just thinking...
the girl can't help it
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
just thinking...
I have been thinking about writing this for a long time. It seems that there is a certain tone and rhythm to enabling.
I can feel the let down coming. There is a inaudible high pitched sound I hear in the hopes of people who are enabling an addict.
They sound too sure too hopeful and I want to scream out at the top of my lungs no wait don't do it stop....
An ode to sorrow in 6/8 time as we rush to do for another what they ought to do for themselves...
I can feel the let down coming. There is a inaudible high pitched sound I hear in the hopes of people who are enabling an addict.
They sound too sure too hopeful and I want to scream out at the top of my lungs no wait don't do it stop....
An ode to sorrow in 6/8 time as we rush to do for another what they ought to do for themselves...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Splendra, It is only through our mistakes that we learn our lessons. I still have hope that someday my daughter will seek recovery, but I no longer feel that it is my responsibility. Death could be the outcome of her addiction, but I know that it is her journey. Sometimes we must try everything before we can surrender. I am sure when I first came here people wanted to shout at me to STOP but because they were understanding that I must walk my own path, I have been able to slowly pull back. My daughter told me recently in a text message that she knew maybe she could die but it is her life. I agree. Hugs, Marle
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
I hear it too in some posts here, and I too have wanted to scream NO! STOP! SAVE YOURSELF!, but I know that people have to be burnt badly enough to stop on their own. I wouldn't listen to anyone or anything until I was ready because, in my mind, my ex was 'different' and I was going to save him......and we were going to live happily ever after.
For me, it took coming to the end of myself; realizing that I had turned into a bitter, angry, tired woman. Life held no joy anymore. I was losing my self slowly while trying to save him.
I know now that it wasn't even him I was 'saving'. It was my fantasy of what our life was supposed to be. What a total lie my marriage was, from the beginning. How completely unfair I was to all of us to think it was within my power to manipulate everything into my ideal.
Oh well, enough soul-searching for tonight! I am going to log off here and go watch a movie with my little boy. So many simple pleasures in this life without my exah....
*grin*
For me, it took coming to the end of myself; realizing that I had turned into a bitter, angry, tired woman. Life held no joy anymore. I was losing my self slowly while trying to save him.
I know now that it wasn't even him I was 'saving'. It was my fantasy of what our life was supposed to be. What a total lie my marriage was, from the beginning. How completely unfair I was to all of us to think it was within my power to manipulate everything into my ideal.
Oh well, enough soul-searching for tonight! I am going to log off here and go watch a movie with my little boy. So many simple pleasures in this life without my exah....
*grin*
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
We all have to do the things we are comfortable with. I paid my daughters mortgage payment last month after I took her son. I won't pay it again and will take her home if she doesn't have the money July 1
I just could not take her home without giving her a chance. Enabling? yes...I have to live with myself.
I just could not take her home without giving her a chance. Enabling? yes...I have to live with myself.
the girl can't help it
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I guess it is just the codie in me. i feel real bad when people ask for help and don't take it. I was there too. I am so surrounded by addicts with my family and my H and letting go of them has been so hard so I know how hard it is.
When people come here write about someone being violent and addicted and how they are helping the violent one instead of themselves I just want to pull my hair out.
There must be a better way of getting these people to see than what is available. They should not be allowed to visit someone in jail who has hurt them and they need some kind of counseling that helps them see to leave them. The system is just as much a part of the problem as the people involved. The trauma bond needs to be broken for these people when they do not have the kind of support that will help them.
When someone files a RO or calls the cops and has someone locked up I think there ought to be mandatory intensive outreach for the person filing the complaint.
When people come here write about someone being violent and addicted and how they are helping the violent one instead of themselves I just want to pull my hair out.
There must be a better way of getting these people to see than what is available. They should not be allowed to visit someone in jail who has hurt them and they need some kind of counseling that helps them see to leave them. The system is just as much a part of the problem as the people involved. The trauma bond needs to be broken for these people when they do not have the kind of support that will help them.
When someone files a RO or calls the cops and has someone locked up I think there ought to be mandatory intensive outreach for the person filing the complaint.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Through our own recovery we come to realize and "accept" that we simply cannot do for others what they should be doing for themselves! Geesh, I can sometimes hardly do for ME what I should be doing! lol
As a recovered codie, I find myself stopping myself many times from trying to "fix" other people' problems. I've learned how to do that and it is much better for everyone. I'm still helpful shen I can be but only to a limit and I don't reach out for the reigns any longer.
It takes recovery, time and practice!
As a recovered codie, I find myself stopping myself many times from trying to "fix" other people' problems. I've learned how to do that and it is much better for everyone. I'm still helpful shen I can be but only to a limit and I don't reach out for the reigns any longer.
It takes recovery, time and practice!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
I believe living the life of a 'loved one of an addict' has a very similar cycle as the addict themselves. There has to be a bottom for us too before we find the strength to do something about it. I know I've enabled for many years but looking back at it, those useless attempts to help my husband really help in my healing know. I know, from the bottom of my heart that I tried EVERYTHING. That makes it easier for me to release it now and know from the bottom of my heart that there is nothing I can do to help, AND I have personal proof that trying only makes it worse.
