the denial is unbeliveable

Old 06-28-2007, 09:12 PM
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the denial is unbeliveable

my ah worte my lawyer another email after we told him we were rejecting the issues in his agreement and my agrrement is the one i am proposing to lawyer told him i would like for him to "get better" and to embrace recovery. Also, that he needed to look inward and make the right choice for the children me and him.
he did not like this answer and came back with a vengence. He said i have had mental illness for many years, and that i am trying to extort him and i cannot think clearly because of my obsessive and irrational thoughts.

It just went on and on about how his brother would testify because he said that i told his brother that he would be criminally prosecuted if he did not sign the agreement....he also said that i needed to "look inward" at myself and do whats right to be a better mother and wife...he also said that I have a past history of being violent...

he is really something....does he actually believe this sh*t....?
at one time i thought i might have ms...i was tested many years ago for it and nothing showed up then...after several years, i got additional symptoms and thougtht i had it again.....i was to afraid to get tested, but i finally did this past april and everything was fine thank god..he is using this against me by saying that HE suffered with this obsessive behavior of mine for years, and since I had obsessive thoughts about my health, i now have the same obsessive irrational thoughts about his drug abuse...

i also tried to tell his brother in a concerned fashion that my ah could loose everything and maybe he could talk to him by communicating first with my lawyer so he knows what is going on....i try to help and he uses that against me too...
i have to tell you either he has some very serious denial going on here....
or he has some serious mental health issues......

i need to run-----run far afraid he is going to try to wear me down and destroy me..he talks about gaining custody and also fighting the divorce with me right now, he is evil..he willnot take the blame or the resonsiblity for anything...he is ruthless and cunning and a manipulative liar.

any ideas how i can fight back??? i have some proof of his drug use....i think that if the judge orders a hair follicle test that will be the end of it........

Last edited by drainedwife; 06-28-2007 at 09:16 PM. Reason: add something
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Old 06-28-2007, 09:29 PM
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my only opinion is that you stop all negaotiations......dont listen to him, dont try to Help him thru his family....just stop! Sit back and let your attorney do everything
your husband is an attorney he knows the your help, warning him is not needed ......hes a big boy let him do what hes gonna do---thout your assistance or help or prodding..................
dont you want to know if and when he finally makes a good decision that its finally because he knew he needed to?
threats and warnings do no good...........
and as for his threats about you............if you know that they are unfounded and you are open and honest with your attorney then you should be fine.

try to relax...try to find something else to think about.........

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Old 06-28-2007, 09:29 PM
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What does your lawyer say?
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Old 06-28-2007, 09:31 PM
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Your h is really desparate sounding. What is the evidence you have that he was on drugs?
I can tell you one thing, try not to discuss him to any of his family! It sounds like everything you have said about him, he just turns it around and shoots it back at you.

What does the lawyer say about this latest wierdness?
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Old 06-28-2007, 09:31 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
he is really something....does he actually believe this sh*t....?
Maybe......He has a very twisted way of looking at everything, and nothing anyone says at this point is going to change that. He thinks he did nothing wrong and that the rules that others live by do not apply to him because he is 'different'.

Or maybe not.....he thinks he can control you by threats and manipulation because it has always worked before. He is freaking out because he has lost control of you and it is making him crazy. He is all over the map and any sane judge will see that in a heartbeat.

Bottom line-it doesn't matter whether or not he believes his own stuff. YOU know the truth. Stop letting him scare you. (I know, easier said than done. Been there.)

Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
any ideas how i can fight back???
The best way to fight back is not to fight back. He WANTS you to fight back so he can point at you and say "See how unstable she is?? I told you she is the crazy one!"

So you surprise him.....let him hang himself. Do not react to anything; do not talk to him or email him or send smoke signals. Let your attorney handle it.

Print off those emails and write down every rotten thing you can think of that he has done to you. When you find yourself weakening and getting ready to cave, read this stuff again and again until you remember how he is treating you and why you are doing what you are doing. Let him go so you can finally find yourself.
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Old 06-28-2007, 09:36 PM
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Duet is right about everything I think,
Don't even try and 'fight back'. It will just make it worse. Be the cool one.
If you are cool, it will make him seem all the more crazy in comparison.
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Old 06-28-2007, 09:39 PM
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Stop reading his rants.
Let your lawyer do your talking.
Ask the lawyer to give you a yes or no answer and only the details "as needed"
Yes he will seek he doesn't want anything to do with such...end of conversation.
If what he says isn't relevant towards a yes answer...yes I will seek recovery with no strings/guidelines towards you... or unless your lawyer needs share what he says to gain clarification of something from you.... you don't need read his rants or be told about them.
He will say what ever he wants... the truth still remains the truth.
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Old 06-28-2007, 09:40 PM
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Really, you must calm yourself. You will need to be composed Monday.

