goodbye or cold turkey?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 13
goodbye or cold turkey?
ok, so many of you have been helping me through these last two days with my "friend" who also is a "recovering (?) cocaine addict - i haven't made any official "lists" yet but i do feel more certain about some things now than i did before i found all of you:
i don't want to be a mistress anymore
i don't want to trust my life or more importantly, my kids (17,14,6) lives in his hands
i want to honestly try and salvage my marriage
i am going to keep myself busy in hopes of not obsessing about him 24/7
i do still have very strong emotional feelings to him - i'm so worried about what will happen to him although whatever does IS NOT MY FAULT.......right?
can i say goodbye to him (email/phone call) and explain my decision or do i just go cold turkey and disappear (this would obviously be very difficult for me)
Is there a "right" way to do this?
thanks (again) in advance for your help..
Lisa
i don't want to be a mistress anymore
i don't want to trust my life or more importantly, my kids (17,14,6) lives in his hands
i want to honestly try and salvage my marriage
i am going to keep myself busy in hopes of not obsessing about him 24/7
i do still have very strong emotional feelings to him - i'm so worried about what will happen to him although whatever does IS NOT MY FAULT.......right?
can i say goodbye to him (email/phone call) and explain my decision or do i just go cold turkey and disappear (this would obviously be very difficult for me)
Is there a "right" way to do this?
thanks (again) in advance for your help..
Lisa
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
((Lisa))
IMO......cold turkey is the best way. It's not the easiest way so can I make a suggestion?
Closure is something we all desire. I never got any with my exabf........you know.....all those unanswered questions. Anyways, why not write a letter. Write down everything you would say if you were given the chance. Leave nothing out. Then........burn it. Sometimes writing things out helps, but having to actually get face to face with that person will either bring on more un-necessary pain or leave us open to face more manipulation.
No one can tell you what to do. That decision will be yours and yours alone. No matter what you decide, make sure it's something you can live with and won't have any regrets afterwards. All said with love.
IMO......cold turkey is the best way. It's not the easiest way so can I make a suggestion?
Closure is something we all desire. I never got any with my exabf........you know.....all those unanswered questions. Anyways, why not write a letter. Write down everything you would say if you were given the chance. Leave nothing out. Then........burn it. Sometimes writing things out helps, but having to actually get face to face with that person will either bring on more un-necessary pain or leave us open to face more manipulation.
No one can tell you what to do. That decision will be yours and yours alone. No matter what you decide, make sure it's something you can live with and won't have any regrets afterwards. All said with love.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Loves got it right. I too wanted closure with XABF... and answers to "why." However, when I did find out (he was cheating and lying) it made me soooo angry. While the anger helped me get past him, in retrospect it may not have been the best because of my reaction.
Now here is a thought for you..
Maybe this guy who has told you to leave him alone has another Girl Friend beyond you!
If that is the case, would you REALLY want to know? Trust me, you don't want to know. A person who will cheat with you will cheat on you.
Addicts are not truthful people. I had a tough time getting past that and into that fact. They lie to EVERYONE. You are best walking away cold turkey and letting him figure his life out on his own.
If you really care for him, give him the dignity of being responsible for his own life, his own choices and his own consequences.
Worrying about him will not fix anything and it will most assuredly ruin your day.
Now here is a thought for you..
Maybe this guy who has told you to leave him alone has another Girl Friend beyond you!
If that is the case, would you REALLY want to know? Trust me, you don't want to know. A person who will cheat with you will cheat on you.
Addicts are not truthful people. I had a tough time getting past that and into that fact. They lie to EVERYONE. You are best walking away cold turkey and letting him figure his life out on his own.
If you really care for him, give him the dignity of being responsible for his own life, his own choices and his own consequences.
Worrying about him will not fix anything and it will most assuredly ruin your day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
While someone is actively using, nothing you say will really get inside. So write the letter and then burn it as has been suggested. If you give it to him your expectations are that he will understand. He probably won't and you will just be disappointed. Cold turkey works for a lot of other addictions, so it will work with the addiction to your addict. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Loves and Marle are right on the money. In active addiction NOTHING will really get inside. The only stuff that does fuels the addict....so not worth it. They won't remember it anyway.
Cold turkey is my vote. Been there and done that and I prefer the quick pain vs. the long slow agonizing pain. You have already grown alot in the short time that you have shared this....it's great that you are focusing on you. My energy changed from focusing on "him" to focusing on me....what was it in me that got me into this situation. I believe that water seeks it's own level so I clearly have had a lot to learn about me. That helped me to let go of the agonizing focus on him.
Hugs - Donna
Cold turkey is my vote. Been there and done that and I prefer the quick pain vs. the long slow agonizing pain. You have already grown alot in the short time that you have shared this....it's great that you are focusing on you. My energy changed from focusing on "him" to focusing on me....what was it in me that got me into this situation. I believe that water seeks it's own level so I clearly have had a lot to learn about me. That helped me to let go of the agonizing focus on him.
Hugs - Donna
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Peapods)))
No advice. I didn't even consider CT all those years ago. ... but instead went out looking and needing an explanation and got a lot of pain.
Years later, while struggling through a divorce, I had a dream that HE was letting ME go. When I woke up, I knew the obsession was going to be over. And it has been.
One way or another, I guess we get through these things. I pray you can find a way that has the least pain for the greatest number of people.
(((hugs)))
No advice. I didn't even consider CT all those years ago. ... but instead went out looking and needing an explanation and got a lot of pain.
Years later, while struggling through a divorce, I had a dream that HE was letting ME go. When I woke up, I knew the obsession was going to be over. And it has been.
One way or another, I guess we get through these things. I pray you can find a way that has the least pain for the greatest number of people.
(((hugs)))
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Glad to hear you're thinking with your head and not your heart and libido.
Just like every other compulsion/obsession you just have to stop contact.
When I was in a situation remotely similar to yours yrs. ago, I wish I had walked away. I have lived my life with no regrets, except that one. When you get some distance hopefully you will see the dysfunction in it and learn some lessons. All that energy that you put into "him" transfer to your kids and really get to know them, get them talking and sharing & be completely available to them emotionally. Make that your focus. He is not your to save, but your kids are. But you know this.
Just like every other compulsion/obsession you just have to stop contact.
When I was in a situation remotely similar to yours yrs. ago, I wish I had walked away. I have lived my life with no regrets, except that one. When you get some distance hopefully you will see the dysfunction in it and learn some lessons. All that energy that you put into "him" transfer to your kids and really get to know them, get them talking and sharing & be completely available to them emotionally. Make that your focus. He is not your to save, but your kids are. But you know this.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I am so glad that yo do not want to subject your kids to this man. They grow up so fast and they go and live their lives. You are so fortunate to have 3 kids. I am sure they all know something has changed with you while in this relationship.
Has your husband indicated that he knows something is going on with you? I can hardly imagine that he would not notice something has changed with you.
I am hoping you will be brave and go cold turkey....
Has your husband indicated that he knows something is going on with you? I can hardly imagine that he would not notice something has changed with you.
I am hoping you will be brave and go cold turkey....
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