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Old 06-30-2007, 05:22 AM
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new thread.....for more help!

I posted this in my other thread but wanted to make it its own thread.....for further advise
Thnaks
Thank you to everyone who replied.........

I think I am actually more sick this time than ever before..........isnt it suppose to hurt less........as we get used to it?

Theres nothing I can do for him, nothing at all..............the person that cared --at all-- ever is gone ...........and I have to be done with this once and for all

I have some difficult choices like what about step child? like everyone else -----child is here waiting for dad to get better.......and return.........
I had given up most hope of any relationship with AH, slowly I have been accepting that the damage was beyond repair for me and I have been trying to work on me....by slowly letting go of the dream that oneday it would be good again...............yet I had hope for him, and wanted to support him mainly for step child........but now once again hes taken that hope and stomped on it..............
till theres nothing left.

So what about step child is it fair to try to keep the child? Fair to the child or to me
I was holding on with the EXPECTATION that he would get well........work a program and return and build a life for the two of them if nothing else....................yet I dont see that happening now

This child lived with the extended family for many years before STBXAH and I fought for years to regain custody.................which he finally won before the initial relapse.........

step child has said .........doesnt want to go back to extended family even though the child loves them the child wants to stay here.............I think to wait for dad, and also so the child doesnt have to hear I told you so....since the child was in the middle of a very bitter dispute for many years and is well aware of the extended families distain for dad......................and they put the child in the middle often

They the extended family dont even know about relapse ---much less treatment and now leaving treatment..............but if and when they know------you can bet they will be dragging me into court...........which shouldnt be a problem since dad signed temporary custody to me................

but what I am having such an issue with is...........the childs loyality switched to dad..from the extended family.............but now dad is gone and I have little to no hope that he will be returning clean or sober...........and If I feel this way shouldnt the child be with the people who raised the child most of the childs life rather than the soon to be xwife of the dad? Shouldnt he have a life without addiction in it. I could just bang my head on the wall knowing how many years I supported dad in his quest to regain custody............never would I have dreamed he would relapse and risk losing the child..........but thats done the fact is child was removed from only home the child knew the child bonded with dad and our family...........child still goes to weekend visits with the extended family but says does not want to live there again..........

We, my children and I love this child dearly yet......is keeping him the right thing to do....since I believe there is little to no chance dad will ever be able to put child before himself? And is it fair to me or my children to keep this man in our life in any way......which if I have his child he will be
OHHHHHH I could really just kill the childs dad............and right now I wouldnt spit on him if he burst into flames in front of my eyes!!!!


PLEASE help any and ALL imput would be great!!!
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Old 06-30-2007, 05:37 AM
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I am not the best person to answer this post. I have very strong opinions on the issue of raising children in the home of an addict/alcoholic. I lived the nightmare and I still carry the scars today.

I don't know how old the child is, so it hard to say how going back to the extended family will effect him, but I will say this.

"If you are not 100% sure that you are done with this relationship, and will not take him back, I would consider letting him return to a safe, stable enviorment".

Just my two cents.
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Old 06-30-2007, 05:44 AM
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I am 100% committed to not taking him back(dad)

I am also committed to this child ( whos 11) and I am safe and was stable before all this came into our life.........

I just have reservations because the child when first told that dad relapsed asked me........do I have to go back? and I said do you want to and he said no..........and then I said ok...............then I'll do my best but I cant promise.............

part of me feels I should just keep him.............a big part really
then another part thinks...........if I sent him back it may take some time but maybe he could move on and ............have his life back the way it was........except thats not really possible since before he didnt know or love dad now he does..............moms in prison......drugs too!!
I just hate this I wish there was an easy answer but theres just not is there?
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Old 06-30-2007, 05:47 AM
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I guess one of the hardest parts of this for you is that if the kids stays with you and you split with his/her father, then you will still have to have the father in your life.

It sounds like the family will try to maybe get custody again, since you said that they had a bitter custody battle in the past.

The child wants to stay with you, but you think this is mainly because he/she thinks the dad will come back and all will be good if he waits it out.

Am I getting this right?

How old is the child?
How long has the child lived with you?
Is the child treated well by the extended family?

