my mother-in-law is making me feel bad

Old 06-17-2007, 06:20 PM
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my mother-in-law is making me feel bad

i dont think my MIL Is trying to lay a guilt trip on me but she is telling me how my ah is suffering and she cant stand to see him like this...and how depressed he is...she is afraid he will do something drastic.
she thinks i should give him another chance and let him come home...he has learned his lesson and if he does anything bad, then he'll have to leave and not come home. and what will i have to enforce that if i drop the ro and the divorce??? is there a legal document that can be drawn up that he has to do these things andif not, its over??
well, its easy for her to say, she doesnt have to live with him...but what about her it fair to them to have their father come home without any couseling or sobriety time???
i cant help but feel bad..and a little ah has low self esteem--my MIL says he has always been like that since he was in high school and he suffers from social anxiety. also, i feel that he has tried to "keep up with his brothers" in terms of how much money they make, and he just couldnt do it, so that made him feel worse about himself....he is very successful, but he just cant see it... his dad taught him that success is how much money you have..,at least thats how he interpreted it. And he says he cant shake that. But everyone has problems and issues, he chose to deal with them through drugs...why is it that i have to be the martyr and save him..why do i have to keep giving him chances...and I AM GIVING HIM ANOTHER CHANCE___he just has to have some counseling and sobriety before he can come home....its that simple..havent i been through enough??? what about me??
possible affair, drug use, lies, manipulation, emotional, verbal and physical abuse....
and i should let him come home because he has been humbled now..he has learned his lesson, he has low self esteem so its not his fault????? believe me,. i do feel bad for him, my heart aches for him and i only want him to get better, but if he comes home, what will give him the motivation he needs to want to do this for himself..he hasnt even admitted he has a problem!! he has denied the physical abuse even happened!!
what am i supposed to do..his family should be telling him to be a man and do what he has to do to make things right..and to leave me alone for a while.
he has no where to go? she says.... he wont live with his parents, that is HIS choice, and we have a vacant rental house we are trying to sell, but he hasnt gone there yet because he doesnt want to have to buy furniture for it....well, just get a bed and he can have the extra couches that we have here....
why am i solving all of his problems,, why do i have to worry about him AND me??
i dont think this is fair..the right people are not communicating to him what needs to be MIL is not getting it across to sister isnt either..i have one friend who will, but she is on the RO.. when i have her name taken off than she will be very direct with him, because he just isnt getting that he has to do this on his own and before he moves back in.....if that is even possible.
i still have no peace--even with an RO.
he is not a bad person,...i just think the drugs have really changed him....

Last edited by drainedwife; 06-17-2007 at 06:24 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 06-17-2007, 06:30 PM
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DW, Don't let anyone pressure you into taking your AH back if thats what your not comfortable doing. It's a big step making them leave and its so much easier to give in than not to. From my own experience my abf's mom would kinda do the same as your MIL but I think its so I have to deal with him rather than her.

Stay strong and continue the focus on you and your kids.

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Old 06-17-2007, 06:34 PM
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One of life's hardest lessons you'll ever learn is this. No one can make you feel bad unless you allow it. Don't allow it. No one else is walking in your shoes except for you. You know what is best for you and your children. You have been put through the ringer and back. You are taking back your life and no matter what you decide to do, you don't do it for anyone other than yourself and those kids of yours.
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Old 06-17-2007, 06:47 PM
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See the cycle.. she is in denial too.
My gosh.. you have seen thru the denial to the other side. This is all part of it, expecially parents and family of the Addict.

They do not want to believe their son or daughter, sister or brother, is an addict... a DRUG addict.. to admit and accept that was hard enough for you to do.

Don't let them talk you into something you do not want to do. They are feeling bad for different reasons than the ones that are making you feel bad.
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Old 06-17-2007, 06:51 PM
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I guess you could remind the mil of this..."possible affair, drug use, lies, manipulation, emotional, verbal and physical abuse...." and that he chose to act the way he did and to remind her of those facts.

Why should you suffer more just to placate him!!???

Sorry you have having this pressure from the mom-inlaw. Why is your friend on the RO as well?

