Blogs


Notices

Not drug-related but need some advice. . .

Old 06-21-2007, 05:51 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Let me grow up.
Thread Starter
 
newblue82's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
Not drug-related but need some advice. . .

Tell me if Iím wrong? The other day my brother Jonathan and I were sitting next to each other on the couch watching a movie with my mom and dad. Tonya, my brotherís wife, was in the back bedroom watching television. So I got up to get me something to drink and when I get back Tonyaís sitting in my spot curled up next to Jonathan. So I told her (nicely) youíre sitting in my spot and that she needed to move. She looks up and says well, Iím sorry but Iím comfortable now and doesnít move. So I feel myself getting irritated because she doesnít seem the least bit concerned about what sheís doing and I said to her that I only have another day with Jonathan and after that she has him for the rest of the week all to herself since theyíre not leaving until Saturday. She still just says well, Iím comfortable. So my mom and dad are watching this going on and my dad says to me to just go sit on the other couch and I said no, Iím going for a drive because I could feel myself reaching my boiling point.

Anyway, the other day, my dad says to me to never put my brother in the position where he feels like he has to choose between me and his wife and I said I didnít put him in that position. . .Tonya did. Any one else who knows what it means to be thoughtful would have gotten up and let me sit back down. I told my mom last night that Iím tired of playing nice with someone whoís pulled stunts like this before and who doesnít seem to care about any one but herself just to keep the peace. Next time (and I know there will be a next time) I fear that I am going to say or do something that I will regret and that might cost me my brother. My mom said all I can do is let it go because thatís his wife . . .blah blah blah but I donít agree with that! Am I wrong? I donít feel that I was being unreasonable. Heís going to Afghanistan and that was my only chance to spend some time with him before he leaves. She really didnít care how she was treating me. I saw it all over her face that all she was concerned with was getting her way as usual.
newblue82 is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 05:57 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
cinderellawkids's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Blog Entries: 1
As a wife, Id do the same thing she did. (especially if he was leaving)
Honestly me my husband and my BIL have had similar things many times, I got tired of it and as a result they now have each other.

I have to agree with your DAd, it is his wife, and about the commitment they made to each other
cinderellawkids is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 06:02 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have found that there will always be people who annoy me. I have two choices. I can make a confrontation out of each annoyance and make everyone as unhappy as I am...or...I can tune out the people who annoy me and keep my serenity.

Your feelings of wanting to spend time with your brother are valid. And since everyone else wants to spend time with him too now before he leaves, my thoughts are to either just share him and it doesn't matter who sits next to him or tell him you'd like to go for a walk or for a coffee with him and have an hour of one-on-one sometime before he leaves.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 06:05 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
The only thing that popped into my little pea brain was that:

When there is a compitition, there are never two winners.

I agree with Ann, seek out some one to one time with him.
dollydo is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 06:11 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Get Caught Reading
 
bookmiser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
I don't think it matters who's wife she is. She sat in a seat that was occupied by someone else. Were you gone from the seat long?
What was your brother's reaction to it?
In-laws...ya gotta love'em. lol
Sorry you were angry and made to feel "low-man" on the family totem pole.
I find some way to fix her a$$ later. lol
That's just me. I've had a rough day.
Or, you could just let it go. Not! lol
Just kidding. Thanks for making me smile.
Prayers to your brother during his tour. Tell him thanks from me.


Love,
Linda
bookmiser is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 06:40 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Let me grow up.
Thread Starter
 
newblue82's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
No, I wasn't gone long. As for them being husband and wife, well they live in the state of Virginia. And I stay in Louisiana; it's a rare occasion that he gets to come home because he's with the National Guard. He'll be gone for 6 mo. in Afghanistan and God knows what could happen then though all I can do is pray on that. I was home for 4 days having taken scarce vacation time to spend some time with him and they're in town for 10 days which means she would have had 6 days of complete freedom to be with him. She sleeps with him, wakes up with him, lives with him etc. etc and married or not (which I respect and understand) her behavior was selfish and childish to me. My brother didn't say anything (which also upset me) instead he sat there with this stupid look on his face. As I said before, this isn't the first time she's pulled something like this. And like Bookmiser said it was rude of her to have taken my seat and shown total disregard towards me because she knew she could get away with it. I'm not intruding on them and I let them live in their bubble but when he comes home for the express reason of visiting with his family; I expect and deserve some quality time and I don't feel like I should have to schedule an appt. to be with my brother just because he's married to an insensitive. . .
newblue82 is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 06:48 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
cinderellawkids's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Blog Entries: 1
I have to say I agree she shouldnt have taken your seat. ANd your totally right in your feelings

But Im betting in her mind, this person she eats and sleeps with and is always with is suddenly in a few days gonna be gone, thats very tough when you share you life with a person, it'll take her quite a bit to get in the swing of things, and thats possibly the only thing shes thinking of
cinderellawkids is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 06:50 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I understand your hurt, however, if he is not on the same page as your are, nothing will change.

