Can't stop obsessing...can't let go...

Old 06-19-2007, 09:08 PM
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Can't stop obsessing...can't let go...

To avoid a major recap on my situation I will sum it up simply, My AH just went to rehab after running his life into the ground on meth. He had continually lied to me through out our 9 year marriage. He was doing drugs most of our marriage and I was mostly really stupid about it. He also cheated on me recently and I found out. I also believe it was really one of many times but I can't prove that and he certainly isn't about to tell me the truth.

He went into rehab and got kicked out for "fraternizing with female patients" when he was about 2/3 through their 28 day program. He seems to be staying clean and is living with his mother out of state. He comes to our town on the weekends to work. Since sober, he spent the night with the girl he cheated on me with in a hotel room but claims there was no sex...he has continued an inappriopriate relationship with a friend of his who is a 15 year old girl, he is almost 40. He is a musician and so is she and so that is how they know eachother. The two text eachother constantly but I don't think they see eachother physically that much, since for one she isn't old enough to drive! I did alert the girl's family to the situation but they believe her when she says nothing is going on so I did the right thing legally anyway.

He also, as it seems to me, has been seeing other women. I don't know how many or how often but it is safe to say at least a few.

We are separated (not legally) so it seems he should be able to do whatever and I wouldn't care. But geez I do. It is driving me crazy lately. All of my alanon stuff seems to fail me right now. Though I admit, I could be working a lot better program, obviously, right? Although, despite both his and his mother's constant berating, I have refused to let him move back in. I am glad I stuck by that boundary.

He tells me that he wants nothing more than to work things out with me and for us all to be a family, as we have 2 small kids. But he tells other women we are getting divorced. In fact, I called the 15 year old girl, who claims they are only friends, and asked her what was really going on. She denied everything but was really upset when I told her that my husband had told me he wanted to work things out. Then my husband was furious that I told her that and then denied that he had ever said it. He said he had only said that "maybe we could work things out down the road" and then said something like, "Has it ever occurred to you that once I get my head straight, I wouldn't want to be with you!". But actually, he did say it multiple times and begged me to take him back. He makes me feel crazy when he denies the truth like that. She texted him that she will never talk to him again after she spoke with me. He was furious at me and told me he would never forgive me for ruining his relationship with this girl. Wow, I never thought my husband would place so much more concern over his relationship with a 15 year old than he does the one with his wife.

So this seems like I am world's biggest idiot. Maybe I am.

The thing is, I don't want to be with him anymore. I mean, not after what has happened. But I want him to stop pretending he wants to get back together and that I am the one standing in the way of it. I want him to own up to the truth... that he is seeing other women. But I know, he won't tell the truth, I know then I start snooping through emails and his phone when he leaves it around when he comes to visit the kids. I will prove it, I think.

Then I feel like crap for breaking my rules. I swore I wouldn't do that because it only makes me feel crazier in the end. But wow, it is like crack when he leaves his phone...

How can I really put an end to my obsessing? I am fine when he is gone but the second he shows back up to visit the kids and I am around him at all, I go right back into codie crap...obsessing, controllling, feeling like I am weak.

I hate being this pathetic, I do.

Also, I am very resentful of the fact that for many months I have been taking care of the children and EVERYTHING while he is off at rehab or at his mom's (where he is babied beyond belief). I can rarely get to my Alanon meetings because I can't get a sitter and he is off having lunch with friends anytime he wants. I know I should care more that he has a disease that could kill him and be grateful that he went to rehab at all but lately I am a lot more concerned about what I am getting out of this mess.

ARRRGH!!!! I just wish I could let go of those yucky poison feelings and just be grateful and happy....

Any words of encouragement are greatly appreciated...
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Old 06-19-2007, 09:30 PM
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Or However You Spell It....
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I think wanting to hear the truth come from his lips is what is driving you nuts. You're not pathetic by any means. We've all been where you're at right now.

For me some sort of closure seemed like the key. I never had any so everything still seemed so unresolved. So.......I always set out to resolve it and always ended up hurt. Each time I hurt it was like the first time all over again.

Time is going to be your best friend right now. Time and patience with yourself. I know for me and probably others, I had to make my own closure. I made myself believe that the man I was in love with had died (not physically of course). So, I grieved what once was and laid it to rest sort of.

Eventually the more he came around the more I realized I was never going to get the truth from him.........except for tiny bits and pieces and only what he wanted me to know.

Eventually I became stronger and more comfortable with the fact there was just me now. I had to live with myself so I'd better get working on liking myself better. So, I started doing more for myself than ever before. I re-painted the house and re-arranged it so it looked like he was never there. I re-did the garden outside to suit my fancy. I could once again sit outside, look around at all I had done and smile. Eventually I was content in so many ways and one day it happened. I didn't care if I ever got the truth or not. I realized that even if I had it, it wouldnt change what has happened. It wouldn't erase the past and would possibly bring up some new pain and I didn't want to go there.