My exabf's parents had dealt with his 2 older brothers having addictions, so they always told me that I was enabling him by letting him stick around...even though they didn't put it in those words.

maybe you could give them something to read about addiction and enabling so that they will 'get it'?
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Old 06-17-2007, 06:54 PM
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Ditto what loves said above. Someone here told me several months ago that 'it is none of my business what anyone else thinks about me'.

Don't let her guilt you into making a huge mistake. She is his mom and she loves him; she obviously doesn't see the problem for what it is or understand how to really put him on the road to recovery. Not your fault and not your problem.

From my experience, at least in Tennessee, if you let him come back then the RO is simply down the drain and you start from scratch. Do you really want to go there and do this all over again?
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Old 06-17-2007, 07:00 PM
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your mil does not have to live with him as long as he is with you.the choice is yours,do not do anything u really do not want to. your life is yours to do what makes you happy,not other people.prayers,hope
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Old 06-17-2007, 07:08 PM
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I mentioned something like this to you in a previous post, as I had the same sort of thing going on with my in-laws. They did in fact get to me and I brought him home, before I knew it he was right back at it again, so now I had to go through it all over again in getting back out. One night my husband was in a violent mood, coming down off his high and wanting more, he left the house and I called my mil, while I was talking to her he came back home so I put the phone down so she could here what it was like, he came upstairs with a tire iron and started smashing everything in site, our boys were crying (her grandsons) he had me by the scuff of my neck and was threatening to whack me with the tire iron....she was listening to all this going on and I yelled out to her to call the police. He then realized the phone was off the hook and smashed it to pieces.

She never called the police to help us!...he dragged me out of the house to go to the bank machine, my boys where hysterical, they managed to get a phone working and called the police, who did find us driving down the road and arrested him.

Her comment to me was I should have just given him the money he wanted, all he wanted it for was to put gas in his truck to come to their place. I can see her not caring about what was happening to me, but for a grandmother to sit and listen to her grandsons screaming in horror and not do anything about it...I lost all respect for her.

They really didn't get it until he did go live with them, but for a longtime they kept saying he is good, doing really well, never to let on what was really happening, just portraying to me all was good. Then they had to call me and tell me that he had overdosed on herion...but it was the prositute that gave it to him....still defending him, like it wasn't his fault....oh, I tell ya. Me THE PROSITUTE! Oh well she is just his friend, he is just so lonely, missing his friends and family.

Finally after sucking them dry for money, food, gas, smashing up FIL pick up, ringing up there cell phone to over $600.00 and leaving them to pay the bill, they decided that they are going to have to get a bit tough on you think!

Then he started a prositution ring and drug selling out of a trailor court that they own, his customers were doing the nasty on neighbours front lawns...she called me and appolized for not supporting me more and how sorry they were, they just didn't want to believe it.

Not a month after that I get a letter in the mail from her, telling me they were to see him and he is so depressed, that they have caused him troubles in getting around to find work by taking the cell phone away from him and the pick-up and that he just want him and I to be friends and that I should really be dividing the equity in the home with they are as nuts as he is...I just stay away and don't have any communication with them or my sister in laws.

I know what I have to do without any imput from them.

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Old 06-17-2007, 07:21 PM
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You know what? Turn off the phone. Youdon't have to answer any alls. Give yourself a break!!! It's way overdue!!!

'NO' is a complete sentence. You do not have to justify your decisions to anyone especially your MIL, as said above, she probably doesn't know how to nor want to deal with him.

Leave it go until after the court hearing. Keep the RO in place. That is protection for you and the children.

Everything else that his mom is saying and that he is saying is QUACKING. More manipulation to get back into his nice cozy nest where he can do what HE wants. No way DW.

Please, stick to your guns. Turn off the phone.


Love and hugs,
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Old 06-17-2007, 07:22 PM
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DW - You have come so far, stop worrying about him and start thinking about you. He won't be homeless! And tell your in-laws you don't want to talk about it anymore.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad -

My AH use to play the "poor me" plenty of times.
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Old 06-17-2007, 07:25 PM
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Why don't you tell her that after a great deal of thought, you think it would be wonderful if they could support their son by letting him live with them until things calm down. After all, they are his parents, and you think this could be a solution to things, that once he's sober, perhaps you'll reconsider everything.

