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It's 1 am, do you know where your mother is?

Old 06-24-2007, 10:44 PM
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It's 1 am, do you know where your mother is?

Well it's official. I am a fully certified empty nester. Vicky turned 18 yesterday.

Tonight I sit here and don't know where they are, what they are doing. If they got home safe. Giving over control of their lives to them, that's pretty scary for me.

Their father called me. Pretty much told me to tell all three of them goodbye and he hoped they have a good life. His obligations are over.

Jerry doesn't understand how I'm feeling either. He thinks I should be jumping for joy, I'm not married with children any more, I'm free to do what ever I want without putting my responsibilities first. I could care less about being free, I miss my kids. I miss one going out while another came in while the third one was having to be rolled out of bed to make sure he wasn't late for work. I miss the bussle and activity.

I miss the arguments and the laughter. I miss the teasing. I miss knowing where they are and what they are doing and with whom.

I know, I'm growing up too. I should call them at 2 AM and leave messages on their cell phones. It's 2 AM, do you know where your mother is? LOL

I realize tonight that I'm the biggest control freak on this planet. I have been for the last 23 years. It's time to let go and detach with all my love.

See, the 12 steps are a way of life. They have multiple applications.

B
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Old 06-25-2007, 12:02 AM
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I wish you could talk to my mom. She really needs a friend who understands her position at the moment... if only someone could convince her to let them teach her how to let go like that, we could be a family again. Not a complete family, as my sister may or may not be gone for good, but at least my parents and I could begin to heal. This cycle she has taken me through seems to have no end. I am to the point where I find myself feeling a need to either let go of all of them for now or give in and drown with them. I don't want to do either. But as long as she's in denial and readily and hastily rescuing my sister from her consequences, the friction will continue to build. Either I will keep my frustrations bottled up and snap, or I will tell them how I feel and be ostricized for not playing in to their need for misery.

I know I sound harsh, but I'm so tired of being the only one if this family who is not enabling her habits. Even while she's in rehab, my parents are helping her to break rules, such as rules about how much money she has at a time (supposedly for vending machines since she doesn't like the center's food). This makes me nervous, because they say they're ready to be more firm, but they're still bailing her out, just like they did when she was in jail... just like they did when she stole and pawned their belongings... just like they did when she altered checks that were made out to her therapist so she could cash them herself. Oh, and also, just like they did when she got high at my bachelorette party and showed up at my wedding (as my maid of honor) with freshly made track marks.

People on here have told me to cut them some slack, and I try. Please believe I try. But it's so gosh darn hard. I just want to be a family again, and tonight I feel like I'm grieving the loss of three of the four most important people in my life.
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Old 06-25-2007, 02:29 AM
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Praying your "path to no where" becomes a path to the place you have always wanted to be.. with joy, love and happiness.
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Old 06-25-2007, 02:58 AM
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Just keep being the best mom you know how to be and let the rest go. Age has nothing to do with it, nor does the illusion of control. It's all about love and letting our babies make their own choices, no matter how bad the choices may be. That's how we learned and it's how they too will find their own way.

You'll be fine, life is ever changing and each change may bring a loss of the past but it also brings promise of wonderful days that are ahead.

Mom to Mom Hugs
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Old 06-25-2007, 04:55 AM
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((Elana))

My path to no where is my symbol of not knowing where life will lead me in particular, I'm just along for the ride where ever it takes me. Thank You.

((Ann))

I hate change so much, that I stayed in that horrible abusive relationship for years. I was more willing to go through hell and live a life of misery, than to face change and the uncertainty of what lay ahead. Giving up that illusion of control is petrifying.
You always know the right words to say that helps ease a mom's heart.

((Lady))

My prayers for you and your family. I guess it's just as hard to let our parents make their own mistakes as it is to let our kids. Your parents will see their path when they hit their own bottom. When they have had enough, then and only then, will they do something different. In the mean time, you have started your own recovery. You've reached your end and you are doing something about it. Your example of recovery, may help them move in that direction. Your mom has the best friend in the whole world right there....You.

Hugs and Prayers
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Old 06-25-2007, 05:52 AM
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Oh Frankly, do I know those feelings.

One of my biggest challenges was to figure out the difference between "normal" empty nesting feelings... and the weird crap brought on by addiction, because for my kids everything hit at the same time.

Today, I know that some of the big stuff I was dealing with WAS the letting go of my kids and allowing them to walk whatever path is before them. Allowing MY dreams and hopes for their future to die... after nuturing those dreams for over 20 years.


My youngest has been out for 3 years, now. It has gotten better. But I did sleep with the phone off the hook for a long time in order to get a good night's sleep.


(((Hugs)))
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Old 06-25-2007, 06:07 AM
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Ann says it so well. We not only have to physically let go of our grown kids, but let go of the "person' we thought we were molding them to be. Let go of the need to teach them one more lesson. Our job is done. Now they must learn lessons from their friends, life, employers, the criminal justice system, etc. We spent yrs. with the identity of MOM and invested in putting our kids 1st. It can take a few yrs. to rebuild our lives and get comfortable in the next phase. Especially when our kids are addicts and that pain, alienation, frustration forces us to detach even more. Even the dream of having our adult child in our life has to be let go of in my case. But the sense of loss diminishes as we learn to redirect our energy.
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Old 06-25-2007, 03:22 PM
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((Big Sis))

You know, when I first came here, I was in such an emotional state. The world had crashed down on my head. I knew change was comming and I resisted it. Through all of that, I knew this day was comming too. I was so afraid of being alone, I projected my grief of when the kids would be gone too.

I really didn't see a reason to keep going. The night that things were so bad for me, I made a pact with myself. I didn't want to go on with life, but I decided that I would stick it out until they were all adults, no matter what. If I was still as miserable then I would address going on or not. Well, that day is here, and I want to live. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to feel my emotions. My purpose in life is not over. You guys held a light for me, talked to me, comforted me. It held me togeather long enough to make my pact with myself. I look back today, and as painful as it all was, I'm so very glad I didn't sucumb to it. Thank You.

((SS))

I am looking forward to the next phase. Redirect my energy, I think I'll give it a shot.

Hugs
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Old 06-25-2007, 08:39 PM
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See, the 12 steps are a way of life. They have multiple applications.
So little of the 12 step application I use daily has to do with addiction anymore...But I can't imagine not having the program and still moving forward in a serene and content manner.

I understand your feelings...I too miss having kids in the house. But I also enjoy the new things I have been discovering and the hobbies and past times I put aside to raise my girls that i can now redevote energy to. Hugs
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:19 PM
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Frankly..............as with the other life experiences here.........your not alone
My daughter will be leaving in less than 6 weeks for college a couple of hours away...the though is almost umbearable..It leaves me feeling sick and anxious.
How will I sleep not knowing if shes okay?

I am very controlling and have been most of her life, yet I realise now.....thru SR and other things that maybe I did her an injustice......when did I allow her to mess up? Why didnt I let her make mistakes when she was here and I could support and protect her............whay if she gets off and goes wild?
Shes a great girl and shes smart and I pray she will make good choices but gosh this really is hard............
so recently I started telling myself........she'll be fine
she'll be fine
she'll be fine

everyday............so hopefully it will sink in!!!
You and yours will be in my thoughts!
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Old 06-26-2007, 03:58 AM
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in time you will realize the wonderful space you have.freedom from all others responsiablity was great for me.it took time but then one would come back for awhile & it was not long before i was really for them to go.i never liked change either.we get comfortable in what we are doing but change is good.we are really blessed when our children can get out in the world & do for themselves.
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