Dating-How long to wait?

Old 06-20-2007, 04:45 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
You all made my day. I enjoyed reading all of the posts & got a good laugh out of a few of them especially Dollys.
Yes you will know when you ae ready.
Dolly if you at almost 60 are older than dirt I must be older than that cuz I was 60 in Jan..............BUT I sure don't feel it. Younger guys always went for me too. Before I met Mr R I was going with a guy 11 yrs younger & he proposed to me. The only reason I didn't marry him was he asked me to become Jewish, and I would not give up my faith for anyone.
Worked out for the best Mr R & I will be married 23 yrs in Nov & we both are more in love with each passing day. Mr R is also 9 mts & 10 days younger. I told him when I was being born he was just a twinkle in his dads eye.
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Old 06-20-2007, 08:06 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Dear Rae,

I am not ready to start dating again yet, but I remembered this post by Mary Petunia and finally was able to search past post.

Hope it helps!


Mary Petunia

Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nearer to the top.
Posts: 1,986 Goodbye!


Hello all,
Haven't been on the site in awhile... I wanted to give an update on my life and bid ya'll adieu!!

For those I've not had the pleasure of meeting yet, maybe in particular those whose spouse is the addict in their life, I want to offer you hope... Hope for a better life for YOU! Don't get me wrong, though, I'm not advocating that you leave your addict and I'm not saying that a new relationship is the answer to your issues. But I AM saying that if you've ever wondered (or maybe worried?) if you would ever be happy again... or if you'd ever find anyone as wonderful as your addict was before s/he started doing drugs, whether you would ever smile again or whether you'd ever feel another ounce of joy, I want to tell you that YOU WILL!!! If you do the hard recovery work and if you CHOOSE happiness, you can set your life on a different course and create the life you dream of and love.

I was married for about 8 years to a man who was an addict. Found out in roughly year 5-6, when we had just had our baby daughter. I stuck with him through a number of attempts at re-hab or suboxone programs, etc.... he lied to me endlessly, cleared out our bank accounts, charged our credit cards, took cash advances on our home equity line of credit, took MY car w/o my permission and wrapped it around a fire hydrant, eventually started breaking into what had been "OUR" home (literally breaking windows, destroying doors) to steal money from our daughter's piggy bank, my checks and jewelry, etc... He was arrested and jailed and that was about the "last straw" for me. After lots of prayer and counseling, I filed for divorce. I didn't take this decision lightly and, in retrospect, believe I was patient to a fault. At the same time, I can look back on the situation and, in good conscience, know that I did absolutely everything I possibly could have done to save my marriage.

When I first came to SR, I was looking for help for my AexH. I didn't have a clue that I needed help as badly as he did. But with all of the great people on this site, who were willing to hold my hand, shine a light and share their experience, strength and hope, I soon realized that while it certainly was tragic that my husband had succumbed to his addiction and was spiraling out of control, that it would be an exponentially worse tragedy to allow him to destroy my daughter and myself in the process.

While I tried to piece my life back together, I took two steps forward and three steps back. I agonized over how to answer my daughter's heart-breaking questions about where her daddy was and how to respond when she'd say things like: "he must not love me if he doesn't come to see me." I probably became about as addicted to this site as my AexH was to pills and heroin... it was such a source of encouragement and inspiration... and hope... No one else in my world could comprehend the ghastly things my aexh had done... or how I could ever consider still loving him... or why I couldn't just move forward and never look back... but the people on this site COULD understand. You had been there before or were there right now. No one ever judged me. Everyone loved and encouraged me... unconditionally.

I grew stronger and stronger... It wasn't too long before my anger turned to acceptance and acceptance allowed me to have compassion for my aexh... afterall, who in their right mind would CHOOSE to be an addict?? I learned how to do a lot of things for myself (who knew I could actually kill a spider?!!), I learned that I was stronger than I ever could have imagined, I gained confidence, I grew closer to God than I'd ever been in my life and I knew He was with me every step of this journey. I was humbled by the whole experience. I learned that I was only a "victim" if I chose to be and that I could change my life for the better. I started to really, REALLY contemplate what I wanted my life to be like...

I started to date again... UGH!!! For the first time in my life, I was completely, 100% focused on what *I* wanted out of a relationship, not what I could BE for the other person. It was painful. I met a lot of jerks... I met a lot of selfish men with selfish motivations.... but I was able to spot that immediately!! My BS detector was on and in GOOD working condition and I became very selective. I used that mental picture of what I wanted my life to be as the measuring stick against which I evaluated all of my prospects.... But while I did yearn for that loving "ideal" relationship, I was also very okay with being by myself. I enjoyed the time I spent with my daughter, I enjoyed my family and friends. I enjoyed life... I enjoyed ME!!

And then, one day, I met a wonderful, wonderful man. He had gone through a similarly rough time as I had. He had gone through a lot of soul-searching and counseling and really had transformed himself, as I had. And he was also ready for that loving "ideal" relationship. We talked forEVER... we became the best of friends. We had very similar morals and ethics, we both wanted the same things out of life. He adores my daughter.

In October, we were married. We created a blended family with his two children and my daughter. It's not, by any stretch, "perfect"... we struggle with co-parenting, I still struggle with the pain my daughter endures from her absent father that she remembers as much bigger than life than he ever was. We're both getting our financial legs back under us.

But life is sooooo good.. So very good. I've never been happier in my life... It truly is the life I always wanted... My husband and I talk about everything. He wants to know about the mundane things in my life as much as he cares about the truly important things. We truly care about each other. We respect and admire one another. We do everything together. Our motto is "it's the company"... as in, it doesn't matter WHAT we're doing... it matters with whom we're doing it and there's no one else we'd rather be doing it with than each other.

In November, 2007, we'll welcome our brand new baby to our blended family... and to the world. A baby??!!! I'm forty years old!! Who woulda thought??? But time and time again on this site, people have told me that "God has a plan" and if I'm not living proof of that, then I don't know what is.

I would never be where I am in my life right now if it wasn't for SR and all of you wonderful, amazing people. Thank you for so selflessly sharing yourselves. I recently said "goodbye" to my counselor, who also helped me immensely through all of those really dark, sad and scary days... and now I say goodbye to all of you. I wish everyone peace.
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Old 06-20-2007, 09:38 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Date as soon as you meet a great guy. Even if he is not the "one" it is great to start flirting and have a good time.
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Old 06-22-2007, 02:15 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291

You know what's been a nice side effect of not havin' a man???

I seem to show more appreciation for my friends..I give more and more hugs!!!

I just have to have physical contact more now...not just sexual, but affection...

I think that's really important and also my cat even gets more attention..!!!!

The addict took up sooo much of my energy and time...time from my friends and also things i like to do.

By the way my cat didn't have a name when I got ex named her Q-tip because she is charcoal gey with white feet....I want to give her a new name...any ideas?????

Last edited by raerae6; 06-22-2007 at 02:37 AM.
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Old 06-22-2007, 02:23 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291

Originally Posted by Elana View Post
Can't imagine anyone asking me out for any reason beyond friendship, but you never know.

Elana, girl, give yourself more seem like a woman any man with some sense would want to know from your posts here...

i feel you , though, but I know we will both be fine!!!
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