New crisis- please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
New crisis- please help
ABF just called from rehab and told me that he wanted to leave. He thinks he wants to go to Florida and will I stand behind him if he leaves.
Stupidly I think I inadvertedly consented.
I was taken so off guard by the whole thing. I found myself wanting to control-asking him to stay with me before he went to Florida.
Now post phone call I see the handwriting on the wall- his addiction is pulling him to leave. He will probably leave and use- if he has not already left and done so.
He will then trick himself into thinking that he is going to Florida or that going to Florida will solve all of his problems. He is leaving there THINKING he will go to Florida to continue treatment so it does not seem to him that he is leaving to go use or because he does not want to get better.
He is not thinking clearly right now- this I know.
This has me so completely out of whack. I vowed not to be blown about by every wind and to try to remain detached but here I am reacting again.
Why can't I get it through my THICK skull that he is not capable of caring for others right now- he is in pursuit of one thing and one thing only and that is getting out of there because his addiction is making him feel trapped. He has not let go yet.
I do not support his decision to leave, but he will do what he will do.
I need to stop looking to someone as sick as an addict to give me reassurance/support.
Help -- what to do?
Stupidly I think I inadvertedly consented.
I was taken so off guard by the whole thing. I found myself wanting to control-asking him to stay with me before he went to Florida.
Now post phone call I see the handwriting on the wall- his addiction is pulling him to leave. He will probably leave and use- if he has not already left and done so.
He will then trick himself into thinking that he is going to Florida or that going to Florida will solve all of his problems. He is leaving there THINKING he will go to Florida to continue treatment so it does not seem to him that he is leaving to go use or because he does not want to get better.
He is not thinking clearly right now- this I know.
This has me so completely out of whack. I vowed not to be blown about by every wind and to try to remain detached but here I am reacting again.
Why can't I get it through my THICK skull that he is not capable of caring for others right now- he is in pursuit of one thing and one thing only and that is getting out of there because his addiction is making him feel trapped. He has not let go yet.
I do not support his decision to leave, but he will do what he will do.
I need to stop looking to someone as sick as an addict to give me reassurance/support.
Help -- what to do?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((HK))))
My first thought is do nothing.
He will do what he will do, and you are not held to a binding agreement of any sort.
Maybe he has a plan, maybe not, but there's not a whole lot that you can do except stick to what is healthy for you REGARDLESS of what he decides.
Keep telling yourself:
"I've committed to move forward, not back"
"I've committed to move forward not back"
Prayers for clarity and peace for you
((((Hugs)))
Cece
My first thought is do nothing.
He will do what he will do, and you are not held to a binding agreement of any sort.
Maybe he has a plan, maybe not, but there's not a whole lot that you can do except stick to what is healthy for you REGARDLESS of what he decides.
Keep telling yourself:
"I've committed to move forward, not back"
"I've committed to move forward not back"
Prayers for clarity and peace for you
((((Hugs)))
Cece
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by HKAngel24 
.
Help -- what to do?
Help -- what to do?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Let go. It is the only thing you can do. Believe me when you truly accept that you are powerless over his addiction and your ability to deal with it, you will find a kind of peaceful acceptance. I am sorry that you are still struggling, but you will continue to until you accept that there is nothing you can do. Hugs, Marle
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
if he calls back, or shows up (let's hope not) tell him you were taken off guard by his plan and request and that you made a poor decision. No, you do not support his decision and you will have nothing to do with a walk from rehab. then, hang up asap and quit taking the calls.
stick to it, regardless of what he does.
blessings, k
stick to it, regardless of what he does.
blessings, k
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Heather, Marle is right. Until you truly accept you are totally powerless over ANYONE'S LIFE BUT YOUR OWN.............you will struggle & agonize.
Until you have had enough & reach your bottom your life will continue to be unmanageable.
Don't beat yourself up though. When you have had enough you'll know it.
Only then will you find the peace you want.
The best thing you could do for yourself is to get yourself to a face to face meeting.
Hugs,
Diane
Until you have had enough & reach your bottom your life will continue to be unmanageable.
Don't beat yourself up though. When you have had enough you'll know it.
Only then will you find the peace you want.
The best thing you could do for yourself is to get yourself to a face to face meeting.
Hugs,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Heather, Rozied is right. Letting go is a process and you WILL get there. So be gentle with yourself. I know it seems like the world is going to end sometimes, but it won't and you will learn. Even if it is only for an hour, do something nice just for you. Hugs, Marle
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Heather,
Until you stop attempting to control him he will keep using you as an end to getting high. Plain and simple.
If he calls again or shows up, tell him gently you can't allow him to stay with you. I know how easy it is to let them stay when they are standing on the doorstep especially after not seeing him for awhile...but hon, if you let him through the door you are inviting that chaos and drug using into your home and your life.
When people walk out of rehab, with any excuse at all, it is because they are NOT READY to stop using drugs. One of the kindest things you can do for your abf is to let him deal with the consequences of his actions BY HIMSELF.
Hugs.
