So what do I do now?

Old 06-15-2007, 02:02 PM
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So what do I do now?

My husband is an addict. I can't ignore it anymore, and he says he wants to stop.

Great. What now?

Money is beyond tight, and we don't have insurance, so that leaves rehab out. I looked for NA meetings in our area, but the closest one is over 50 miles away, which is just not workable. He tells me to just hold all of our money and not let him have it, but we've tried this before. It works for a little while, (like until the next payday), and then he harrasses and manipulates and lies, and I give in. Doing the same routine over and over again is not helping. He needs more help than I can give him, and I need help to help him. Or just to deal.

I'm sure there are resources out there, I'm sure that there are things I can and should be doing. But I have no idea where to start. I'm completely lost. If things go on as they are, I know how it's going to end. It will destroy our marriage, and probably leave my kids without their father. I don't think either of us wants that to happen. But I don't know how to change it. I don't know what to tell him when he asks what he should do -- I don't even know what I should be doing.

I'm just lost.
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Old 06-15-2007, 02:09 PM
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nice to meet you, orangeblossom -

what about aa instead of na? many folks go to aa instead - it's the same program. and there is usually more meeting choices/locations.

and can you get to alanon?

there are free rehabs - i believe the salvation army or maybe the ymca has them?

glad to meet you, and keep posting!

blessings, k
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Old 06-15-2007, 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Orangeblossom View Post
Money is beyond tight, and we don't have insurance, so that leaves rehab out. I looked for NA meetings in our area, but the closest one is over 50 miles away, which is just not workable.

Hi Orangeblossom, I'm sorry to hear about what your going though and I can definitely relate. As for the rehab, I was in the same predicament, we didn't have insurance, my ah wasn't working and my job was barley paying the bills. We found a place that he went to for 30 days, they offer financial help, by you either making monthly payments over a certain amount of time, or in our case it was paid for us by a scholarship. I'm not sure where your located, but if you would like more information feel free to PM me.

Susan

Last edited by best; 06-15-2007 at 07:45 PM. Reason: removed e-mail address. Not a safe idea to post in public.
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Old 06-15-2007, 02:54 PM
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Hi, I'm sorry for what you are going through. The Salvation Army has free rehab. They make the people in thier rehab work instaed of paying money.

In my state, they have something called 'Rule 25" which is a program where you can get 28 days in-patient free if you do not have insurance. Maybe your state has something like this.

Call the United Way, they are in the phone book and on line. They can direct you to resources.
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Old 06-15-2007, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Orangeblossom View Post
I don't know what to tell him when he asks what he should do -- I don't even know what I should be doing.

I'm just lost.

Orangeblossom, well, for one thing, something that you should be doing is taking care of you and your children. As for your ah, I know the sorrow that comes with wanting to make it all better, but he needs to take the reins and do something about his addiction, it's not your job. My ah in the beginning kept asking me to help him, he wanted help, but didn't want to do the work. It took me kicking him out and then him going to detox and then to rehab. He's been clean and sober for almost a year and 1/2. It saved our marriage and his life. He's a totally diffrent person now than what he was. It's been my experience that addicts are lazy. You can love him and try to help him find a place, but he needs to be the one to make the phone call, and follow though. Don't let him push everything on you, he has to do it. Take care of yourself and your kids, they are the most important, they need you. Remember: You can lead a horse to water, but you make him drink. Keep your head up!
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Old 06-15-2007, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by gasolinegirl View Post
Orangeblossom, well, for one thing, something that you should be doing is taking care of you and your children. As for your ah, I know the sorrow that comes with wanting to make it all better, but he needs to take the reins and do something about his addiction, it's not your job. My ah in the beginning kept asking me to help him, he wanted help, but didn't want to do the work. It took me kicking him out and then him going to detox and then to rehab. He's been clean and sober for almost a year and 1/2. It saved our marriage and his life. He's a totally diffrent person now than what he was. It's been my experience that addicts are lazy. You can love him and try to help him find a place, but he needs to be the one to make the phone call, and follow though. Don't let him push everything on you, he has to do it. Take care of yourself and your kids, they are the most important, they need you. Remember: You can lead a horse to water, but you make him drink. Keep your head up!

That all makes sense to me in my head, and in fact, I told him much the same thing. It's just a little easier said than done. Part of what I'm trying to figure out is what I should be doing for myself to make myself stronger, so I'll be less likely to give in or to do everything for him. Do everything myself seems to be my first instinct, but I know this isn't like doing the dishes... me doing it all for him is not going to help either. So how do I get past that? How do I just stand back and watch? And what are the limits? I mean, he's got to make the call, OK, but is it ok for me to look up some numbers? Or find out ways that we might be able to deal with this financially? Or does he have to do all that by himself too?

I'm scared to death of what will happen to me and my kids if I do have to kick him out, and I've told him that I will do it, if he doesn't get some help. So I need to come up with some sort of plan for me and the kids to survive, because I may have to follow through on that. I know that I have to follow through this time. I just don't know how yet.

