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Old 06-30-2007, 12:43 PM
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As Calld From Oxford House

As Called On Wednesday He Got Thier Tuesday Night. He Didn't Sound Very Good. He Didn't Say Anything But I Could Tell By His Tone. Anyway He Wants His Cell Reactivated, Its Been Off Probably Six Months. Ill Probably Do It Because He Is In East Nashville, Which Is Pretty Rough And He Cant Call Long Distance From The House Phone. However, I Want To Put A Boundary That As Long As I Pay The Bill I Don't Want Any Contact With 15 Year Old Agf. Hes Not Supposed To By Law Anyway. Should I Do This Or Should It Be Hands Off The Addict, Any Suggestions. I GOT A STRANGE FEELING THIS SITUATION ISNT GOING TO GO WELL
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Old 06-30-2007, 12:47 PM
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Laketime,
I am glad that your son made it to the Oxford House. That is a good step. If you turn his phone back on is there anyway you can have it for only certain numbers? I know there are phones for kids that they can only call numbers the parents put in the phone. That might be better this way he can only call you and your husband and maybe a good friend who is clean. This way you are doing something but are limiting it also.
Look to your HP for him to guide you on this. The right answer will come.
Hugs,
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Old 06-30-2007, 01:17 PM
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I'm the mother of an addicted daughter. And my mama's gut tells me if you reactivate that phone, he will be calling the girlfriend.

And he can't call long distance from the house phone? He can't call collect? I know that collect calls can be expensive, but I'd spring for him calling me before I'd turn the cell phone back on.

Now this is all just my personal opinion, but I, in my enabling days, have paid WAY TOO MANY overextended cell phone bills. And I was so slow to catch on that AD could live without a cell phone. DUH! Thanks to my HP and what I've learned on this board and in my face to face meetings, I know better now.

Hugs,
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Old 06-30-2007, 01:53 PM
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i have to agree with hangin'in...very good advice,let him call you collect. who else does he have any business calling anyway?prayers for you & your son.
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Old 06-30-2007, 02:11 PM
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I did the same for my daughter with the understanding that there would be no more calls to the ex. Well that lasted approximately one month. Then she started making excuses, like it was his daughter that borrowed the phone and called her dad, etc. It just caused a lot of friction and she ended up back with the abf and I ended up losing 400 to get the phone back on. So do what you want, but if he calls the gf then you really can't be mad because you gave him the means to do it. Hugs, Marle
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Old 06-30-2007, 02:13 PM
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One warning about collect calls. It cost me for one phone call over $100. This was in March when I last spoke to my daughter. The call was 57 minutes long so that is like $1.75 a minute. (InState) You could give him an AT&T phone card with say 100 minutes on it. Cheap and you can check the minutes used online. Marle
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Old 06-30-2007, 02:40 PM
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Well I have some interesting stories about cell phones and addicts that I won't go into here....

So he is in a rough side of town...he has been living a rough lifestyle...he don't need a cellphone.

A personal boundary I have is to never loan or pay for a cell phone for anyone under any circumstances....
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Old 06-30-2007, 02:46 PM
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When my daughter was first in our "re-hab" at home, we bought her a phone from Target. It was called firefly and was designed for kids. We programed the numbers who she could call and who could call her. The phone had no numerals on it. Only the symbol of a man (dad) and woman (mom).Those were our phone numbers. Then we added her sisters' number and 911. This allowed her to have her phone (it was this way, or no way). She joked with us about her "toy" phone; but it was better than nothing. We later added her sponsors' number. Just my experience. Good luck. HUGS!
Terri
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Old 06-30-2007, 04:40 PM
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hey lake, glad to hear that your son is in oxford house, as far as the phone, i agree with hangin and splendra. maybe he don't just have to have a cell. by your own admission, you sound like you don't think that it might be such a good idea yourself, maybe you could think about what your gut is telling you and follow that, keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Old 06-30-2007, 05:10 PM
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He doesn't need a cell phone, and, you know it. Step back, don't be so elated because he is finally at Oxford, let him work the program, and make some decisions based on his actions.

