bren38

My rah has a childhood friend who he has known most of his life and who he has also done drugs with a good part of their lives. I never have cared for the guy and it became even worse just before my husband went in rehab 3 months ago when I found out this "friend gave him pills, and got my husb to get him some pot for him. Soon after my husb. went into rehab his friend went to one. Well.... this friend just got out and called my rah. Told him he was having a hard time. Well my rah knows how I feel about this guy and he did not tell me he called. Then today I saw some numbers on his cell that I didn't recognize on his dialed calls and when I asked him he confessed that he had tried to call "friend this morning but didn't have the right number. I was furious. I saw it as manipulation. He says he was just calling to check on him but knowing how I felt it hurt me that he revisted that past. It was such a major trigger for me I just lost it. I had called this friend the day my husb. left for rehab and told him to stay away.

Do I have a right to be angry? In my mind I do. Its like my rah didn't even consider how it might make me feel. Emotionally it took me back to the day. I am so confused. I feel like I always have and still do come second in his life.

I know I only seem to show up here lately when I have a question but I was trying to move on with my life and concentrate on rebuilding. He says he loves me but his actions make me feel different. He doesn't seem to get it. Idk, maybe my expectations are too high.

Ann

Bren, I know the inner turmoil when they seem to pick up old habits again and make what looks like bad choices. Of course you have the right to feel angry when you see him walking right back to his old ways.

The thing is, he has to learn to make choices and to discover for himself whether they are good or not. He will use again or not use, regardless of what you do or don't do or what you say or don't say. We just can't control the outcome, it's all theirs to find recovery or relapse again.

What helped me was to focus on my own program and learn to keep my balance and find happiness, regardless of how my addict was doing.

Our saying "Hands off the addict, hands off their recovery" stands true. All we do is continue the dance of codependency when we try to orchestrate how they should behave, where they should go and who they should associate with. It's just not ours to try to control.

Sending big hugs because you sound like you could use them.

tropikgal2

I agree with Ann. you DO have the right to be angry because he was doing something that he KNEW was going to upset you and he hid it. This is a behavioural pattern akin to lying. Keep you eyes and ears open and good luck. Take care of yourself because you are #1 above all.

BigSis

What I know about me is that I came by some information by snooping and sneaking... And I did that because I thought I was "helping" my addicted loved ones by gleaning what I believed to be vital information.

Today, what I know is that no information I gathered was vital to my loved ones sobreity, or lack of sobriety. What I know today is that nothing I did, or didn't do, was able to change their addiction.

So - do you have a right to be angry? For me, I know that my anger is a reaction FEAR. Do you have a "right" to feel fear? Absolutely!

But I have some choices today.

Once I absolutely accept that I cannot

CAUSE
CONTROL
CURE

addiction. Then I can believe that I truly am "powerless" over it. And I can choose to feel less fear by not purposely seeking out information - unless I am seeking information to protect me.

(((hugs)))

Noah812

I think you will be angry if you want to. I also think you telling his friend to stay away and being mad because he called HIS friend is not fare. It is always the other addict that causes yours to do something wrong. That seems to be the going thing for us here at SR its the other addict that did this to him/her not our addict. I have a couple of life long friends and some of thier gfs have addict that way to me. Most the time he dumped them and our friendship continued...once he married his G/F and she was complete trash...he divorced her...now he is married and his wife likes me very much and I do her as welll...everything is fine...I think jealousy of friends often happens. I have had a few women I have dated who acted the same way and it ended the same way the friend was doing nothing wrong to her...it was a personal dislike for my buddy. You have no right to pick his life long friends...you are his wife but not his mother...I do agree under the circumstances you should watch things for you but not to take his friends away. This is JMHO.

cece1960

You have the right to feel any way you feel.
He has the right to behave in any way he sees appropriate.
Finding the middle ground is sometimes the hardest.

My son re-established contact with his best friend (user also) shortly after he came out of rehab. The friend was in a halfway house at that point.
It scared the crap out of me and I wasn't comfortable at all with it. I did the whole song and dance.
It turned out that something happened between them. To this day I'm not sure who did what but someone understood how toxic their relationship was. Its a shame that a lifetime "friendship" had to fade, but it was for the best for both.
The beauty in it was it happened on its own, without my interference.
One of the two of them was practicing good sense...and recovery.

Had I "ordered" no contact, I would have had to chase that around to enforce it.
(((hugs)))
Cece

Spiritual Seeker

If your husband is sober and making the necessary changes to stay that way can you try and focus on the positive? What we focus on will grow. It is oh so important that you make the necessary changes in your own life as well. Focus on yourself and you will be much easier to live with. Honest communication is always good after anger..are you able to talk this through.

bren38

Thanks to everyone for sharing. We did talk today and he was very sorry. Noah and Anvilhead I appreciate your honesty. You all gave me some things to think about. And yes you are right I dont have a right to choose his friends. But knowing I am still trying to get over the lies and trust again I guess I wanted him to have not hid it from me. It felt TOO much like the days before rehab which was a trigger for me.

duet_4-8

so true!