What to do about my sister
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 2
What to do about my sister
Hello all,
I'm new here and would really like your opinion about something.
A little (or a lot) of background:
My mom, my middle sister, and I live in Washington state. My youngest sister (the addict) and my dad live in Hawaii.
My youngest sister is 27 years old and has been a heroin user (among other things - coke, meth, etc.) for probably about 10 years. We have tried many things over the past 10 years to get help and have done the best we could do to give her the support we need. In hindsight, we did a lot of enabling, but hindsight's 20/20 and we're trying to avoid that now as much as possible.
To the problem at hand: She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl just short of a year ago. The baby was born at full term and appears to be completely healthy so far (she was born with drugs in her system, and so she had to go through withdrawals, which my mom and I helped her through - a heartbreaking experience).
CPS has been involved from the very beginning, and has given my sister a clear outline of the things she needs to do in order to be able to raise her daughter. At every turn, she has chosen not to get the help she needs. On July 3rd, they are going to tell her that she has 3 months to get clean and that if she doesn't, they are going to send Jasmine (the baby) over here (to Washington) to be cared for by either me or my sister & our respective families (we are both married with children).
There is some disagreement between my family as to whether my sister should be allowed to come back here to Washington. My dad and middle sister think that she would be better off here because she could continue to see her daughter and she has a larger support network here (clean friends, friends who used to use, and family). My mom and I stay that the worst thing that could happen would be for her to come over here - that she needs to stay in Hawaii in be forced to make a choice - the drugs or her daughter.... that she should not be able to come back to Washington until she is clean and has remained clean for a determined period of time (3 months, 6 months, etc.) We argue that it doesn't matter what kind of support network she thinks she has - that it would only take a phone call or two to get hooked up with whatever drugs she wants and then would be no better off than if she and her daughter remained together in Hawaii (my Dad is caring for Jasmine now as a foster parent).
what do you think?
Janelle
I'm new here and would really like your opinion about something.
A little (or a lot) of background:
My mom, my middle sister, and I live in Washington state. My youngest sister (the addict) and my dad live in Hawaii.
My youngest sister is 27 years old and has been a heroin user (among other things - coke, meth, etc.) for probably about 10 years. We have tried many things over the past 10 years to get help and have done the best we could do to give her the support we need. In hindsight, we did a lot of enabling, but hindsight's 20/20 and we're trying to avoid that now as much as possible.
To the problem at hand: She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl just short of a year ago. The baby was born at full term and appears to be completely healthy so far (she was born with drugs in her system, and so she had to go through withdrawals, which my mom and I helped her through - a heartbreaking experience).
CPS has been involved from the very beginning, and has given my sister a clear outline of the things she needs to do in order to be able to raise her daughter. At every turn, she has chosen not to get the help she needs. On July 3rd, they are going to tell her that she has 3 months to get clean and that if she doesn't, they are going to send Jasmine (the baby) over here (to Washington) to be cared for by either me or my sister & our respective families (we are both married with children).
There is some disagreement between my family as to whether my sister should be allowed to come back here to Washington. My dad and middle sister think that she would be better off here because she could continue to see her daughter and she has a larger support network here (clean friends, friends who used to use, and family). My mom and I stay that the worst thing that could happen would be for her to come over here - that she needs to stay in Hawaii in be forced to make a choice - the drugs or her daughter.... that she should not be able to come back to Washington until she is clean and has remained clean for a determined period of time (3 months, 6 months, etc.) We argue that it doesn't matter what kind of support network she thinks she has - that it would only take a phone call or two to get hooked up with whatever drugs she wants and then would be no better off than if she and her daughter remained together in Hawaii (my Dad is caring for Jasmine now as a foster parent).
what do you think?
Janelle
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Janelle,
This is a tough one. My first instinct as a sister of an addict is to agree with you, that she needs to be clean before she makes a decision about seeing her daughter. Furthermore, it might be bad for the child to be around her mother in that situation.
Something else to think about: CPS would probably frown on mommy leaving the state, especially to get closer to her daughter.
If they are about to give her three months, maybe that three months will be just what she needs (hopefully). Maybe the idea of losing her baby is her rock bottom. My sister was determined to stay out of rehab until she accidentally OD'd and almost died three weeks ago. Now she is one of the most enthusiastic patients they have.
I hope and pray your sister will do the same.
*hugs*
-Courtney
This is a tough one. My first instinct as a sister of an addict is to agree with you, that she needs to be clean before she makes a decision about seeing her daughter. Furthermore, it might be bad for the child to be around her mother in that situation.
Something else to think about: CPS would probably frown on mommy leaving the state, especially to get closer to her daughter.
If they are about to give her three months, maybe that three months will be just what she needs (hopefully). Maybe the idea of losing her baby is her rock bottom. My sister was determined to stay out of rehab until she accidentally OD'd and almost died three weeks ago. Now she is one of the most enthusiastic patients they have.
I hope and pray your sister will do the same.
*hugs*
-Courtney
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: canada
Posts: 72
Welcome to SR, Janelle. I hope you keep coming back. There's a lot of support here, from people who ARE and WERE going thru what your family is going thru.
In my humble opinion, 3 or 6mths is such a short time when you consider the damage that needs to be repaired. IF she is going to recover, it is an extremely difficult task emotionally, physically and spiritually. Having the baby in close proximity would not help her focus on recovery - and recovery will need to be her priority if she is ever going to be a good mom to that sweet baby.
