Needing some help...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Needing some help...
So it's been 3 days since I committed my boyfriend to a department of correction run treatment facility.
He's called his mother - but not me yet.
He called her this morning to tell her about the fights during the night and how he can't sleep. My first reaction was to cry - to have to think of my boyfriend, who, when sober, is very much a giant wimp, locked up with people fighting and threatening and throwing things - was awful.... He said he'd go anywhere - to find another treatment facility and he'd go... But to please, please just come get him out.
And, believe me - when she told me this - I wanted to. I was ready to start calling treatment centers and finding him a bed.
But then I thought about it. Is he more scared than I was last Friday when he was threatening to strangle me? (He never touched me - but he did scare me.) Is he more scared than I was when I heard he was driving around on so many pills he could barely see? Is he more scared than I was when I ran from the house and had to lock the doors to my car and drive away?
I dont' know - maybe he is. And I feel so awful for him - locked up behind 20 feet of chain link fence topped with razor wire. He's not a criminal. He's a sweet, loving, caring guy - when he's sober. And he's sober now. And he's scared.
But so was I. I was terrified when I had to call people to ask if they had a place for me to sleep because I couldn't go home. I was terrified when I went to the house the next day and he had DESTROYED my apartment - smashed picture frames, ripped up clothes, overturned drawers, emptied out closets. It's been almost a week (I can't believe it's been that long) and I'm still not done cleaning the mess. For two days I couldn't put my puppy down on the ground because I was afraid she'd cut herself on broken glass.
So maybe he should be scared. Maybe he should have a small taste of what last weekend was like for me. Maybe when that fight happened at the end of his bed, he knows what I felt like when he raised his fist and threatened to hit me.
Just maybe....
He's called his mother - but not me yet.
He called her this morning to tell her about the fights during the night and how he can't sleep. My first reaction was to cry - to have to think of my boyfriend, who, when sober, is very much a giant wimp, locked up with people fighting and threatening and throwing things - was awful.... He said he'd go anywhere - to find another treatment facility and he'd go... But to please, please just come get him out.
And, believe me - when she told me this - I wanted to. I was ready to start calling treatment centers and finding him a bed.
But then I thought about it. Is he more scared than I was last Friday when he was threatening to strangle me? (He never touched me - but he did scare me.) Is he more scared than I was when I heard he was driving around on so many pills he could barely see? Is he more scared than I was when I ran from the house and had to lock the doors to my car and drive away?
I dont' know - maybe he is. And I feel so awful for him - locked up behind 20 feet of chain link fence topped with razor wire. He's not a criminal. He's a sweet, loving, caring guy - when he's sober. And he's sober now. And he's scared.
But so was I. I was terrified when I had to call people to ask if they had a place for me to sleep because I couldn't go home. I was terrified when I went to the house the next day and he had DESTROYED my apartment - smashed picture frames, ripped up clothes, overturned drawers, emptied out closets. It's been almost a week (I can't believe it's been that long) and I'm still not done cleaning the mess. For two days I couldn't put my puppy down on the ground because I was afraid she'd cut herself on broken glass.
So maybe he should be scared. Maybe he should have a small taste of what last weekend was like for me. Maybe when that fight happened at the end of his bed, he knows what I felt like when he raised his fist and threatened to hit me.
Just maybe....
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Wow.
Good for you. It's obvious you care, but your bf needs some serious help. The abuse you have dealt with is not ok. You are doing the right thing, perhaps it is his time to be scared, or at least to deal with things on his own.
Good for you. It's obvious you care, but your bf needs some serious help. The abuse you have dealt with is not ok. You are doing the right thing, perhaps it is his time to be scared, or at least to deal with things on his own.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
He really is not that sweet, loving man right now. He is an addict and the only difference is that he is not free to go and use right now. Think of your fear to help keep you strong. And remember that addicts will promise you the moon, but they rarely deliver. Hugs, Marle
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Lets hope that this eye opening experience is as pivotal to him as your was to you.