You certainly don't have to agree with me, and I respect that, but, others here have given you some good adice, at least consider their thoughts and advice.
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Old 06-30-2007, 05:25 PM
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Don't try to control too much. As they say, "stay out of his sandbox" If you want to get him a phone for security and so that you + he can stay connected do so. Keep it clean.You can't control who he will call. If he calls her and is not suppose to than let whatever consequen. that are in place unroll.
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Old 06-30-2007, 05:38 PM
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I too would say if you want to give him a phone...it has to be to give him a phone...not to control who he calls, where he goes, etc. I would think it is almost a certainty that he will not use it only for what you'd like him to use it for and that in all likelihood at some point it will become more of an expense than you had anticipated. Other options are a prepaid calling card (also can't control how it is used) or to let him find his own plan on how to get a cell phone.

I understand your concern with unsafe areas...Unfortunately our addict children do go to unsafe areas all the time to get drugs. The pull of the addiction became apparent to me when I learned where my daughter went to get her drugs.

Prayers for you and your family
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Old 06-30-2007, 06:30 PM
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hi lake,

it is hard enought to get clean.....why give him any more things to hamper his chances for success? Let him focus on what he needs to do..........clean himself up! Why creat any more problems? And as you said he didn't sound that great so how can you expect him to use sound judgement? Why give him the tool to get even more in trouble? I think this....no means no and you do not have to explain yuorself anymore than that......just my opinion....dixie
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Old 07-01-2007, 06:56 AM
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I'm sure you are thinking get him a phone so he can call you...but Oxford Houses aren't jails, he can go to a payphone and call collect in an emergency. Otherwise, he could write letters to communicate. If he wants a cell phone so badly, he can get one himself when he starts working and saves up money for it. Also that will be more meaningful if he's done it himself.

There is no way to control him calling the AGF. Chances are, since they didn't officially "break up" that is exactly what he would do with the cell phone. Also he is just going to Oxford House for recovery right? No rehab or anything before? He's proven nothing as of yet. Just because you check in doesn't mean anything until ACTIONS start speaking louder than words. Making it easier on him isn't the best path. My AH's counselor said that sometimes it's the best when they really have to struggle so they learn they never want to come down this road again.
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Old 07-01-2007, 01:33 PM
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It is expensive to call collect, but that is the root I would take. That's what my as did. But you should have him limit the amount of calls to you. I was quite shocked when I got my phone bill and saw how expensive it was. My as still has no cell phone, cause he has no money to reactivate. Oh well. Good luck.
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Old 07-01-2007, 02:05 PM
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I have heard that you can get an 800 phone # for your home. That way no collect calls, and a much more reasonable price tag. It sounds like your gut is telling you no.
big hug, jeep
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Old 07-01-2007, 02:14 PM
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I would not give him just a general phone. There are phones out that can be programmed to only send/ receive calls from certain numbers. If you don't like the idea of collect calls or phone cards (phone cards could be used to call agf just like a cell phone could) maybe one of these phones could do the trick? You could set the numbers on it, and he would have no way to change it... just a thought
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Old 07-01-2007, 03:00 PM
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If the girlfriend is in DFS custody, is she allowed to get his calls anyway. He could also use the phone to call dealers. So probably no phone is best. If you buy him a programable phone he could later sell it for drug money. Just a thought. Marle
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Old 07-01-2007, 03:25 PM
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(((Laketime))))


Lots of good advice up there. Please include my prayers... for you and your son.
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Old 07-02-2007, 06:17 AM
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we struggled with cell phone. i quit paying it in november of last year. and you know what - through all this she has managed to keep it on..

i like the idea of the programable phone.

blessings, and glad your son is at oxford.

k
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