I pray for his safe return.
dollydo is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 07:04 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
(((blue))) Could it possably be as simple as she walked into a room where there was an empty seat next to her husband & sat down. I mean it could be inocent. My livingroom isn't nearly as big as I'd like, so for having 4 kids between hubby & I, & friends, I just want everyone to feel comfortable. As long as we're together it doesn't matter in the least who sits where. We can all still enjoy the same space & laugh & have a great time.

Maybe you could try to find a few things about your SIL that you truley like, & start a friendship. Then you might be able to go visit at their house. Hoping you get to enjoy time with your brother before her leaves.
helpus is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 07:10 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Let me grow up.
Thread Starter
 
newblue82's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
Yes, Cinderella, I understand that and if this was some rare show of incosiderate behavior or something she's never done before then I would completely agree with you but this is her nature. Although as Dolly says if he doesn't talk to her about it then there'll never be a change anyway and what it boils down to is this, if he insists on bringing her with him when he comes home (which I was the impression that he wasn't; she was supposed to go visit her family in Mississippi while he was with us) then he'll have to accept the fact that he'll be seeing little of me and I'm not doing that to hurt him but rather to avoid confrontation because even as I'm writing this I can feel myself becoming more and more angry and should I "try" to speak to her then I think it would develop into a confrontation.

I guess what angers me is that everyone is so concerned with not putting my brother in an awkward position and keeping the peace because she is his wife that it feels like my feelings are being tossed aside, like how I feel isn't of any consequence and I hate that she's taking advantage of that of knowing that everyone will continue to just smooth things over and let her keep doing what she's doing out of love and respect for my brother. That sucks!
newblue82 is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 07:11 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Let me grow up.
Thread Starter
 
newblue82's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
Help, even if she didn't have prior knowledge, I told her I was sitting there and she still didn't move. Strangers show more consideration then that.
newblue82 is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 07:36 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Bridge CLOSED
 
Elana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Well, I agree she was rude. However, I also think that if you are going to get upset, this was not the time to do it. This is obviously (to me ) a lot more than this one incident (and you have indicated that).

Bottom line is this was last night and last night is gone.

At a time when emotions are NOT running high, you might want to have an honest discussion with her about what you feel is disrespect toward you.

BTW I am praying for your Brother and his safe return.
Elana is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 07:58 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Let me grow up.
Thread Starter
 
newblue82's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
You're right, Elana. I suppose I've kept my emotions bottled up inside so much concerning past incidents that now I've reached the point where I'm just ready to explode. I'll have to let go and let God. The next time something like this happens, I'll discuss it with her. . .just don't be surprised if the next time I write you all it's to say things didn't go as planned. I have to be the bigger person here but I stand by my decision for the most part to just keep my distance. Right now the last thing on my mind is trying to be civil and I think it's gonna take some time for me to change that mindset.
newblue82 is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 09:46 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You don't like traits of the sister-in-law...often if you spot it, you got it.
If you alienate her you will be automatically be doing the same w/ brother.
It is not a competition. You can't change her but you can change your attitude. don't waste so much energy harboring resentments. just try to have fun and relate to the two of them in a good-natured way.You may be surprized if you don't wrap a story around ea. incident how much peace-of-mind you'll have. If I entered a room and there was a seat empty next to my husband that is where I'd sit. They are a couple. Your time would have been more meaninful if you had just taken a diffferent seat, without the brooding. That does seem immature. I think my son's girlfriend is a selfish bitch. But when I am around them I am nice, friendly, accepting and keep my opinion of her to myself. I don't let my opinion interfere because it won't change her but I can change how I relate to her so I have.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
Old 06-21-2007, 09:51 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
cookconfay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to. Ask yourself, how important is it. . . really? If she has this kind of problem being really insensitive and all, leave it at "her" problem. Mention if you want about it in a non-attacking way, and then the ball's in her court. Try not to expect too much, you have no control over the outcome remember. Then. . .sit somewhere else, if that's an option. I mean. . .there were other places to sit and then if it were me I'd wait til she moved and get my spot back. But. . .then I can be mean and vindictive still. Just better. . . not well by any means
cookconfay is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 12:08 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Let me grow up.
Thread Starter
 
