what i am afraid of
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
what i am afraid of
i was discussing today with my therapist what it is that i am really afraid of and to tell you the truth, it is that i am afraid of first of all what all this is going to do to my kids, and than what is going to happen to me, to us, if he looses his job and/or goes to jail and i have to support my kids on my own..something that at the present time, i cannot do.
so we looked at worse case scenerios...i am always projecting and I know from my naranon group, that i shouldnt be doing that.....but it really frightens me because my dad left us and didnt give my mom any child support or alimony.. i dont want my kids to have the life i had.
i was looking at on-line master degrees where you can get a student loan..it sounded pretty good--i would like to be a teacher some day.
Also, i guess that what really bothers me is the dream that has died..the dream of my life that could of been, that should have been...so it is a grieveing process.. i dont have much hope that my ah at this time will see the light..he hasnt yet...he could have been going to counseling or getting evaluated or started anger management..he said he was going to do these things and then because i didnt stop the RO, he didnt start anything either.....so what does that tell me?? he is just not ready to change....especially not for himself.....let alone for his children...he just is not willing to take the responsibility for his own actions....simply unwilling to see the truth at this time..
so we looked at worse case scenerios...i am always projecting and I know from my naranon group, that i shouldnt be doing that.....but it really frightens me because my dad left us and didnt give my mom any child support or alimony.. i dont want my kids to have the life i had.
i was looking at on-line master degrees where you can get a student loan..it sounded pretty good--i would like to be a teacher some day.
Also, i guess that what really bothers me is the dream that has died..the dream of my life that could of been, that should have been...so it is a grieveing process.. i dont have much hope that my ah at this time will see the light..he hasnt yet...he could have been going to counseling or getting evaluated or started anger management..he said he was going to do these things and then because i didnt stop the RO, he didnt start anything either.....so what does that tell me?? he is just not ready to change....especially not for himself.....let alone for his children...he just is not willing to take the responsibility for his own actions....simply unwilling to see the truth at this time..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
NO matter what you will survive. Your kids will always have a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and clothes on their backs. The basics is all a human needs to survive.
Material possessions dont' mean jack if you haven't got your sanity and peace of mind.
Believe me, you and your kids will be OK.
Dreams are that....just dreams. When you grasp dreams instead of reality sometimes you get a rude awakening. I think all of us have gone through that at one time or another with our addicts.
((HUGS))) Hang on gal, things will be just fine in the end.
Material possessions dont' mean jack if you haven't got your sanity and peace of mind.
Believe me, you and your kids will be OK.
Dreams are that....just dreams. When you grasp dreams instead of reality sometimes you get a rude awakening. I think all of us have gone through that at one time or another with our addicts.
((HUGS))) Hang on gal, things will be just fine in the end.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Midwest
Posts: 66
Drained ~I used to think the same as you. I know how you're feeling and it's completely normal. As tropikgal says, "Believe me, you and your kids will be OK". She really truly means that! I know it's hard to understand and you feel as though you'll never make it.
I used to carry around a piece of paper listing my expenses (when I had two in diapers) and telling myself there was no way I could make it if I left my now exah. I even factored in the child support I should have been receiving and figured there was absolutely NO WAY I'd survive. So............I stayed, and stayed, and stayed. Nothing changed (nothing changes, if nothing changes) so after living with my addict husband for 5 years....I divorced him.
Once the decision was made, I felt a huge load lift from my shoulders. I took on a part time job (in addition to my FT and other PT job) to save $$ to retain an attorney. I worked those horrible crazy hours for almost two years.
I now have quit one job and have been divorced for one year. I am making it financially better than when I was married. I do currently get child support so I know that makes a world of difference.
My boys are now 6 & 7 and they seem to be adjusting fine. It's a very scary situation to be in but I "know" you'll make it!!! You will have your life back and it will take some time. There's some days I feel overwhelmed as I don't let my ex take the boys so I do always have them.
Remember, take advantage of the people willing to help. There's nothing wrong with it and you deserve it.
My boys and I just got back from a week's vacation in Arizona and we had a wonderful time!!! Never in a million years could we have gone on a vacation like that living with an addict. I figured we deserved it after all we'd been through!! LOL
Please know we are all here for you and you will be fine! Your kids will be fine!!! You deserve a happy life!
