dealing with everyday life
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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dealing with everyday life
I was thinking about some issues I still carry in every day life and things revolving around them. As the rosecolored glasses are off its obvious that there are many As all around me at every second, whether active or not.
Ive learned in alanon and other readings and coda meeting that when another person is overly critical, abrupt ect many times its a reflection of their inner feelings about themselves and nothing to do with you, just they are allowing one of your/our traits aggitate them, course they'd be aggitated anyway.
For me I see that in me, as well as still have a difficult time dealing with people this way, some days it seems like the whole world is cruel and harsh and I react with a vengeance, just as mean and snotty or worse.
This is something Im trying to change immensly about myself, for weeks Ill do good, keep the same calm tone and let nothing get to me other days, I internalize it all and explode like a crazy person. Suddenly I am once again having trouble with this. Im sure before there were phrases I learned to keep me calm, I go to my HP, constantly for strength and wisdom, and I know for me in many things Im doing the best I can.
Changing learned behaviors that we've had for 30 years is not an easy thing, it takes daily effort.
Im sure these thoughts, reactions ect many of us deal with and I think an important part of recovery. Let's please share how we have changed our reaction patterns, learned to say nothing at times cause it doesnt real matter, ect.
Ive learned in alanon and other readings and coda meeting that when another person is overly critical, abrupt ect many times its a reflection of their inner feelings about themselves and nothing to do with you, just they are allowing one of your/our traits aggitate them, course they'd be aggitated anyway.
For me I see that in me, as well as still have a difficult time dealing with people this way, some days it seems like the whole world is cruel and harsh and I react with a vengeance, just as mean and snotty or worse.
This is something Im trying to change immensly about myself, for weeks Ill do good, keep the same calm tone and let nothing get to me other days, I internalize it all and explode like a crazy person. Suddenly I am once again having trouble with this. Im sure before there were phrases I learned to keep me calm, I go to my HP, constantly for strength and wisdom, and I know for me in many things Im doing the best I can.
Changing learned behaviors that we've had for 30 years is not an easy thing, it takes daily effort.
Im sure these thoughts, reactions ect many of us deal with and I think an important part of recovery. Let's please share how we have changed our reaction patterns, learned to say nothing at times cause it doesnt real matter, ect.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Oh, gee I need to hear about this!!!! I will be sober 10 yrs in August and lately it has become very apparent that I have a LONG way to go. I know it's not really a destination, but. . .I was so sure I had done so good and have improved immensely and then I realize I am still so sick. I've done lots of work on me during this past 10 yrs, and prior to that a total of about 6 yrs or so sober intermittently. I find these days and especially in a new relationship after being totally alone for over 3 1/2 yrs, that I am very co-dependent and still insane when it comes to being that close and that much around someone else! And I have often said. . .some days I just don't wanna be nice 
So, can't wait to see what others say. To top it all off I have to be in my middle 40's and the whole aging woman thing just plain sucks!!!! I can wish all I want to have a wonderful day and then the hormones have other plans. Can cry for not one dang reason at all?????
So, can't wait to see what others say. To top it all off I have to be in my middle 40's and the whole aging woman thing just plain sucks!!!! I can wish all I want to have a wonderful day and then the hormones have other plans. Can cry for not one dang reason at all?????
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
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I used to react immediately. Sometimes I still do if I have a real zinger... and it makes my point.
Mostly now I just don't care. I really don't. I mostly keep people at a bit of a distance. Oh I enjoy them and spend time with people, but I don't get any closer than that and I do NOT get emotionally involved in friends etc.
People say stuff and I think to myself, "Good. I am glad I am not you." sometimes I add the adjective, "Jerk!"
With the exception of a very few friends, I really walk away from people. If they annoy me or, it seems, I annoy them, so what? There are over 6 billion people on this earth. I don't need to get the approval from, or interact with, the ones who I don't like. Conversely, they do not have to interact with me.
Most of the people I come across in this life I can walk away from, never see again and be no better or worse off than I am today.
I don't know if that is recovery or not. Honestly, it works for me and I am fine with it, so if it is not everyone's recoverey, oh well.
When it comes to an individual relationship with a guy I am at this point where I hope I never again feel that "thrill" or what I refer to as "that lovin' feelin' " It is that which has let me lose myself in another and I never again will.
IOW I never again want to, or will allow myself to, "fall in love." There are no white knights, castles or happily ever afters to be found in relationships with others.
Mostly now I just don't care. I really don't. I mostly keep people at a bit of a distance. Oh I enjoy them and spend time with people, but I don't get any closer than that and I do NOT get emotionally involved in friends etc.
People say stuff and I think to myself, "Good. I am glad I am not you." sometimes I add the adjective, "Jerk!"
