Anyone have advice or other suggestions?!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 285
Welcome to SR. Sorry about the circumstances. My son has been an addict for 4 years. He just got out of rehab 2 months ago and has been clean ever since. He tried rehab once before, but it didn't work, because he didn't want it to work. It is day to day with my as, but he wants it to work this time. He was on suboxone when he was in rehab and they closely monitor the patients. Eventually before he was released he was weaned off of it. Before rehab, he tried the suboxone on his own, (we didn't know anything about it), but he ran out of money (very expensive) and he stopped going to the doctor that prescribed it.
Good luck with your brother. Your parents are doing the right thing, even though I know it is torture. Before rehab, we had thrown him out of the house in March because of his stealing and lying. We had other siblings to consider and didn't want to put them through the drama anymore.
Good luck with your brother. Your parents are doing the right thing, even though I know it is torture. Before rehab, we had thrown him out of the house in March because of his stealing and lying. We had other siblings to consider and didn't want to put them through the drama anymore.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by emmers07
My family has attempted to do an in-home recovery program, simply because he REFUSES to go to inpatient. He has been meeting with an addiction counselor, but he refuses to let my parents be involved with his treatment. Since March, my parents have driven him to and from work to prevent him from stopping by his dealers house on the way home, have changed his cell phone number, have closed his bank account and been in charge of his paychecks, and have rearranged their lives to help him kick his addiction with MONUMENTAL family support. This has not worked...
I think if and when he decides to show up if he were to meet with a locked door and told that he is not welcome if he asks why he can't come in this would be the shortest route to raising his bottom.
Him saying he only has used a few times could actually mean everyday all day long...
While he is young is a very good time to pull out the big guns and just say no to him other wise it could become a deeply entrenched mess....
The very sad truth is if he thinks ya'll will put up with any form of his nonsense then he will surely keep doing it.
If he goes missing do not look for him this only shows him that you will go to any lengths to put up with his [email protected] don't want him thinking that under any circumstances....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
(((Emmers))) Sadly I know your pain all too well. My daughter is the adict in my life.
She is 26 and has been addicted for 6 yrs. My son's and I have tried to save her from herself many times. She has been in and out of rehabs 3 times only to go back to her demons. It wasn't until we decided to let go and let God take control of her life did she get clean on her own. Recently she has detoxed on her own and has been clean for 2 months now.She contacted her brothers to mend relationships with them. They completely stayed out of her life when they knew they couldn't help her anymore. There were many nights that I didn't know where she was. If she were dead or alive. By the grace of God I got through it. I have learned to take one day at a time. For today she is clean, but I always fear tomorrow. I have learned to live my life the way I chose and I know I can be happy in spite of it all. Her life is not mine to live, I don't own her or her problems. I am grateful for this forum and my SR friends who have helped me more than they even know. Just knowing I am not alone and that I spill my heart out to these people and not be judged. I know I always have someone to turn to. Maybe you should get your mom on here. There are a lot of us mom's that are here to console and understand each other. No one knows a mother's heart like another mom.
I will keep your family and your brother in prayer.
My blessings.............Lois
She is 26 and has been addicted for 6 yrs. My son's and I have tried to save her from herself many times. She has been in and out of rehabs 3 times only to go back to her demons. It wasn't until we decided to let go and let God take control of her life did she get clean on her own. Recently she has detoxed on her own and has been clean for 2 months now.She contacted her brothers to mend relationships with them. They completely stayed out of her life when they knew they couldn't help her anymore. There were many nights that I didn't know where she was. If she were dead or alive. By the grace of God I got through it. I have learned to take one day at a time. For today she is clean, but I always fear tomorrow. I have learned to live my life the way I chose and I know I can be happy in spite of it all. Her life is not mine to live, I don't own her or her problems. I am grateful for this forum and my SR friends who have helped me more than they even know. Just knowing I am not alone and that I spill my heart out to these people and not be judged. I know I always have someone to turn to. Maybe you should get your mom on here. There are a lot of us mom's that are here to console and understand each other. No one knows a mother's heart like another mom.
I will keep your family and your brother in prayer.
My blessings.............Lois
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 12
Thanks, Lois! I am at my parents house right now, and the SR screen hasnt left our computer! My mom is here with me, reading posts & scouring the internet for some sort of answer, simply because it makes us feel useful. So if anyone wants to give a shout out to her...MamaD is here! She is also eternally grateful for the words of wisdom from other mothers and people who share our pain in this ordeal...
