New Here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
New Here
And I have already been fortunate enough to get a very friendly message from someone on here. Thanks for that!
I'm here, like most people, because I need support. My 19 year-old sister has a heroin problem. She almost died a month ago from an accidental overdose (she had just gotten out of jail, where she had been for three weeks, and did not realize she could not handle her previous amounts). I have a lot of hurt and anger built up for the things she has done to me and my parents over the past two years, but I also love her and cannot bear the idea of losing her. My relationship with my parents is very flimsy at the moment because my mother enables her. So basically, I'm trying to find some way to hold my family together, and I realize I'm on a sinking ship. I've been married for about a year now to a wonderfully understanding man who supports me in my endeavors to stay close to my parents. I am currently in counseling for the whole situation, and in the meantime I am staying pretty busy closing on my first home and trying to overcome my own issues with overeating.
And finally, the point to all of this: I am wanting desperately to write to my sister since she can't call me and I can't call her at the moment. She is at a rehab center for the next few weeks. I'm wanting to write her in an effort to salvage our friendship, and I don't know where to begin. On one hand, I want her to know how much she means to me and that I will always be rooting for her. On the other hand, selfish as this may sound, I feel a bit jipped somehow if she doesn't at least acknowledge the heck she's put me and my husband through (she has acknowledged what she has done to mom and dad, but not to me).
I want a relationship with her, but I'm scared to death because I don't know where to begin. Thoughts?
I'm here, like most people, because I need support. My 19 year-old sister has a heroin problem. She almost died a month ago from an accidental overdose (she had just gotten out of jail, where she had been for three weeks, and did not realize she could not handle her previous amounts). I have a lot of hurt and anger built up for the things she has done to me and my parents over the past two years, but I also love her and cannot bear the idea of losing her. My relationship with my parents is very flimsy at the moment because my mother enables her. So basically, I'm trying to find some way to hold my family together, and I realize I'm on a sinking ship. I've been married for about a year now to a wonderfully understanding man who supports me in my endeavors to stay close to my parents. I am currently in counseling for the whole situation, and in the meantime I am staying pretty busy closing on my first home and trying to overcome my own issues with overeating.
And finally, the point to all of this: I am wanting desperately to write to my sister since she can't call me and I can't call her at the moment. She is at a rehab center for the next few weeks. I'm wanting to write her in an effort to salvage our friendship, and I don't know where to begin. On one hand, I want her to know how much she means to me and that I will always be rooting for her. On the other hand, selfish as this may sound, I feel a bit jipped somehow if she doesn't at least acknowledge the heck she's put me and my husband through (she has acknowledged what she has done to mom and dad, but not to me).
I want a relationship with her, but I'm scared to death because I don't know where to begin. Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am sorry about your sister.i am glad she is in rehab. your sister has got to work on herself right now.she will work the steps. it takes a long time to work them one by one.i think it is step 9,make amends to all we have hurt.maybe then she will realize what she has done to you & your husband.for now you can read around & start your recovery.there is alot of info here for you.read all the sticky at the top of the forum & read around on the post.take it a day at the time.my prayers for you & your sister & the family.keep coming back & let us know how she is.it is a long, hard road for the addict.i hope she makes it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter is also a heroin addict. She went to rehab when she was 19 and wrote letters of apology to me and my husband. She came home and relapsed shortly after that. She never gave us the letters. If your sister truly wants recovery, she will someday make amends to you. Believe me when I say she is full of shame, guilt and remorse for what she has done to all of you. That is something that she will need to work through so that she does not pick up again. But it takes a lot of time. It can't be done overnight. I would just send her a note and wish her well. I understand your resentment. I have always told my daughter that she will never understand my love for her until she has her own children. Give your parents a little break. They are learning too. Taking care of yourself is your number one priority. You really can't help your sister. She has to do it herself. Same with your parents. They have to find a way to detach and let your sister solve her own problems. It took me two years to do that with my daughter. If someone had told me that when I first discovered my daughter's problem, I would have told them that they were crazy. Now I know that I had as big a problem as my daughter, but it took me time to learn that. Sending some hugs and prayers for your whole family. Addiction is a family disease. Marle
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Hi, Lady! 
Ya know, I've learned over the years through my recovery that I cannot control what another person does. And if I try to, and I don't get my way, I end up with a resentment. So, basically, I end up poisoning myself! Not my intention, for sure!
But, Marle is right. Addiction is a family disease. It effects us all. My son is a heroin addict. He's 27 and clean right now, but, he's been doing heroin since he was 16. He's put us through the wringer! It took the death of his best friend for him to put a stop to his addiction. He's having a very hard time with it, and he's on methadone.
The problems my son brought home, as a result of his addiction, led to many changes. I became very sick. I went into a deep and profound depression and severe anxiety. My marriage of 24 years dissolved. Both my ex and I enabled him horribly -- until we learned better. And honestly, we're both still learning!