Until you stop attempting to control him he will keep using you as an end to getting high. Plain and simple.
If he calls again or shows up, tell him gently you can't allow him to stay with you. I know how easy it is to let them stay when they are standing on the doorstep especially after not seeing him for awhile...but hon, if you let him through the door you are inviting that chaos and drug using into your home and your life.
When people walk out of rehab, with any excuse at all, it is because they are NOT READY to stop using drugs. One of the kindest things you can do for your abf is to let him deal with the consequences of his actions BY HIMSELF.
Hugs.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
What every one else said. Shut off the call accepting mechanism on your phone, in your heart and in your head. Cry over it and get on with your life.
This is not a crisis. This is what addicts do.
You took the call and talked to him. This is not a crisis. This is a decision on your part to take his call and the upheavel in your life is the consequence.
As Anvilhead said.. wish him well and get on with your life.
This is not a crisis. This is what addicts do.
You took the call and talked to him. This is not a crisis. This is a decision on your part to take his call and the upheavel in your life is the consequence.
As Anvilhead said.. wish him well and get on with your life.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I have no advice, however, I had this in my files, posting it for you.
Ten differences between being a Martyr or a Victim
1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation. Victims are people who are taken advantage of but are unaware of being treated as such. Once victims recognize that they are being treated unfairly, they have the choice of remaining in the situation or not. If they stay, they risk becoming martyrs.
2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way. Victims are individuals whose rights are ignored and abused but were unaware that they would be treated in this manner before they entered the situation.
3. Martyrs are people who let others know how unfairly they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position.Victims are people who let others know they have been treated unfairly. They have the chance to leave or change the situation in which they have been victimized. Victims often suffer silently for long periods of time before they are able to verbalize the unfairness of their life situations.
4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which their rights are violated or ignored. This ``setting up'' is like a prediction or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs play, fulfilling the prophecy. Victims often unknowingly set themselves up for continued abuse and violation of their rights. They are often confused and bewildered as to why this occurs. They lack insight into the actions that bring on this abuse.
5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice, and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and seem to be unable to resolve it. Victims frequently never seek help. They are often frustrated and lost as to what needs to be done to get them out of their current situation. Once victims have been offered help and make a conscious choice to remain stuck in their situation, they become martyrs.
6. Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering, nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing, and verbally putting down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them. Victims rarely let the people who are taking advantage of them know how they feel about this treatment.
7. Martyrs often believe it is their obligation to remain in their position in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable, habituated, or submissive to the situation and believe a change would be worse for them and for the others in their lives. Victims often want a change and are desperate for a solution to their situation. As soon as a victim gives in to a situation, choosing not to resolve or correct it, they become martyrs. The saying, ``If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem,'' applies to the martyr's state in life.
8. Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypic and habitual. They rarely change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them still suffering from the fate they were experiencing when you last talked to them. Victims experience their plight temporarily, get help, and are more apt to get out of the situation . If after getting help and changing, victims experience the same problems later, they could be martyrs at that time.
9. Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves, since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that there is no possibility of change. Victims usually are open and honest about their discomfort and willingly seek behavioral change. Their sincerity is easily perceived by others due to the actions and behavioral changes that take place.
10. Martyrs are ``professional'' help seekers. They make the rounds of paid and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants, anyone willing to listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the assistance, advice, or direction they are given. This frequently results in their ``helpers'' giving up on them in frustration and discouragement. Victims , on the other hand, seek help in a ``crisis'' only after the pressure of their problems becomes too great for them to bear. They are highly motivated for a ``change'' and are rewarding people to work with as they and their helpers witness the benefits of the help, advice, and direction given.
***************************************
I do not know who the author of this analogy is. I give credit to author unknown.
Ten differences between being a Martyr or a Victim
1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation. Victims are people who are taken advantage of but are unaware of being treated as such. Once victims recognize that they are being treated unfairly, they have the choice of remaining in the situation or not. If they stay, they risk becoming martyrs.
2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way. Victims are individuals whose rights are ignored and abused but were unaware that they would be treated in this manner before they entered the situation.
3. Martyrs are people who let others know how unfairly they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position.Victims are people who let others know they have been treated unfairly. They have the chance to leave or change the situation in which they have been victimized. Victims often suffer silently for long periods of time before they are able to verbalize the unfairness of their life situations.
4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which their rights are violated or ignored. This ``setting up'' is like a prediction or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs play, fulfilling the prophecy. Victims often unknowingly set themselves up for continued abuse and violation of their rights. They are often confused and bewildered as to why this occurs. They lack insight into the actions that bring on this abuse.
5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice, and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and seem to be unable to resolve it. Victims frequently never seek help. They are often frustrated and lost as to what needs to be done to get them out of their current situation. Once victims have been offered help and make a conscious choice to remain stuck in their situation, they become martyrs.
6. Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering, nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing, and verbally putting down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them. Victims rarely let the people who are taking advantage of them know how they feel about this treatment.
