I am a waffle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
I am a waffle
15 minutes ago --seriously, just 15 MINUTES ago - I was done with him. My AS flipped out in car as he is driving me to work (a whole other story in itself) because the tire is flat and I told him to drive slowly. Curses, hands in the air, whaddayawantfromme, etc etc etc.
Get air in the tire, then: he forgot his suboxone. more drama. "I am going to be dope sick all day!"No way he could go back to 2.5 miles to the house to fetch it. I offer to take a cab (not so much codie at this point than just not being able to bear being in the same car with im) he ignores, drives on (i am still in car, waiting for his cab offer response (!))
at work, i say, take it to firestone when you get off. his rpely: I will be vomiting by the time I get off.
To put this in context:
About 6 days ago, I was close to being hospitalized. I can deal with his stuff, or my stuff, or my work stuff, or the rest of the world stuff, but not all four at once. I directly ask him: I need your help around the house. I need mostly for you to work on your own life.
Now, if he had still been using, that would be spitting in the wind. But he was on suboxone, so i thought, perhaps he is "there" enough to hear me.
But noooooooooooo. Of course. The junkie mind, without the junk.
Even if he had responded, in some way positively, he would still need to be out of my house. Even if he had followed through on the seven items he agreed to 6 weeks ago as a prerequisite to staying, he would still need to go. He has NEVER gotten sober and stayed sober while living with a parent. And he is an adult, after all - 22-- floundering around in his own drama. Yech.
Oh, and: he should not be horribly sick from not being on suboxone by now. Unless he is using it to not be sick during the day while he uses at night.
Oh, and: he was acting oddly last night.
So when I get out of the car, having been thinking about this and talking about this with my very, very patient therapist ( 30-some years of recovery) for several weeks, I had the plan: One month. (sooner if he @$^%*&() up.)
Start a new bank account. Make sure he does not have access to my car. Lots of anon meetings. Lots of phone calls for support. Plug into these forums like an IV drip!
So, here's the question.
Why, 15 minutes after getting out of the car, was I thinking: maybe I did yell at him? Everyone gets mad sometimes. I know he's leery about being late for work ( cause he nearly lost his job after doing the junkie bit) so irritation is natural.
And if I am waffling now, how the heck can i make sure I am striong enough to do this 8 hours from now?
Strength, hope, experiences: I sure could use all of ya'lls right now....this community. Don;t know what I would do without you....
Get air in the tire, then: he forgot his suboxone. more drama. "I am going to be dope sick all day!"No way he could go back to 2.5 miles to the house to fetch it. I offer to take a cab (not so much codie at this point than just not being able to bear being in the same car with im) he ignores, drives on (i am still in car, waiting for his cab offer response (!))
at work, i say, take it to firestone when you get off. his rpely: I will be vomiting by the time I get off.
To put this in context:
About 6 days ago, I was close to being hospitalized. I can deal with his stuff, or my stuff, or my work stuff, or the rest of the world stuff, but not all four at once. I directly ask him: I need your help around the house. I need mostly for you to work on your own life.
Now, if he had still been using, that would be spitting in the wind. But he was on suboxone, so i thought, perhaps he is "there" enough to hear me.
But noooooooooooo. Of course. The junkie mind, without the junk.
Even if he had responded, in some way positively, he would still need to be out of my house. Even if he had followed through on the seven items he agreed to 6 weeks ago as a prerequisite to staying, he would still need to go. He has NEVER gotten sober and stayed sober while living with a parent. And he is an adult, after all - 22-- floundering around in his own drama. Yech.
Oh, and: he should not be horribly sick from not being on suboxone by now. Unless he is using it to not be sick during the day while he uses at night.
Oh, and: he was acting oddly last night.
So when I get out of the car, having been thinking about this and talking about this with my very, very patient therapist ( 30-some years of recovery) for several weeks, I had the plan: One month. (sooner if he @$^%*&() up.)