I know I'm not going to get all my answers at once, I know there are plenty of things I'll have to figure out for myself. I'm venting here. For the last 24 hours, all I've had are questions and fears. It's like I've been sleeping for years, and I suddenly woke up in a totally new place. And now I have to figure out what to do to survive there, and how to get to wherever it was I was headed before I fell asleep. Does that make any sense?
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Old 06-15-2007, 03:50 PM
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Hi Orange, as k mentioned many NA'ers attend AA, the programs are very similar. Al-Anon might be an immense help to you. I wish you the best in your recovery.
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Old 06-15-2007, 04:59 PM
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As far as money goes, an addict will take everything you have and lose it all. They don't want to do it, but they do it because they can't help themselves.
Keep money set aside for yourself. I had to do that or I would have been pennyless and homeless.
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Old 06-15-2007, 07:31 PM
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welcome to S.R. there is alot of information here.as far as your husband & in patience rehab contact your local heath dept or mental health dept.they can help him get in somewhere,also the salvation army.there is help if he wants it.it is his recovery,his problem.you keep coming back.i will say a prayer for you both.
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Old 06-15-2007, 07:53 PM
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HI, welcome! I'm very sorry that you have to go through this and I think I understand what you mean about suddenly "waking up" to the reality. It can be very overwhelming. A wonderful woman in Naranon told me the first thing to do was breathe. It makes sense...we are so tense and overwhelmed that sometimes just sitting back for a minute and breathing deep helps us refocus.

There's lots of good advice here. I know that the Florida east coast is called the recovery capital of the world, so there may well be some free programs available. Maybe a list of some names and numbers might be a loving gift to your husband....the rest is up to him. I hope you will check for local Alanon meetings..They are so helpful for those who love addicts. Please keep reading and posting...I haven't seen anyone yet who hasn't felt better once they started taking steps to help themselves. Hugs
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Old 06-15-2007, 08:20 PM
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Everybody has given me some great advice, and some things to think about. Thank you all so much! I checked online and did find Alanon meetings in my area, and I'm planning to go after the weekend is over. (I work double shifts on the weekends, I'm home all week.) It's nice to know that there are people I can "talk" to from home too, though. Thanks to all of you.
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Old 06-16-2007, 05:49 AM
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Orangeblossom...

Welcome to SR!

Lots of great advice before me.

The addict in my life is my exhusband (exah). We have an 8 yr old little boy together. I remember the feeling of waking up to a nightmare all too well. I remember asking all of the questions you are asking...feeling the same emotions of fear, anger, and doubt. Its such a hard thing to go thru...especially when kids are involved.

I never thought I'd get out of the hole. I felt trapped...absolutely trapped...like I was a hostage to my exah's addiction. Oh...it was horrible...and then...I found SR and realized that there WAS a way out of the darkness. The turning point for me was when I realized that nothing I did or said was going to make my exah get better. Nothing! I tried everything...nothing worked...and then one day a lightbulb came on and I looked around and realized that I had been putting all of my energy and focus on HIM...trying to find solutions that would work for him...finding rehabs...visiting him at rehab...praying for HIM...spying on him...trying to fix everything so that I could keep my family in tact. And...after several years of trying...he kept on doing exactly what he wanted to do and I was full of so much anger and resentment. But the moment I realized that I was powerless over his problem...that it wasn't my 'job' to fix things...I started making decisions in my life that were in my best interest and the best interest of our son. One decision at a time...my life started falling into place.

Its not an easy path...but it can be done. I"m glad you found us...and I"m glad to hear that you're going to check into some live meetings for yourself. The beautiful thing is that you can get better and improve your life regardless of what your husband does. It took me a while to realize this...but its so true.

I hope you keep coming back. This place has been such a blessing to me and I hope it is for you too.
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Old 06-16-2007, 06:54 AM
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My advise may sound off, but I believe Codies have enough on their plate. I would sugjest leaving his recovery up to him. Let him decide what he want's to do, and if he's truly ready, he will move mountains to get there.

(((Sending hugs)))
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Old 06-16-2007, 09:39 AM
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(I'm scared to death of what will happen to me and my kids if I do have to kick him out, and I've told him that I will do it, if he doesn't get some help. So I need to come up with some sort of plan for me and the kids to survive, because I may have to follow through on that. I know that I have to follow through this time. I just don't know how yet. )




Although I'm coming at this from a different angle, my daughter is my addict, having been to the depths of addiction...my daughter lost her son, her apt, her job, her car...she now sleeps in homeless shelters and hooks for money, she was a registered nurse....I guess I'm just telling you, leaving is not the worst that can happen. If things are bad now, they can get a whole lot worse, with drug dealers coming looking for money etc., etc.

If this is early on for you, it may not seem that bad. And addicts are able to hold things together for some time....but then there seems to be a downward spiral which happens very quickly, and it is just like a tornado sucking everything into it, you can get swept into the vortex very quickly. Start putting money aside, hidden, just for you and the kids now.

Praying for you and your family
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Old 06-16-2007, 10:59 AM
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someone here knows the web site that gives info on free rehabs, i forgot who it is, i would post a specific thread about free rehab, they will probably respond
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Old 06-16-2007, 11:26 AM
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Yep... Alanon for me, and if I NEED to do SOMETHING for the addict, I can gather some information. When they ASK, I can have it ready.

Then more Alanon for me.... and then some more.... and then, maybe, even some more.



((((Orangeblossom))))
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