laketime

i like loves i believe i am a validation junkie. this detaching with love, seems so unnatural. hes my child, ive always been able to fix it for him, its taking me a long time, a little at a time to realize i can't. thats what i crave, someone telling me im doing the right things. because to a parent they don't feel right. but we struggle to persevere, day by day, hour by hour, i hope everyones right , and in the end he finds his recovery. i like what big sis says, my emotional learning is behind my intellectual learning. in my case, that hits the nail on the head. but im trusting in god and the experience of others, thats all we can do.

GiveLove

Great thread, Elana. I too have paddled in this pool.

I woke up to it one year when a friend said to me, "Why is it that every time we hang out together, you've always got some kind of emotional crisis going on?" I couldn't handle that kind of honesty at the time, and broke off that friendship. My sadness and self-pity defined me, and I got validation through sharing my inner pain with people. It was what made me feel better, made me feel listened-to.

But that came at a cost, I came to learn. I would release tension by telling people my tales of woe, my self-hatred, my crises, my dilemmas. And then, the tension released, the endorphin rush of validation in my bloodstream, I wouldn't actually DO anything about the situation that had put me there.

I'll explain it a different way, because I don't think I can describe it well: as a writer, when I'm creating something, there's a purpose to creative tension, to keeping the story inside for a while rather than telling my family and friends all about my project, how the story has gone, how it's going to go. TALKING about it releases the tension, and absolves me of actually having to sit down and DO the work of writing it. Creative tension has a purpose: it drives you to the desk to sit down and do the work.

I found that the more I complained about how awful my inner life was, the less likely I was do actually physically do something about it. The validation was more gratifying than the solution to the problem. And that kept me locked in terrible situations for a long time.

So I will still come to SR and spill my pain from time to time, but I only grant myself a little break here, to make sure I'm heard and that people care. Then it's time to do the hard work of changing my life to make the pain go away.

That's just my thing; all folks are different.

Hugs to all
GiveLove

cece1960

I find this VERY interesting...well said, thank you

ncdeac

Gosh, this one is a toughie.

For me it was about the attention. I can so vividly remember times when my AH would be out on a multiple day bender and actually thinking about how "good I was going to have it for a while" once he got home. He would dote on me, beg me for forgiveness, pamper me and basically put me on a pedastal. I felt like it almost "payment" from him for all the pain and suffering he was causing me, validation of "victimhood".

It was a tough cycle to break. I never realized how "sick" I was. I was so focused on him, blaming him, punishing him, threatening him...him, him, him!!! Once I put some focus on me, and saw how great that felt, I still made tons of mistakes regarding him, but that cycle of pain, victim, punishment, validation, etc. never happened again. He would try and I would had none of it. Once I put myself first I could never take the back seat again. That wasn't the beginning of his recovery, but it sure was the beginning of mine.

hbb

Thank you everone for your thoughts in this, i am a newcomer crushed and beyond sad for my bf that is (hopefully) sober 6 months today and has pushed me out of his life right now and i'm the one and ONLY one that has supported him for 6 months of the 9 we have been together. I do find i come here for comfort and to feel a little better to get through the day. The past 2-3 weeks for me have been devisatating and it's not over, he wants to still take a "break" and i hold on hoping it will all turn around.......i admit i am in the midst of a pity party and can't deal. Ann, your thread was amazing and i thank you for that. Good topic too.

CatsPajamas

This has been one of the most amazing threads I've read in awhile - all sharing their experience, strength and hope without judging or criticizing.

Thanks, all of you. This is how it's supposed to work !

Cats

cinderellawkids

I think alot of this post goes hand in hand with my growth post, you wake up one day realixing youno longer need the validation and acceptance cause it was /is all around you for the taking

raerae6

I think a lot of times it is just a habit...habits are hard to break. It also keeps the codie from acting, like someone else said..it takes a while to get 'unstuck' from the familiar way of dealing with things...

it's a lot easier to complain than to find a solution and act on it. That means change and change is hard.

That's the best I can come up with....

dollydo

I was a victim for awhile, although I never expressed the details to anyone, until I joined this board. The old timers here straightened me out real quick, and for that I am greatful, their wisdom and advice gave me the strength to toss his butt out, forever.

I was on a mission from God, and they were the angels who guided me.

Great post, thanks!

Ann

I find this thread awesome, and the sharing here really touches my heart.

I just reread it all again after working today, and yet another thought passed through my codie mind...our life before recovery IS a drama. Really.

I'm going to list just a few of the "drama's" I lived through, not share about them because I did that all back then and no longer need to, so without emotion I give you a brief peek into what my life was...

I was lied to, stolen from, put in a dangerous situation many times, had drugs in my house (unknowingly), stolen goods in my garage and phone calls from hell.

I had the police at my door, spend days on end in court and visited a jail so creepy and frightening that I never went back.

I spent thousands of dollars trying to keep him off the street when all I really did was buy his drug that kept him there.

I attended overdoses and raced to the hospital behind the ambulance hoping he didn't die before I could say goodbye. I made deals with God that I could never keep and made deals with the devil because I was already in hell.

I stood at a crackhouse door and threatened to kick it down if they didn't bring my son to the door. I'm not a big lady and dislike violence, but I would have done it. They must have known because he came out.

And today I have no idea where he is, it's almost 3 years since I've heard a word. I gave my son to God a long time ago asking Him to do what I could not, and I live each day renewing that trust.

Drama? You betcha! Tell a Normie this and they would think I exaggerate. Tell MGM Studio's this and they'd say it's too unreal and would never sell. But it's the drama most of us here have lived. Maybe the scenes were different, but the outcome was the same...we lost ourselves in the insanity.

I am grateful today that I can tell this without emotion, without crumpling into a fetal position on the floor. I can tell this and let you know that today my days are filled with beauty, I live as God intended...healthy, happy and with love in my heart.

The only reason I share my story is for the newcomer. The oldtimers have heard it all before, but the newcomer may read it and know that the lady who is at such peace with life today came here exhausted and beaten, scared and tired, just like most newcomers do when they limp through the door. And it may give them hope that one day the pain will end for them too.

Drama? Sure we have drama, but we also have the promise of happy endings...no matter how our addicts make out. That's what kept me coming back.

Love you all for letting me share my drama, now and when I needed your support.

Hugs

cinderellawkids

Thanks ANn, thats so true the drama weve experienced MGM studios would think was unreal, as I think back at the site I was pregnant banging on crack motel doors, no wonder why the managers always offerd to let me in, today I cant even imagine wating the time

dollydo

See guys, the wisdom of an old timer, that's what saved me!

Thanks Ann, my twinnie!

Ann

Twinnie Dolly, the wisdom I have today was passed to me by those who went before me and I can show my gratitude only by passing it on to those who follow. One codie sharing with another...that's how this program works, and it surely works here at SR.

Hugs

raerae6

Drama..ah yes, I don't miss the drama...mostly due to my exabf's family members, many of whom are also having chemical addiction issues...

His bro-in law breaking into my bathroom window and waving a gun around, and tackling my ex trying to fight.

His brother starting fights

His friend starting a fight with the ex...the ex smashing all his car windows
His baby's mom calling me all night (spun on meth) insulting me because she wanted to get back with him...then apologizing, then calling back nasty again...etc.....

My apt. broken into by dealer the ex ripped off..

agh!!...that's enough for now!!!

dollydo

Yes, on SR that's how it works.

On the wings of an angel I fly!