Put the ball in their court. Let them deal with him in his addiction or whatever. Then you will not be the bad guy any longer, but will be placing things on their shoulders.

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Old 06-17-2007, 09:11 PM
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No seriously are you sure you are not confused with MY MIL?!? LOL
That is the ultimate manipulation. That is horrible for her to ask you to take him back. It's frankly none of her business anyway. She sounds like she needs to let her baby grow up and own up to his own decisions.
Sorry you had to go through that. But if you wan't my advice, I would distance yourself from you MIL. Don't answer the phone for a while. She will try and try again, and you know what is best, not her.

Go have a hot bath or foot scrub or something for your hard travels..

(((and hugs)))
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Old 06-17-2007, 09:35 PM
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its me..DW

my inlaws have offered to let him stay with them and they want him to, but he wont. he doesnt want to put them out, im sure..he never wants to burden his parents with anything and he never wants to bother his family with any of his problems....

it is very hard to tell when my ah is using, so even if he were to stay there, they would have no clue im sure..they are in their late 70's and i know he can pull the wool over their he would never in a million years admit to them that he is using, or he has used..he would feel too humiliated and wouldnt want them to suffer from knowing their son is an addict. i wish he had as much respect for me as he does for his parents.
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Old 06-17-2007, 09:50 PM
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the girl can't help it
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Don't allow your MIL or anyone else to determine how you feel. He has 2 different places he could stay. It sounds to me like he just wants to harrass you...
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Old 06-17-2007, 10:09 PM
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I like what Laurie said... you might want to reread that.

Taking calls is your perogative, not a responsibility. You can let all of them go to the message machine, and only answer the ones you really, REALLY want to answer.

You are not his savior. You cannot cure him. You cannot fix his addiction. You have no power...

Oh yeah.... Admitted.

I was powerless.

Over alcohol.

And that my life had become unmanageable.

For me... I had to learn that step bass ackwards - first I had to realize that my life had become unmanageable.... only THEN was I able to ADMIT that I really... reallly... REALLY was powerless over alcohol, or the alcoholic.

You are doing good, DW. Keep posting those questions. For those who have just been through this, it is a good way for them to share their experience. For those who are just reading and afraid to post (yet!), it is excellent information. For me, it is a wonderful reminder why I am still in recovery... and still working on it.

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Old 06-18-2007, 04:05 AM
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"my mother-in-law is making me feel bad"

there is a quote by... I think it was Elenor Roosevelt..."No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".

(Or you can substitute 'inferior with any other word...)

Trust yourself!!! That's the only person you can trust to take care of you!!!

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Old 06-18-2007, 04:36 AM
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Addiction is a family disease, affecting all who love the addict. Not everyone is in recovery or at the same place in their recovery and we each have to find our own way.

Remember that your MIL is sick too, say a prayer for her, and then trust your instincts, trust your own recovery and the heck with what anyone else thinks or says.

To thine own self be true, that's what recovery is all about. Just do what is right for you and know that you don't have to talk to anyone you choose not to.

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Old 06-18-2007, 06:51 AM
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Stop answering your phone when they call you. If you don't have Caller ID, get it. They can't make you feel guilty if you aren't letting them. You know the truth. My MIL never understand the truth about her son even up until her death. The only way I could stop the madness from her was to quit talking to her. It was hard at first and I felt mean doing it, but I just stopped taking her calls and then she could no longer mess with my head. Just like you can't control your husband and his behavior you also can not let others control you! Make your own decisions.
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Old 06-18-2007, 06:57 AM
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my MIL has just been told all of this information about her son....the drugs, abuse, etc...she had no idea. I finally told my in-laws after i got the RO because his dad came looking for him. So it hasnt sunk in yet and i know they dont want to believe this is the truth about their son..and he is denying it to they dont know what to believe.

i feel bad for him, but he has to own up to his problem, which he hasnt yet.
plus, wouldnt i be seen as a negligent mom if i let him back into the house without knowing for sure if he was clean and also the fact that he has been violent in front of the kids?? don t i owe it to them to protect them?
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Old 06-18-2007, 07:16 AM
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Yes, protect them and yourself!

I have always had caller id and I figure I pay for the phone and it is for my convience, I never answer a call unless I want to.
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