Start a new bank account. Make sure he does not have access to my car. Lots of anon meetings. Lots of phone calls for support. Plug into these forums like an IV drip!
So, here's the question.
Why, 15 minutes after getting out of the car, was I thinking: maybe I did yell at him? Everyone gets mad sometimes. I know he's leery about being late for work ( cause he nearly lost his job after doing the junkie bit) so irritation is natural.
And if I am waffling now, how the heck can i make sure I am striong enough to do this 8 hours from now?
Strength, hope, experiences: I sure could use all of ya'lls right now....this community. Don;t know what I would do without you....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I'm a waffler too.
If this would have happened in my home, son would have returned from work, apologized, I would have said "never again" and it would most likely happen again the next time he felt the urge.
He is better now off the drugs, but at 22 I still need my son out on his own.
I now try to walk away...I won't play ball. He's not so irrational anymore that he doesn't get the message.
Maybe "you" could drive and if he gets hot under the coller, pull over and show him the door. There's a strange thing that happens in the car in that the driver is in control. Yep...take the "wheel"
Hope things brighten for you on all fronts.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
If this would have happened in my home, son would have returned from work, apologized, I would have said "never again" and it would most likely happen again the next time he felt the urge.
He is better now off the drugs, but at 22 I still need my son out on his own.
I now try to walk away...I won't play ball. He's not so irrational anymore that he doesn't get the message.
Maybe "you" could drive and if he gets hot under the coller, pull over and show him the door. There's a strange thing that happens in the car in that the driver is in control. Yep...take the "wheel"
Hope things brighten for you on all fronts.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I guess this is a good example of why we don't do "all or nothing" type boundaries.
They may be the "right" thing to do... but they are just too hard.
Most of us have to sneak up on a boundary ... come in from the blind side.
Perhaps you can move into a second bedroom for a while.
Maybe just be "out" for every evening for a while...meetings, friends, library.
Finding smaller ways to separate yourself from the chaos... while still carrying out the plan you listed (which is a good one, by the way)... might be the best you can do right now.
Usually, my best is good enough.
(((Nitelite))))
They may be the "right" thing to do... but they are just too hard.
Most of us have to sneak up on a boundary ... come in from the blind side.
Perhaps you can move into a second bedroom for a while.
Maybe just be "out" for every evening for a while...meetings, friends, library.
Finding smaller ways to separate yourself from the chaos... while still carrying out the plan you listed (which is a good one, by the way)... might be the best you can do right now.
Usually, my best is good enough.
(((Nitelite))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Securing your assets is not waffling. I recommend that everyone always maintain their own bank account regardless of the state of their relationship. It's just the pragmatic/prophylactic thing to do.
IMHO
IMHO
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((NiteLite))))
I swear, sometimes I think they're all from another planet. Clones!
My as use to act the same way with me. Sending support, prayers,
and a whole lot of "I've been there's".
Mom hugs,
Linda
I swear, sometimes I think they're all from another planet. Clones!
My as use to act the same way with me. Sending support, prayers,
and a whole lot of "I've been there's".
Mom hugs,
Linda
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
Bookmiser, I agree, they must be from another planet. Either that, or they kidnapped my son and replaced him with JunkieJosh.
Five days from being tossed out on the street, here's what my 22 yr old had offered to do...independent of me:
Get on suboxone, go to mtgs 4x a week; stay in touch with his sponsor, get therapy and anti-depressants, conduct himself in a civilized manner, call his college to see whether he had money to re-register, save cash for a car, share household responsibilities, keep a job.
Here's what he has done:
Get on suboxone, keep his job. These are big, basic things.
Still...Given his depression, his anger and his decision to not attend meetings, it's just a matter of time before he starts using again. Walking into his room, I saw him shoot up once. I don't ever want to see it again.
As a mom, it has always been my job to "take the bullet"--keep my children from harm at any cost.
But I don't think I can help him anymore. Nothing I have done has encouraged him to reconsider school. It was only the threat of being tossed out that generated the suboxone rx. He has a job. He could get a room-mate in an apt near his job until he figures out what to do when he grows up. Which could be a decade from now.
