Two years ago....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 23
Two years ago....
Two years ago I was in pieces after AH emptied the checking account and went on a crack binge, 1 year ago at the same date I was giving birth to my son Nicolas, AH had been clean for 9 months. This year, my little boy will be one an AH is still clean.
Somewhat, I'm happy. However everyday I have to remind myself that an addict is always an addict in the sense that they rarely do something in moderation. In the sense that they always want to do what they want to, meaning by the same fact that I'm left with most of the chores around the house.Sometime I feel like if I wass by myself.
I though that when he would stop using there would be no more problems. It's a lot better but we still have though time. Not that long ago, I tough about separating, but I'm afraid that if I do my kids will loose their father. I'm not sure he would stay clean. I'm not sure I can forgive him for what he did to me and my daughter. I tried but there is still some thing I can't let go.
It's been a long time since I wrote on SR but I still read all of you, I guess I just needed some words of wisdom from you guys.
Somewhat, I'm happy. However everyday I have to remind myself that an addict is always an addict in the sense that they rarely do something in moderation. In the sense that they always want to do what they want to, meaning by the same fact that I'm left with most of the chores around the house.Sometime I feel like if I wass by myself.
I though that when he would stop using there would be no more problems. It's a lot better but we still have though time. Not that long ago, I tough about separating, but I'm afraid that if I do my kids will loose their father. I'm not sure he would stay clean. I'm not sure I can forgive him for what he did to me and my daughter. I tried but there is still some thing I can't let go.
It's been a long time since I wrote on SR but I still read all of you, I guess I just needed some words of wisdom from you guys.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
hi, don't think we met, but the addict in my life is my husband of 11yrs and his doc is also crack. he has been clean for about 4 months now. i can't say that i have any great advice for you, just that i know exactly where you're coming from. we too still have a alot of issues not drug related to work through and i know that i have not and maybe never will forgive him for all that he did to me and the kids. i am hoping that time will really heal the wounds, any maybe someway we can resolve our issues, just not sure how to yet. just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((LL)))))
My H is not clean and we still have many issues. I kicked him out of the house and he is living in the driveway the more I repeat this to myself the more ridiculous it sounds. HA!
I totally understand how you feel and I think I would feel the same way you do even if he got clean. It sounds like although he is clean some of the behaviors still remain.
The only person we can hope to change is ourselves and maybe when we change ourselves enough we will find the strength to do what we need to do to make our lives be what we want it to be....
My H is not clean and we still have many issues. I kicked him out of the house and he is living in the driveway the more I repeat this to myself the more ridiculous it sounds. HA!
I totally understand how you feel and I think I would feel the same way you do even if he got clean. It sounds like although he is clean some of the behaviors still remain.
The only person we can hope to change is ourselves and maybe when we change ourselves enough we will find the strength to do what we need to do to make our lives be what we want it to be....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
I have no experience with a husband with an addiction, but one thing that has been echoing through all of the posts that everyone has been using to help me is that I need to remember to let my higher power take care of things. Maybe your hp will make things more clear soon? I don't know your situation, so if this doesn't help, you're not hurting my feelings to disregard me
I know that we are supposed to have compassion, but to me, there is a difference between forgiveness and forgetting the past (not learning from it). If you're feeling this uneasy, my gut says there's a reason for it. But again, take me with a grain of salt, as I am speaking completely out of the situation as I imagine it, and not out of experience.
*hugs*
I know that we are supposed to have compassion, but to me, there is a difference between forgiveness and forgetting the past (not learning from it). If you're feeling this uneasy, my gut says there's a reason for it. But again, take me with a grain of salt, as I am speaking completely out of the situation as I imagine it, and not out of experience.
*hugs*
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
No advice Lioness...just hugs. I can certainly understand your feelings. I'm sorry there are still rough patches even when he is clean. Happy birthday to your little guy! Hugs and prayers
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hello Lioness....I've missed you and glad that you have checked in. You and I are on about the same time table. It slowly sinks in that even when someone has become sober that that does not necessarily mean that all is going to be well. I have just this moment left a conversation w/RAH where I basically told him that no matter what we have now - it's not worth what I have gone through to get here. Don't get me wrong - I love our family and I'm happy that he is coming up on 2 years of sobriety. But.....recovery has not been very smooth in terms of the "isms" as they call them. It's a daily journey. The addiction is simply in remission at best. It is truly a life sentence. One that can be made the best of but in no way has it been or is likely to be - "normal".