He needs to know what the life he's chosen can lead to, before he considers better choices.
Its all part of the learning process.
My son was in a very rough and run down rehab. While i try not to speak for him, I can guarentee you this had an impact in that it gave him a glimpse of what his future held if he didn't start making changes.
Prayers that your BF had his eyes and ears wide open.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
He needs to know what the life he's chosen can lead to, before he considers better choices.
Its all part of the learning process.
My son was in a very rough and run down rehab. While i try not to speak for him, I can guarentee you this had an impact in that it gave him a glimpse of what his future held if he didn't start making changes.
Prayers that your BF had his eyes and ears wide open.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
this seems bad i know, and i certainly can't speak for you, and what you should do, but as for me, my as is 20 and has been battling this addiction for five years. five years of rehab, counseling, meetings, jail, court, etc. hes currently living in his truck somewhere using with a 15 year old girl whose parents and the sherriff are looking for. him doing this knowing he has a court date next week for drug charges. the cycle continues and maybe it always will. i cant' get a new son, but if i were in a situation like yours, i would get a new girlfriend/boyfriend.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
He is in a mental health facility. He is not in grave danger. If he is in a jail he is also not likely to be in grave danger. He just hates that he can't get to his drugs. Tough.
"A LITTLE Taste" of fear? Like you will go get him soon? He is fine where he is.
My X husband was in and out of mental facilities.. locked ones, for a few years. He had meals and a bed. He was fine.
Your BF is fine too.
"A LITTLE Taste" of fear? Like you will go get him soon? He is fine where he is.
My X husband was in and out of mental facilities.. locked ones, for a few years. He had meals and a bed. He was fine.
Your BF is fine too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
I know he's not in grave danger. Which is really why I'm ok with him being scared. Well, trying to be OK with it. I think we (being me and his family) are fortunate that he appears (now) to have wanted the help - based on some things he said, and some history. He does now, and always have, genuinely wanted a "normal" life, so I'm hoping we're at a starting point anyway. It was quite clear to his mother and I at Family Night that he's one of the lucky ones - he has family and a safe place to go when he's done. Out of 180 men, there were maybe 40 people there last night, average 2 people for every guy - you do the math. Hopefully he realizes that too.... Knowing him though (and yes, I knew him before his addiction issues took over as well), he will - once he's clear-headed.... I just hope I know him as well as I think I do...
Thanks again...
Thanks again...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Newcomer here is a hug for you and welcome to SR.
The first thing to do is take care of yourself and know that only he can make himself better, you and none of his family can do it for him. Hopefully he'll find his way to reality.
Good Luck
The first thing to do is take care of yourself and know that only he can make himself better, you and none of his family can do it for him. Hopefully he'll find his way to reality.
Good Luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I talked to him twice yesterday. The first time was hard - he was begging me to get him out, he'd go anywhere, any other treatment facility, this is prison (which I know it basically is), etc etc etc....
The second time was a little better. He called and said he had just talked to one of the Corrections Officers, and that if he does well there for 2 weeks that his mother and I could petition to have him transfered to a voluntary program. I have no intention of doing this - but I also know that to him, 30 days is an eternity right now. So, if he can see the light at the end of 2 weeks, I will let him think that for now. I know once he gets a counselor and starts treatment on Monday, he'll start to feel a little bit better. If the counselor calls me and recommends a transfer, fine - but I know that won't happen.
For now he thinks he can do another week and a half. At the end of that, I'm sure he'll think he can handle another two weeks. If that's what he needs to have hope right now, then that's what I'll give him.
I'm also working on HELPING him - not enabling him. He's worried about a warrant he has for not showing up to his arraignment next week. I've made the calls to the courts and police that the counselors have asked me to make. And I will send him the information he needs to be able to make the calls to find an attorney. But I will not make those calls. Nor will I pay for the attorney. He can either contact the legal aid office or he can work out a payment plan with an attorney.
