what a kick in the teeth
 

Well AH checked out of treatment center today...........now has cell phone I sent him...........turned off

checked the messages and here a message from some guy ....with saying hey .........me and Brittany are here at the beach at the spanish cantina ..listen to this music..........

AND AH is MIA!!!!!!

beautiful

I am so sorry.....I really thought and hoped all was going to go much better.

(((((liesagain)))))

I hear ya. I used to check up on my H... it got to where I finally realized that if I felt I had to check up on him that it was me having a slip; a codie slip...this is what we do as we go thru our process...

He is MIA that is what they do.

I found that if I felt compeled to check on him that I was not paying attention....I was trying to still make my dream come true with someone who had no intention of living the dream I had for myself and him...slowly slowly I have accepted that I can't have a relationship with someone that does not consider my feelings or want the same things I want....it is hard. Checking up on him became such a hurtful thing for me...I already knew he was off doing dope or something else he did not want me involved in or to know about. I began to understand the phrase "hands off the addict"...

I am sorry for your pain please be gentle with yourself.

That's f****d up.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
I remember your post where you were wondering if you did the right thing..i thought it was gonna be ok. Maybe the fact that you asked here was your intuition?
I think maybe i can kind of imagine how you feel, too.
It just reminds me of the way my ex was...
I would do something that was supposed to help in his effort to be sober, and it would backfire!
It's so hard to trust and get your hopes up over and over,,,and have the addict betray you over and over....
I'm so sorry you have this disappointment.

hugs, lisarae

You do know none of this is your fault and I still do not believe you did anything wrong in taking him those things.

It is his choice to misuse them and throw away his chance at being well.

Yeah, i didn't mean to imply it is your fault...

I would have done the same thing.

Sounds like his addiction has won this round. I am sorry for the pain this causes you... really. I am codie enough to wish I could just sit with ya over a cup of coffee and give you a hug and tell you it will all be ok.

But I can't... not because it won't be ok, but because I can't make you feel better... that will take time and processing what it happening and what this means for you.

Each time I take an action and receive pain, I have to think about what actions I can change, and whether I am really ready to MAKE those changes. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes the answer is no.

But I have yet to have those big hurts without a lesson attached. Some of this stuff I just had to walk through in order to learn something.


My prayers to you are for strenght and wisdom and comfort.


(((liesagain)))

Ohhh dear...so sorry to hear that.
what does MIA mean?

I guess nothing you can do now, try not to think where the hell he is or if he is using or not. It'll just make you madder. I know it is easier said than done but try to only focus on you. Sorry hon, hope he'll find his path soon.

Hugs
Carine

It hurts to have our hopes shattered. I am sorry for your let down. He has made a choice, now you have to consider what yours will be. Let us know.

Sorry.
More of what addicts do. *sigh*

You should be proud of yourself for trying to do the right thing....it says alot about your character. What AH is doing also says a lot about his. You did the best you could, and thats never something to regret. Now do the right thing for yourself. You deserve to give yourself every chance now, just like you've done with AH. Hard as it is, try to let go ~ and be good to yourself!

Sorry, sounds like he had a plan when he asked for the phone, and, the plan was to bolt and go about his business.

Don't be hard on yourself, addicts are cunning and can fool the best of us.

Get those bounderies firmly in place, and decided what your next step is.

Thank you to everyone who replied.........

I think I am actually more sick this time than ever before..........isnt it suppose to hurt less........as we get used to it?

Theres nothing I can do for him, nothing at all..............the person that cared --at all-- ever is gone ...........and I have to be done with this once and for all

I have some difficult choices like what about step child? like everyone else -----child is here waiting for dad to get better.......and return.........
I had given up most hope of any relationship with AH, slowly I have been accepting that the damage was beyond repair for me and I have been trying to work on me....by slowly letting go of the dream that oneday it would be good again...............yet I had hope for him, and wanted to support him mainly for step child........but now once again hes taken that hope and stomped on it..............
till theres nothing left.

