Handling Irrational Beliefs/Fears
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Handling Irrational Beliefs/Fears
Well I'm not sure how irrational these beliefs/fears are BUT they are preventing me from focusing on myself and MY recovery.
I keep fearing that abf will meet someone else while in rehab. I fear that his love for me is not strong. These things seem to overpower me and are presenting major roadblocks in terms of gaining back self-worth and thinking about me.
I wanted him to get help, yet now I am fearful??? What gives?? I am even afriad of my own feelings- as if just feeling them will give them power and make them true.
I HATE how I could be doing well one moment and then the next falling back into the paralyzing fears that seem to rule my every move.
I do not quite know how to handle this.
I keep fearing that abf will meet someone else while in rehab. I fear that his love for me is not strong. These things seem to overpower me and are presenting major roadblocks in terms of gaining back self-worth and thinking about me.
I wanted him to get help, yet now I am fearful??? What gives?? I am even afriad of my own feelings- as if just feeling them will give them power and make them true.
I HATE how I could be doing well one moment and then the next falling back into the paralyzing fears that seem to rule my every move.
I do not quite know how to handle this.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
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Posts: 1,497
Well, here is something to think about.
You have said ABF has cheated on you. Quite honestly, he HAS met others then hasn't he? He is an addict, IMO addicts cannot love. I have been with two.. one alcoholic and one addict. I loved. They did not and could not due to their addictions.
Trust me on this one dear, he is not available to give love or properly receive it. He has a long way to go for either. Has he lusted or been infatuated? Probably.
In all honesty you are obsessing. You need to break that cycle. You are obsessed with thinking about him and are as addicted to him as he is to drugs. By obsessing over him, you have lost yourself and are as incapable of healthy love as he is!
I know your plate is full.. school and work and all of that. However, if you have time to obsess over abf, you have time to work on you. When you find yourself falling into that role, get out your list of things about you that are good and likable and concentrate on building that list.
If you cannot do that, sit back for a minute and concentrate on BREATHING.
Only you can break this cycle of addictin to a man who does not respect you. Only yo can love yourself, respect yourself and find joy in your own good company.
You have said ABF has cheated on you. Quite honestly, he HAS met others then hasn't he? He is an addict, IMO addicts cannot love. I have been with two.. one alcoholic and one addict. I loved. They did not and could not due to their addictions.
Trust me on this one dear, he is not available to give love or properly receive it. He has a long way to go for either. Has he lusted or been infatuated? Probably.
In all honesty you are obsessing. You need to break that cycle. You are obsessed with thinking about him and are as addicted to him as he is to drugs. By obsessing over him, you have lost yourself and are as incapable of healthy love as he is!
I know your plate is full.. school and work and all of that. However, if you have time to obsess over abf, you have time to work on you. When you find yourself falling into that role, get out your list of things about you that are good and likable and concentrate on building that list.
If you cannot do that, sit back for a minute and concentrate on BREATHING.
Only you can break this cycle of addictin to a man who does not respect you. Only yo can love yourself, respect yourself and find joy in your own good company.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Heather there was a really good saying that stuck with me...
"You can't be good with other's if you are not good with yourself"
I had an exboyfriend once a long time ago that I dated for 6 years. He was my first and only boyfriend, handsome, and made me laugh. We were so in love, I feared losing the guy. I feared he would fall for another girl more prettier than me. I was scared that he would like some other girl that had skinnier legs than me, or was more talkative than me. I was obsessed with the fear of losing this guy that I thought made me "ME".
Little did I know I lost my Best girl friend and him all in one day. They were sleeping together you see, among other girls I found out about much later.
I have to say Heather, the "rebound" after that made me realize just how amazing I really was, and it was too darn bad for Boyfriend. (oh what a rebound he was too!)
What had happened was I was to good for him. IRonic huh?!
You need to understand that this isn't about your boyfriend. It's about you! You need a long vacation from him hun. You need to discover yourself and find all the things that make YOU happy. Nevermind him. You have to love yourself. Stop trying to make him believe that you are #1 when you are struggling to see it for yourself.
"You can't be good with other's if you are not good with yourself"
I had an exboyfriend once a long time ago that I dated for 6 years. He was my first and only boyfriend, handsome, and made me laugh. We were so in love, I feared losing the guy. I feared he would fall for another girl more prettier than me. I was scared that he would like some other girl that had skinnier legs than me, or was more talkative than me. I was obsessed with the fear of losing this guy that I thought made me "ME".
Little did I know I lost my Best girl friend and him all in one day. They were sleeping together you see, among other girls I found out about much later.
I have to say Heather, the "rebound" after that made me realize just how amazing I really was, and it was too darn bad for Boyfriend. (oh what a rebound he was too!)
What had happened was I was to good for him. IRonic huh?!
You need to understand that this isn't about your boyfriend. It's about you! You need a long vacation from him hun. You need to discover yourself and find all the things that make YOU happy. Nevermind him. You have to love yourself. Stop trying to make him believe that you are #1 when you are struggling to see it for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
You are all incredibly right.
I guess I will never know about the cheating thing. He insists that he would not do that but personally that does not even seem like the bulk of the problem right now.
The problem is me and yes Elana you are right- I can't seem to stop obsessing. It's like what gives -- I was unhappy when he was in active addiction- constantly worrying and upset - always wanting him to seek help and now that he has actually gotten it I am STILL worrying and feeling pathetic and feeling deeply insecure. You also right about the fact that this man has deeply hurt and disrespected me and now I feel stuck in the belief that I deserved this treatment and seem to be equally stuck in the thoughts that things will get better when he changes/scared that he will not love me -- when in reality I should be overcoming my irrational thoughts and magical thinking and bringing the focus back on me and learning that I am the only person I can control.
I just really feel left in the wake of all this damage that addiction has done and not knowing exactly where to start to get back any semblance of entitlement or self esteem. Sadly, before I use to say to myself, "You deserve better than drug addiction." Now I just feel weak and beaten down.
I want to spend this time focused on ME and healing ME and not locked into the overload of fears and insecurities that can control me if I let them.
I guess I will never know about the cheating thing. He insists that he would not do that but personally that does not even seem like the bulk of the problem right now.
The problem is me and yes Elana you are right- I can't seem to stop obsessing. It's like what gives -- I was unhappy when he was in active addiction- constantly worrying and upset - always wanting him to seek help and now that he has actually gotten it I am STILL worrying and feeling pathetic and feeling deeply insecure. You also right about the fact that this man has deeply hurt and disrespected me and now I feel stuck in the belief that I deserved this treatment and seem to be equally stuck in the thoughts that things will get better when he changes/scared that he will not love me -- when in reality I should be overcoming my irrational thoughts and magical thinking and bringing the focus back on me and learning that I am the only person I can control.
I just really feel left in the wake of all this damage that addiction has done and not knowing exactly where to start to get back any semblance of entitlement or self esteem. Sadly, before I use to say to myself, "You deserve better than drug addiction." Now I just feel weak and beaten down.
I want to spend this time focused on ME and healing ME and not locked into the overload of fears and insecurities that can control me if I let them.
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