Time, patience and getting to the point where you're ok with where you're matter where that place is.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Stop being so rough on yourself sweetpea.
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Old 06-19-2007, 09:31 PM
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sadly I know exactly how you feel..................
no words of wisdom just know you are not the only pathetic one out here

life with an addict changes us somehow..............I was once a strong independant and consistant person with self esteem intact.............funny how now I find myself holding onto something...............thats so not worth the hassel and looking at myself wondering how just jow I let myself become this person!!!

Stick around others with advise will be along soon
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Old 06-19-2007, 10:22 PM
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the girl can't help it
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Oh sweetie I have been where you are...I don't have kids with him thank God. But I totally understand the feelings.

Like they say in Alanon keep the focus on yourself....Do whatever you can to take care of you. Hang in there!!
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by booklover View Post
I want him to stop pretending he wants to get back together and that I am the one standing in the way of it. I want him to own up to the truth... that he is seeing other women. But I know, he won't tell the truth, I know then I start snooping through emails and his phone when he leaves it around when he comes to visit the kids. I will prove it, I think.

Then I feel like crap for breaking my rules. I swore I wouldn't do that because it only makes me feel crazier in the end. But wow, it is like crack when he leaves his phone...

How can I really put an end to my obsessing? I am fine when he is gone but the second he shows back up to visit the kids and I am around him at all, I go right back into codie crap...obsessing, controllling, feeling like I am weak.
For me, stopping the obsessing began the day I truly truly understood and accepted in the deepest part of my soul that I had NO control over my ex's actions, only over my own, and that playing detective was only making ME sick; he could've cared less. Our addiction is just as strong as theirs is....

If you are pathetic, then so are most of us on this forum. I can SO relate to that weak codie feeling you desribe. Honestly, the only thing that worked for me was to have no contact with my ex. We have kids together, too, so it isn't easy. Sadly, the longer we are apart, the more it becomes obvious that seeing our little boy takes a back seat to his need to control and manipulate me. He only has supervised visitation, can't drive our child, etc, so he just doesn't see him because it isn't on his terms. So much for being the loving, devoted father he was screaming that he was....

Take baby steps; you will be fine and if you keep working at it, you will eventually be able to break his hold over your thoughts. Praying for you!
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:18 AM
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let it grow!
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let go. not letting go is only an option when we make it one.

blessings, k

Last edited by parentrecovers; 06-20-2007 at 08:37 AM.
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:27 AM
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I totally understand where you are at. I get weak when I see my AH too, who is in rehab right now.

I guess I would say if you see him leaving his phone, pick it up and give it to him. Or, leave the room where it is at. You have a choice. You can stare at the phone and realize that if you pick it up, you are playing right into your own sickness. Then you can walk away and keep occupied until he leaves.

I think for me, alot of snooping had to do with closure and control. I felt I needed to know in order to be at peace. But that was just my mind playing tricks. Actually, knowing made me more obsessive.

Do you have a sponsor or friends in Alanon? Perhaps the next time you get a compulsion to snoop you could call someone and talk it out. We would tell an addict to call his sponsor before he picked up, so we should do the same.

Maybe one day he'll tell the truth, or maybe he won't. But you need to begin trusting yourself enough that you don't need his or anyone's words to believe what is in your heart.

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Old 06-20-2007, 08:38 AM
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The addict in my life is my exhusband. We also have a son together.
For a while, I just wanted my ex to be own up to what he had done...I made phone calls like the one you made to the 15 yr old girl...I spied, chased, obsessed. I was hell-bent on finding proof of his behavior. I'm not sure why. I KNEW in my heart what was going on...but for some reason, I thought I had to prove everything. I guess I thought that he would be getting away with something if I didn't. I wanted to prove that I wasn't a fool...that my suspicions were correct...and that somehow, someway, he would have to admit what he had done and have no choice but to correct things if I could just lay it all out on the table for him.

The thing is...Addicts have their own sense of reality. They play by their own set of rules and the rules change according to each situation. You aren't dealing with a rational human being. No amount of logic, proof, or reasoning will bring him to the point of surrender. Your playing a game that you can't win with him because there are no rules...and even if there are rules, he makes them up and they are subject to change at any given moment. You're wasting your time and your energy. You know this deep down...but the hard part is figuring out how to stop playing the game.

The only thing that allowed me to stop playing this game with my ex was to admit to myself that nothing I said or did mattered where he was concerned. Nothing. The only person you can control is you. If certain circumstances leave you vulnerable, do what you can to change them. Stop talking to him and listening to his irrational and illogical thinking...stop allowing visitation at your home if you fall into the codie trap of spying and obsessing when he comes over. Consult with an attorney and arrange for a formal seperation and address the issue of child support and visitaiton. Your doing everything on your own anyway. What does he contribute to your efforts at this point except heartache and pain? Whats holding you back? You don't have to answer any of these questions here...I just want you to think about these things. At some point, we have to take responsiblity for our life and our happiness. You have a responsiblity to yourself and to your children to live a life that is stable, peaceful, and healthy. Its not easy. Its not. But that doesn't mean it can't be done.

Stop obsessing about him and his problem and put all of that energy into something you can control...YOUR life and YOUR future.