Jen
I used to carry around a piece of paper listing my expenses (when I had two in diapers) and telling myself there was no way I could make it if I left my now exah. I even factored in the child support I should have been receiving and figured there was absolutely NO WAY I'd survive. So............I stayed, and stayed, and stayed. Nothing changed (nothing changes, if nothing changes) so after living with my addict husband for 5 years....I divorced him.
Once the decision was made, I felt a huge load lift from my shoulders. I took on a part time job (in addition to my FT and other PT job) to save $$ to retain an attorney. I worked those horrible crazy hours for almost two years.
I now have quit one job and have been divorced for one year. I am making it financially better than when I was married. I do currently get child support so I know that makes a world of difference.
My boys are now 6 & 7 and they seem to be adjusting fine. It's a very scary situation to be in but I "know" you'll make it!!! You will have your life back and it will take some time. There's some days I feel overwhelmed as I don't let my ex take the boys so I do always have them.
Remember, take advantage of the people willing to help. There's nothing wrong with it and you deserve it.
My boys and I just got back from a week's vacation in Arizona and we had a wonderful time!!! Never in a million years could we have gone on a vacation like that living with an addict. I figured we deserved it after all we'd been through!! LOL
Please know we are all here for you and you will be fine! Your kids will be fine!!! You deserve a happy life!
Jen
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: my hearts in NY i'm in FL
Posts: 112
the dream isn't over it has just changed. you and your children will have a great life, and your children will learn from your good example.
i think it is great for you to go back to school to be a teacher. I'm doing the same thing. i'm going to be a special ed teacher. best luck
i think it is great for you to go back to school to be a teacher. I'm doing the same thing. i'm going to be a special ed teacher. best luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
DW,
The unknown is always scary and really a good reason why they tell us to live in today. As sure as I am sitting here I can tell you that I never knew I had it in me to carry on and do what I had to, to keep a roof over our heads and food in bellies. Where there is a will there is a way, always choices placed before us.
This time last year or even 4 months ago I had no plans of changing my job, but an opportunity came alone that made me take a chance...I went from cashiering into payroll, better pay and hours.
It has been a struggle and I would be lying if I said it wasn't, but so would my life have been had I continued in a marriage where the drugs ruled. I am having a real tough time with my boys right now, but I believe if we were still living like we were with their dad using, if I thought things were out of control now, I could not imagine how bad it would be.
My dreams died too, it was very hard to let them go...I guess looking back at it is why I held on. This may not be the case for you but so much happened with his drug use had he cleaned up the dream was gone.
But you know DW...I have knew dreams now and so different from my old dreams and these knew dreams keep me going!
Rose
The unknown is always scary and really a good reason why they tell us to live in today. As sure as I am sitting here I can tell you that I never knew I had it in me to carry on and do what I had to, to keep a roof over our heads and food in bellies. Where there is a will there is a way, always choices placed before us.
This time last year or even 4 months ago I had no plans of changing my job, but an opportunity came alone that made me take a chance...I went from cashiering into payroll, better pay and hours.
It has been a struggle and I would be lying if I said it wasn't, but so would my life have been had I continued in a marriage where the drugs ruled. I am having a real tough time with my boys right now, but I believe if we were still living like we were with their dad using, if I thought things were out of control now, I could not imagine how bad it would be.
My dreams died too, it was very hard to let them go...I guess looking back at it is why I held on. This may not be the case for you but so much happened with his drug use had he cleaned up the dream was gone.
But you know DW...I have knew dreams now and so different from my old dreams and these knew dreams keep me going!
Rose
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
I saw this ( the quote below) on SR somewhere in someones post and it hit home for me........I copied it down on a sticky note and stuck it on my mirror in my room. Now when I feel down, or sad and I think that somehow I am losing the life I wanted the life I planned...........I remind myself that .....that life has been gone for awhile and that its time for me to let it go...............the life thats waiting for me doesnt have to be a life without him , my AH but maybe its a better life than we've had with the drugs and even the addictive behaviors before the drugs, or maybe its a completely new and improved life.......but I can't find that out until I'm willing to let go of this life that we've been living..........so I keep trying to let go......little by little.........
