cinderellawkids

As we continue to grow and recover more inner pain comes out.

Through all Ive tried and gone back and forth with it, and had many feelings revolving around my mom. Ive constantly denied her and my dad's alcohol use as being a problem. Ive gone back and forth in my feelings and admitting how it efected me everyone of us.

My sister, 14 years my younger now 18 is suddenly lashing out. She's moving in with her boyfriend this week. Out of the blue she started acting angrily against my parents. (who've really done quite well over the past couple years, but not before) Finally it blurted out "she would NEVER allows Jim Beam or Jack Daniels in her home, or anyone who partook of it" She has a lot of anger of everything that happened through the years, remembered in detail everyone of my parents fights, remebered being spanked(in an uncontrollable manner) during alcohol induced fits and remembers when I was in my early 20s and swore the same thing. Talked about her and her best friend and how they would call me at 1 am to drive them back home from the others house because they refused to ride with my parents. (Even I had forgotten that.)
She pointed to her friend's (only 15) myspace page which also talks about being hit by an alcoholic dad (my parents closest friends) at a young age, the hatred, anger, search for acceptance and unresolved feelings even now that her Dad also does not drink.

Hearing my sister and (adopted little sister's pain) brings so many memories of things Ive buried. and pain since I kept regoing through cause it felt normal, all the more reason for me to draw even closer to my alanon group. I now realize I too am also an adult child of an alcoholic and many of my codependant ways are behavior I learned as a child, now wonder why my sister who grew up in almost a different world that me financially and with out my paternal disfunctional family, is soo identical to me in so many ways.

Thinking it through I also realized, and its so scary, almost every fight AH and I had, which yes I admit I played a part in, were very duplicative of my mom and step dad's right down to the same mannerisms.

Just for today, Im gonna continue to focus on me and change the things about me adn my character defects I can change, because thats really the only thing I have power over

marle

My dad was an alcoholic and my mom totally codependent. I was the middle child and the placator, so I understand. We repeat the patterns that we were raised with until we want something better. Hugs, Marle

cinderellawkids

I think mine were both codependant alcoholics. Funny watching my AH with his AB I see where he's come the functioning codependant one while his AB, spiraled down. It was weird to watch from the outsied AH enable AB, and turn on him and complain all the same, he so wanted him gone and helped him get into detox and rehab and now, he AH is sad and looks lost (like many codie spouses) Its so weird sitting back and watching it knowing I cant get involved or say nothing, cause they are two in the same. (years ago AHs brother was the one who helped me be stronger enough to call police on AH to have him picked up, they just cycle back and forth)

cmc

Cinderelly,
Something I've re-realized this past week is how there's just so much that I can deal with at one time and that my recovery comes in phases.
It would be too overwhelming to feel and become aware of many things all at once and for me it's taken years for some things to surface.
Last week at a meeting I went home and found myself reliving some pain from the past. I relived it 'with' my recovery. It wasn't like a repeat of what actually happened, but I took my recovery with me as the feelings appeared. Sometimes it's like a 'lightbulb' moment of awareness.
I see it as growth- to go back a bit and handle things in my heart and mind in the light of recovery. It stings a bit but it's healing.
You sound so good and it's wonderful to see how recovery works. It helps me to see another get past the past and move on to a better life. Thanks for sharing!

patchoulli

I also remember my sisters and brother getting beaten with a strap at 4 and 5. My father never hit me for some reason, I look just like him. I also remember my mother just staring into space and ignoring it. When my father left her[4 kids, I was the oldest and I was 7], for another woman, my mother had us all in a car and spent an hour overlooking a cliff. I asked her about it a few years ago because I can still see the blank expression on her face 40 years later. She admitted that she thought for a short hour that she would be better off dead than be without my father, and we would be better off with her than with him....They were divorced for over 35 years, I forgave him a few years before he died, not for him, for myself. The best thing I could ever have done. He drank til the nite he died. I dont blame my mom anymore for the abuse and horror in that house. Once he left, although we were poor, we were at peace and lived a nice close existance[5 people in a basement studio]...we were happy, the abuse was over...My mom is very codie and still gets very angry with me when I say the words"I have faith"...she thinks manipulating and controlling are the ways to go. I think she is starting to understand. I love my mom, she does the best she can...Marian

greeteachday

Cind, I am glad you are working on breaking the cycle...it doesn't have to continue.....I'm sorry for the pain you and your siblings expereinced, but so happy you are finding a better way for you and your kids. Hugs.

liesagain

cindi..........thank you for sharing!!! keep up your good work on you............((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Ann

The growth and recovery you are showing is very inspiring and a good reminder that when we can't change our circumstances we can change our attitude.

Working through the pain is hard sometimes, but it always takes us to a place where we can finally leave the pain behind and move forward again. We cannot change a moment of our past, but we can take the lessons we learned along the way and use them to guide us to a better way of living.

You shine, girl, keep walking forward and know that we're all walking with you.

Hugs