So what about step child is it fair to try to keep the child? Fair to the child or to me
I was holding on with the EXPECTATION that he would get well........work a program and return and build a life for the two of them if nothing else....................yet I dont see that happening now

This child lived with the extended family for many years before STBXAH and I fought for years to regain custody.................which he finally won before the initial relapse.........

step child has said .........doesnt want to go back to extended family even though the child loves them the child wants to stay here.............I think to wait for dad, and also so the child doesnt have to hear I told you so....since the child was in the middle of a very bitter dispute for many years and is well aware of the extended families distain for dad......................and they put the child in the middle often

They the extended family dont even know about relapse ---much less treatment and now leaving treatment..............but if and when they know------you can bet they will be dragging me into court...........which shouldnt be a problem since dad signed temporary custody to me................

but what I am having such an issue with is...........the childs loyality switched to dad..from the extended family.............but now dad is gone and I have little to no hope that he will be returning clean or sober...........and If I feel this way shouldnt the child be with the people who raised the child most of the childs life rather than the soon to be xwife of the dad? Shouldnt he have a life without addiction in it. I could just bang my head on the wall knowing how many years I supported dad in his quest to regain custody............never would I have dreamed he would relapse and risk losing the child..........but thats done the fact is child was removed from only home the child knew the child bonded with dad and our family...........child still goes to weekend visits with the extended family but says does not want to live there again..........

We, my children and I love this child dearly yet......is keeping him the right thing to do....since I believe there is little to no chance dad will ever be able to put child before himself? And is it fair to me or my children to keep this man in our life in any way......which if I have his child he will be
OHHHHHH I could really just kill the childs dad............and right now I wouldnt spit on him if he burst into flames in front of my eyes!!!!


PLEASE help any and ALL imput would be great!!!

Liesagain - Having been with the female Houdini of all addicts I understand the pain that you feel. Although I found my xagf half the time at a drug house and after I would barge in and risk being killed, it only made things worse finding her. He is a addict and a miserable one at that. I do hope you take this last straw event and get rid of this guy. As far as the child I cant help you there but your happiness is all you can work on now not the childs. Take care.

Liesagain,
Well crap......I know you thought you were doing the right thing, but now you know, so time to move on with your plan of action.
As far as the step-child goes, if the law allows and you can afford to keep the child (who may be not that young from what i gather?), then let them stay with you and your kids.
You'll need to file a restraining order ASAP against AH. Do it today before something bad happens.

Liesagain, Honey I am so so sorry. I might start by seeing if you can talk to one of the counslers that he was just in treatment with. They might be able to give some input to see if he was just BS ing while he was there or if he was really working the program. I don't know if it would matter to you eaither way.
How old is the child & how long have you been a part of his/her life? Noone can tell you what to do, I might suggest not making any quick decisions. You need to do what is best for you, but also go slowly with the child since he/she has already been moved around. Addiction just sucks.

the childs 11......been with us fulltime for 1 1/2 years was 1/2 time for 5 before that
YUP addiction sucks and at the moment so does my STBXAH

(((((liesagain))))

As far as the child goes you may not have any legal rights also if you do keep the child it would probably keep you tied to the dad...

I am sure the child is worth a fight to keep him win or loose he would know that at least you did try and it could be a boost for his self esteem. Are your children related to him? I am sure that could carry some weight in court.

Hang in there...

I'm just sending a hug because I know how disappointing this can be. I too used to get my hopes up every time my son went to rehab and seemed to hurt more each time he relapsed.

I had to turn my hopes to me, to working on my recovery and my survival from the pain. It was the only way my life became worth living again.

My prayers go out for you and your children and step-child. I hate when children suffer too, it's bad enough for us adults and it must really hurt kids who don't understand.

Hugs to all of you. :hug:

As to this child.. he will ALWAYS live with addiction. His Father is an addict, whether he is physically present or not.

If you love this child and would like to raise him as one of your own, knowing full well his Father could sober up someday and take him, do so. I would live in today and love this child and not stress over the what-if's of his extended family or his addicted Father.

What will happen will happen. Today is all you have.