another option
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
another option
my lawyer said that there is another option if he doesnt sign the agreement and so we do not go to trial.
he can file a motion to show just cause that he has to remain out of our house..then i just go ahead with the divorce and forget about giving him the choice of going for help with his issues...if he doesnt sign the agreement, then he is not ready and is still in denial..what else can i do? ive doen everything possible.
he said he would go for help, but it is only to pacify me..he wants "in" our house, to restate--have visitations in our house which my laawyer totally advises me against that for obvious reasons.
also, i called his brother today to see if he would call my lawyer...so he knows what is going on and what risks my ah is taking..basically he said he is a grwon man and can make his own decisions,but also that my ah told him i am hallucinating, there was no domestic violence, my ah has his own "grounds" for me --whatever that means, and also that grabbing my arm is not domestic violence, and that my ah seems pretty coherent to him, he is lying to h im about the drug use of course..he is just a farce, a lie, and he has his whole family believing him and it makes me sick. last summer they saw for themselves how he gets--he got into one of his rages, was yelling at his sister in the hotel, went after his other brother, he was totaly irrational and out of control..so what, they think he is fine now...he quit on his own and he is all better...??? his family is in as much denial as he is...im done with them. im totally done dealing with every one of them....they should be thanking me for trying as hard as i have been to get him help.
let me know your opinions on the new option....thanks guys--you're the best!!!
he can file a motion to show just cause that he has to remain out of our house..then i just go ahead with the divorce and forget about giving him the choice of going for help with his issues...if he doesnt sign the agreement, then he is not ready and is still in denial..what else can i do? ive doen everything possible.
he said he would go for help, but it is only to pacify me..he wants "in" our house, to restate--have visitations in our house which my laawyer totally advises me against that for obvious reasons.
also, i called his brother today to see if he would call my lawyer...so he knows what is going on and what risks my ah is taking..basically he said he is a grwon man and can make his own decisions,but also that my ah told him i am hallucinating, there was no domestic violence, my ah has his own "grounds" for me --whatever that means, and also that grabbing my arm is not domestic violence, and that my ah seems pretty coherent to him, he is lying to h im about the drug use of course..he is just a farce, a lie, and he has his whole family believing him and it makes me sick. last summer they saw for themselves how he gets--he got into one of his rages, was yelling at his sister in the hotel, went after his other brother, he was totaly irrational and out of control..so what, they think he is fine now...he quit on his own and he is all better...??? his family is in as much denial as he is...im done with them. im totally done dealing with every one of them....they should be thanking me for trying as hard as i have been to get him help.
let me know your opinions on the new option....thanks guys--you're the best!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
one other thing
i really think my ah has serious issues, whether it is a mental illness or irrational thinking or brain damage from all the drugs--he is using my kids and telling them i am to blame, he is telling them that i am not letting him contact them, i am not ready to have him come home yet, and that i shouldnt do that because i know that is hurting them, he is presenting my 12 r. old with adult problems that she shouldnt have to deal with ...
my lawyer says he has never seen anyone break a restraining order as much as he has....and that just says he has no self control,,,
his own lawyer things he is hard to handle and very difficult..he is embarassed of the way he is hadlling this as well.
so i dont know if its just the drugs or what, but his issues are deep and would require lots and lots of heavy duty therapy, i believe...and who knows if even that would help.
my lawyer says he has never seen anyone break a restraining order as much as he has....and that just says he has no self control,,,
his own lawyer things he is hard to handle and very difficult..he is embarassed of the way he is hadlling this as well.
so i dont know if its just the drugs or what, but his issues are deep and would require lots and lots of heavy duty therapy, i believe...and who knows if even that would help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
DW,
Sadly enough, my relationship with my husbands side of the family is no longer. It just became in my best interest to stay away and it didn't matter anymore what they thought or advised, they weren't the ones living with it and refused as well to believe it. He did go live with my in-laws for a period of time, there he showed his true colors and he had to move out...but once he was out of sight, the problem was out of mind and he again could manipulate them.