He might last that long, but I don't know if I will. Thx to all......
Five days from being tossed out on the street, here's what my 22 yr old had offered to do...independent of me:
Get on suboxone, go to mtgs 4x a week; stay in touch with his sponsor, get therapy and anti-depressants, conduct himself in a civilized manner, call his college to see whether he had money to re-register, save cash for a car, share household responsibilities, keep a job.
Here's what he has done:
Get on suboxone, keep his job. These are big, basic things.
Still...Given his depression, his anger and his decision to not attend meetings, it's just a matter of time before he starts using again. Walking into his room, I saw him shoot up once. I don't ever want to see it again.
As a mom, it has always been my job to "take the bullet"--keep my children from harm at any cost.
But I don't think I can help him anymore. Nothing I have done has encouraged him to reconsider school. It was only the threat of being tossed out that generated the suboxone rx. He has a job. He could get a room-mate in an apt near his job until he figures out what to do when he grows up. Which could be a decade from now.
He might last that long, but I don't know if I will. Thx to all......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
A year ago on Monday is when my daughter went back to heavy using. The three months prior to that I had some real hope. So, of course, hubby and I caught her up on her rent and all her bills. She enrolled for the fall at CMU and we put down the $500 dorm deposit, started filling out forms for parent financial aid and some for her too. Then she enrolled in two classes at the local community college so that she could get a transfer scholarship. Everything in place right? Wrong. She decided that she wanted to go back to the abf that we had saved her from. She finished one of the community college classes. I had to drop her out of the other one to get my refund. She could not click the drop button on the internet site because it would mean she is a failure WTF!!! We lost the $500 dorm deposit and since I was co-signed on another $5000 loan that she decided to default on, I was out $5000 too. What did I learn from this lesson. That you CANNOT count on an addict's promises. They really don't care. Promises are just a smoke screen to them. Used to get what they want at the moment and to hell with what happens in the future. If my daughter ever wants college, guess who is not paying for it. If my daughter wants a good life, guess who is not paying for it. If my daugher wants suboxone or rehab or her own apartment or whatever, guess who is not paying for it. And guess who is never living in my house again. Sorry to be so longwinded. But I guess you get the point
Anyway, maybe time to let your son experience the real world and let him see what will happen if he takes that nasty attitude with people who don't give a sh*t about him. Maybe he will learn to treat you with respect. Hugs, Marle
Anyway, maybe time to let your son experience the real world and let him see what will happen if he takes that nasty attitude with people who don't give a sh*t about him. Maybe he will learn to treat you with respect. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
yes, its true, i am french toast, when it comes to my as i have been scrambled, burned, rolled over and syruped. don't be so hard on yourself, everyone's done it(does it) at some point in time. only the strongest in here don't do it anymore. as for me it will probably be a long time, and much work to aquire that kind of strength.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
ha! we've gone from waffles to pancakes to french toast in 15 posts.
i hope this is helping you, nitelite - we do have to keep a sense of humor..
k
i hope this is helping you, nitelite - we do have to keep a sense of humor..
k
Last edited by parentrecovers; 06-21-2007 at 11:49 AM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 285
I'm a poached egg! LOL My as is still at home clean since about 5/9, had a job all week and just decided it was too stressful and quit. I think he's having trouble dealing with the stresses of learning a new job in a normal head. He thought me and my husband were going to be mad about quitting, but I'm not saying a word. He has a roof over his head and food on the table, which is plenty. If he wants a social life, or a car or anything else he'll either have to sit on his butt, or go look for another job. I'm not pushing it. For right now, I'm just thankful he's not using. I'm tired of being a codie, but sometimes I can't help myself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Our addicts know exactly which buttons to push to make US feel guilty or second guess our actions. Don't fall for it. Stay strong. It's not you! Just keep the pecans out of the waffles. It'll make you "nutty".
I care.
Washbe
I care.
Washbe
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