There's no guide book for parents, Lady. We're all doing the best we can, until we learn how to do better. And it took years of alanon and counseling for me to learn better. Those very qualities that make us good parents, turn against us when our children become addicts. So, give your parents a little slack, while still holding onto your own boundaries with them and your sister. It's not easy for any of us....
I'm sorry you are dealing with such pain right now. And I'm certain it has to do with your other issues. Wouldn't it be nice if carrot sticks and celery became our new comfort food? LOL!
But, I do know that alanon meetings would help you deal with these issues between your sister and you. A live sponsor can and will help you with the steps. And working the steps is what led me to be able to seperate or detach with love from the insanity of my son's addictions, while still holding onto my love for him. It's a line that's served me well.
I hope you find your serenity. And with that, I'll share a prayer with you, called the Serenity Prayer:
G*D, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Shalom!
Ya know, I've learned over the years through my recovery that I cannot control what another person does. And if I try to, and I don't get my way, I end up with a resentment. So, basically, I end up poisoning myself! Not my intention, for sure!
But, Marle is right. Addiction is a family disease. It effects us all. My son is a heroin addict. He's 27 and clean right now, but, he's been doing heroin since he was 16. He's put us through the wringer! It took the death of his best friend for him to put a stop to his addiction. He's having a very hard time with it, and he's on methadone.
The problems my son brought home, as a result of his addiction, led to many changes. I became very sick. I went into a deep and profound depression and severe anxiety. My marriage of 24 years dissolved. Both my ex and I enabled him horribly -- until we learned better. And honestly, we're both still learning!
There's no guide book for parents, Lady. We're all doing the best we can, until we learn how to do better. And it took years of alanon and counseling for me to learn better. Those very qualities that make us good parents, turn against us when our children become addicts. So, give your parents a little slack, while still holding onto your own boundaries with them and your sister. It's not easy for any of us....
I'm sorry you are dealing with such pain right now. And I'm certain it has to do with your other issues. Wouldn't it be nice if carrot sticks and celery became our new comfort food? LOL!
But, I do know that alanon meetings would help you deal with these issues between your sister and you. A live sponsor can and will help you with the steps. And working the steps is what led me to be able to seperate or detach with love from the insanity of my son's addictions, while still holding onto my love for him. It's a line that's served me well.
I hope you find your serenity. And with that, I'll share a prayer with you, called the Serenity Prayer:
G*D, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Shalom!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi and welcome! I'm glad that you found this site...it's filled with support and wonderful people.
I too agree...Hopefully your sister is working on recovery and focusing on staying clean. Early recovery is very fragile and adddiction is a powerful disease that impacts us all. There will be time later to talk about things in the past. Right now the most important thing for both of you is to know you love each other and to heal.
Keep reading and posting. I am glad you are getting help for yourself, I found Naranon meetings to be extremely beneficial in my own recovery. Hugs
I too agree...Hopefully your sister is working on recovery and focusing on staying clean. Early recovery is very fragile and adddiction is a powerful disease that impacts us all. There will be time later to talk about things in the past. Right now the most important thing for both of you is to know you love each other and to heal.
Keep reading and posting. I am glad you are getting help for yourself, I found Naranon meetings to be extremely beneficial in my own recovery. Hugs
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Welcome aboard!
Great advice and words of wisdom before me. Your sister just may not be able to face what she has done to you at this time. My daughter is my addict and she has never aknowledged or accepted what she has done to us or her sister. I can't make her but we are taking baby steps to foster some kind of relationship with her. I am praying that someday, she will at least exhibit the kind of behavior that will "tell" me that she has.
In the meantime, just send her a card with a note that tells her you love her and are thinking of her. The rest can wait until later. I know it hurts but we cannot control the behavior of others. Take care of YOU and that wonderful husband of yours - that's the priority.
Great advice and words of wisdom before me. Your sister just may not be able to face what she has done to you at this time. My daughter is my addict and she has never aknowledged or accepted what she has done to us or her sister. I can't make her but we are taking baby steps to foster some kind of relationship with her. I am praying that someday, she will at least exhibit the kind of behavior that will "tell" me that she has.
In the meantime, just send her a card with a note that tells her you love her and are thinking of her. The rest can wait until later. I know it hurts but we cannot control the behavior of others. Take care of YOU and that wonderful husband of yours - that's the priority.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Hi, welcome. My daughter is 23, currently in rehab also. I forced, begged, bribed, cried, the whole bit. Nothing works until they want it to! Hard to imagine, but so true. I agree w/ all the above, there are some wonderful folks here who will help you understand your sister and yourself. It has saved me more than once! I wish I'd found it 4 years ago.
Send a simple note/card. She won't want to read an essay, but knowing you love her and care for her is something she needs to reaffirm, espeically in her heart.
Prayers for you and your sister,
susan
Send a simple note/card. She won't want to read an essay, but knowing you love her and care for her is something she needs to reaffirm, espeically in her heart.
Prayers for you and your sister,
susan
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