He's gone to rehab. How do I heal?
 

Well, abf went into rehab today.

And I am slightly jealous because I will not get the attention and professional help that he is to put his life back together.
I am just sitting here wondering where to start.

I was going on well for awhile - actually focusing on myself and thinking, "Wow- this is kind of easy after all" when I had once thought it impossible.

Now I am back to a bad spot again- the self-loathing is so intense, the anger, the resentment, the unworthiness and anxiety over what I am and am not allowed to feel and express and what will happen if I do...

Any tips or kind words on how to pick oneself up would be greatly appreciated. I work during the days and have these intense summer classes that meet 2 times a week for three hours in addition to an online class so I am not able to go to many meetings. I usually attend one but the work load has made it hard.

I just feel so broken and I want to start healing.
I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to try again, to begin separating myself from him and begin believing that I can like myself and trust myself and my ability to withstand things - and not lose strength because I feel I am weak and brimming with nothingness.

What?

We can feel and express what ever we want. What works best for us is only expressing things that are helpful to our own peace and joy. Negatives don't seem to help anyone.

He is off getting professional help. I know a place that you can gather even better help and support then that....Anon meetings. You can gather proven methods that others have found work well. You would gather such support and info directly from those who have used such. He could be gathering his info from people who read out of books. I like the direct way better. I am sure you will gain more from such as well.
Go and get the better attention, support and healing that can be found at Anon meetings.

First of all, it is GOOD to hear from you! We all were concerned. We know you are OK.. see what codies we are? :)

Second, CONGRATULATIONS on see what you need to do! That is HUGE! You are also noting it ain't easy.. and it is NOT.

Third, CONGRATULATIONS on BF going to Rehab!!!! He can work on HIM. You can work on YOU.
Can you find an appointment with a counselor if you cannot get to meetings? You might find starting out one on one is beneficial.

Get the Book.. "CoDependent No More" and start reading. She has you do stuff.. you take a proactive stance inyour own recovery. It is REALLY good and is sure helped me a LOT.

Hey.. and CHIN UP. LOOK in the Mirror.. See that person looking back at you? Tell her she is beautiful, whether you believe it or not. Do it often and eventually you will come to see she is and she is YOU.

You are bright and you have a LOT going for you. Make a LIST about YOU. List ONLY good things. Keep it with you. Add to it. read it every chance you can.

I can tell you one thing you can put on your list right now:
HARD WORKER.. taking classes AND working full time? I have done that! You can say you are a hard worker!

BTW you can add "smart" cuz not everyone can take classes and work FT and be successful.

List here if you want to!

Do you take any time to have fun with friends and get out of your head?
Express what ever you want, we're here to hear (read

Thank you all. I think somewhere along the lines I was taught that I couldn't express certain emotions and if I did I would some how "pay" for it by some turn of events. It's really quite bizarre and embaressing to talk about.

What stinks about this whole thing is that my self-esteem and self-worth have been in the gutter for as long as I can remember. I am a chronic self-loather and dealing with the addiction really did me in and sealed the behaviors so I can't bounce back to even acceptance like I use to. I feel trapped in my own mind.

Addiction REALLY, REALLY makes you feel like you deserve nothing good- to the point where you EXPECT bad things to happen to you and believe you actually deserve it because you are a second class human being.
This is such a sick and twisted feeling but my insecurity in every department feels out of control. Despite him being an addict- I still keep fearing him not wanting me- after eveything that he has put me through. I want to be able to rise above what I've dealt with and own my own power.

I think I am going to try to find a new therapist. I have been seeing one here where I live for the past three years. I moved here when I got out of my last and final treatment for my eating disorder. She specialized in this but has a very unaggressive, gentle approach which is not what I need. I need someone to call me out on my cognitive distortions and tell me that believing I do not deserve anything is ridiculous.

It's so amazing how I can quickly forget I need to work on ME. I know why I forget because it is my codie disease and it is inclined to focus on others and minimize anything I need, want or feel because it keeps me trapped in hating myself - something I have been doing for a long time so changing it would be incredibly uncomfortable.

I have Codependent No More and have read it. It really resonated with me the first time I read it but like I said- my mind is stuck- ADDICTED- hardwired to be against myself. I truly believe that I do not deserve to expect good things or to believe I am entitled to things or something will happen to prove to me otherwise. I really am insane.

Not quite sure how to work on me. I attend my al-anon meeting on wednesdays and have work/school other days but I suppose i just want the positive mentality- maybe I want to be at the "i'm okay without anyone else" place without the hard work. Just feels like I am running in place.

Daer HKAngel,

This is like the third time I have posted this same message today, so sorry if it seems redundant. It's just that it seems that there are several post's today about people wanting to work on their own issues. Which to me, is a good thing!