With the exception of a very few friends, I really walk away from people. If they annoy me or, it seems, I annoy them, so what? There are over 6 billion people on this earth. I don't need to get the approval from, or interact with, the ones who I don't like. Conversely, they do not have to interact with me.
Most of the people I come across in this life I can walk away from, never see again and be no better or worse off than I am today.
I don't know if that is recovery or not. Honestly, it works for me and I am fine with it, so if it is not everyone's recoverey, oh well.
When it comes to an individual relationship with a guy I am at this point where I hope I never again feel that "thrill" or what I refer to as "that lovin' feelin' " It is that which has let me lose myself in another and I never again will.
IOW I never again want to, or will allow myself to, "fall in love." There are no white knights, castles or happily ever afters to be found in relationships with others.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
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Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by cookconfay 
I find these days and especially in a new relationship after being totally alone for over 3 1/2 yrs, that I am very co-dependent and still insane when it comes to being that close and that much around someone else!
Now, I'm the total opposite. After being single for so long I find that I'm not co-dependent at all. I did a 360 if you know what I mean. Also after living alone for so long, it's taking some time for me to adjust to "relationship rules". I'm used to doing whatever I want whenever I want without 20 questions..........not that it happens, but you get what I'm trying to say. Being alone didn't bother me after a while and in fact I rather liked it. But then you fall in love and then what? It's at that point you're playing tug of war between your heart and your head.
I ask myself; "Do you really love him?" the answer is yes
"do you enjoy his company?" very much so
"do you miss him when your away?" YES
"Could you see a future with this man?" YES I do.
"can you adjust to "dynamics" of a relationship?" I don't know. Maybe I was alone for too long. I got to be too independent maybe?
Am I even on subject? LOL I got carried away..............sorry.
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I just want to stop myself from defensive smart a** comments. I dont care what the people think about what I say, I just dont want to be an angry smart mouthed person, life's too short
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
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I tended to be just the opposite...in that I was allowing others to walk all over me. I had to learn to address things right up front and do it in kindness and not allow them to ruin my serenity. I had to learn that their meanness was about them but that it was my responsibility to put up a "STOP" sign and stand my ground.
I have never been a pushover and in fact am typically viewed by others as quite strong and assertive, yet there were a few areas of my life though where this was not consistent. I haven't figured out why there was a difference but am sure it has everything to do with being a codependent. I feel so much better when I can say what is on my mind, rather than go home and stew about it. I guess in that some areas of my life I operated differently. Usually it was family and a few times work related.
I agree with Cinderella that sometimes how people and things appear to be is definitely more about my own perception, but I also know that there are some people who are just selfish and mean and are not going to change. I have accepted that and try to live as peaceably as I can.
Over many years of self discovery- I still have trouble with it once in awhile. I started to 'recover' in my late twenties...do the math, I have 3 grown up kids!
The changes took time and practice.
I have never been a pushover and in fact am typically viewed by others as quite strong and assertive, yet there were a few areas of my life though where this was not consistent. I haven't figured out why there was a difference but am sure it has everything to do with being a codependent. I feel so much better when I can say what is on my mind, rather than go home and stew about it. I guess in that some areas of my life I operated differently. Usually it was family and a few times work related.
I agree with Cinderella that sometimes how people and things appear to be is definitely more about my own perception, but I also know that there are some people who are just selfish and mean and are not going to change. I have accepted that and try to live as peaceably as I can.
Over many years of self discovery- I still have trouble with it once in awhile. I started to 'recover' in my late twenties...do the math, I have 3 grown up kids!
The changes took time and practice.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Well yes, yes and yes. I too enjoyed being alone, however I wasn't totally, I have a 3 yr old! Yes at the ripe old age of 46!!! Ha, her sister is 22, ain't that a kick in the a**?? So. . .I did fully concede to my innermost self that I was ok without a man and then. . .POW another blast from my past. An old boyfriend from like off & on the past 28 yrs called me????? I sure wasn't lookin and I sure always held a place in my heart for him. I just still get wrapped all off into it!! Figured I could handle it way better than I am. Scared to death, full of insecurities, ARGHHHHHH makes me sick how I can be, but then. . .is it live or is it memorex? Meaning is it really me being so sick-o or does it have alot to do with this crap called HORMONES? Sometimes I feel I need to be committed.
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It took me a long time to say what i mean and mean what I say, guess the kicker is not saying it mean, I still do that constantly not even thinking about it, and as I watch my children treat each other and speak as spitting images as me, I realize thats not who I want to be
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
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Cinder....
I still find that my emotions are all over the place. Even being alone for 8 months now I still find that internally I'm a basket case sometimes. I could be calm cool and collected one day but the next day I am just not "in it to win it". When I'm like that I don't feel like misery loves company but I certainly don't want anyone telling me that it gets better because most days I live one day at a time.
I think it's okay sometimes to step out of yourself, Cinder and not think, maybe for a day. Do something meaningless but enjoy doing it. Don't try to analyze everything, including yourself because sometimes we need a mental break.
