scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ft Lauderdale, Fl
Posts: 6
scared
My 30 year old daughter is an addict. She uses xanax and anything she can find (or steal). I want to help,, but I am the enemy. She says she can take care of this herself. She is depressed and would sleep all day if she could. I want to help but I do not know how. In the meantime I am concerned about the effect on her 2 children( 6 and 2), They and her boyfriend are living with me right now.
I know this is not about me, but I feel totally without control over anything.
I know this is not about me, but I feel totally without control over anything.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 333
Welcome irish eyes - So is your daughter living with you too or just the BF and children. You are not the enemy so to speak but they do treat us that way. The addict lashes out like the devil lashing out at the priest in the movie the Excorcist. The truth of the matter is you can not DO anything for her that she cant do herself when she is ready to until then you are just spinning your wheels. You can make rehab info avl to her and then hands off the addcit. The effects of the children. Hmmm I found recently that some think kids are stronger than adults are and they can handle it...funny adults are just big versions of children and adults cant handle it. I would say the kids are being effected by chaos, money issues, the works. I would say the kids need protecting first, yourself second by coming here and reading what you don't know about addiction. If the daughter is going to recover it will not be by your actions but by her own. If the BF is not an addict he might benefit by what you learn here too but he may not want to get that absorbed in the insanity and just leave. Welcome again and keep coming back reading and posting.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
nice to meet you, irish eyes. i have a 23 year old daughter who is struggling in recovery from cocaine and alcohol addction. there are no children involved. alanon meetings and private counseling really help me cope.
you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it.
blessings, k
you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it.
blessings, k
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ft Lauderdale, Fl
Posts: 6
Thank you for the kind words. I will protect the kids. I have thought about counseling for me, but it really seems selfish on my part. I have to come to understand or accept that I cannot fix this. (thats hard)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome Irisheyes, My daughter is 21 and my addict. No kids involved. You are absolutely not selfish to go for counselling. I saw a counselor that specialized in co-dependency last winter and it really helped me a lot. I was able to let go of a lot of guilt and let go of my daughter and give the responsibility for her addiction back to her. This forum is also a Godsend as you will find a lot of helpful experience and wisdom from these fine folks. Hugs, Marle
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Welcome Irish Eyes
I read your post and am wondering about a couple of things. First is the bf an addict too? Second do the bf, daughter and children all live with you?
You certainly are not alone in your plight. There are many, many, people affected by addiction. Unfortunately, as you are learning, there isn't one thing we can do to help our addicted love ones except pray they will one day see the light. We can suggest rehabs, but chances are until they're ready our suggestions will fall on deaf ears.
What is really horrible is the fact that your daughter is there and you are witnessing her addiction day in and day out. It is so much better when they are living away so you don't see it. Not that it hurts any less, but at least you can live your life.
It is better if you don't allow her to stay with you, as you are just postponing the inevitable by giving her a soft spot to land.
My concern is the children. It would be great if they could stay on with you, as they need your protection and a normal environment, but the mom should leave so they do not have to be a part of this. This is a predicament because maybe your daughter would insist on taking them with her, which is a really bad idea. However, if push came to shove, my guess would be you would have to go for legal custody, which is a whole new bag of snakes.
You really have to take care of yourself first because in the end your the only one that you can help. Sadly, the daughter must go on her journey alone, and only she can make the decision to quit.
In the meantime, I pray you stay strong for the children. They need you.
Hugs, Devastated
You certainly are not alone in your plight. There are many, many, people affected by addiction. Unfortunately, as you are learning, there isn't one thing we can do to help our addicted love ones except pray they will one day see the light. We can suggest rehabs, but chances are until they're ready our suggestions will fall on deaf ears.
What is really horrible is the fact that your daughter is there and you are witnessing her addiction day in and day out. It is so much better when they are living away so you don't see it. Not that it hurts any less, but at least you can live your life.
It is better if you don't allow her to stay with you, as you are just postponing the inevitable by giving her a soft spot to land.
My concern is the children. It would be great if they could stay on with you, as they need your protection and a normal environment, but the mom should leave so they do not have to be a part of this. This is a predicament because maybe your daughter would insist on taking them with her, which is a really bad idea. However, if push came to shove, my guess would be you would have to go for legal custody, which is a whole new bag of snakes.