I feel better after talking to him. Now that I know he doesn't hate me - he actually almost thanked me... He said he knows I did the right thing, I just sent him to the wrong place. And that's just after 3 days - I figure he can make even more progress than that in the next 27. He also said there is no pill in the world worth being where he is - which is at least a step in the right direction.
So at least I have some hope right now. Something to hold on to to get me through my day.
I dont think I said this before - but we're young. He's only 25 - I'm slightly older. We're planning on getting engaged and married soon, having kids shortly after that. Someone said to me the other day, that if we get through this, we've got the rest of our lives to enjoy together. That helped so much. I know if we can make it through this, there is no challenge in life we can't face. I know we will both always need support. We talked last night about us both going to meetings when he comes home. He is as supportive in me getting help as I am in him getting it. He knows how hurt I am, and that I'm going to need more than his "I'm sorry" to get past it this time.
I feel so lucky to have someone who, when sober, can be so level headed and understanding. Someone who understands that I also need support to recover - not just him.
I hope that person was right - and that once we've both gotten the help we need to get through this, we're going to have a wonderful life together.
Thank you so much...
I talked to him twice yesterday. The first time was hard - he was begging me to get him out, he'd go anywhere, any other treatment facility, this is prison (which I know it basically is), etc etc etc....
The second time was a little better. He called and said he had just talked to one of the Corrections Officers, and that if he does well there for 2 weeks that his mother and I could petition to have him transfered to a voluntary program. I have no intention of doing this - but I also know that to him, 30 days is an eternity right now. So, if he can see the light at the end of 2 weeks, I will let him think that for now. I know once he gets a counselor and starts treatment on Monday, he'll start to feel a little bit better. If the counselor calls me and recommends a transfer, fine - but I know that won't happen.
For now he thinks he can do another week and a half. At the end of that, I'm sure he'll think he can handle another two weeks. If that's what he needs to have hope right now, then that's what I'll give him.
I'm also working on HELPING him - not enabling him. He's worried about a warrant he has for not showing up to his arraignment next week. I've made the calls to the courts and police that the counselors have asked me to make. And I will send him the information he needs to be able to make the calls to find an attorney. But I will not make those calls. Nor will I pay for the attorney. He can either contact the legal aid office or he can work out a payment plan with an attorney.
I feel better after talking to him. Now that I know he doesn't hate me - he actually almost thanked me... He said he knows I did the right thing, I just sent him to the wrong place. And that's just after 3 days - I figure he can make even more progress than that in the next 27. He also said there is no pill in the world worth being where he is - which is at least a step in the right direction.
So at least I have some hope right now. Something to hold on to to get me through my day.
I dont think I said this before - but we're young. He's only 25 - I'm slightly older. We're planning on getting engaged and married soon, having kids shortly after that. Someone said to me the other day, that if we get through this, we've got the rest of our lives to enjoy together. That helped so much. I know if we can make it through this, there is no challenge in life we can't face. I know we will both always need support. We talked last night about us both going to meetings when he comes home. He is as supportive in me getting help as I am in him getting it. He knows how hurt I am, and that I'm going to need more than his "I'm sorry" to get past it this time.
I feel so lucky to have someone who, when sober, can be so level headed and understanding. Someone who understands that I also need support to recover - not just him.
I hope that person was right - and that once we've both gotten the help we need to get through this, we're going to have a wonderful life together.
Thank you so much...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
he should be greatful he is not in prison.that is where he would be going next time if he did not get clean & stay clean & he threatened me like he has you. i hope this works for him.i will say another prayer for you both,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
Thank you - we both could use a few extra prayers I think. We've got a long hard road ahead of us. It's scary not knowing what is to come. I miss him so much - everything about him. Well - maybe not everything.
It was one week ago tonight - probably right about this time too - that I had to run out of my house. I can't believe a week has gone by already. How does each day seem to take so long, but yet a week go by so fast?
