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ultimatims..am i doing the wrong thing

Old 06-20-2007, 01:41 PM
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my MIL sent me an email that says she knows im hurting but think about how my ah must feel-he is like a homeless person..he cant see his children when he wants to and he cant come to his own house....
and what--that is MY fault??? he did this.he made the choices, not me...
she is an italian catholic and is totally against divorce. she just keeps telling me he has gotten the message now and she hopes i can forgive him. if he got the message, wouldnt he be going through treatment of some kind?? maybe he got the message that im not going to tolerate his treatment of me...
im sure he wants to stop using and is trying....and i really wish i could believe him...but the trust is just not there..and that has to be earned....and what about my feelings?? HE wants to come back and live in the house...well, my rights have been violated...what about my feelings..what about what i need and want???
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Old 06-20-2007, 02:01 PM
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This is said with much love and I don't mean to sound harsh, but....

Why do you keep reading all these e-mails?? Stop letting others try and influence you. It is not his mom's place to be telling you he has changed. She is acting just as co-dependent as you are. The only person that can show he has made a change is him, and that can not happen over night. It will take time, a long time. These day to day e-mails are futile.
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Old 06-20-2007, 02:03 PM
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Look on your email ...there should be a button that says BLOCK...you can block emails from people you don't want.
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Old 06-20-2007, 02:31 PM
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Drained...I understand why you are feeling this limbo of not knowing for sure which way you should go. I've been there because when I divorced my husband I did it with love in my heart still beating strong for him....still does. He said a lot of things to me that made me feel guilty....made me feel unsure of my decisions....but it all affected me because I allowed it to. Because I made room for him to manipulate my emotions. It is tough to metaphorically fight through the garbage...the quacking and the manipulation. But it is possible. Find the time to have some quiet contemplation where you are listening to your own mind and heart. Figure out what is best for you.

As far as the ultimatums...I've given them...it is a kind of control and there is just no way no matter how much you try...to control the actions of another human being. I ultimatumed my husband into rehab twice...meetings...outpatient. They never had any lasting effect because the stints weren't meaningful to him. I too, at the time, thought he would "get it" just by being there.

The simplest way I could put it is...every lesson you learned as a teenager and as an adult, think to yourself, was it learned from the advice of others or learned from your own actions and consequences? Did you defy the advice from your parents only to learn later that they were right because you again took action against their advice and suffered a consequence? Same with addicts. They need to make the decision on their own and even when it is made on their own recovery is tough on them. I never whole heartedly did something from the advice of my parents because it wasn't what I wanted to do. Eventually I ended up doing what I wanted to do and ended up paying for it one way or another.

This is why....
Release yourself from his addiction. Allow yourself to do what is best for you and live life and at the same time let him live his and figure out his own path.
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Old 06-20-2007, 03:07 PM
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Everyone has made some excellent points. If he was serious he would already be in treatment. And if his Mother doesnt want him to be homeless she can let him stay at her house.

I would also like to point out that your daughter saw him attack you and tried to stop him. What if you let him move back and something happens to you when shes not there. Kids think everything pertains to them. I see a little girl thinking its her fault you got hurt or worse because SHE wasnt there.
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Old 06-20-2007, 03:35 PM
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duet said it so well....quadruple ditto. And MeggieStar made some very good points!

He USED your daughter with that common and abusive tactic of maybe we could all go to the movies. He HURT her by doing that. He doesn't care who he hurts or who he uses. This is just more abuse.

If he respected you at all....he would back off and give you the space and time you have asked for and even made legal.

I know you would really like to believe him but you can't. He is still just trying to get back in control, that is ALL it is.

If he succeeds...you haven't seen nothing yet as far as the abuse goes, he will have just climbed up a few more notches. And he will take all of this out on you and much more.

And if he is going to use your daughter, you may have to put a limit there too.
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Old 06-20-2007, 04:26 PM
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dw,
Hon, if you haven't already read this, you need to. We all need(ed) to at one time or another or we wouldn't be here.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ct-change.html
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Old 06-20-2007, 05:21 PM
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my mil sent another email saying i think i misunderstood her..she said she didnt think it would be easy for me to take him back, and that she was in the dark about how long this was going on for. she said i hope he gets the help he needs-but she has nothing more to say because she is just so saddened by all of it....and then she ended it saying, stay strong.

tomorrow i go to court---wish me luck.. i just hope he agrees with the restrictions...i will try to make sure he can see the kids more--its good for them to see their dad as well, and maybe a phone call good-night.

I cant believe how hard this is....i cant believe this is my life and i am living through it. My 12 year old has so much anger...i see his behavior in her already....she is going through alot..12 is a tough enough age, and adding to it must be so hard for her. It is hard for me also to deal with her....i am going to try to get her to go see a counsler, but she is not willing to go, so its not going to be easy.
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Old 06-20-2007, 06:18 PM
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Wishing you all the best tomorrow and everyday!

(((HUGS)))

ps-from one mom to another, if you think your 12 year old needs counseling, just take her. You don't need her permission.

