Open Convo/Feelings to BF in rehab

Old 06-20-2007, 04:44 PM
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Open Convo/Feelings to BF in rehab

Felt like posting this open ended convo for comments/suggestions.

When you called me today and told me that you wanted to leave I immediately began fretting. Which proves to be insane since I had spent the past two days obsessing and worrying if your new life would include me in it. I am terrified that you will stop loving me. After all of this? It makes me feel very pathetic.

I told you that this is your addiction trying to cling on for dear life and listened to you. Usually what happens is that you are unsure/upset and need someone to be strong and you turn to me and I am always looking to you to validate and be strong and it just fails. Today when I got off the phone with you I just cried, because I feel so alone. You are going to talk to a counselor but who is there to talk to me? I feel so broken and insecure.

My emotions are all over the place. I keep thinking- after all of this- all that you have put me through- the lies, betrayl and broken trust- I am still here for you. I wonder if you appreciate me or after all of this will you even change and want a life with me? There is absolutely no trust in our relationship. Trust is the glue that holds things together. It's hard to be there for someone when they have been absent from your life for so long.

I am in alot of emotional pain. I live in fear and insecurity and anxiety. I am not even sure why. I do not know who I am or what my life is without all of this. It is scary for me now. I can't help but obsess. I feel so wounded.
That you do not care about me or love me. I am trying to piece my life back together and be supportive of you and your recovery but, where is my support? I still have a tremendous amount of anger, betrayal and broken trust to account for... and further extending myself when it feels so unsafe is really messing me up. How to set a boundary...?

I do not know what to do. I feel anger at myself for what I have dealt with and how long I have endured. I feel pathetic. I feel I am not strong and am now dealing with this because I cannot love in a healthy way that protects me because I do not believe myself worthy of that. How do you protect someone you do not even value or deem to be worthy by just existing? Always seeking that validation in others- to right the innate wrong seared into me since my creation.
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:15 PM
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Hi Heather, I think it is great to get your feelings out in writing...I find journaling very healing. It's a good idea to share these thoughts here since such a conversation isn't possible to have with your BF now while he is trying to hang onto to finding recovery and needs to focus completely on that.

I often write things out and then throw them away...It's good for me and helps me to sort through emotions. Hugs
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:39 PM
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Greeteachday- Thank you.

I am having a hard time discerning what if any boundaries I need to make to take care of myself and more importantly feeling like I deserve to make them. I know all this silliness about not feeling like we deserve something- is just that- silliness, but it FEELS so real.
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Old 06-20-2007, 09:30 PM
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Journaling my feelings helps me, too. It is good to be able to take a look back at where we have been when he are trying to decide where we are going.
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