7. Martyrs often believe it is their obligation to remain in their position in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable, habituated, or submissive to the situation and believe a change would be worse for them and for the others in their lives. Victims often want a change and are desperate for a solution to their situation. As soon as a victim gives in to a situation, choosing not to resolve or correct it, they become martyrs. The saying, ``If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem,'' applies to the martyr's state in life.
8. Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypic and habitual. They rarely change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them still suffering from the fate they were experiencing when you last talked to them. Victims experience their plight temporarily, get help, and are more apt to get out of the situation . If after getting help and changing, victims experience the same problems later, they could be martyrs at that time.
9. Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves, since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that there is no possibility of change. Victims usually are open and honest about their discomfort and willingly seek behavioral change. Their sincerity is easily perceived by others due to the actions and behavioral changes that take place.
10. Martyrs are ``professional'' help seekers. They make the rounds of paid and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants, anyone willing to listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the assistance, advice, or direction they are given. This frequently results in their ``helpers'' giving up on them in frustration and discouragement. Victims , on the other hand, seek help in a ``crisis'' only after the pressure of their problems becomes too great for them to bear. They are highly motivated for a ``change'' and are rewarding people to work with as they and their helpers witness the benefits of the help, advice, and direction given.
***************************************
I do not know who the author of this analogy is. I give credit to author unknown.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I recall the first time I read this Dolly. I was sort of taken aback and a little (OK, not a little. a LOT) aghast.
I found some of me was a martyr.. and that was the last thing I wanted to be. Some of me was a victim and I did not want to be one of those either! It was one of those things that helped me hit the recovery road.
This is so excellent.
I found some of me was a martyr.. and that was the last thing I wanted to be. Some of me was a victim and I did not want to be one of those either! It was one of those things that helped me hit the recovery road.
This is so excellent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thank you all for your kind words and advice.
ABF did leave and as you all mentioned nothing I said or done could have controlled him. I mean I went REALLY into codie behavior -- called the rehab and left a message telling him to call me asap. (I mean - what was I thinking?!?!?)
He went to his mother's and his take was that they were not giving him the proper medication to help him with withdrawl claiming he was writhing on the bathroom floor for 12 hours throwing his guts up - (THAT is WHAT is suppose to happen!!.)
So, his mother, a former addictions counselor (works in my detriment sometimes) helped him find a place that was a level 1 in terms of treating chemical dependency as the facility he was just at was a level 3.
Blah. Blah. Blah. Excuses. Excuses.
Wow- I am a slow learner.
After this latest blow- I am really seeing that it is not helpful, but necessary for me to detach and focus on myself.
MY anger at him leaving his facility really was NOT something I should have attempted to push onto him - that was an attempt to control I think.
While it's easy to say - he will do what he will do- the hard part is emotionally disentangling myself from the outcome.
I felt so unstable yesterday that I am more convinced than ever that I must do whatever I need to do to work on myself and focus on what I can control, me.
ABF did leave and as you all mentioned nothing I said or done could have controlled him. I mean I went REALLY into codie behavior -- called the rehab and left a message telling him to call me asap. (I mean - what was I thinking?!?!?)
He went to his mother's and his take was that they were not giving him the proper medication to help him with withdrawl claiming he was writhing on the bathroom floor for 12 hours throwing his guts up - (THAT is WHAT is suppose to happen!!.)
So, his mother, a former addictions counselor (works in my detriment sometimes) helped him find a place that was a level 1 in terms of treating chemical dependency as the facility he was just at was a level 3.
Blah. Blah. Blah. Excuses. Excuses.
Wow- I am a slow learner.
After this latest blow- I am really seeing that it is not helpful, but necessary for me to detach and focus on myself.
MY anger at him leaving his facility really was NOT something I should have attempted to push onto him - that was an attempt to control I think.
While it's easy to say - he will do what he will do- the hard part is emotionally disentangling myself from the outcome.
I felt so unstable yesterday that I am more convinced than ever that I must do whatever I need to do to work on myself and focus on what I can control, me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Healther, I see such growth and strength in you these days, and I know you will make it through this.
It's hard to take our eye off the addict, but in the end watching their struggle leaves us stranded in our own. For so long I was frozen in fear, and confused by uncertainty, but one day at a time I was able to do what was right for me, and I prayed a lot too, and before long I found that life was livable again, no matter what was happening around me.
Hang in there, use your recovery tools and all the support you need, and just take it one day at a time.
Hugs
It's hard to take our eye off the addict, but in the end watching their struggle leaves us stranded in our own. For so long I was frozen in fear, and confused by uncertainty, but one day at a time I was able to do what was right for me, and I prayed a lot too, and before long I found that life was livable again, no matter what was happening around me.
Hang in there, use your recovery tools and all the support you need, and just take it one day at a time.
Hugs
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
So glad you are feeling better today. It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do................what matters is to take care of you. Thats all anyone can do including your ABF.
Hes gonna do what he wants to do no matter what anyone says or does.
Hes gonna do what he wants to do no matter what anyone says or does.
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