At times I have had to stick my fingers in my ears and repeat to, bs, bs, bs. until I get it thro' my head.
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Old 06-28-2007, 10:30 PM
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I agree with the rest don't answer his emails, or talk to him or his family everything you say will just be turned around. Your lawyer sounds pretty good do what he thinks is best. Your doing good stay strong.
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Old 06-29-2007, 04:38 AM
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You ask how do I fight back, you do it through your lawyer. Please stay away from your AH and his family this weekend. If you can go to a family member's house for the weekend do it. At least this way you won't have to hear anything from him. Just make sure all the locks have been changed on the house.
Listen to your lawyer, it seems your AH is burying himself deeper and deeper each time he sends an email. He is all over the place one day it is I'll do this and the next it is YOU are crazy and he had to put up with it.
He is showing what he is AN ADDICT and they do what they want and thow a fit if it doesn't go there way.
Hugs coming to you
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Old 06-29-2007, 04:41 AM
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I really think you should stop talking to his family, everything you say will be twisted and used against you, they are his family, not yours.

Turn it over to your attorney, let him do the negotiating and talking.
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Old 06-29-2007, 04:52 AM
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I agree with everyone ~ let your lawyer do the talking. By upsetting you and getting you off balance, he thinks he can validate that you're the one with the problem, not him.

When my Almost XAH left, he went around telling people that I was out of control, dangerous, and crazy. He even spouted off some things to me that I had supposedly done in the past that he knows full well aren't true. For a while I was in a rage, trying to make him "see" the truth and that if I had been "out of control" and a "bitch" it was because I'd had enough of putting up with his behavior while using.

All that got me was madder, because .... you can't rationalize or be logical with a substance abuser! So I took my lawyer's advice and just clammed up. As my lawyer said, AH has absolutely no proof I'm "crazy" (In fact, before he went over the edge, for years he used to tell everyone what a great wife and mother I was.), left the kids with me,(If I'm so out of control, didn't he worry about the kids?), and I have a list as long as my arm of people willing an able to testify to his alcohol and drug use. No one's ever seen me drink more than a wine cooler!

Since I stopped fighting back, and just let it all go, he's stopped with the verbal assaults, and is now back to telling me what a great mother I am if he gets a chance. Guess what? I don't even acknowledge him saying positive things any more, either. It isn't worth it.
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Old 06-29-2007, 06:46 AM
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You know, many times what I wanted to believe to be true, wasn't the truth and as much as I'd tell myself, "yeah, but if I do this then he will do that" it rarely was that easy.
Then my HP would step in and SHOW me the truth. It just took me awhile to trust that.
Take care of you, do what you need to do, or can do, to accomplish that, and you may be surprised at what your HP can accomplish without your help.
Running away isn't practical...step out of the ring for a spell. Let him exhaust himself shadow boxing. He doesn't see it, but its his own demons he's fighting.
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Old 06-29-2007, 06:46 AM
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Break all contact with him and his family. Yuppers. Live in today. Listen to your lawyer.

Change your email. Monitor your kids use of the computer. Change your phone number.

It is very frustrating for a someone ranting to rant into dead air. Same as a kid having a tantrum. No audience and the tantrum tends to subside.

No performer likes to practice when there is no audience. Don't give your AH or his family an audience.
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Old 06-29-2007, 06:49 AM
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thanks guys...
my lawyer had told me to call his was an idea from a social worker that i work try to have his brother speak to my lawyer to let him know that my ah was going to ruin his career, face possible incarceration, and financially destroy the family....of course, that backfired and now he is using it against me....i havent been talking to his family anymore....although his mother saw how upset i was yesterday when she picked up the kids...she hugged me, asked if there is anything she can do, and said she was sorry about all of this....
my lawyer is handling it, but he shows me what john sends to him so that i can tell him things he needs to know..i.e,. that john's brother knew he had a drug problem last year..john admitted using to him and said cok was like drinking 10 cups of coffee!
I have to get evidence for my lawyer to dispute his claims and also to show that my claims are indeed fact...
I have handwritten letters to me that admits his use, journal entries also admitting, a positive at-home drug test for coccaine, some emails admitted use, and shwoing his erratic behavior....
i dont know what other evidence besides all the cash advances, oh, credit card statements showing he ordered meds on -line,
i tried to take pictures of tin fooil with $800.00 written on it, but it didnt come out good, and also pen barrels with cok inside, which also didint photo well.
any other ideas of evidence?? does anyone have any info. about the hair folicel test?
he may have been able to keep himself clean over the past month...if so, i was wondering if it would show anything???
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Old 06-29-2007, 07:23 AM
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I am curious at how you think your going to get a hair folicle test ordered? Ive NEVER seen it done. Also, if his hair is short, like 1 inch, it likely would show nothing, as it's new clean hair.

