I stuck to my boundaries and feel like crap.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
I stuck to my boundaries and feel like crap.
I started a thread about a month back called I Dont Want To Be Touched. It described how I feel about my bf drinking and having intamcy with me. I dont like it. He doesnt understand or in my opinion he doesnt care. He came home drunk Wednesday with a night out with the guys. He started in on me and I just went with it. I cant say I didnt like being with him, I do. I just dont like some of the things that happen. But the next day, he said he really liked being with me, but not when he's been drinking. Then last night we went to the next door neighbor and he drank 4 beers in less than an hour. I told him after the 1st one that I wasnt going to be with him if he got drunk. He made a flippant comment that he'd just go with out. That really hurt my feelings. I went home and went to bed. He came home an hour and a half later with quite a few more beers and wanted to be intamate with me. I told him no, I was tired and that I told him earlier that I wasnt having sex with him if he got drunk. He then just got pure hateful. Said for me to get the f*#%@ out of his bed and go sleep somewhere else and a bunch of other hateful things. So instead of arguing, I went upstairs on the couch. He comes up the to continue yelling at me.
I just snapped. I yelled back at him in anger that his complete disregard of how I felt on not wanting to have sex with him was just one step short of rape. I said that when he sits and bullys, guilts me into doing it it is just short of rape.
He really lost it then. He feels I compared him to the guy who raped me when I was 17. I dont talk of the rape to anyone and have only told a few about it. I was 17 and the guy was 24 and in the marines. He was my friends brother. He raped me in her house while I was babysitting her kids and he beat the hell out of me and almost killed me. He left me that way for her to find me. He was drinking that night like he did all the time. I thought he was so cool and I felt special to be liked by someone like him. I felt like someone really cared for me. I felt beautiful.
I cant go on writing about this anymore. Its making it come back in too much detail that I just wish I could forget.
I stuck to my boundaries and now Im really hating myself for it. I said something that it came out wrong. I didnt want him to interprete it like that. He will never be that guy. With him I feel so much more loved, and more beautiful than I ever could feel in this lifetime. I grew up and when I met my bf, I learned what real love was. I also learned how much hurt it is.
He said he'd never touch me again.
I really hurt him.
I really hurt myself too.
I just snapped. I yelled back at him in anger that his complete disregard of how I felt on not wanting to have sex with him was just one step short of rape. I said that when he sits and bullys, guilts me into doing it it is just short of rape.
He really lost it then. He feels I compared him to the guy who raped me when I was 17. I dont talk of the rape to anyone and have only told a few about it. I was 17 and the guy was 24 and in the marines. He was my friends brother. He raped me in her house while I was babysitting her kids and he beat the hell out of me and almost killed me. He left me that way for her to find me. He was drinking that night like he did all the time. I thought he was so cool and I felt special to be liked by someone like him. I felt like someone really cared for me. I felt beautiful.
I cant go on writing about this anymore. Its making it come back in too much detail that I just wish I could forget.
I stuck to my boundaries and now Im really hating myself for it. I said something that it came out wrong. I didnt want him to interprete it like that. He will never be that guy. With him I feel so much more loved, and more beautiful than I ever could feel in this lifetime. I grew up and when I met my bf, I learned what real love was. I also learned how much hurt it is.
He said he'd never touch me again.
I really hurt him.
I really hurt myself too.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Words, once they are out, cannot be erased and taken back. I would suggest counseling for you both.. couples counseling and there ought to be free or nearly so service in your County.
If he won't go, you should go alone.
Take a deep breath. Go to him and admit what it is you felt you did wrong but do not xcuse what he did in the process (if that is possible). Talk to him when there is NO alcohol in his system at all.. and everyone is stone cold sober.
Say what you said here. I think that explains it.
Or just apologize and leave it with your HP.
Do what you need to do for YOU.
If he won't go, you should go alone.
Take a deep breath. Go to him and admit what it is you felt you did wrong but do not xcuse what he did in the process (if that is possible). Talk to him when there is NO alcohol in his system at all.. and everyone is stone cold sober.
Say what you said here. I think that explains it.
Or just apologize and leave it with your HP.
Do what you need to do for YOU.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Gwen, I am so sorry. Sometimes when we are angry we say things that we just don't mean. I agree with Elana maybe if you both are able to maybe you guys could go to counseling. Take it easy and dont beat yourself up with what you said.
I am so sorry for everything that your going through. Praying for you Gwen!
Jewel
I am so sorry for everything that your going through. Praying for you Gwen!
Jewel
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by GwenMarie30 
I said something that it came out wrong. I didnt want him to interprete it like that. He will never be that guy. With him I feel so much more loved, and more beautiful than I ever could feel in this lifetime. I grew up and when I met my bf, I learned what real love was. I also learned how much hurt it is.