Rose
Sadly enough, my relationship with my husbands side of the family is no longer. It just became in my best interest to stay away and it didn't matter anymore what they thought or advised, they weren't the ones living with it and refused as well to believe it. He did go live with my in-laws for a period of time, there he showed his true colors and he had to move out...but once he was out of sight, the problem was out of mind and he again could manipulate them.
Rose
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
my ah would first of all never stay with his parents....i dont think he would use in their house....he would feel to guilty (he has too much respect for them...obviously much more than he has for me..and he would never show his true colors to them...he is a total different person when he is with them...he can pull it off and they are older so i dont think they would notice any way. Plus they know absolutly nothing about drug abuse and addiction. they wouldnt know if it hit them in the face. and he can easily lie to them and they would believe every word. sickening.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
to splenda--
either he is that sick, or he is bluffing..pushing me to my limits---seeing if i will break down....trying to wear me down to the point where i drop everything.
either he is that sick, or he is bluffing..pushing me to my limits---seeing if i will break down....trying to wear me down to the point where i drop everything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
to splenda--
either he is that sick, or he is bluffing..pushing me to my limits---seeing if i will break down....trying to wear me down to the point where i drop everything.
or he is that controlling and really only cares about winning...
either he is that sick, or he is bluffing..pushing me to my limits---seeing if i will break down....trying to wear me down to the point where i drop everything.
or he is that controlling and really only cares about winning...
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
First of all, I want to congratulate you on finding so much strenght in all of this.
Second, I want to congratulate you on coming to terms with reality while EVERYONE around you is in DENIAL! The thing with denial is that others often (not always) eventually wake up. Usually too late. YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM!!!!
I cannot tell you what choice to make, but I will tell you this:
Read every response you have made above and the answer to your dilemma is written in your own words, unless you WANT to continue this dance with your husband.
(((((DW)))))
Second, I want to congratulate you on coming to terms with reality while EVERYONE around you is in DENIAL! The thing with denial is that others often (not always) eventually wake up. Usually too late. YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM!!!!
I cannot tell you what choice to make, but I will tell you this:
Read every response you have made above and the answer to your dilemma is written in your own words, unless you WANT to continue this dance with your husband.
(((((DW)))))
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I think you are fortunate to have such a good attorney, DW. It sounds like you can trust his advice.
The family... and everyone else in your husband's life... will have to come to an understanding of the addiction and acceptance of the DEPTH of that addiction the same way you and me and all of us here have - in little steps.
I am sorry his family is not supporting you today... sadly that will likely change as they gain more knowledge, as it is unlikely that your husband will make an entire new life out of the shreds he is hanging on to today.
Denial is a safe place... heck, I've longed to go back there MANY times. But the strength I've gained out here in the light has buoyed me up and the strength I've gained by walking through this fire has helped me get through many tough times. I've discovered things about myself I didn't used to know... good things. There have been times lately I've even said... I am grateful to the addict for getting me to Alanon. I swore I would NEVER say that. But I did.
I wish you well today, DW. Prayers continue for strength and clarity.
The family... and everyone else in your husband's life... will have to come to an understanding of the addiction and acceptance of the DEPTH of that addiction the same way you and me and all of us here have - in little steps.
I am sorry his family is not supporting you today... sadly that will likely change as they gain more knowledge, as it is unlikely that your husband will make an entire new life out of the shreds he is hanging on to today.
Denial is a safe place... heck, I've longed to go back there MANY times. But the strength I've gained out here in the light has buoyed me up and the strength I've gained by walking through this fire has helped me get through many tough times. I've discovered things about myself I didn't used to know... good things. There have been times lately I've even said... I am grateful to the addict for getting me to Alanon. I swore I would NEVER say that. But I did.
I wish you well today, DW. Prayers continue for strength and clarity.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I like the option that has you moving forward without depending on anyone else for anything.
He's addicted, his family is in denial and enabling, they could never be counted on for anything anyway.
Stop worrying about what they say or what they think...it just doesn't matter.
You know the truth in your own heart, that's all you need. Validation comes from yourself and not those who would spite you.
Stick with your lawyer, let him handle any correspondence with your ex, lay charges if he keeps breaking is RO, and keep the focus on you.