I did really good with not crying today, but being home alone, and not even being able to talk to him, on a Friday night is hard. This was our time together. Some weekends we'd get into bed on Friday night and just watch movies and TV til we had to get up on Monday morning. I have a few things to do this weekend to keep me busy, but it's going to be hard. I know he needs the help, and I want that for him - but being away from him for 30 days is so hard. I keep telling myself - it could be worse. I could have planned a wake this week instead of attending a commitment hearing. He could be gone forever, and these letters I write him would never be read. It helps, a little, but it still doesn't keep me warm at night. Until last Friday, we hadn't gone a night apart in over 6 months. Let alone a week apart.
I just want him to come home...
It was one week ago tonight - probably right about this time too - that I had to run out of my house. I can't believe a week has gone by already. How does each day seem to take so long, but yet a week go by so fast?
I did really good with not crying today, but being home alone, and not even being able to talk to him, on a Friday night is hard. This was our time together. Some weekends we'd get into bed on Friday night and just watch movies and TV til we had to get up on Monday morning. I have a few things to do this weekend to keep me busy, but it's going to be hard. I know he needs the help, and I want that for him - but being away from him for 30 days is so hard. I keep telling myself - it could be worse. I could have planned a wake this week instead of attending a commitment hearing. He could be gone forever, and these letters I write him would never be read. It helps, a little, but it still doesn't keep me warm at night. Until last Friday, we hadn't gone a night apart in over 6 months. Let alone a week apart.
I just want him to come home...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Newcomer I know how you feel. I called the cops on my BF when he came over here drunk a few weeks ago and was banging on the door and throwing stuff at my house at 2:30am. I had asked him to leave and he started to throw a tantrum so I called the police (he has been getting more and more violent with his outbursts--hasn't gotten physical with me but has started breaking things and calling me names when he's drunk). He tried to leave and they nabbed him for a DUI--his 4th. So he of course was FURIOUS with me at first. He is in jail for 90 days now. He goes back and forth between blaming me for calling the cops and blaming himself for driving drunk. (still doesn't think he has a problem tho'!) I broke up with him last Sunday becuase I found out he was seeing another girl the last few weeks we were together and that was the last straw for me (he denies it of course and quite honestly I can't prove it but I'm tired of his lies and his suspicious behavior). I still miss him terribly. I worry about him. He was so sick about having to go back to jail. He was shaking and throwing up the night before and was sick for the whole 2 weeks before he went in. (that's how I would get knowing he was out drinking and wondering if he was going to show up in the middle of the night and throw a tantrum--it made me ill!) I don't know what happens in jail--never been there. But I agree when you said they may be scared but maybe they'll get a taste of what they put US through by scaring US. I doubt they'll even make the connection but its nice to think they might.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I know it is difficult and addiction is an unbelievably cunning and baffling disease. You witnessed what the disease can do...how it can make a good person a raving mad man. When times are particulrly difficult, I find thinking about or listing all the things I am grateful for helps me to not start feeling too sorry for myself. I see you are doing that too...you may feel lonely but you are grateful your BF is alive and has an opportunity to embrace recovery.
There's no easy or quick fixes to addiction...it is a progressive family disease. I hope that while he is getting the help he needs, you can find yourself some Naranon or Alanon meetings to help you too. Hugs and prayers for both of you.
There's no easy or quick fixes to addiction...it is a progressive family disease. I hope that while he is getting the help he needs, you can find yourself some Naranon or Alanon meetings to help you too. Hugs and prayers for both of you.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by Newcomer
Out of 180 men, there were maybe 40 people there last night, average 2 people for every guy - you do the math. Hopefully he realizes that too....
Sometimes family support is not all it is cracked up to be especially not in the minds of an addict/alcoholic...
I have found that often it is not drugs and alcohol that make someone violent....don't kid yourself about his violent outburst....
Ain't it amazing what an alcoholic/addict will say in hopes that they can get someone to bail them out of their difficulty. What is even more amazing is what we will believe coming from someone that has just destroyed our home and tried to hurt us.....