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
your brother sounds a whole lot like my son (22yr)
its been a battle for a few years with him because he wanted to do the recovery thing his way, well just recently I said to him "you once told me that this drug buisness is like insanity, well insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome." I think this may have gotten through his stuburn brain, because he has changed quite a few things and seems happier. anyway my point to telling you this is he's probably gonna have to try it his way before he realizes what will actually work, and it is part of the process believe it or not.
on the suboxone.... my son has been on suboxone for approx. 7 months, he is down to 1 pill a day, and I think he wants to ween himself off but I have suggested he wait awhile longer. ( maybe for my sake I don't know) My son has said its made all the difference in the world for his recovery, but you'll hear negative things as well about it (my son has not had any negative reactions at all)
good luck to you all
its been a battle for a few years with him because he wanted to do the recovery thing his way, well just recently I said to him "you once told me that this drug buisness is like insanity, well insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome." I think this may have gotten through his stuburn brain, because he has changed quite a few things and seems happier. anyway my point to telling you this is he's probably gonna have to try it his way before he realizes what will actually work, and it is part of the process believe it or not.
on the suboxone.... my son has been on suboxone for approx. 7 months, he is down to 1 pill a day, and I think he wants to ween himself off but I have suggested he wait awhile longer. ( maybe for my sake I don't know) My son has said its made all the difference in the world for his recovery, but you'll hear negative things as well about it (my son has not had any negative reactions at all)
good luck to you all
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
mama d, welcome to S.R. i think it is wonderful that you,your daughter & family are pulling together in this.i feel your pain as my son is also an addict.i posted earlier. the 3 c's helped me alot.i did not CAUSE it,i can not CONTROL it, & i can not CURE it.it is so sad we watch our sweet babies fall apart on drugs. let him fall.i wish i had known recovery in my sons earlier days. i paid enough money out on lawyers,bails, rehabs & ect i could have bought a small castle.it did not do any good because he did not want the help & still don't.your son will do ANYTHING including inpatience care if he really wants help.it does not sound like he does. he is out using or he would not be m.i.a. i know all about that.it can be painful wondering how they r. they will threaten suicide in order to get there way.i can go on & on. just don't do ANYTHING for him. it is going to get worse before it gets better.save yourselves.get to a f.t.f. meeting & keep coming back.prayers for u all,hope
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Africa
Posts: 138
As an addict in recovery, I had to fall pretty hard before I wanted to change my life.
My advice is Set the boundaries. Use again and he is out of the house. On the street wherever. Break in - call the cops.
YOU need to survive this too you know.
Trust in a higher power, that he is where he is because that is where he needs to be. That requires a bit of faith, but it is true.
Step out of his way, and let him fall.
Look after yourselves, and do what is best for you.
Love and strength to you and MamaD
My advice is Set the boundaries. Use again and he is out of the house. On the street wherever. Break in - call the cops.
YOU need to survive this too you know.
Trust in a higher power, that he is where he is because that is where he needs to be. That requires a bit of faith, but it is true.
Step out of his way, and let him fall.
Look after yourselves, and do what is best for you.
Love and strength to you and MamaD
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 12
Well, after almost 2 days without any contact from him, he called our house. He was very defensive. His attitude is that he is invincible from the police, after we told him that we were going to report his dealer for continually calling our house and harassing US for the money HE owes!
I was so proud of my mom though, she really held her own...she didnt cry, didnt yell, she just said "you make the choice,_____(brother)". As part of OUR boundary setting, we all agreed that if he chose to continue with this lifestyle, that he would no longer be able to contact his family members. My mom also told him that he was breaking her heart, and his response to BOTH statements was "that wasnt my intention..." and nothing else.
He is "apparently" coming home this morning to gather his things and move to another town in WI. He was planning on going to college in the fall, and so he already has his apartment in that town. He says he is going to live there, but what he doesnt know, is that he will have NO financial support from my parents for rent, food, bills, cell phone, clothes or his habit. He will also not have a car since he doesnt own one of his own, it is my parents.
We are preparing for all of this to set him off today, as he was extremely nonchalant and defensive on the phone. Here's hoping that this goes well, when sometimes hope is all we have. I think that my brother is thinking this is HIS Independence Day, when really I pray it is OURS from his addiction...
Happy 4th of July everyone, and again, thanks for all the support...
~Emmers & MamaD
I was so proud of my mom though, she really held her own...she didnt cry, didnt yell, she just said "you make the choice,_____(brother)". As part of OUR boundary setting, we all agreed that if he chose to continue with this lifestyle, that he would no longer be able to contact his family members. My mom also told him that he was breaking her heart, and his response to BOTH statements was "that wasnt my intention..." and nothing else.