Hugs
He's addicted, his family is in denial and enabling, they could never be counted on for anything anyway.
Stop worrying about what they say or what they think...it just doesn't matter.
You know the truth in your own heart, that's all you need. Validation comes from yourself and not those who would spite you.
Stick with your lawyer, let him handle any correspondence with your ex, lay charges if he keeps breaking is RO, and keep the focus on you.
Hugs
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
I too like the option of moving forward for you and your little ones without depending on him to do anything. It is really the only sane thing to do....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
my MIL said he told her he was going to sign the agreement, so we'll see what happens on monday..i kind of wish that maybe i should have never had this agreement (which was my idea because i wanted to give him another chance or choice to get help)....and just move on with the divorce if he would stay out of the house....
Its in my ah's and hp's hands now..if he signs it than fine...it not than i just move forward with the divorce...and unless this man does a total 360, i dont know how we could ever reconcile...i am beginning to see what a toxic relationship it is and has been..
Its in my ah's and hp's hands now..if he signs it than fine...it not than i just move forward with the divorce...and unless this man does a total 360, i dont know how we could ever reconcile...i am beginning to see what a toxic relationship it is and has been..
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((drained)))
There will ALWAYS be someone to second-guess your decisions. ALWAYS!!
When I got to the point you're at (deciding to file for divorce from my exah), it seemed like everyone around me had an opinion about how I SHOULD be handling things. Some people said I should have done it sooner and that I was being 'too nice' to my exah, others (just a few, mind you) said I didn't do enough. My response to all of them? Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me or offer an opinion.
When it comes to decisions that will effect YOUR life and future, YOUR opinion is the ONLY one that counts. Period. Be true to yourself...and do whats right for YOU at this point...And as for the kids, I firmly believe that whats right for you is whats right for them. Seperation and divorce are difficult...Its not what you envisioned for your life or the life of your kids...but neither is addiction. Keep making decisions based upon how things really are...as opposed to how you wish they would be or others might think they are...and you'll be okay. You really will.
I admire your strength. I know this isn't easy...
Hugs from someone whose been there...
There will ALWAYS be someone to second-guess your decisions. ALWAYS!!
When I got to the point you're at (deciding to file for divorce from my exah), it seemed like everyone around me had an opinion about how I SHOULD be handling things. Some people said I should have done it sooner and that I was being 'too nice' to my exah, others (just a few, mind you) said I didn't do enough. My response to all of them? Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me or offer an opinion.
When it comes to decisions that will effect YOUR life and future, YOUR opinion is the ONLY one that counts. Period. Be true to yourself...and do whats right for YOU at this point...And as for the kids, I firmly believe that whats right for you is whats right for them. Seperation and divorce are difficult...Its not what you envisioned for your life or the life of your kids...but neither is addiction. Keep making decisions based upon how things really are...as opposed to how you wish they would be or others might think they are...and you'll be okay. You really will.
I admire your strength. I know this isn't easy...
Hugs from someone whose been there...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
very true out on a limb....his family is in denial and THEY dont have to live with him.
The insanity of it all, if it kept up I would have gone insane..
And then there is the trust issue---what is a marriage without trust...
So much has happened an he is not the smae person..his reasoning is all out of wack, he is sharing things with my older daughter that he should not be, and this is going to cause her to have emotional issues. HE told his brother that I am hallucinating...he cant own up to his problems, in some way I am always to blame at least particially. There is no excuse for drug use at his age, there is no excuse for abuse...there just isnt. He cant look in the mirror, and I dont know if he ever will.
The insanity of it all, if it kept up I would have gone insane..
And then there is the trust issue---what is a marriage without trust...
So much has happened an he is not the smae person..his reasoning is all out of wack, he is sharing things with my older daughter that he should not be, and this is going to cause her to have emotional issues. HE told his brother that I am hallucinating...he cant own up to his problems, in some way I am always to blame at least particially. There is no excuse for drug use at his age, there is no excuse for abuse...there just isnt. He cant look in the mirror, and I dont know if he ever will.
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