alyssiav

So my ah is working an outpatient program and has been sober for 13 days now. He still gets in these moods where he lashes out at me. In particular today .... it came up that a friend of mine knows that he is getting help and he blew up at me because he hates her and why do I have to tell everyone everything. She already knew he had a problem was I supposed to let her think he still does? Anyways he was saying he hates me and we should just get a divorce so he can start over. He says that they say in rehab that you shouldn't stay with the person your with (is that true?). He says these things and then he'll take it back later but it really hurts when he gets mad he threatens divorce and that he just wants to start over because everone knows everything. Does it really matter what everyone thinks?

Even if he keeps this up and stays clean, how is our marriage going to survive? Maybe I'll still hate him even sober. He even says "see I'm sober and I'm still like this". I think he has serious mental issues. Maybe he's bi-polar like his mom.

I just hate this ... when does it get better?

Live

My question is why do you stay and listen to those things.
My boundary is if anyone talks to me disrespectfully, I walk out the door.
They can talk to themself.
You are teaching him that he can talk to you this way, apologize and be free to do it again.
Sorry to be so blunt.

dollydo

Keep in mind even if he beats his alcohol or drug use, he will always be an addict, it is just a matter of whether he is active or not. Their mind is altered, forever.

No one should accept disrespect. What are your bounderies with him? Have you set them yet? If not, nows the time....and remember, don't set a boundry that you have no intention of keeping.

alyssiav

I guess I dont know how to set boundries. How do I keep him from being disrespectful? I can hang up the phone or ignore him... then I'm not accused of being immature or not supporting him because he is getting help so I need to deal with the additude, I'm supposed to understand. Maybe I let him be this way for too long.

Live

It will take awhile and alot of patience and persistence on your part as he is used to getting away with this.
But yes, you can walk out the door, hang up the phone, remove yourself...whatever you need to do.
I call this verbal abuse.
And when he starts telling you that you are immature etc. Do the same again.
He is NOT going to like it.
So it may get worse before it gets better.
It may help to use those words verbal abuse....to help both of you reframe this kind of talk.

dollydo

Why do you care what he accuses you of, you know the truth. 13 days does not make for recovery, it is a mere drop in the bucket....

A boundry is set to protect you from abuse, from heartache, it is about what is and what is not acceptable to you.

Clearly put, if my ex-abf got on his nasty dirty horse, I left, closed the door and disappeared, until I was ready to come back. He didn't learn, so I tossed him out...poof, he was gone, he crossed my lines.

Your hubby is sending you a message, he is not happy, in recovery or out of it.

To me, the only thing you need to understand is that he has a problem, that he created, you didn't, don't try and bear his burden for him...it is his problem, not yours.

Have you gone to any meetings? They were and are my life raft.

Keep posting, it will help.

outonalimb

When things were at their worst with my exah, I was so damned focused on getting him clean and sober that all the other problems in our relationship fell to the wayside. Addiction effects every aspect of a relationship. Just because they get clean for a while doesn't mean that all the underlying issues just go away.

My exah has been clean from drugs for a little over a year now (at least I think so anyway)...but the fall out from his addiction continue to be a problem. I don't trust him anymore...Many days, I don't even like him...I have to deal with him because we have a son together but the damage to our 'relationship' is beyond repair. It took me a very, very long time to come to this realization because I wanted so badly to just be proud of him for trying and grateful for his apparent recovery...but it all turned out to be too little, too late. Thats been my experience, at least.

No one has the right to treat you so badly...whether they are an active addict, a recovering addict, or not an addict at all. You don't have to be his whipping post. You have needs too. It aint all about him...don't forget that, okay?

alyssiav

thank you for the advise I guess I never thought that how he talks to me is verbal abuse. I always had the drugs to blame. Its hard for me to admit to myself that he really is being verbally abusive. I always felt like such a strong person and that I would never put up with this kind of treatment and I used his drug abuse as an excuse for all of that. I just cannot believe that I have allowed him to treat me this way and I guess I thought that if he got help that would stop. He wasn't always this way. Maybe he just hid it better before. I really do need to get into my own treatment as well.

Live

I too thought that the verbal abuse was a result or condition of addiction.
I really wish I had learned differently much sooner...perhaps that is why I was so blunt with you.

dollydo

alyssiav,

I have thought about the abuse many times...I think I accepted his verbal abuse (for a short time) because "He was sick", "He was an addict", I now realize it was just an excuse I created to not look at the truth. If a sober/clean man ever even thought about abusing me in any way...I would have kicked him to the street, toot sweet.

When my excuses ran out and I faced the truth, I was done.

We are here for you, we all understand what you are going through.

Live

I thought that too, Dollydo.

That's part of why I was so confused...I had never before let anyone disrespect me like that.