My hubby went to a 6mth residential treatment program. Our boys were 6 & 8, so old enough to understand that daddy needed help. Once daddy got the help he needed and came home healthy and happy, it was as if he had never been gone. Young children recover quicker than we do
so the earlier she takes the time to get good, solid help, the better.
Just my two cents, which are actually only worth one
This is a tough road ahead, no matter which way it goes. I highly recommend that you, your mom and sister try Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings.
All the best to your family.
In my humble opinion, 3 or 6mths is such a short time when you consider the damage that needs to be repaired. IF she is going to recover, it is an extremely difficult task emotionally, physically and spiritually. Having the baby in close proximity would not help her focus on recovery - and recovery will need to be her priority if she is ever going to be a good mom to that sweet baby.
My hubby went to a 6mth residential treatment program. Our boys were 6 & 8, so old enough to understand that daddy needed help. Once daddy got the help he needed and came home healthy and happy, it was as if he had never been gone. Young children recover quicker than we do
so the earlier she takes the time to get good, solid help, the better.Just my two cents, which are actually only worth one
This is a tough road ahead, no matter which way it goes. I highly recommend that you, your mom and sister try Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings.
All the best to your family.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
With or without her baby, your sister's choices will be hers to make and my prayers go out that she will choose a better path.
That said, I think it is wonderful that you are watching out for the baby, the innocent child who has no part in all of this and who needs to be protected. My thoughts are that unless your sister has shown by her actions that she has chosen to get clean and stay clean, and unless she has some decent recovery time under her belt, it would serve to useful purpose to anyone for her to come to see the child.
If you can manage to keep yourself in a good place with all this and if you end up getting the child, your well being and that of the child should be your main concern.
Prayers for all of you.
Hugs
That said, I think it is wonderful that you are watching out for the baby, the innocent child who has no part in all of this and who needs to be protected. My thoughts are that unless your sister has shown by her actions that she has chosen to get clean and stay clean, and unless she has some decent recovery time under her belt, it would serve to useful purpose to anyone for her to come to see the child.
If you can manage to keep yourself in a good place with all this and if you end up getting the child, your well being and that of the child should be your main concern.
Prayers for all of you.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 2
Thank you for your support and advice. I'm leaving for vacation in a few days, but I think that when I get back I will find an NA support group - maybe I'll bring my mom & sister (the clean one who lives here in WA) with me... we've talked about going before but have never gone....
I just hope that my youngest sister will take this last opportunity that she is being given to get the help that she needs to turn her life around.... i'm just afraid that if this doesn't make it happen, nothing will....
I just hope that my youngest sister will take this last opportunity that she is being given to get the help that she needs to turn her life around.... i'm just afraid that if this doesn't make it happen, nothing will....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Janelle,
keep in mind too that if you can't find a convenient Naranon meeting, Alanon works the same way.
I do hope you find a meeting to thrive from. Good luck with your sister. She needs you guys, but just remember you can't help her until you have helped yourselves
We're pulling for her!
keep in mind too that if you can't find a convenient Naranon meeting, Alanon works the same way.
I do hope you find a meeting to thrive from. Good luck with your sister. She needs you guys, but just remember you can't help her until you have helped yourselves
We're pulling for her!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
What popped into my mind was:
Let her stay where she is, nothing good will come out of this UNTIL she is clean for at least a year. If she comes to where you are now and addicted, everyone will be dealing with her problem. She will not stop until she is ready, family or no family.
And to me, the child is the priorty.
I hope your sister will reach her bottom and get her act together, unfortunately, there are no guarantees, she will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether she is active or not, This disease has no cure.
You are a caring sister and sound very level headed.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
What popped into my mind was:
Let her stay where she is, nothing good will come out of this UNTIL she is clean for at least a year. If she comes to where you are now and addicted, everyone will be dealing with her problem. She will not stop until she is ready, family or no family.
And to me, the child is the priorty.
I hope your sister will reach her bottom and get her act together, unfortunately, there are no guarantees, she will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether she is active or not, This disease has no cure.
You are a caring sister and sound very level headed.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome, I'm glad that you have found SR and also that you are considering Alanon or Nranon meetings. The face to face support is wonderful.
I'm so glad that baby has a caring family who will take care of her until your sister finds her way back. I agree with Ann that what she decides to do...where she lives is her choice...Your choice is whether to allow her to see her child in the event the baby comes to you. And all of that will be dependent on where she is in recovery and whether the child is safe. Wishing you all the best and I do hope you have a peaceful and relaxing vacation.
I'm so glad that baby has a caring family who will take care of her until your sister finds her way back. I agree with Ann that what she decides to do...where she lives is her choice...Your choice is whether to allow her to see her child in the event the baby comes to you. And all of that will be dependent on where she is in recovery and whether the child is safe. Wishing you all the best and I do hope you have a peaceful and relaxing vacation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us.there is alot of good advise ahead of me.just remember there is nothing you can do for your sister. i hope her bottom will be when she loses her baby.my prayers are for u, your family & the baby.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
(((Janelle)))))
I'm like the others. Find face to face meetings, NA or Al Anon, and begin to attend. What you will learn at those meetings will help you decide what part you should play in all of this.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I'm like the others. Find face to face meetings, NA or Al Anon, and begin to attend. What you will learn at those meetings will help you decide what part you should play in all of this.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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