I understand about having trouble letting go of some of the behaviors (of your husband)that have occurred in the past. I think that I am finally getting well enough to finally experience some of my own - deep down and dirty - anger and anguish. Maybe I was always keeping the lid on it in fear of rocking the sobriety boat? I don't know. It is what it is. There are some days and weeks better than others. I just think that addiction makes lasting changes in a person's brain. And mine as well. I struggle with depression as a result of it, I think.
Lioness - I know that you know what I am talking about. To anyone else - I don't mean to be a downer. I think that one of my biggest delusions 2 years ago was that if he got sober then everything would be better. It is but it isn't.....I grieve for the me that I was before all of this happened and the me that went through all that I went through. I just didn't know how to do anything different than what I did.
Glad that you posted Lioness....I understand - I really do. It's sometimes hard to post when there is so much pain all around. I feel like an ungrateful soul even thinking that I have problems when I read about some of the things that are going on. In some ways, because of that, I feel more isolated than I did even when the addiction was active.
Glad that you shared....hugs, Donna
I understand about having trouble letting go of some of the behaviors (of your husband)that have occurred in the past. I think that I am finally getting well enough to finally experience some of my own - deep down and dirty - anger and anguish. Maybe I was always keeping the lid on it in fear of rocking the sobriety boat? I don't know. It is what it is. There are some days and weeks better than others. I just think that addiction makes lasting changes in a person's brain. And mine as well. I struggle with depression as a result of it, I think.
Lioness - I know that you know what I am talking about. To anyone else - I don't mean to be a downer. I think that one of my biggest delusions 2 years ago was that if he got sober then everything would be better. It is but it isn't.....I grieve for the me that I was before all of this happened and the me that went through all that I went through. I just didn't know how to do anything different than what I did.
Glad that you posted Lioness....I understand - I really do. It's sometimes hard to post when there is so much pain all around. I feel like an ungrateful soul even thinking that I have problems when I read about some of the things that are going on. In some ways, because of that, I feel more isolated than I did even when the addiction was active.
Glad that you shared....hugs, Donna
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome back, we are always here. sorry for the pain you are going thru. i do not have any words of wisdom for you.you are right,an addict is always an addict.they can quit using but unless they have a program in their life they usually do not change their ways.it is your choice if you stay or not.happy birthday to your lil guy and prayers for your family.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's really good to see you, Little Lioness, and I'm glad your husband is still clean and can't believe your baby is already one.
Have you talked with your husband about sharing the chores? It really isn't fair for one person to do all the work. When I wasn't working (I took almost a year off) I was willing to do more because my husband worked 10 hours a day, but now that I'm working again too, it's all about sharing or paying someone else to do it. I refuse to work full time and try to be a full time housekeeper too...it just ain't a pretty sight.
Only you can decide what is best for you but if you have reached the point of thinking of ending the relationship then maybe some joint counseling would help too.
Hugs to all of you, especially the little one.
Have you talked with your husband about sharing the chores? It really isn't fair for one person to do all the work. When I wasn't working (I took almost a year off) I was willing to do more because my husband worked 10 hours a day, but now that I'm working again too, it's all about sharing or paying someone else to do it. I refuse to work full time and try to be a full time housekeeper too...it just ain't a pretty sight.
Only you can decide what is best for you but if you have reached the point of thinking of ending the relationship then maybe some joint counseling would help too.
Hugs to all of you, especially the little one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 23
"I have just this moment left a conversation w/RAH where I basically told him that no matter what we have now - it's not worth what I have gone through to get here."
Lightseeker, you could not have said it better.... It's been 6 month now that I'm going to the gym, I lost 70 pounds and starting to take care of myself. I start to see the "old" me, the girl that was always smiling, that kew she was worth it. I have to thank a dear collegue of mine that kicked my ass and made me realize it. Somewhat, My AH does not like to see that, he is really jealous.
It's been 3 weeks, I'm back to work and I guess that the chores plus work start to kick in, I'm really tired. Of course we had the discussion about that many time but you can just hear the quacking....