Knowing what I know now I would never let someone like him come to my home after having done something like you have described...he sounds pretty dangerous to me and he has 30 days to sit around and plot his revenge I can feel the rage...look out honey...Don't you believe a word he says. I am sorry but, I seriously doubt that 30 days is enough time for someone committing that kind of act to be alright with the world. If you were my daughter I would have you put away before I would let you marry that guy...I know my words may seem strong. I have never known anyone to have that kind of outburst only once...
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
I was thinking that very same thing...please be careful. I think there is a sticky somewhere about warning flags of abusive partners. I along with lots of other women have learned it first hand.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Newcomer,
Wishing you luck, and love, and strength, and peace of mind.
You are obviously very young, but you feel what you feel. I just need to point out to you that this is a man who threatened to strangle you, who destroyed your possessions, trashed your house, and might have killed you, your puppy, etc., if he'd had just a little more of his chemical of choice in his bloodstream. And you "can't wait for him to get home."
Think hard about this. Splendra's words are sharp but she speaks from experience: this will NOT be the last time this happens. Only a deeply troubled person does that, clean OR sober, and I worry for your safety even as I know you're not listening.
I encourage you to listen to the people in your life who are (or should be) suggesting that you be with him sober for at least a couple of years before you make a decision like marriage to an addict. Let alone have children. Whether or not you want to hear it, your boyfriend will ALWAYS be an addict.....the only question is whether he will always have his addiction under control or not. Forever. If you'd had a baby in the house when he had his violent tantrum...what then? If he were your sole source of economic support and you were tied to him to survive, what then?
Think hard, be careful, and get all the information you can. All of us here have said, "but my boyfriend/husband/lover is DIFFERENT from the rest". And all of us have been wrong. Addiction is what addiction is.
Love, hugs, and strength,
GiveLove
Wishing you luck, and love, and strength, and peace of mind.
You are obviously very young, but you feel what you feel. I just need to point out to you that this is a man who threatened to strangle you, who destroyed your possessions, trashed your house, and might have killed you, your puppy, etc., if he'd had just a little more of his chemical of choice in his bloodstream. And you "can't wait for him to get home."
Think hard about this. Splendra's words are sharp but she speaks from experience: this will NOT be the last time this happens. Only a deeply troubled person does that, clean OR sober, and I worry for your safety even as I know you're not listening.
I encourage you to listen to the people in your life who are (or should be) suggesting that you be with him sober for at least a couple of years before you make a decision like marriage to an addict. Let alone have children. Whether or not you want to hear it, your boyfriend will ALWAYS be an addict.....the only question is whether he will always have his addiction under control or not. Forever. If you'd had a baby in the house when he had his violent tantrum...what then? If he were your sole source of economic support and you were tied to him to survive, what then?
Think hard, be careful, and get all the information you can. All of us here have said, "but my boyfriend/husband/lover is DIFFERENT from the rest". And all of us have been wrong. Addiction is what addiction is.
Love, hugs, and strength,
GiveLove
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I wish you would ask his mom how she would feel about "her" daughter going back to this guy...
The way I see it is that you have 2 weeks to make a plan to get yourself out of harms way.
I could hardly sleep last night thinking about you. If you have told him you were scared that only adds fuel to the fire...
I hope you will seek domestic violence counseling. I am pretty sure he was thinking about you when he broke all your stuff... Please see the reality. You really don't deserve this. I am sure you could find someone to treat you much better.
The way I see it is that you have 2 weeks to make a plan to get yourself out of harms way.
I could hardly sleep last night thinking about you. If you have told him you were scared that only adds fuel to the fire...
I hope you will seek domestic violence counseling. I am pretty sure he was thinking about you when he broke all your stuff... Please see the reality. You really don't deserve this. I am sure you could find someone to treat you much better.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I just want him to come home...
I pray that you don't.
(((hugs)))
My sponsor is always telling me... "Don't get in God's way." I have a very smart sponsor ....smile.
I wish you well.
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