I think the only thing 'the system' can do to help us....plan seeds. Expose loved ones to the information so when they are ready, when they hit 'their' bottom, they'll know where to go....just like an addict. And just like an addict, the more we enable the enablers, the lower THEY have to go to hit thier own bottom - sometimes death.
I know the more people pushed and pushed on me, the more I beleived they didn't understand what 'my' situation was and I held on tighter.
I think the only thing 'the system' can do to help us....plan seeds. Expose loved ones to the information so when they are ready, when they hit 'their' bottom, they'll know where to go....just like an addict. And just like an addict, the more we enable the enablers, the lower THEY have to go to hit thier own bottom - sometimes death.
I know the more people pushed and pushed on me, the more I beleived they didn't understand what 'my' situation was and I held on tighter.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Originally Posted by splendra 
I guess it is just the codie in me. i feel real bad when people ask for help and don't take it. I was there too. I am so surrounded by addicts with my family and my H and letting go of them has been so hard so I know how hard it is.
When people come here write about someone being violent and addicted and how they are helping the violent one instead of themselves I just want to pull my hair out.
There must be a better way of getting these people to see than what is available. They should not be allowed to visit someone in jail who has hurt them and they need some kind of counseling that helps them see to leave them. The system is just as much a part of the problem as the people involved. The trauma bond needs to be broken for these people when they do not have the kind of support that will help them.
When someone files a RO or calls the cops and has someone locked up I think there ought to be mandatory intensive outreach for the person filing the complaint.
When people come here write about someone being violent and addicted and how they are helping the violent one instead of themselves I just want to pull my hair out.
There must be a better way of getting these people to see than what is available. They should not be allowed to visit someone in jail who has hurt them and they need some kind of counseling that helps them see to leave them. The system is just as much a part of the problem as the people involved. The trauma bond needs to be broken for these people when they do not have the kind of support that will help them.
When someone files a RO or calls the cops and has someone locked up I think there ought to be mandatory intensive outreach for the person filing the complaint.
Boy, did I have those thoughts, too. Often. Still do, sometimes.
What I know today is that how it works for me is I hear MY story, MY situation and MY faults coming out of the mouths of others. Once I identify with them, I start to listen for how it worked for them, and I see similarities to how it can work for me.
"You spot it, you got it"
That is a shortcut way to say the same thing. Sometimes the stuff I "spot" is good stuff... and it is good to remember that part, too.
Look for the similarities and
Hang with the winners
All of those are program ideas that help me understand that I can learn from others. And how many of us arrived in Alanon sure that we could look around and learn from others? I know I didn't. I arrived wondering how exactly I was doing it wrong, and what exactly was the "trick" others used to get their loved ones sober... I was sure it was just a matter of learning a new "thing".
In a way, it was. I had to learn to let go. I had to learn to step back. I had to learn to surrender.
That sort of emotional learning takes time. And (ok, this is the last slogan) as we all know...
Time takes time.
(((Splendra))))
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Fear, that's what kept me enabling. I was afraid if I didn't help my son he would die.
As it turns out, that's not true. Not the part that he won't die, but the part that says I have any control over if that happens.
Letting go is the hardest thing, but once we have done it, it's a rare occasion that we will ever grab on again.
We live, we learn and as we know better, we do better. There is no easy way.
Hugs
As it turns out, that's not true. Not the part that he won't die, but the part that says I have any control over if that happens.
Letting go is the hardest thing, but once we have done it, it's a rare occasion that we will ever grab on again.
We live, we learn and as we know better, we do better. There is no easy way.
Hugs
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
DeNial is not just a river in Egypt.
I too want to say, "Don't JUMP! Everyone has told you that you are at the edge of a cliff.. you have jumped b4 and gotten really banged up for your trouble and nothing changed.."
The cliff is still there and the stop at the bottom still hurts just as bad and we ALL know it ain't the jump of the fall that hurts.. it is the stop at the bottom!
But I also know that for some ppl saying it over and over just doesn't work. If I get too frustrated with seeing the Replay button being hit over and over, I stop answering their posts.. and sometimes I even stop reading them.. even tho I too was crazy at one time.
I too want to say, "Don't JUMP! Everyone has told you that you are at the edge of a cliff.. you have jumped b4 and gotten really banged up for your trouble and nothing changed.."
The cliff is still there and the stop at the bottom still hurts just as bad and we ALL know it ain't the jump of the fall that hurts.. it is the stop at the bottom!
But I also know that for some ppl saying it over and over just doesn't work. If I get too frustrated with seeing the Replay button being hit over and over, I stop answering their posts.. and sometimes I even stop reading them.. even tho I too was crazy at one time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I just remember that when I first came here I sounded just the same and the ones who were ahead of me on the path may have felt the same way...but they gently helped me learn just the same.
The people in real life had given up on me, I am ever so grateful that the people here didn't.
If we see each other through the lens of respect, then it's easier to respect that we are all different people with different backgrounds, strengths and limitations.
The people in real life had given up on me, I am ever so grateful that the people here didn't.
If we see each other through the lens of respect, then it's easier to respect that we are all different people with different backgrounds, strengths and limitations.
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