You really have to take care of yourself first because in the end your the only one that you can help. Sadly, the daughter must go on her journey alone, and only she can make the decision to quit.
In the meantime, I pray you stay strong for the children. They need you.
Hugs, Devastated
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Thank you for the kind words. I will protect the kids. I have thought about counseling for me, but it really seems selfish on my part. I have to come to understand or accept that I cannot fix this. (thats hard)
((hugs))
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
Hello Irish eyes,
I don't know exactly how to say this, except to just be blunt and the last thing I want to do is cause you additional pain......this is definitely all about you....self care is not selfish....your daughter, like my addicted son, is selfish to place all of this under your roof, she is an adult, and should do for herself.....why would she want to make any changes as long as she and BF are allowed to live with you, have you care for her children and let her sleep all day......she says she can take care of this herself, let her, but not with you carrying all of her responsibilities.....
Get all the information and knowledge you can about addiction and addicts....so that you can come to the understanding of what you are facing....and know that the only person you can control is you and the kindest thing you can do for your daughter is to set boundaries that you can live with and stick to them......
I understand how hard it is, it goes our instincts as a mother, but addiction is a different ballgame and until she is ready, nothing will change....nothing you do will make her change, nothing you say will make her change, all of your love will not make her change......so all you can do is make changes in yourself to not allow her addiction to control you also.....
Alanon or Naranon are wonderful suggestions....please, give one of them a try......I am so sorry you are in this place in your life, but the great people here will help lead you in the right direction.....
Peace
I don't know exactly how to say this, except to just be blunt and the last thing I want to do is cause you additional pain......this is definitely all about you....self care is not selfish....your daughter, like my addicted son, is selfish to place all of this under your roof, she is an adult, and should do for herself.....why would she want to make any changes as long as she and BF are allowed to live with you, have you care for her children and let her sleep all day......she says she can take care of this herself, let her, but not with you carrying all of her responsibilities.....
Get all the information and knowledge you can about addiction and addicts....so that you can come to the understanding of what you are facing....and know that the only person you can control is you and the kindest thing you can do for your daughter is to set boundaries that you can live with and stick to them......
I understand how hard it is, it goes our instincts as a mother, but addiction is a different ballgame and until she is ready, nothing will change....nothing you do will make her change, nothing you say will make her change, all of your love will not make her change......so all you can do is make changes in yourself to not allow her addiction to control you also.....
Alanon or Naranon are wonderful suggestions....please, give one of them a try......I am so sorry you are in this place in your life, but the great people here will help lead you in the right direction.....
Peace
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
There are a lot of other parents here, I am one of them. Sorry to hear about your pain + frustration. A support group, Alanon, has helped me tremendously in the last few yrs. I go to a mtg. that is specific to parents. I could never live with my son while he is an addict and he has not asked either. By staying away I guess he is sparing me because when they're near it is awful to witness. You understand that you can't control it so good for you. Boundaries must be something you struggle with on a daily basis because an addict often has a hard time with those.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 285
Welcome. My addict is my 22 year old son. Lots of good advice here. My son was in rehab and is now living at home. He's been clean for about 2 months and I hope this time he stays that way. I know it's hard, but you have to take care of yourself. Good luck and keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 90
Irish Eyes,
I join the other members of this forum to welcome you. The addict in my life is my 29 year old son. He had a good life and lost everything. He stole from his own family members to pay off pushers and to buy drugs. He is a good person who has a bad habit. He went through a good treatment program. I am not sure whether his first treatment took.
My son is not married and does not have children; he is living in a house he owned until he declared bankruptcy. Your trials are different than mine, but we share in the fact that we are mothers of addicts. We love our children and hate their addiction.
Members of this forum are wise and, sad to say, experienced in dealing with addict behaviors. Read and share your worries with us. For my own recovery, I have attended meetings, gone to counseling, started exercise classes, and read a great deal of inspirational material. I don't post so much, but I read many threads. When I need help, this group responds with genuine candor.
My prayers and hugs to you, your daughter and your grandchildren.