Stay strong!
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Old 06-20-2007, 06:31 PM
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why do i keep reading these email??
because as my friend told me, Im my own worst enemy!!
I havent let go 100% yet....but im trying....
I know what the right thing to do is in my head--and my ah needs to respect my feelings that i need time apart from him....he needs to work on getting better by himself, or as Dr. phil suggest, going to his treatment sessions with him if that is possible....but not living with him....supporting him from afar. If he would just respect that , i wouldnt have the need for an RO. But he cant..he is too worried about himself and he needs to be cozy in his own home....well, he is doing illegal things in his own home...and he is endangering our children...that should have crossed his mind before.

Last edited by drainedwife; 06-20-2007 at 06:32 PM. Reason: spelling errors
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Old 06-20-2007, 06:34 PM
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I used to have that book. One day exabf grabbed it out of my hands and flung it across the room.
Does Dr. Phil have anything to say about abuse in it? I really don't remember.
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Old 06-20-2007, 06:58 PM
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Dr. Phil on abuse:

as strongly as he feels about drug abuse being a deal breaker, he feels even stronger about the unaccepability of physical abuse. if you are in a relationship with a pattern of physical abuse, you need to get out and get out right now. there are no justifications, no excuses, no apologies that will undo any physical abuse to you. If this is part of your relationship, you dont have a relationship. Emotional and mental abuse are bad enough. Bue when someone violates your person, they have crossed a line that must be zero-tolerance. If you or your children are being subjected you or your partner need to find another place to be right now.

Again, there are no excuses. If this is your situatin and you heed my advice and take action, be firm in your commitment. If you hav lived in this situation for any period of time, you know that it is cyclical. The pattern is typically followed by guilt and promises of no further abuse. Abusers can seem so toally ratrional outside of the episodes of physical violation. They can seem pathetic, pitiful, and truly sorry. But remember, the best predictor of future behavior is revelant past behavior. One of you needs to get out and stay out unti competant, professional helpobjectively advises you that is it sage to live under the same roof again. Act immediatly and definatively. DO not listen to excuses and do not blame yourself for provoking your partner. You may well be doing that, and is so, that's dumb, really dumb. But it does not justify physical attacks on you.
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Old 06-20-2007, 07:40 PM
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I always did like Dr. Phil. I like his in-your-face brutal honesty. ;-)
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Old 06-20-2007, 07:53 PM
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I don't think you are giving "ultimatums", you are letting him make his own choices:
Choice A) Get help, get sober and stick with it and possibly be reunited with you
Choice B) Keep doing drugs and stay single.
Those are choices in my book.
You are setting boundaries and making choices too....for yourself and your children to have a safe and reasonably normal life.
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:02 PM
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Thank you for finding that and taking the time to post it. I might have been provoking and reading something outloud when it got grabbed from me. Now that you have prompted my memory I think I was....I was reading that the person who keeps count of what they have given is actually the taker. SOMEONE did not like to hear that.

I want you to know my heart goes out to you and actually I am applauding you!
I did not do as well as you....my biggest obstacle all along was thinking the abuse was a result of the alcohlism. And my great dreams and hopes. And his total persistence and "charm". I speak sternly because I would not want anyone to live the humiliation, degradation, heartbreak, loss of self, loss of mental and physical health, the battery charges for self-defense and so much more that I lived, the alientation from my family, my friends,...on and on. Some things I will not and may never speak about. And no one would tell me the truth about him, not him or any of his friends or affairs, they were all told and shown how crazy I was. And I did get crazy. It was the people at SR who confronted me. I started a countdown of days of no contact and held myself accountable to the folks here....that was the start of my renewal.
...I do know that he has never gotten sober, that his heart is at 20% because of his alcoholism, he has repeated the same pattern with one woman after another, one wound up shooting at him and faced severe legal consequences, he continues to father children without responsibility. And he remains volatile and abusive. He is still the man I loved and left...only because I had to...only progressed.
And he hasn't gotten it, nothing has changed. We're just older. I am happily remarried. And he is what he is. And he is dying. I am sorry he never got help. I forgive him. I forgive me.

Tomorrow in court, I remind you what my DV counselor advised me....do not look at him. He will try to catch you eyes. Do not let him do that.
hugs! So many of us will be there in spirit with you tomorrow.
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd View Post
my biggest obstacle all along was thinking the abuse was a result of the alcohlism.
Thanks for a powerful, heartfelt post, liveweyerd! Understanding that the abuse was it's own monster and not a product of the drugs was an epiphany for me as well.

I, too, get a little stern sometimes on here because I never would have faced it if some had not been blunt and upfront with me in the beginning.
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:12 PM
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You are doing whatever has to be done to take care of you and your kids. What has he done? Drank some coffee? Is he going to meetings? Is he in rehab or any kind of program? You DID something to show him how serious you are about him getting clean. He has done NOTHING! You don't know that he's clean and even if he is that could just be to get home. Be strong, be strong! You've come this far, don't let down you're guard until YOU are sure he is commited to getting help. My AH did start that outpatient program and he is so.... positive but I am still walking on eggshells and worrying everyday when the other shoe will drop. Remember you have the upper hand. He is the addict ... he brought this all on himself! GL tomorrow. You'll be in my thoughts.
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Old 07-11-2007, 09:05 AM
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bump
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Old 07-11-2007, 05:29 PM
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Hmmmm.....
Using the kids' happiness/sadness over a movie with mommie to guilt you into a specific course of action. That is one big goose-honkin' , duck-quacking red flag right there....
stay strong~ nitelite
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