He said he'd never touch me again.
I really hurt him.
I really hurt myself too.
Next time you see him when he is sober, just tell him what you said above. Explain to him why you don't like to get busy with him when he is drunk...about the way it makes YOU feel. That's my suggestion. I'm sure he will forgive you and if he's a real man, he will also apologize as well.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
I'm sorry you are hurting so much, you have so much on your plate right now. Maybe since he was drunk he wont' remember what you said anyway! You deserve to be treated better, with more respect, than that.
susan
susan
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Next time you see him when he is sober, just tell him what you said above. Explain to him why you don't like to get busy with him when he is drunk...about the way it makes YOU feel. That's my suggestion. I'm sure he will forgive you and if he's a real man, he will also apologize as well.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Gwen, we've discussed this. This is not the first episode of his verbal and mental abuse.
You need to start documenting now, so when the legal problems are cleared up, WE (you, I, and an attorney) can get this straightened out also.
Call me if you need to or want to talk some more, I have a phone next to my bed and you know I don't mind late nite, early morning calls.
I love you sweetie,
Love and hugs,
You need to start documenting now, so when the legal problems are cleared up, WE (you, I, and an attorney) can get this straightened out also.
Call me if you need to or want to talk some more, I have a phone next to my bed and you know I don't mind late nite, early morning calls.
I love you sweetie,
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
gwen, i am sorry you have to go thru this.you can explain to him how you feel when he sobers up. you tried to avoid this by going to the couch.you said in one of your other post how he drinks to much since you have moved.i think it is time for a counelor.he does not seem to have any respect for you at all.you have enough problems without dealing with him too & his insane ways.you do not deserve this at all.i am saying a prayer for you.you know we are here.
Sweet Christmas secrets
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: ALASKA
Posts: 119
I totally agree with cynical one. NO is NO whether they are drunk, stoned or if you just aren't in the mood.
this is abuse
and typical of an addict to turn it around so the guilt is yours not his.
you should not be feeling guilt over his refusal to respect you or your boundries.
this is abuse
and typical of an addict to turn it around so the guilt is yours not his.
you should not be feeling guilt over his refusal to respect you or your boundries.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
gwen, i'm sorry that your hurting and your in my prayers. i have to agree that no means no. what you described is mental abuse and in my opinion just short of rape. you should continue to stick to your boundaries and not give in just because it upsets him, hes obviously thinking about how he upset you. please do not feel guilty, you did what you should have. you do not have to tolerate any kind of abuse.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Oh Gwen...I am so sorry.
I don't think your meant it directed at him, but more than likely these are triggers for you...and rightfully so. It might be hard for you to sit and relate this to him by yourselves, do you think that maybe a counselor might be of some help. They have ways of relating things that make it easier to understand.
Rose
I don't think your meant it directed at him, but more than likely these are triggers for you...and rightfully so. It might be hard for you to sit and relate this to him by yourselves, do you think that maybe a counselor might be of some help. They have ways of relating things that make it easier to understand.
Rose
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I agree that NO is NO. If he really loved you in a healthy way, he would understand your need to feel safe. His drinking seems to be getting in the way of him being able to understand. Maybe he needs to take a look at himself and see that maybe he has a problem with alcohol. You don't need to feel badly about sticking to your boundaries. They are there to protect you, Gwen. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Hello All. Im still doing ok. My weekend was hell but not any different than what I was expecting. He was hateful with a capital H. Actually come to think of it he was more indifferent than hateful and in my opinion thats worse for wear. I made several attempts to talk with him and he would have none of it. Yesterday was Fathers Day and his entire family was here. They could feel the tension and not a word was spoken between the two of us. Not until after they left.
He went to the garage and I went down to talk once more. He launched into that he couldnt believe that I would compare him to the most degrading and painful thing in my life. He also said that that was just what set everything off. He said he cant stand the fact that I have never worked in our time we have been together. I admit he is right here. In the last 11 years, I have never kept or held a steady job and been able to contibute to this life we have together. And then I get into trouble with my drug habbit and driving while revoked. I have been arrested several times over the last few years for either driving, drug problem, or not paying fines. I dont support myself or contribute to this family. He absoluetely despises me for that. It does not matter that I am a stay home mom and take care of kids and home and him. He is about getting ahead in life. Not paying for his girlfriends screw ups. He hates me for that. And now I am leaving for what was to be 4 years and now its come to 4 months. Even that doesnt matter. Its time that he and my kids have to do with out me. They are the ones left to deal with the wreckage of my past. Im constantly in some kind of trouble or another. He is sick of it.