For the past few months I have been doing a technique called EFT which stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques. I started to do it when I was feeling alot of anxiety about my ABF. When those feelings came up I would tap on them and I started feeling better. Now I am more able to stay focused on what I need to do for myself.

It works for colds too. I had a cold ALL last week that just wasn't getting any better, so I started tapping on it Sunday night. Slept really well without taking any cough medicine. A little bit of a cough started when I woke up Monday. So I tapped on it. It's Tuesday, no coughing and no cold medicine since Sunday! I feel really good actually.

It's free and the website is www.emofree.com

I saw several set-up phrases in your post that you could start with:

"Even though I am slightly jealous, I deeply and completely love and accept myself"

"Even though I feel so broken, I deeply and completely love and accept myself"

"Even though I am weak and brimming with nothingness, I deeply and completely love and accept myself"

If it is hard for you to say "I deeply and completely love and accept myself" start with "Even though I do not deeply and completely love and accept myself, I deeply and completely love and accept myself"


Lithloren

Hk, I feel the same as what you said above. I seem to have this mind-set that I don't deserve anything good and I think I even sabatage myself sometimes...

I spend time here at SR for many reasons. Mosly because of the people who show up.
You are one of those people...
You do matter.
You are worth my time. I came back to this thread because you do matter.
How must I tell you that you do deserve all that can be that is good?
In your face? No because you deserve gentle kindness not yelling and in your face.
Sour language for added emphasis? No because you deserve to be respected and I won't disrespect you.
You do matter. You do deserve better. I believe in you.
Please believe in yourself. You are worth it.

((((Heather)))))
I hope you can take this time while he is away to really focus on yourself and healing. If you need a little time for you, remember that classes can wait and there is nothing more important than you! You DO matter...You are a lovely person with a sweet, kind heart and you deserve all the best in life. It's okay to say what you are feeling here...The wonderful part about SR and the "anon" programs is there is no judgement.
Please give yourself the gift of taking good care of you! Hugs and prayers.

((Heather))

Perhaps if you could get a sponsor from NarAnon and or some phone numbers? Just a five minute call might help you feel better on bad days. I too am a person who does not like reaching out, but I know that it is in my best interest.

You ARE doing great, what you are feeling is totally normal, and I am glad your bf went to rehab if nothing else so that you can have this time.

Hugs!

sending hugs. k

HK I'm sorry your hurting and struggling with letting go I went through this too when I/he exab broke thing off and immediatly starting dating someone else. Right in front of my face I was broken I really felt my life was over NO one would love me like he did and now someone else is having him. My stomach was sick I was sick.

I spent the 3yrs in our relationship being kinda the caregiver babysitter. Is he using is he gonna use. All my thoughts and focus for 3yrs of my life was ONLY on him. I totally forgot who I was b4 I started dating him. He consumed me I loved him more than any other human on the face of the earth we were gonna be together forever.

When we broke up he told me it was because he didnt want to hold me back in life. What a crock of sh!t I thought how dare u. I only wanted to be with him he wasnt always nice to me and didnt really care about my feelings nor anything else about me. I didnt see it at that time. I wanted him back I wanted to be with him. My health suffered I went from a size 7 to a 0 in no time at all. My stomach was sick and sinking I didnt sleep for what felt like eternity while he was off not suffering with this other woman. HOW DARE HE! I was mad and angry and hurt. When I read your story I could have wrote I really could thats why I sometimes have to stay away it brings me back there.

I had to start throwing myself in other thing to take my mind away from him. Kinda like your doing I was bz all the time. I looked up old friends that I stopped talking to to be with him all the time. I went to college I worked full time. I had to focus on me boy that was hard. As time went on I thought less and less about him and eventually was able to really let go and move on. It was the hardest thing I ever did. In time u will think of him less and less and u will realize how amazing of a person u are it doesnt happen overnight but it will happen I promise u this.

Sorry this is so long I just wanted u to know that u will feel better u will move on.

Thank you all so much.

I guess I just feel like I'm in a hole and can't quite seem to regain footing to try to climb out.

I am SUCH a black/white thinker. I keep beating myself up for how incredibly codependent I've been- my moods and my sanity and MY self-concept/self-esteem being dictated by the love & validation of another individual.
I seem to kick myself everytime I am aware of feeling this way, so that does not help.

I feel shaky about this but I think that I should be able to believe I deserve a loving relationship based on trust.
I'm such a thickheaded individual- just wish it could work in my favor.

I just want to take this time to work on me and begin reconnecting to myself but feel so far away.

heal the way we all try to - one day at a time..

blesssings, k

One day at a time.. one moment at a time... that is how you do it. It is a deep hole but we all need to get out of it.

KJ:
I think you and I had the same ABF....