He is "apparently" coming home this morning to gather his things and move to another town in WI. He was planning on going to college in the fall, and so he already has his apartment in that town. He says he is going to live there, but what he doesnt know, is that he will have NO financial support from my parents for rent, food, bills, cell phone, clothes or his habit. He will also not have a car since he doesnt own one of his own, it is my parents.
We are preparing for all of this to set him off today, as he was extremely nonchalant and defensive on the phone. Here's hoping that this goes well, when sometimes hope is all we have. I think that my brother is thinking this is HIS Independence Day, when really I pray it is OURS from his addiction...
Happy 4th of July everyone, and again, thanks for all the support...
~Emmers & MamaD
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I think it is wonderful that you have boundaries in place.
I want to caution you about reporting dealers or threatening them though...You might be better off just changing your phone #. Also it could just be a play to get more dope. Have nothing to do with this do not pay them or believe anything they say cause they truly could be just trying to use you to get more money for more dope....
I want to caution you about reporting dealers or threatening them though...You might be better off just changing your phone #. Also it could just be a play to get more dope. Have nothing to do with this do not pay them or believe anything they say cause they truly could be just trying to use you to get more money for more dope....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think you and your family are learning that setting boundaries is going to be the only way YOU ALL will survive HIS addiction. Being made to feel like you are hostages in your own home is awfull especialy at the hands of an active addict. Most likely the best thing that could happen to him at this point is to be arrested if he attempts to come back and break into your home. If he's never faced being in jail that may be what it takes to open his eyes on where is life is at. Don't bail him out either, not at least until he wants IN-PATIENT help. If that happens make sure he goes from point a (jail) to point b (rehab) with no interuptions or stops along the way. In the mean time you all might want to seek help for yourselves through al-anon or nar-anon. The stronger you all become with knowledge of addiction the better prepared you will be to to deal with him. Love can't stop someone from using, guilt can't stop someone from using often in the begining we all think the same way, if he loved us he's stop doing this to us. The reality is he doesn't even realize what he is doing to himself let alone thinking of what he is doing to others right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
*hugs*
I think there is nothing at all wrong with the rules of the house. You should be glad that your mom has the sense enough to be so strict with everything. If your brother truly wants help, he will eventually be willing to do what it takes. Just don't give in!
As far as suboxone goes, it was not helpful at all for our family. Suboxone can be sold on the streets or even traded for other drugs, and most doctors who prescribe it won't drug test the patient for accountability, hence making it just one more enabling tool. In fact, the pharmacy where my sister would fill hers when she tried it said they keep very little on hand because it is such a high theft risk. They won't even tell anyone over the phone whether or not they have any, and when you fill a rx for it, they only give you a few days worth and order the rest to keep the theft risks down. It is that likely to be misused.
I mean, you could always give it a try, but I've never seen anyone be successful with it.
My heart and prayers continue to be with you guys... just try to keep you chin up!
I think there is nothing at all wrong with the rules of the house. You should be glad that your mom has the sense enough to be so strict with everything. If your brother truly wants help, he will eventually be willing to do what it takes. Just don't give in!
As far as suboxone goes, it was not helpful at all for our family. Suboxone can be sold on the streets or even traded for other drugs, and most doctors who prescribe it won't drug test the patient for accountability, hence making it just one more enabling tool. In fact, the pharmacy where my sister would fill hers when she tried it said they keep very little on hand because it is such a high theft risk. They won't even tell anyone over the phone whether or not they have any, and when you fill a rx for it, they only give you a few days worth and order the rest to keep the theft risks down. It is that likely to be misused.
I mean, you could always give it a try, but I've never seen anyone be successful with it.
My heart and prayers continue to be with you guys... just try to keep you chin up!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome Emmers and MamaD, My 21 year old daughter is my addict. She started on Oxycontin and is now using heroin because it is cheaper. Oxy is one mean drug. Expect that your brother will have an attitude. Expect that he will probably say some really mean and nasty things. He wants his way. He wants drugs and he wants his family to continue to enable him to get them and still have that nice middle class lifestyle. We tried that with our daughter for too long. I detached when she took up with the 37 year old crack addict that lived downstairs from her. That was when I had to give up my denial that she is an addict. It is a long, hard road but there is hope for both the addict and the family. Your parents are doing the best thing for your brother by letting him go. That is the only way that he will learn. He is 19 and not a baby anymore. Time to take responsibility for his actions. Hugs and prayers coming your way. Marle
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