I still find that my emotions are all over the place. Even being alone for 8 months now I still find that internally I'm a basket case sometimes. I could be calm cool and collected one day but the next day I am just not "in it to win it". When I'm like that I don't feel like misery loves company but I certainly don't want anyone telling me that it gets better because most days I live one day at a time.
I think it's okay sometimes to step out of yourself, Cinder and not think, maybe for a day. Do something meaningless but enjoy doing it. Don't try to analyze everything, including yourself because sometimes we need a mental break.
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I most identify with Loves here. I was so used to being alone and doing everything my way, how, when and if I felt like it...etc. Adjusting to my marriage is an ongoing thing.
Cinder there is someone here who says "Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it meanly."
I don't know what is going on with me but in speaking to people I seem to be becoming more and more kind all the time. I think it is my hubby's example.
Cinder there is someone here who says "Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it meanly."
I don't know what is going on with me but in speaking to people I seem to be becoming more and more kind all the time. I think it is my hubby's example.
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For me the isue isnt about being alone, its ever being around anyone, I dont like it and Im happiest when even my kids dont talk, there's enough dang voices in my head.
(and they arent always nice, I think they are meaner than others.)
(and they arent always nice, I think they are meaner than others.)
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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mainly i have learned to keep my mouth shut when i realize that they are not listening or do not want to hear it.i read some thing lately that said "lord,put one hand on my shoulder & the other one over my mouth". i like that.i have it written on my little black board in the kitchen.i am learning to let go & let God.i am learning when things are not my business.i am learning that i do not have any control over my a.s. or anyone else for that matter.i am learning to like myself again. i am learning & that is the most important thing.i am changing & hopefully for the better.
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I am an "all or nothing" person, imagine that. I either say too much and not what others want to hear or I am not saying anything and it is just festering and boiling inside until I spew everywhere on everyone!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
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I have been working on this too. It makes me realize just how hard it is to change, even when I want to so bad. Sometimes I have a bad attitude I guess, especially at work. People just say things that irritate me and it is hard for me not to be a smart mouth. Even if I don't say anything, I am sure my looks say it all. I have changed some because I just have no interest in hearing people say negative stuff about other people. I have a good friend that does it and it didn't used to bother me but now it does. I don't react well and sometimes feel like I am rude. I hate being like that but it is hard to change. It IS an everyday struggle. I remember last month we were at my nefews graduation party and my sister-in-law was into a argument with her mother. Her mom came to her grandsons party and stayed 5 minutes. They were mad about some mac. salad. I just said calmly my neighbor across the street is dying and today they called hospice in.....she has two teenage daughters. I wanted to tell them to shut up. I just have lost interest in dumb stuff. I can't stand conflict and chaos. I don't want to be rude though. Most of the time I just want to be alone and that kind of worries me but I feel happy about it..??? I guess I don't have to worry about being rude if I am by myself.
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cinder, et al;
i totally , totally understand this - i, too, am reactive - and can be a real smart a$$, especially to my husband - but i get sarcastic and impatient with the idiots - well people who show their idiocy a little toooo much sometimes - i'm trying to just listen more - it's hard for me to not share my opinion (as we all know our own opinions are usually right, right?
) but i'm trying...
i, too, just really started to say what i mean and mean what i say - and if i don't mean it i don't want to make idle threats - especially with my kids - if i'm not going to ground h til she's 18 i won't say i will, you know what i mean - with grownups i've always *mostly* been this way but not with my kids - i am doing well with this though...
you know when i get most sarcastic? - when someone is snotty with me - i'll be in a good mood all day and then one little comment sets me off - i need to really not let it affect me like that - really...
thanks for this post - i'll be interested to see what others post - i saw a great line today - it seems appropriate to post here - *the future depends what we do in the present* - i like that - don't you?...
have a great day all...
love,
s
i totally , totally understand this - i, too, am reactive - and can be a real smart a$$, especially to my husband - but i get sarcastic and impatient with the idiots - well people who show their idiocy a little toooo much sometimes - i'm trying to just listen more - it's hard for me to not share my opinion (as we all know our own opinions are usually right, right?
) but i'm trying...i, too, just really started to say what i mean and mean what i say - and if i don't mean it i don't want to make idle threats - especially with my kids - if i'm not going to ground h til she's 18 i won't say i will, you know what i mean - with grownups i've always *mostly* been this way but not with my kids - i am doing well with this though...
you know when i get most sarcastic? - when someone is snotty with me - i'll be in a good mood all day and then one little comment sets me off - i need to really not let it affect me like that - really...
thanks for this post - i'll be interested to see what others post - i saw a great line today - it seems appropriate to post here - *the future depends what we do in the present* - i like that - don't you?...
have a great day all...
love,
s
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