"I feel like an ungrateful soul even thinking that I have problems when I read about some of the things that are going on. In some ways, because of that, I feel more isolated than I did even when the addiction was active." I hesitated a long time to post because I know that a lot of you go through so much pain at the moment, I was there couple years ago. Even my famlily don't understand, my parents would just be happy if I was to separate. Thanks you all for your great words. I expect that some days HP will help me to see clearly through it. I just want to be sure to do what's the best for my kids.
Lightseeker, you could not have said it better.... It's been 6 month now that I'm going to the gym, I lost 70 pounds and starting to take care of myself. I start to see the "old" me, the girl that was always smiling, that kew she was worth it. I have to thank a dear collegue of mine that kicked my ass and made me realize it. Somewhat, My AH does not like to see that, he is really jealous.
It's been 3 weeks, I'm back to work and I guess that the chores plus work start to kick in, I'm really tired. Of course we had the discussion about that many time but you can just hear the quacking....
"I feel like an ungrateful soul even thinking that I have problems when I read about some of the things that are going on. In some ways, because of that, I feel more isolated than I did even when the addiction was active." I hesitated a long time to post because I know that a lot of you go through so much pain at the moment, I was there couple years ago. Even my famlily don't understand, my parents would just be happy if I was to separate. Thanks you all for your great words. I expect that some days HP will help me to see clearly through it. I just want to be sure to do what's the best for my kids.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Please don't ever hesitate to post and share what is going on with you.
My recovery can vary from day to day, some days I feel very strong, other days I need support and encouragement, and some days I just need hope and get it by reading posts from those who are in a better place.
Recovery is sharing what we have and asking for help when we need it, just codies walking together sharing their light.
I'm happy you posted and hope you continue. Also, reading your last post reminds me that as our lives undergo transitions (like going back to work) our emotions can become more fragile too and it's good to notice and take care of ourselves like you have done.
Hugs
My recovery can vary from day to day, some days I feel very strong, other days I need support and encouragement, and some days I just need hope and get it by reading posts from those who are in a better place.
Recovery is sharing what we have and asking for help when we need it, just codies walking together sharing their light.
I'm happy you posted and hope you continue. Also, reading your last post reminds me that as our lives undergo transitions (like going back to work) our emotions can become more fragile too and it's good to notice and take care of ourselves like you have done.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: canada
Posts: 72
HI LL!!!! It's been too long! I'm so glad you checked in. I just checked in here last week, what a coincidence.
When my RAH sobered up, one of our first priorities was marriage counseling. We went to a weekend retreat a month after he got out of his 6mth program. Then about 6mths later we went to another weekend marriage retreat.
One of the biggest problems for us, was that for so long I had been able to blame him for all the problems in our home (with good reason). Then he got sober and all I was left with was me. And I didn't like what I saw. I've had to make huge changes in my behaviors - and so has he. It's a constant struggle, a LOT of work. But we're both committed to making this marriage work. We came this far and feel we need to give it our best shot.
Of course, my scenario is probably very different than yours. Both people in the marriage have to be committed to making it work and if you aren't on the same page, it's not going to happen.
I still live in the same city as you and I work dwntwn - if you would like to meet for coffee some day PM me
When my RAH sobered up, one of our first priorities was marriage counseling. We went to a weekend retreat a month after he got out of his 6mth program. Then about 6mths later we went to another weekend marriage retreat.
One of the biggest problems for us, was that for so long I had been able to blame him for all the problems in our home (with good reason). Then he got sober and all I was left with was me. And I didn't like what I saw. I've had to make huge changes in my behaviors - and so has he. It's a constant struggle, a LOT of work. But we're both committed to making this marriage work. We came this far and feel we need to give it our best shot.
Of course, my scenario is probably very different than yours. Both people in the marriage have to be committed to making it work and if you aren't on the same page, it's not going to happen.
I still live in the same city as you and I work dwntwn - if you would like to meet for coffee some day PM me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 23
HockeyMom, I'm so happy to hear from you, I though about you recently. I agree with you, but RAH refuse counselling so far. I told him I might have some thing to work on too and having a neutral part wouldn't certainly hurt, but he said no.
Some days I think, he takes for granted that I will always stay and tolerate. we definitely should get together for a coffe some days since I work downtown too.
Some days I think, he takes for granted that I will always stay and tolerate. we definitely should get together for a coffe some days since I work downtown too.
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