Remember too, substances break down differently and show as common things in final stages. Ive sat in court and seen someone who hasnt used in 2 weeks show up positive with traces in urine tests, then Ive seen my Ah show up clean 3 days after use.
Hair folicles are the same it depends on the individual, new hair ect and how much detoxifying their body they do

Againwith this what does your lawyer think?
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Old 06-29-2007, 07:29 AM
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While many of us have been through similar situations, we are not lawyers. (Well, some of us might be, but you understand my point). These are questions you need to discuss with your lawyer. He has a strategy, I'm sure, of how he is handling your case and you need to see eye to eye with him. That way you are totally prepared to go to court.

I hear you still wishing to control your AH by setting forth terms for his recovery. Likely he will not agree to it and even if he does, it's a near guarentee it will be all BS anyway.

So sync up with your lawyer and take his advice. He clearly knows what he is doing. And as has always been said, document everything you can. Take better pictures or get your lawyers to come over and do it. However, I would say keeping drug paraphanalia in your house is a really bad idea, especially if cps shows up.
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Old 06-29-2007, 07:45 AM
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Hair sample drug testing is a great way to detect whether or not a person has used drugs in the past 90 days. Whether in an office format or in the home, hair drug testing serves the purpose of answering questions about an individualís drug use history.

How Does Hair Follicle Drug Testing Work?

Hair drug testing is actually quite simple and merely requires a sample of hair in order to be completed. Parents who are worried about their teenís use of drugs can collect a strand of hair from their pillow. Employers can request a sample from their employees. Once a hair sample has been collected, it is sealed in an envelope and sent to a participating laboratory for completion. Hair testing is fast and more accurate than other drug test forms.

For instance, hair sample drug testing can detect drug use for up to 90 days after use. The detection window is much larger in hair drug testing (compare it to few days for urine and saliva based drug testing) because trace amounts of drug chemicals become trapped inside each hair. A simple lab test can detect these trace chemicals making for either a positive or negative test result. Once the results are recorded, you are sent notification of the results. Some companies even provide a phone service where you call in, enter an account number and retrieve the results in that way.

What Kinds of Drugs Can Hair Drug Testing Detect?

Hair sample drug testing can detect all of the major types of drugs, including marijuana, opiates, methamphetamines, PCP, ecstasy, and cocaine. Hair follicle drug testing can detect the trace amounts of illicit substances trapped in the cortex of the hair for up to 90 days after use.

Employee drug testing programs often incorporate hair follicle drug testing into their plans because of the sheer accuracy of these tests. Even though hair testing is more expensive that a urine drug test kit, for example, they can provide a level of accuracy that is nearly ten times that of other testing methods. Likewise, hair follicle drug testing does not involve the embarrassing collection of samples like that of urine or saliva drug tests. In most cases, a few strands of hair is all that is needed to obtain accurate results.

Parents can also benefit from hair sample drug testing. Hair testing is discrete and confidential. An individual can be tested without their knowledge, making it so parents can know the truth about their teenís drug use first before making accusations. By using hair drug testing in the home, parents can safeguard their teens against drug abuse, and help them quit the abuse should test results come back positive.

More information about this article can be found at Hair Drug Tests. The article is prepared by Serhat Pala who runs the website Some of the information used in this article is taken from :
All About Hair Drug Testing

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Old 06-29-2007, 07:48 AM
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I think the best thing to do with the foil and the pens are to take them to the lawyers today. This way they are out of your house and he can use them if he thinks he should. What if your AH calls the police and says you are using and they come and find these things? You will be arrested for having it in your home and the kids can either end up with your AH or with the state.
Take care of yourself,
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Old 06-29-2007, 08:07 AM
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I'd turn the foil and pens into the police. If CPS came to your home and found them, whose to say they aren't yours? I bet he would jump at the chance to put the blame on you!
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