I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say. If your custody is only temporary, then you may most likely lose custody anyway if the dad doesn't get his s**t together?
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Old 06-30-2007, 06:00 AM
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dad has custody.......and I'm his wife so when he went to treatment he gave me temporary custody in his absence.............

the child is 11..........has been with us for 1 1/2 years full time and split for 5 years before that

do they treat him well? yes and no...........
yes they love him but they lied to him for years told him they were his parents.....dad was away due to drugs.........

during the custody dispute and after....they do stuff like make him feel guilty for wanting to be with dad.............say negative things to and in fronnt of him.......and most recently say little things to make him feel bad......these are things he tells me about........but he loves them I do know that.......its kinda like they never thought he'd attach to dad....that hed be miserable and want to be with them and when he didnt they seem resentful...........

deep down I know that they will have some negative impact...........on him regarding dad.........
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Old 06-30-2007, 06:09 AM
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I am turley sorry for your situatuon. I might not be one of the best ones to ask about the child, cuz I'm one of those people that would take in a bunch of kids if I could. I'm not good at putting my own needs before a child. That said, I would go slowly. You don't have to make a decision today or even tomorrow. I would try to help the boy understand his dad does love him, but he is very sick. He is not doing this on purpose. Maybe call the pediatrition & get a recomendation of a counsler he can see cuz no matter where he ends up he could probably benifit from some help.

Last edited by helpus; 06-30-2007 at 06:28 AM.
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Old 06-30-2007, 06:13 AM
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Originally Posted by liesagain View Post
dad has custody.......and I'm his wife so when he went to treatment he gave me temporary custody in his absence.............

the child is 11..........has been with us for 1 1/2 years full time and split for 5 years before that

do they treat him well? yes and no...........
yes they love him but they lied to him for years told him they were his parents.....dad was away due to drugs.........

during the custody dispute and after....they do stuff like make him feel guilty for wanting to be with dad.............say negative things to and in fronnt of him.......and most recently say little things to make him feel bad......these are things he tells me about........but he loves them I do know that.......its kinda like they never thought he'd attach to dad....that hed be miserable and want to be with them and when he didnt they seem resentful...........

deep down I know that they will have some negative impact...........on him regarding dad.........
It sounds like the extended family kind of messed with the poor kid's head. I suppose maybe they didn't mean to, maybe they were trying to spare him the pain of getting close to the dad and having dad disappear...

I'm sorry I can't be of more help. i think that maybe since you have temporary custody for now, and since this new relapse has just happened, you have a lot on your plate to think about.

I guess I would suggest that you don't have to make a decision right now as far as the child goes. Give yourself some time to think about it and feel out the situation.

Has the child ever had any counseling? It sounds like maybe after being lied to about who his parents are and such he could really use some.

You are in a tough situation, I imagine this is very hard on you.

hugs, Lisa
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Old 06-30-2007, 06:18 AM
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This may come out a little twisted, but:

Their radar might have been tuned in the right direction. They "knew" his Dad was not going to kick his habit, and although they handled it wrong, they were trying to protect him. And desparate not to lose him, they made some bad choices. There is no one book that tells you exactly what is the right or wrong thing to do with children, I believe their heart is in the right place, just need some help with head part.

The real truth is, if you can "keep" him, you will always have a connection to his Dad and so will your children...you might want to give that some thought. Will that be healthy for you and your children?

Last edited by dollydo; 06-30-2007 at 06:39 AM.
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Old 06-30-2007, 06:36 AM
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The child needs to go to counseling. He's old enough to start to work out a plan of what he wants. You need to think about what YOU really want too.

So far, you mention him as "step child" or "child" and talk as though his connection to you is through AH and temporary custody. Taking custody of a child for life is clearly no simple issue. As you have kids already of your own I'm sure you know.

If yoiu are thinking about "Keeping" (it makes him sound like a puppy) your stepson, then you must examine the reasons why. Is it out of guilt? Or fear? Or do you truly want to be a mother to this boy, forever, because you love him like he is your own child. As you are concerned about keeping AH in your life through the child, you may want to look at that. The kid isn't a pawn or a conductor through which adult stuff should pass.