And then I hear, it's just the alcohol talking??? and that gets confusing!

dollydo

I so agree, it is very confusing.

I also believed that "It was the alcohol talking"...then I realized when he was drunk he dumped all of his issues on me...or should I say towards me. I became his mother, his father and his sister all in one, all the pent up aggression he has towards them were taken out on me, he didn't see me, he saw them.

It has been written that drug/alcohol addicition is a symptom of a deeper rooted problem, in his case I believe that to be true.

alyssiav

I totally feel the same way... I'm his mother, father, sister and he hates on me for how they treat him. I am his punching bag ... I hope he can find another way to get that anger out somewhere else.

dollydo

Yes, it would be great if he could redirect the anger...however, I doubt it can be done without years of therapy. Being angry for a long time is a poison that will eat you from the inside out.

outonalimb

My exah was never verbally abusive. No....he took a much different approach. He would try to kill me with kindness. He would tell me he loved me twenty times a day, rave about what a wonderful mother I am, how beautiful I am, how smart I am. and on and on and on...cater to my every need. He would treat me like a queen and then go behind my back and do whatever he wanted to do anyway. I think this is why it took me such a long time to realize that things could never go back to the way they were. My exah has a side to him that I've never seen but I know exists. Very hard to understand...so hard to figure out for the longest time.

Now my exah tries to fall over me when he sees me but the truth is...the words "I love you" are nothing more than pure, unadultered manipulation on his part. And even if they aren't...they feel like manipulation so what good does it do?

It really doesn't matter, in the long run, what tactic they use...
whether they are verbally abusive on one end of the spectrum...or overly kind and attentive on the other...I had to realize that I deserved more...I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is my equal...my partner. I don't need to babysit my partner. I need someone I can count on and lean on. How can you rely on an addict...even if they have managed to string some clean time together? I know some people work a program and are able to earn the trust of those around them back in time...and I mean a whole lot of time...and 13 days is really nothing in the grand scheme of things. Its not enough to erase all the years of pain, lies and misery. I don't know how long it would take but in my case, I don't think there's enough time in the world.

You don't have to bury your feelings and tolerate his behavior just because he's managed to get clean for 13 days. He's not the only one thats been damaged by his drug use...you have too...Its hard sometimes, to acknowledge how damaged we really are because all of the focus has been on THEM. Try to keep it on you...on your needs...your desires...Forget about what he is or isn't doing at the moment and focus on what YOU need to feel better about yourself and your life.

I know its not easy...isn't it great to have a place like SR where people really get it?

alyssiav

I do feel such a kinship to all of you who have gone through this and are going through this. What you just said - outonalimb- about the killing you with kindness. My AH is like that usually saying all those things you said, I love you 20 x's a day and what a great mother I am etc.... He says all those things but then in the same conversation he can turn to hating me and wanting a divorce bcs he can do soooo much better and this will never work, blah, blah, blah. So yes it is confusing. Which of his personalities do I believe? He is just awful at arguing. If he doesn't like something I say or do then its over and we need to get a divorce and things need to change and I need to take the blame blah blah. How do you argue with someone that throws out "just leave me then" "I Don't need you" "you're the reason I'm on drugs" "I can get a hottest girl and she'll want me all the time" "I'll get clean for someone else" etc... if I cry it's like it makes it worse. I cannot even believe some of the things he has said to me in anger! Then an hour later (after I'm practically hyperventalating (sp?) bcs I cannot believe this stranger in my house..... its "I'm sorry I love you, I can't live without you, you are everything to me, I don't know why I say those things" AHHHHH!!! Its very frustrating.

calabash

I agree with everyone. As an addict in recovery however, I must add it takes a while to get a grip on reality again! When my wife and I reconciled after I went into recovery, we agreed I must stay out of the house for 3 more moinths. I insisted on thios because I was still all over the place. I still wanted to be with her, but could not trust myself, I was still raw, hurt, and emotionally screwed up. I still am a bit emotionally screwed up (a bit) but am really working recovery. I know myself better, and am making amends.

I am not suggesting you accept anything that compromises you!

Just that hge may need more time to heal.
And like Dolly Do says, some of us are so damaged, there really is not much to work with after all the drugs. Bui not all of us.

Trust yourself, and do what is best for you

parentrecovers

early recovery is tough. hugs, k

funkzter

It is indeed only 13 days into recovery, which is better than nothin for sure, but maybe need more time to see clear - for you & for him.
I agree that no one should accept verbal abuse so maybe it's a good time you two take a little break from each other if it's possible? Like a month or so? It's a tough place to be him and i'm thinking of you
xoxo

rahsue

not that I'm sticking up for him but 13 days is nothing and he is probably somewhat irritable to say the least so of course you don't need nor deserve to be disrespected but I'm gonna guess he's not himself right now, just my opinion.
good luck to you and him.