I join the other members of this forum to welcome you. The addict in my life is my 29 year old son. He had a good life and lost everything. He stole from his own family members to pay off pushers and to buy drugs. He is a good person who has a bad habit. He went through a good treatment program. I am not sure whether his first treatment took.
My son is not married and does not have children; he is living in a house he owned until he declared bankruptcy. Your trials are different than mine, but we share in the fact that we are mothers of addicts. We love our children and hate their addiction.
Members of this forum are wise and, sad to say, experienced in dealing with addict behaviors. Read and share your worries with us. For my own recovery, I have attended meetings, gone to counseling, started exercise classes, and read a great deal of inspirational material. I don't post so much, but I read many threads. When I need help, this group responds with genuine candor.
My prayers and hugs to you, your daughter and your grandchildren.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Hello and welcome to SR!!! There are a lot of us here. My addict is my 30 year old daughter. I am currently raising her 12 year old son. The past year has been a descent into the depths of hell for us, but we are slowly rising out of it!!
She is now on methadone, and starting to live like a normal person. She was an RN, and lost her son, her job, her apt, her car...the list is long. She was missing for 7 mos. and homeless for about the same amt of time.
But there is hope. Read lots...the sticky's at the top of the forums are helpful. We all came here to fix our loved ones, but find we can only fix ourselves. And how impossible is that for a mother!!!! We would give a kidney to our children to help them.
Welcome again....more will be along shortly to welcome you
NSW
She is now on methadone, and starting to live like a normal person. She was an RN, and lost her son, her job, her apt, her car...the list is long. She was missing for 7 mos. and homeless for about the same amt of time.
But there is hope. Read lots...the sticky's at the top of the forums are helpful. We all came here to fix our loved ones, but find we can only fix ourselves. And how impossible is that for a mother!!!! We would give a kidney to our children to help them.
Welcome again....more will be along shortly to welcome you
NSW
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Irish, I'm another mom here who knows your pain.
Stick around, find yourself some meetings if you can, and know that it can get better for you and life can be worth living once more.
Hugs, from my heart to yours.
Stick around, find yourself some meetings if you can, and know that it can get better for you and life can be worth living once more.
Hugs, from my heart to yours.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
hi irish eyes and welcome,
the wisdom you'll find in here will help you greatly, You need to keep yourself healthy and sane, of course let your daughter know you care but it's true, in the end she's the only one that can make the changes, if you think about what in the world can you do , force her to go to rehab, believe that wouldn't work anyway (tried that) you can try to tell her "what about the children" guess what, that won't work either, guilt is not a emotion she can feel right now, so what else can you do, (I know you just said to yourself "well I don't know") the answer is nothing theres nothing you can do. Be there for her when she does decide to get clean perhaps but thats it. Sorry if I sound cold I certainly don't want to cause you any more pain that you feel already but for me I needed to hear the absolute and thats what started my healing. my 22 yr old son is my addict. So I'll be think of you and praying for you and your family.
good luck and be strong
the wisdom you'll find in here will help you greatly, You need to keep yourself healthy and sane, of course let your daughter know you care but it's true, in the end she's the only one that can make the changes, if you think about what in the world can you do , force her to go to rehab, believe that wouldn't work anyway (tried that) you can try to tell her "what about the children" guess what, that won't work either, guilt is not a emotion she can feel right now, so what else can you do, (I know you just said to yourself "well I don't know") the answer is nothing theres nothing you can do. Be there for her when she does decide to get clean perhaps but thats it. Sorry if I sound cold I certainly don't want to cause you any more pain that you feel already but for me I needed to hear the absolute and thats what started my healing. my 22 yr old son is my addict. So I'll be think of you and praying for you and your family.
good luck and be strong
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Welcome, Irish........Another mom her of a 26 yr. old daughter. Been through hell. At the present time she is clean, but I know all of the dysfunction and drama. I also have learned that I have done many wrong things to try to save her from her self. Eventually I was defeated because I couldn't save her or do anything for her to make her well. I am presently working to make myself well. I love her with every fiber of my being.......but I am learning to love and care for myself. Do whatever you have to do to take care of you and the little children involved. I wish you the best. Stay with us for support.
Blessings to you and your family.............Lo
Blessings to you and your family.............Lo
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