IMO, AH will always be in your life anyhow...at least in your mind. But I think if you really wanted to keep custody of his son you would already know.

hugs....
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Old 06-30-2007, 06:53 AM
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i can not answer that question.that is for you to decide.it is hard to raise children today.just know my prayers are with your & your family.
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Old 06-30-2007, 07:14 AM
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I put this inyour other thread but will do so here as well. Please understand that others may have better advice. I did not grow up in a family of addicts and I do not have children:

This child will ALWAYS live with addiction. His Father is an addict, whether he is physically present or not.

If you love this child and would like to raise him as one of your own, knowing full well his Father could sober up someday and take him, do so. I would live in today and love this child and not stress over the what-if's of his extended family or his addicted Father.

What will happen will happen. Today is all you have.
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Old 06-30-2007, 07:22 AM
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Originally Posted by liesagain
step child has said .........doesnt want to go back to extended family even though the child loves them the child wants to stay here.............I think to wait for dad, and also so the child doesnt have to hear I told you so....since the child was in the middle of a very bitter dispute for many years and is well aware of the extended families distain for dad......................and they put the child in the middle often
This is the part I don't like about the whole thing involving the child's welfare he was put in the middle. He is only 11 years old and has been torn apart already.

Does the child's mother have any input at all? I know she is in prison but, maybe she with her mothers heart could have some good insight. She may not be able to do much but, her opinion of the situation could be valuable. If I was in prison and had a young child I would still want the best for my child. I am sure many moms in prison loose their children to the system.

I think anyone with half a brain would want the child to be where he is most stable. Also it seems like the child has been thru sooooooooo much I hope his stability will be the #1 priority for everyone....
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Old 06-30-2007, 07:29 AM
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Really? There is no other addiction in dad's family? I've heard that is possible, but I've seldom, seldom seen it. Their behavior sounds so much like the chaotic, damaging family dynamic I got to experience and that I see in my alanon families today.

I just have reservations because the child when first told that dad relapsed asked me........do I have to go back? and I said do you want to and he said no..........and then I said ok...............then I'll do my best but I cant promise.............
I think this is a good plan. Child's needs should be first... if you really are up for this. Your are heading into some of the toughest times... and on the other side, some of the most rewarding.

I wish you well.
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Old 06-30-2007, 07:47 AM
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Lies,

I can understand easily how you are even more hurt this time!

As to the stepson...I think others have addressed that.
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Old 06-30-2007, 07:49 AM
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((((lies)))))

I was in a very similar type of situation with my exah's daughter. She was about the same age as your stepchild when my exah was out using drugs and running from rehabs. Her biological mom wasn't in prison or an addict but she was neglectful of her daughter and therefore she spent 90% of her time at our home. I felt so badly for this child...I had been her step-mom since she was 3...I wanted SO BADLY to do the right thing for her and protect her, as best I could, from her dad's drug use and her neglectful mom.


What I realized, after alot of prayer and consideration is that I could not assume that this child was better off with me than her biological mother. I didn't have a leg to stand on in terms of taking custody of her away from her mom. It wasn't my place. This child returned to live with her mom but I always kept the door open for her at our home. My former step-daughter, who is now 14, spends almost every weekend and every holiday with me. She still calls me 'mom'. She knows I am here for her...always...even if she doesn't live with me..and even if her father and I are divorced.

You don't have to make any decisions TODAY about how to handle this situation. Sit on it for a while and pray for guidance. Whether this child goes back to his bio. family is out of your control completely (unless, of course, there are substantial reasons why he should't be there). The most important thing you can do is let him know that you love him, that you'll always be there for him, and that your home and heart will always be open to him if he has to return to his biological family. Its not an IDEAL situation...not by far...but in this situation, it might be the best thing you can offer. Don't underestimate the influence you have had on this child's life. It sounds like you've given him love and a stable home environment. You may not be able to prevent him from having to leave, but you can remain a stable, loving force in his life.

Like I said, you don't have to decide all of this today. Sit with it a while and pray. The answers will come.

I'm sorry you're going thru all of this...again.
I pray you find the peace you need in your life.
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Old 06-30-2007, 08:00 AM
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Lies,

I have no experience in this area, so I don't feel qualified to tell you anything.

But I can pray for you, the step child and your other children. And I'll do that, praying that your HP will show you what to do at just the right time.

((((((((((((((Lies and your children))))))))))))).

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Old 06-30-2007, 08:26 AM
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Lies,

As one who was raised in a household with addicts, my opinion has to be taken with a grain of salt.