I've been where you are aint pretty...but life doesn't have to be this dang difficult and painful. You can change things. You can!!!
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Old 06-20-2007, 11:39 AM
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Hi, I read your post & my heart went out to you. Many yrs ago I was exactely the same as you are now. I married my 1st husband when I was 18. I loved him so very much. I gave him not only my heart but my soul & thats where I made my mistake. I left him like 9 times the first few yrs always hoping he would change. My mom said onc when we were separated " If you don't love him anymore get a divorce. " I couldn't tell her I still loved him & wanted him to change so I told her I couldn't get a divorce cuz I didn't have the money. Well she said her & my dad would pay for it. I was trapped I had to get a divorce. Did that end it NO, his girlfriend was in a major traffic accident & was in a coma so he called me. I was engaged to someone else but I felt sorry for him so I went with him to the hospital to see her. She wound up dying & I wound up back with him & we remarried. Things were good for awhile & we had a 2nd son. Then Off Track Betting opened & he started gambling again. He got in trouble with the law & took off. I was going to join him when he got settled. Thats how obsessed with him I was. I found out he had taken up with a topless dancer. I had started going to college & after I found that out I let my sister set me up with this guy. When I saw how this other guy treated me & my sons & with the physical space btw me & my ex I finally fell out of love with him. It had taken me 10yrs of a horrid relationship & having another man love me, plus the actual physical distance ( I didn't see him for a yr ) to see that having a life with him was impossible. I was as addicted to him as he was to gambling. By the time I saw him again I knew it was over.
I stayed alone raising my kids for 10yrs before meeting & marrying my present husband. I had once thought I could never love anyone the way I loved him but I was so wrong.
Focus on your own life. Do what you have to do to feel in control of the situation. Don't let him into your home if thats what it takes. Let him pick up the kids & take them out. I remember I cried for many yrs over what should have been. You know what life with him will be & you know you don't want it.
I didn't see or hear from my ex for over 30 yrs & about 7 wks ago he called me. He is now 62 yrs old. He told me he went from gambling to drugs & has only been clean & sober since he was 57yrs old. I am so glad I ended it when I did. If I hadn't I would have spent almost a lifetime of misery waiting for him to wake up. Don't misunderstand me I am very glad for my sons & for him that he woke up when he did but I have no regrets I ended it when I did. I will be married 23 yrs in Nov to my present husband & the love I found with him has only grown stronger through the yrs. I can love Mr R unconditionally cuz I know there is nothing he could do that I couldn't live with. This could never have been true about my ex.
I shared this with you as I do understand how you feel.
As Outonalimb said you can change things, its all up to you.
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Old 06-20-2007, 03:36 PM
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I can think of no wiser advice than outonalimb's above.

You are trying to play a game you can't win. Can't. Win.
Get out of the game, booklover. The only way out is to find something else you love more than chasing this heartless, lying, self-serving user. (there, I said it)

Shake your life up for the better. Get a legal separation and start down the road to getting this poisonous crap out of your personal space. Put your sleuthing skills to use for YOU, researching things that will bring delight to your life instead. This obsessing is a habit you've acquired as a result of being with him. You owe it to yourself and your son to kick those habits.

And, as you know, I'm speaking from personal experience

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Old 06-20-2007, 04:30 PM
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you deserve better than this.there are times when our self confidence drops so low we mistake of being scared for being in you really love someone that can treat you that way or are you just scared to let go & let God? there is a better plan in your life than this.take a deep breath & just listen to what is really in your heart.i will say a prayer for you that you can find peace. i will say a prayer for him that he can find himself.hugs,hope
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Old 06-21-2007, 11:26 PM
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Thank you.

Reading all of your responses actually made me burst into many many tears. It is amazing how the words over a cold lifeless computer can transcend into the warmest feeling within me...thank you all. Somehow, your words act as my higher power tonight as I have never found mine yet and I can let go a little more than I have been able to up until now. Your time and thought you put into posting is way closer to an ideal of love than he has shown me in sooooo long. Maybe tomorrow I can wake up and do a little bit better job and maybe everyday it will get easier. It isn't a bad plan. Good night.
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Old 06-22-2007, 09:43 AM
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Living in the light
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The second step, Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity is what I get from your last post. Sharing and caring here is a huge power greater than ourselves.
Your thoughts are very powerful and you can change them. When you start to obsess, tell yourself NO I'm not going there and replace the thought with something
comforting and positive for you. With time and practice you will obsess less and less.
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Old 06-22-2007, 12:06 PM
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If you really want him out of your life make arraingments to let him see the kids somewhere else (have someone else pick them up and bring them back) that way you don't have to look at him, as for the 15 yr. old I'd turn her family into D.H.S. for letting this happen. good luck and prayers to you.
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Old 06-22-2007, 06:19 PM
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You're NOT an idiot. I'll bet anyone on here who has been through what you have (myself included) would say you are doing what is good and right for YOU.
Don't fall into self loathing. Instead, think GOOD thoughts about your self!
I know it's painful when a loved one does this kind of thing. I am so sorry you have to go through this. It won't last forever. You will be able to find peace.
Take care.
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