newblue82's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
Thank you all for your advice. I spoke to my pastor about it and she told me that it's not my place to speak to my sister-in-law about anything. From a religious stand point, it is my brother's responsibility to "handle" his wife and if he hasn't done that yet then he obviously doesn't see a problem or has chosen to ignore the problem. I HAVE been exceedingly "nice and accepting" of my sister-in-law for his sake despite a lot of things but I'm also fully aware of my limitations and she's pushed me to them. I'm only human. I'm not a saint and it's obvious my brother has chosen to accept his wife's behavior; so again I've chosen to keep my distance. In light of his realizing how his wife affects me and his inaction, I feel that this is a consequence of his negligence. As the man, the brother, and the husband it is his responsibility to right this and until he does. . .
newblue82 is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 12:53 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Although I somewhat disagree with your pastor's train of thought, I do agree that if anyone is going to talk to her about the problem, it has to be your brother. Do you know that he didn't want her to sit next to him? He's leaving and this is the woman he loves and is spending his life with - maybe he wanted her to sit with him too. It's wonderful that you love your brother and are concerned for him... But you are his sister, and not his wife - can you not enjoy his company from across the room the same as you can while sitting next to him? If the situtation were reversed, and it was your husband going away - wouldn't you have wanted to sit next to him as well?
Newcomer... is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 01:59 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Let me grow up.
Thread Starter
 
newblue82's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
Perhaps, I shouldn't have even mentioned the fact that she's his wife because majority seems to have gotten stuck on the fact that I'm MERELY his sister. I'm not looking at the relationship the two of them have or the relationship he and I have; the issue here is that she was wrong to not have gotten up when I told her she had taken my seat.

So let me put this in a different perspective: if you were sitting in a waiting room with a friend, spouse or whatever and they had gotten up to go to the restroom and someone else who didn't have prior knowledge that they were taken someone else's seat sat in your "friend's" spot and you said to them "Excuse me, but this seat is already taken" and that person refused to get up would it or would it not be rude of them. Wouldn't you be upset?

This is the issue. It seems most of you feel that I have no right to be upset because that's his "wife" and she's "entitled" to sit next to him. I'm looking at the act of what she did, the total disregard for me. Why shouldn't I expect from my sister-in-law the same common courtesy that most strangers would show in a similar situation? Why is she getting off the hook so easily because of who she is? Why is everyone making excuses for her because of who she is? How about do unto others as you would have them do unto you?

I can say from personal experience having come out of a relationship with my exAGF who I was deeply in love with that though it was difficult to "share" her with her two grown children and her family, I did just that out of respect and love for HER and respect for her family. Is that unusual? Am I phenomenal somehow to show that kind of courtesy? Or maybe I was just raised differently to care about how I treat other people.
newblue82 is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 02:03 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,262
Blog Entries: 5
I don't even think who sits where is what this is about. But I will say when it comes to physical closeness, proximity husband and wife have dibs on each other. That's natural and most people understand that.
Usually in seating arrangements, it is assumed that husband and wife will be together.
This particular upset is in my opinion a prime example of making a mountain out of a molehill. And I sense jealousy.
To take it to the extreme to alienate yourself from your brother? Then I don't think this is about how much you really care about him and want to be with him.
If any of my siblings of anyone else tries to come between a man and wife, that is me and my husband, that person will be the one who is alienated. A man and a wife have made a vow of union.
Better to accept that they are truly married.
And look at your own motives and feelings.
It would be much easier to get along.
Y'all shouldn't be fighting over him in the first place.
Something is really out of whack here.
Live is offline  
Old 06-22-2007, 02:14 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,262
Blog Entries: 5
We were raised differently. In our families, you wouldn't even have said anything to her and just taken another seat.
Respect and courtesy is not causing discordance over something so minor.
Should you even have looked surprised in our family we would have laughed and said, you snooze, you lose. Good naturedly. And this would be a non-issue.
Live is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:12 AM.