When the heart finally agrees with the head
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 59
When the heart finally agrees with the head
Hi everyone,
I haven't posted anything in several months, but I've been reading every single day. In my last post, I had thought I decided that I was finally done with my agf, but 2 months later, after pretty convincing performance(what she thought I needed to hear, what I wanted to hear), and I allowed myself to try "just one more time". It's been about 4 months since, and I now can say, without any hesitation, that my heart now has a better connection with my head. This last time around I didn't ignore the inner voice that in the past always knew the truth, the one I chose to ignore. I can't say with 100% certainty that she began using cocaine again, but it doesn't matter anyeway because the behavior was as bad as it ever was,and absolutely that of an addict. Reading the posts here everyday has helped me to keep my thoughts focused on myself and my son. I left her and although I feel a little sad, I know every single day that moving on and far away from her is what is right for myself and for my son, that staying means only more disrespect, more lies, more deceipt, more distrust, and I believe it's the inability for me to give trust to her that is what made me come to this point. I realized that the situation would not, could not, allow for me to do the things I want to do for myself, for my son, and although I invested everything I had in every way, investing more would be only that much more wasted.
It took me 2 years to reach this point, to not only see how wrong it has been, but also to feel it. I now have found a calmness that always seemed to be far out of my reach in the past. Maybe it's just that it finally got through to me that what I had and what I got from her, was not what I wanted and needed, and that staying any longer would only mean denying myself and my son what we both deserve so much, to be away from drama and chaos, the erratic and unbelievably irrational, arrogant,self centered behavior. I actually like my life right now, I love my son, I love my job and my field, but most importantly I realize and feel completely, that although everyone makes mistakes, it's what we learn from them and how we use the new founded knowledge to make our lives better that makes us better people, to try not to make the same mistakes over and over again. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results......insanity right? I realize and now feel that how a person treats us, what a person does or doesn't do, is not at all about ourselves and what we give or have inside, but entirely what that person has inside themselves. As a codie, I guess it's typical that we do so much for others, and not so much for ourselves. I did the best thing I could ever do for myself. I walked away from something that I know is not just bad, but toxic, I think because my heart has finally come to an agreement with my head that it's not good to disagree so much, and that when there is a strong disagreement, a step back, or detachment can and will make any situation much clearer. I'm now back into My life, and it's not a bad one, it's actually a pretty good one. I think everything does happen for a reason and that the reason might be that we just keep learning something each day while we're here, and that hopefully we make a better decision, today, tonight, or tomorrow, because of whatever it was we learned just before.
Just ramblin....in one of those moods today
Hope everyone out there has a safe and happy holiday this coming week.
I haven't posted anything in several months, but I've been reading every single day. In my last post, I had thought I decided that I was finally done with my agf, but 2 months later, after pretty convincing performance(what she thought I needed to hear, what I wanted to hear), and I allowed myself to try "just one more time". It's been about 4 months since, and I now can say, without any hesitation, that my heart now has a better connection with my head. This last time around I didn't ignore the inner voice that in the past always knew the truth, the one I chose to ignore. I can't say with 100% certainty that she began using cocaine again, but it doesn't matter anyeway because the behavior was as bad as it ever was,and absolutely that of an addict. Reading the posts here everyday has helped me to keep my thoughts focused on myself and my son. I left her and although I feel a little sad, I know every single day that moving on and far away from her is what is right for myself and for my son, that staying means only more disrespect, more lies, more deceipt, more distrust, and I believe it's the inability for me to give trust to her that is what made me come to this point. I realized that the situation would not, could not, allow for me to do the things I want to do for myself, for my son, and although I invested everything I had in every way, investing more would be only that much more wasted.
It took me 2 years to reach this point, to not only see how wrong it has been, but also to feel it. I now have found a calmness that always seemed to be far out of my reach in the past. Maybe it's just that it finally got through to me that what I had and what I got from her, was not what I wanted and needed, and that staying any longer would only mean denying myself and my son what we both deserve so much, to be away from drama and chaos, the erratic and unbelievably irrational, arrogant,self centered behavior. I actually like my life right now, I love my son, I love my job and my field, but most importantly I realize and feel completely, that although everyone makes mistakes, it's what we learn from them and how we use the new founded knowledge to make our lives better that makes us better people, to try not to make the same mistakes over and over again. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results......insanity right? I realize and now feel that how a person treats us, what a person does or doesn't do, is not at all about ourselves and what we give or have inside, but entirely what that person has inside themselves. As a codie, I guess it's typical that we do so much for others, and not so much for ourselves. I did the best thing I could ever do for myself. I walked away from something that I know is not just bad, but toxic, I think because my heart has finally come to an agreement with my head that it's not good to disagree so much, and that when there is a strong disagreement, a step back, or detachment can and will make any situation much clearer. I'm now back into My life, and it's not a bad one, it's actually a pretty good one. I think everything does happen for a reason and that the reason might be that we just keep learning something each day while we're here, and that hopefully we make a better decision, today, tonight, or tomorrow, because of whatever it was we learned just before.
Just ramblin....in one of those moods today
Hope everyone out there has a safe and happy holiday this coming week.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
You are doing well and that is the main thing. You took steps to take care of you and your son. You don't need the chaos and you walked away from it. I am glad you find this site so helpful. It is a wonderful place and very supportive.
Enjoy your holiday week, and do something special with your son
Enjoy your holiday week, and do something special with your son
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Sometimes it is a long tough process to get heart and head to think in synch...I'm glad that you have found the strength to do what is right for you and your son. Each day it will get better and more joyful. Happy Independence Day indeed!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: down south
Posts: 58
Nice to read your post
Your post was balm to my soul. I am so gald to hear you are comitted to taking care of your son (and self of course-- how else could you do it for him?) How bold of you to learn to come to understand your boundries so clearly. I wish you much happiness and wholeness
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sounds as if you have finally reached your bottom with her.you do deserve a better life & so does your son. i wish you much happiness. keep coming back & let us know how you are doing.hugs & prayers,
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