my mother-in-law is making me feel bad
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
DW,
You could also suggest to MIL that she stop by here and visit us at SR. Many of us are moms, and we understand what she is going thru. It might be easier for you to realize that she's not doing it TO you, she's just doing it - that MOM thing that many of us did to rescue our kids from themselves.
You're dealing with it from a spouse perspective, she's dealing with it from a mom perspective. It's totally different, but it doesn't mean one person's pain is less than the others.
Bottom line? You have to set your boundaries and do what's best for YOU and take care of your children, because they are still CHILDREN and need your strength and help. Your AH and his mom will have to do their own things too.
Hugs, from one who has been wife AND mom in this mess,
Cats
You could also suggest to MIL that she stop by here and visit us at SR. Many of us are moms, and we understand what she is going thru. It might be easier for you to realize that she's not doing it TO you, she's just doing it - that MOM thing that many of us did to rescue our kids from themselves.
You're dealing with it from a spouse perspective, she's dealing with it from a mom perspective. It's totally different, but it doesn't mean one person's pain is less than the others.
Bottom line? You have to set your boundaries and do what's best for YOU and take care of your children, because they are still CHILDREN and need your strength and help. Your AH and his mom will have to do their own things too.
Hugs, from one who has been wife AND mom in this mess,
Cats
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by drainedwife 
my inlaws have offered to let him stay with them and they want him to, but he wont. he doesnt want to put them out, im sure..he never wants to burden his parents with anything and he never wants to bother his family with any of his problems....
i wish he had as much respect for me as he does for his parents.
i wish he had as much respect for me as he does for his parents.
my ex used to say the same type of things. bottom line-he didn't respect his mother anymore than he did me or anyone else. He was using those lines to guilt me into taking him back. I very seriously doubt that your ah is so concerned with how they feel. Don't fall for it.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
"....he never wants to burden his parents with anything and he never wants to bother his family with any of his problems...."
But he sure as heck is happy to burden/bother YOU with his drug use/lies/manipulation/emotional/verbal /physical abuse. He sure as heck thinks nothing of dumping his problems at your feet and trying to guilt you into picking them up and carrying them for him.
Who he treats like this is a choice. His choice.
It's hard and confusing and insane. But the great thing is, you get to choose, too. Prayers go with you, sweetie~
But he sure as heck is happy to burden/bother YOU with his drug use/lies/manipulation/emotional/verbal /physical abuse. He sure as heck thinks nothing of dumping his problems at your feet and trying to guilt you into picking them up and carrying them for him.
Who he treats like this is a choice. His choice.
It's hard and confusing and insane. But the great thing is, you get to choose, too. Prayers go with you, sweetie~
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((DW)))
As a mom of an addict I can say that back in the day I would have done exactly the same thing with little regard to how it affected you. If there were a snowballs chance that it would "solve" everythibg, I was willing to take it.
What I didn't know is that what I would be asking could actually get in the way of him finding recovery.
For a Mom that thought I would do ANYTHING to stop him, here I was wishing things that might prevent things from getting better. I had no idea.
If you can't bring yourself to not answers the calls, stick to your guns, in as kind a way as possible.
What you are doing is perhaps the MOST loving thing you can do...leave him to his own resources to make healthy decisions regarding his life. As long as Mom, dad, wife, etc prevent this, he will continue to deny...wouldn't you?
Hang in there DW...you're doing great
((((Hugs))))
Cece
As a mom of an addict I can say that back in the day I would have done exactly the same thing with little regard to how it affected you. If there were a snowballs chance that it would "solve" everythibg, I was willing to take it.
What I didn't know is that what I would be asking could actually get in the way of him finding recovery.
For a Mom that thought I would do ANYTHING to stop him, here I was wishing things that might prevent things from getting better. I had no idea.
If you can't bring yourself to not answers the calls, stick to your guns, in as kind a way as possible.
What you are doing is perhaps the MOST loving thing you can do...leave him to his own resources to make healthy decisions regarding his life. As long as Mom, dad, wife, etc prevent this, he will continue to deny...wouldn't you?
Hang in there DW...you're doing great
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
As your MIL is putting her son first and formost wanting it all to be easy for him, wanting this nighmare which he created to just go away by you allowing him to just come home. You need to put your kids and yourself first as well no matter how much you feel you are hurting both of them (your husband and his mother).
I would not remove the restraining order, he's done NOTHING to warrent you dismissing it.
I would not allow him to move home, he's still not admitting he even has a problem.
It seems he is still calling the shots with all this. He doesn't want to move in with his parents, he doesn't feel he needs help, etc. etc. The easy life of an addict, get out of trouble with help from mom, make it al go away so I can just get back to my normal life. A life that includes low self esteem and social issues which he's taken care of by using, that's how he solves his problems or so he things.
I would be asking myself what is differnt now other then a restraining order.
What can I really expect to happen to my life and the life of my children if I drop this and allow him to come home with the same old promises of nothing.
Turn your phone off and take a well needed break from all of them especialy MIL right now. You can't think straight if she is pressuring you in any way.
I would not remove the restraining order, he's done NOTHING to warrent you dismissing it.
I would not allow him to move home, he's still not admitting he even has a problem.
It seems he is still calling the shots with all this. He doesn't want to move in with his parents, he doesn't feel he needs help, etc. etc. The easy life of an addict, get out of trouble with help from mom, make it al go away so I can just get back to my normal life. A life that includes low self esteem and social issues which he's taken care of by using, that's how he solves his problems or so he things.
I would be asking myself what is differnt now other then a restraining order.
What can I really expect to happen to my life and the life of my children if I drop this and allow him to come home with the same old promises of nothing.
Turn your phone off and take a well needed break from all of them especialy MIL right now. You can't think straight if she is pressuring you in any way.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: RECOVERY STATE
Posts: 12
Remember this small quote If nothing changes nothing changes!!!
Ive taken mine back 2 times now, and its worse every time they try to make you feel like its your fault and that you owe it to them to help them, once you let them back its 10 times harder to make them leave because you broke your boundries then they think they can continue to break you down, believe me sister I am there, just say a prayer, hold your head high and if he is truely serious about recovery give him 6mos to 1 year to get it together, Im a recovering addict of 7 yrs, its better that we dont have someone to lean on, we like people to enable us, it makes our using easier. That way we dont have any real responsiblities, It took me to have nothing and no one to finally come to terms with what I was doing to finally get it, recovery..
Its hard work alot of steps and a great sponsor the rest comes after that, sometimes i still make weak choices one being in the situation I am in now with my addict bf, your right when you said your MIL dosent have to live with him, they never want to know thier precious sons are annoying and out of control.. My prayers are with you think long and hard before you let him come home...
Ive taken mine back 2 times now, and its worse every time they try to make you feel like its your fault and that you owe it to them to help them, once you let them back its 10 times harder to make them leave because you broke your boundries then they think they can continue to break you down, believe me sister I am there, just say a prayer, hold your head high and if he is truely serious about recovery give him 6mos to 1 year to get it together, Im a recovering addict of 7 yrs, its better that we dont have someone to lean on, we like people to enable us, it makes our using easier. That way we dont have any real responsiblities, It took me to have nothing and no one to finally come to terms with what I was doing to finally get it, recovery..
Its hard work alot of steps and a great sponsor the rest comes after that, sometimes i still make weak choices one being in the situation I am in now with my addict bf, your right when you said your MIL dosent have to live with him, they never want to know thier precious sons are annoying and out of control.. My prayers are with you think long and hard before you let him come home...
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