Hang in there!!
We must be able to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life thats waiting for us.
E.M. Forster
Ps ..to whoever had this quote on their post .....thank you so much!!!
Hang in there!!
We must be able to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life thats waiting for us.
E.M. Forster
Ps ..to whoever had this quote on their post .....thank you so much!!!
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I have lost everything... TWICE.. and I have reinvented myself more than once.
Two years ago I was working at a dead end job, barely able to make my expenses, working 3 outside jobs and a full time job... and wondering if I would ever get a BREAK. This was 6 years after being a farmer and pulling in $250k a year gross... having all that land and animals and own business.. every thing.
Well, I was about to the end of my provervbial rope, but I just kept on "truckin'" and I got a job offer (I had been taking tests for State jobs and applying elsewhere.. looking all the time) that was way better. Was told it was dead end too.. and then I was promoted in less than a year.
I have done so many different things.. Farmer, Civil Engineer, Surveyor, CAD drafting, house painter, landscaper, horse trainer... and each time "this was IT." And some other opportunity would come along and I would take it.
I am a real Estate Appraiser now.. which is a far cry from milking cows and designing bridges.. but I CAN DO ANYTHING AND SO CAN YOU.
I have been so terrified thru some of these changes but I marched forward like I had courage. You can too. You are smart. You are educated. You are not stuck in concrete and boy I bet you would be surprised at how many ppl are just as terrified as you are. I know I was!
Two years ago I was working at a dead end job, barely able to make my expenses, working 3 outside jobs and a full time job... and wondering if I would ever get a BREAK. This was 6 years after being a farmer and pulling in $250k a year gross... having all that land and animals and own business.. every thing.
Well, I was about to the end of my provervbial rope, but I just kept on "truckin'" and I got a job offer (I had been taking tests for State jobs and applying elsewhere.. looking all the time) that was way better. Was told it was dead end too.. and then I was promoted in less than a year.
I have done so many different things.. Farmer, Civil Engineer, Surveyor, CAD drafting, house painter, landscaper, horse trainer... and each time "this was IT." And some other opportunity would come along and I would take it.
I am a real Estate Appraiser now.. which is a far cry from milking cows and designing bridges.. but I CAN DO ANYTHING AND SO CAN YOU.
I have been so terrified thru some of these changes but I marched forward like I had courage. You can too. You are smart. You are educated. You are not stuck in concrete and boy I bet you would be surprised at how many ppl are just as terrified as you are. I know I was!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Elana 
I have lost everything... TWICE.. and I have reinvented myself more than once.
Two years ago I was working at a dead end job, barely able to make my expenses, working 3 outside jobs and a full time job... and wondering if I would ever get a BREAK. This was 6 years after being a farmer and pulling in $250k a year gross... having all that land and animals and own business.. every thing.
Well, I was about to the end of my provervbial rope, but I just kept on "truckin'" and I got a job offer (I had been taking tests for State jobs and applying elsewhere.. looking all the time) that was way better. Was told it was dead end too.. and then I was promoted in less than a year.
I have done so many different things.. Farmer, Civil Engineer, Surveyor, CAD drafting, house painter, landscaper, horse trainer... and each time "this was IT." And some other opportunity would come along and I would take it.
I am a real Estate Appraiser now.. which is a far cry from milking cows and designing bridges.. but I CAN DO ANYTHING AND SO CAN YOU.
I have been so terrified thru some of these changes but I marched forward like I had courage. You can too. You are smart. You are educated. You are not stuck in concrete and boy I bet you would be surprised at how many ppl are just as terrified as you are. I know I was!
Two years ago I was working at a dead end job, barely able to make my expenses, working 3 outside jobs and a full time job... and wondering if I would ever get a BREAK. This was 6 years after being a farmer and pulling in $250k a year gross... having all that land and animals and own business.. every thing.
Well, I was about to the end of my provervbial rope, but I just kept on "truckin'" and I got a job offer (I had been taking tests for State jobs and applying elsewhere.. looking all the time) that was way better. Was told it was dead end too.. and then I was promoted in less than a year.