As far as the rape being the most degrading and painful thing in my life, he couldnt be more wrong. It was most certainly the most degrading thing but not any where near the most painful. The abuse I have suffered from my dad, the times my bf has hurt me kicked me out, all the hateful words and abuse from him has been what has hurt me in my life the most. Why? Because it hurts most when it comes from someone you actually love. And when they cheat on you, play on your feeling, desert you for someone else only to keep coming back not once or twice even but so many times, that is what has been the most painful times in my life. Because I loved someone who didnt love me enough to want me, to stay with me. And then just comes back like nothing is wrong. Its my own fault there for letting him back each time he would leave me for someone else. Im quick to forgive but can never forget.
Some of the other most painful times in my life has been when my kids were taken from me, when I have been put in jail, when I learned that the one person I have loved the most can treat me as if I am nothing. These are just a few of the things in my life that have been more painful than the rape. Because they are done to me by someone who is says they love me. A violation to the body and even the mind is nothing compared to the violations of the heart and soul. Yes, the rape was hard, but I managed to suppress it and hide from it most of the time. I moved on in my life. Its still there in my memory when something triggers it but otherwise its dormant. But indifference and abuse from a loved one is far more detrimental to my mind and heart than what happened so many years ago. This is here and now. The pain of many of these things have receeded and Ive gotten past it. I forgave the past of my life. Not of the rape but of by my loved ones.
He went to the garage and I went down to talk once more. He launched into that he couldnt believe that I would compare him to the most degrading and painful thing in my life. He also said that that was just what set everything off. He said he cant stand the fact that I have never worked in our time we have been together. I admit he is right here. In the last 11 years, I have never kept or held a steady job and been able to contibute to this life we have together. And then I get into trouble with my drug habbit and driving while revoked. I have been arrested several times over the last few years for either driving, drug problem, or not paying fines. I dont support myself or contribute to this family. He absoluetely despises me for that. It does not matter that I am a stay home mom and take care of kids and home and him. He is about getting ahead in life. Not paying for his girlfriends screw ups. He hates me for that. And now I am leaving for what was to be 4 years and now its come to 4 months. Even that doesnt matter. Its time that he and my kids have to do with out me. They are the ones left to deal with the wreckage of my past. Im constantly in some kind of trouble or another. He is sick of it.
As far as the rape being the most degrading and painful thing in my life, he couldnt be more wrong. It was most certainly the most degrading thing but not any where near the most painful. The abuse I have suffered from my dad, the times my bf has hurt me kicked me out, all the hateful words and abuse from him has been what has hurt me in my life the most. Why? Because it hurts most when it comes from someone you actually love. And when they cheat on you, play on your feeling, desert you for someone else only to keep coming back not once or twice even but so many times, that is what has been the most painful times in my life. Because I loved someone who didnt love me enough to want me, to stay with me. And then just comes back like nothing is wrong. Its my own fault there for letting him back each time he would leave me for someone else. Im quick to forgive but can never forget.
Some of the other most painful times in my life has been when my kids were taken from me, when I have been put in jail, when I learned that the one person I have loved the most can treat me as if I am nothing. These are just a few of the things in my life that have been more painful than the rape. Because they are done to me by someone who is says they love me. A violation to the body and even the mind is nothing compared to the violations of the heart and soul. Yes, the rape was hard, but I managed to suppress it and hide from it most of the time. I moved on in my life. Its still there in my memory when something triggers it but otherwise its dormant. But indifference and abuse from a loved one is far more detrimental to my mind and heart than what happened so many years ago. This is here and now. The pain of many of these things have receeded and Ive gotten past it. I forgave the past of my life. Not of the rape but of by my loved ones.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Gwen))
I hate so much that you are going thru this pain. I have read your post & from my understanding you are working hard at your own recovery.
You are not a bad person. You do not deserve to be degraded or put down by your bf because you suffer from a disease. Yes, this disease has caused some very wrong decisions in your life, but you are working hard to correct that in your life - No one has the right to continually try to make you feel less than for your past mistakes.
You are a beautiful person, your Higher Power's wonderful creation - please don't ever let anyone tell you anything otherwise!!
Praying for comfort for you and healing from this pain,
Rita
I hate so much that you are going thru this pain. I have read your post & from my understanding you are working hard at your own recovery.
You are not a bad person. You do not deserve to be degraded or put down by your bf because you suffer from a disease. Yes, this disease has caused some very wrong decisions in your life, but you are working hard to correct that in your life - No one has the right to continually try to make you feel less than for your past mistakes.
You are a beautiful person, your Higher Power's wonderful creation - please don't ever let anyone tell you anything otherwise!!
Praying for comfort for you and healing from this pain,
Rita
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