This child needs to have whatever home is going to offer him the maximum love and stability and freedom from addiction's madness for at least the next seven years of his life. Like Dolly, I don't see it as a huge crisis that the extended family told him THEY were his parents...my intuition says they were just trying to make it all less confusing to him as a lil guy. I also (forgive me) don't see it as a huge crisis that they tried to encourage him to NOT be with your husband. People outside of addiction can't see why people like you and I would stay with an addict, and they see things differently than we do.

I wish someone had offered me an alternative to my situation when I was 11.

If you love him, if you are truly committed to his happiness even if it means you will eliminate all unnecessary contact with your XAH (if you follow through and do this...do you know for sure that you will? Ask any of the wives here how easy that is to do), and if you will protect his peace of mind and stability no matter what, then consider keeping him under your wing.

Open your mind to the possibility of talking to the extended family about what's best for the child, preferably in the company of a child therapist who can sort out the goods and the bads of all of the different behavior that's gone on. Tell the therapist that you'd like to walk away with a road map to minimize the damage that's been done already, and make the next few years of his life better.

Consider gathering the courage and integrity to admit to them (as you've done to us) that you guessed wrong about your husband's addiction, that you're sorry for your inadvertent part in all the chaos surrounding this poor kid, and try to find a solution TOGETHER that is best for him. Sometimes, when we put our heads together with people who used to be the enemy, we can come up with some good ideas.

Good luck with this.
Hugs,
GL
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Old 06-30-2007, 09:24 AM
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You don't have to make any decisions TODAY about how to handle this situation. Sit on it for a while and pray for guidance. Whether this child goes back to his bio. family is out of your control completely (unless, of course, there are substantial reasons why he should't be there). The most important thing you can do is let him know that you love him, that you'll always be there for him, and that your home and heart will always be open to him if he has to return to his biological family. Its not an IDEAL situation...not by far...but in this situation, it might be the best thing you can offer. Don't underestimate the influence you have had on this child's life. It sounds like you've given him love and a stable home environment. You may not be able to prevent him from having to leave, but you can remain a stable, loving force in his life.
Open your mind to the possibility of talking to the extended family about what's best for the child, preferably in the company of a child therapist who can sort out the goods and the bads of all of the different behavior that's gone on. Tell the therapist that you'd like to walk away with a road map to minimize the damage that's been done already, and make the next few years of his life better.

Lies, I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Not only are you dealing with the pain and anger of a disease gone out of control once again, you are worried about a child you love. In situations where emotions are so raw, I find the need to live in today to be of utmost importance.

So perhaps, just for today you can love your step son unconditionally and be there for him to get through the difficult time of coming to terms with his dad's relapse. Are there any Alateen meetings in your area? This might be helpful to him...to share with others his age that are going through similar tough times.

I think there are so many wise words in this thread. I particularly focused in on what OOAL and Give Love said above. There is no need for a specific decision today as long as this little boy is safe and loved and feels secure. I think that there are so many things to weigh, but that also the child is old enough to have some thoughts about what is going on. He may not know what is best for him...heavens, sometimes we as adults don't know what is best for us when we are in the middle of a crisis...but with loving support, honesty and time, a solution will work itself out.

I'm sending prayers that your HP gives you strength and clarity and that you will know when the right time is for the next decision to be made. Hugs
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Old 06-30-2007, 05:16 PM
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sorry that i'm late on this lies, just wanted to add my 2 cent, they kind of gave me my ss son, when he was 3 yrs old, my ah and i seperated for a good 3 yrs at one time while he was out drugging, and his son chose to stay home with me and my kids and i choose to keep him. it was hard financially, i didn't have any support from either parent but my intentions were to give my ss a stable home. even though, i keep my ss, i still at that time chose to stick to my boundaries concerning dad, maybe you can too. jmho

i think that the choice is yours but sounds like you all are a family, maybe for now , you could just keep the child if possible, i think that maybe in the long run, it could turn out to be a better deal for the child.
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Old 07-01-2007, 07:30 AM
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(((Lies)))
You are in a very tricky position and i hope all the answers above will help you see the solution. It might take time though, try not to rush to a conclusion too fast,until you are certain of it being the one you feel the most confortable with. (though whatever is your decision, it will not be an easy one)
Hugs
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