I have done so many different things.. Farmer, Civil Engineer, Surveyor, CAD drafting, house painter, landscaper, horse trainer... and each time "this was IT." And some other opportunity would come along and I would take it.
I am a real Estate Appraiser now.. which is a far cry from milking cows and designing bridges.. but I CAN DO ANYTHING AND SO CAN YOU.
I have been so terrified thru some of these changes but I marched forward like I had courage. You can too. You are smart. You are educated. You are not stuck in concrete and boy I bet you would be surprised at how many ppl are just as terrified as you are. I know I was!
There is no fairy-godmother, just us, but what great "US's" we are!!!
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I've been forced to re-invent myself also. If you're like me I was terrified of the unknown...things I couldn't see, plan, or prepare.
I've also gone through the "what about the kids?" despair when my first husband left me.
You know what?
I survived! And so did they. In fact, they have respect for me for where I was and where I am now.
DW, you are a college educated gal, which will open doors. Look around and don't be afraid to take a chance. Many many (including me) are working in fields that have little to do with the degree earned.
And never write off the future. It can turn out just as it was planned, even if the plan wasn't yours
((((Hugs))))
Cece
I've also gone through the "what about the kids?" despair when my first husband left me.
You know what?
I survived! And so did they. In fact, they have respect for me for where I was and where I am now.
DW, you are a college educated gal, which will open doors. Look around and don't be afraid to take a chance. Many many (including me) are working in fields that have little to do with the degree earned.
And never write off the future. It can turn out just as it was planned, even if the plan wasn't yours
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
You can be afraid, but you can also keep breathing. And if you do that, you will survive.
There are days when I am so terrified I want to ring up my AH and have him come home immediately to support me. I don't do it. I go to my low wage job and I tuck my son in at night and I too take classes for my Masters in Education and I hold onto the fact that one day it will be better. If I just keep breathing.
FYI, if you choose to go into ed, Math, Science, Special Ed and Speech Pathology are where the jobs are right now. What am I? Social Studies and English, where NO jobs are available....
There are days when I am so terrified I want to ring up my AH and have him come home immediately to support me. I don't do it. I go to my low wage job and I tuck my son in at night and I too take classes for my Masters in Education and I hold onto the fact that one day it will be better. If I just keep breathing.
FYI, if you choose to go into ed, Math, Science, Special Ed and Speech Pathology are where the jobs are right now. What am I? Social Studies and English, where NO jobs are available....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: saint george Utah
Posts: 14
I feel you! I was right where you are 3 years ago, and I stayed, and I stayed... 3 months ago, I finally let go. I kicked AH out and started to move on. I am okay. I am struggling, but I am okay.
I work a ft job and I am going to look into other places to live. My rent here wher I am at now is just way to high. I am in a lease until the end of March 2008, and I do love it here. It is a big home with a huge back yard, but I need something with less rent, so I am compromising.
I have even started to look into move back (600 miles back) to family and friends. My AH talked me into moving here 3 years ago, so that I could save him from running into his meth friends...
It has been a struggle here anyways. I felt as if I was doing it all by myself already. I was enabling him to have his cake and eat it too.
I am happier now, struggling and all then I have been in a very long long time.
I was very afriad but quess what, as the days go by I have come to the relization that I am okay, and my kids, their even better then okay, they are great. They don't have to walk around on egg shells anymore. They can be kids!
prayers and hugs...
Jen
I work a ft job and I am going to look into other places to live. My rent here wher I am at now is just way to high. I am in a lease until the end of March 2008, and I do love it here. It is a big home with a huge back yard, but I need something with less rent, so I am compromising.
I have even started to look into move back (600 miles back) to family and friends. My AH talked me into moving here 3 years ago, so that I could save him from running into his meth friends...
It has been a struggle here anyways. I felt as if I was doing it all by myself already. I was enabling him to have his cake and eat it too.
I am happier now, struggling and all then I have been in a very long long time.
I was very afriad but quess what, as the days go by I have come to the relization that I am okay, and my kids, their even better then okay, they are great. They don't have to walk around on egg shells anymore. They can be kids!
prayers and hugs...
Jen
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