Wascally Wabbit

Bookmiser, I just got back from a business trip, so haven't been here in several days.

Any way, your son will be on my prayer list for this evening.
Sometimes pot can make you paranoid. So, maybe that's the thing that's skrewing with his mind.
Keep up the healthy and strong attitude.
Hugs,
WW

Ann

Book, I don't know how you can breath with all that fear dancing around you. I know, because I've been there, and I have to tell you all the worry and fretting in the world won't change one tiny thing.

We don't live in denial anymore, but that doesn't mean we need to pull our chairs up close for a better look, we most definitely won't like what we see.

Let go, let God and find yourself some peace, girl, you deserve it.

Hugs

outonalimb

((((((Linda))))))))

Lots of good thoughts before me.

I know you're struggling with all of this. I know how hard it is for you. I can't help but think about step one...go back to step one...you are POWERLESS over all of this. You can't fix this for him as much as I know you want to. He's got to find his own way. I know you know all of this already...but please take yourself off the hook on this one because there isn't a darn thing you can do to change things around for him. Your seat in the front row isn't helping...its only hurting YOU and thats what I'm most concerned about. I just hate to hear the fear and worry in your post. I understand where it comes from...I do...but please try, if you can, to let go and put the focus back where it needs to be...on YOU and your peace of mind and well-being.

All said with love and concern...you know that...

hope213

linda, i hear your pain. i am sorry about this.i really wish we had a magic wand but we don't. all we can do is give it to our H.P..& let it go.i will say a prayer for your son, for you & even his dad.hugs,hope

frankie_b

" Maybe I should just stay out of the damn way " Amen to that.
You are powerless once again. It seems in your role as confidante you remain close
with son and end up spinning your wheels in the parking lot. A codie's
need to feel needed is a powerful hook. His living conditions are all by his choices, ditto all the other stuff in his life. He's no longer the little boy you could really help and make a difference in his life. He, the grown man needs to do that for himself Mom. Now, get out of the way and LIve your best life.
Said with love.

havehope

Just reminding you that you are in our prayers. Have a peaceful night if you can.
Terri

bookmiser

Well, lol. I did alot of awfulizing last night and this morning. No doubt.
I'm glad you all were here to row me back in to shore.
I really needed that.
That's what I love about you all. Ya don't beat around the bush. lol
After I got off here and started getting ready for work, I looked in the mirror and said, out loud, to nobody, "Linda, get a grip. You can't go to work with this sour a$$ look on your face. Get it together". So I did. I went to work and dealt with the bs there and stopped thinking about his crap. Around 9:15 I answer the phone and he it's him. He's like, "what are you doing?"
"I'm working, and you?"
"Watching the ballgame with dad."
"So I guess your better tonight?"
"There wasn't anything wrong with me last night."
"Whatever you say, Jay. Just don't call me anymore when your feeling crazy."
"Okay, I love you."
"I love you, too. Whether you were high on something or not, I don't want to listen to you be insane. I hope you go to the doctor soon, and that's all I'm gonna say.
I'll talk to ya tomorrow or something."
That was it. I dropped the recovery ball and lost that game, but recovered it in the second half and I'm back on track. Trial and error, boys. Trial and error.
You all are such a blessing, ya know? Especially you, Dolly. Man! Your one harsh puppy. I get what your sayin', but honestly, I'm not like this all the time. Just when he calls crying. He doesn't cry often, so when he does, I take it seriously.
Oh, and just so know, my husband comes first. He's never questioned that.

The drugs are tangible. That can be fought. Mental illness scares the sh*t outta me. Having a nervous breakdown and being locked up....that scares me to death.
Anyway, it was a drama filled night, and I let my fears fly high. I'm gonna try harder next time to keep them in check and rationalize things first. Let things I can't control go and pray my butt off for serenity.
Thanks again all, for reaching out and throwin' me a life preserver.
With love,
Linda

BigSis

(((Linda)))

Lovestoomuch

((Linda))

I'm getting in here late, but know you're always in my thoughts and prayers.

Nina Kay

Hey Linda,
I'm coming in here real real late, but I did want to say first that I do understand how you feel as a mother of an addict son.
At first when I read your post, I thought that it was manipulation, because I could see my son doing that to get me to move him back home, since he knows exactly what buttons to push with me. But then I remembered what a couple from Alanon said about one of their sons that has used marijuana a long time. They told us several times that this son has no memory left. That he does what you described about him not remembering that you were just on the phone with him for an hour before getting cut off. This son of theirs supposedly uses only marijuana. I too agree that marijuana nowadays is much more potent than when we were teenagers. I just wanted to tell you that to try and help you feel better about whether or not your son was losing his mind. He definitely needs to get away from the marijuana and I'm sure that he'd be back to normal with time clean. In the meantime, I'm with the others as far as your benefit is concerned. You are powerless over your son and his addiction. I'm happy for you that he didn't agree to live with you when you left that offer open. He at least has a roof over his head where he is and if he doesn't like living like that, he can always make the choice to not do drugs, to get help to recover, so that his mind is not altered to the point that he can't make a living and get his own place to live. Maybe you could remind him of that opportunity to go to rehab that he turned down before, if he hates where he is so much.
I'm definitely not trying to be harsh. I live in your shoes most of the time. These are things that I say to myself daily and I know that it's all easier said than done. I do just want to say that my 2 cents is that his mental problems are caused by the drugs and nothing else and the only way that you could possibly help him is to get him to stop taking drugs (marijuana). But as we've learned, WE are powerless to stop our children's drug use. He has to want it and to make that choice for himself. Our part is to turn them over to our God and to trust Him to have mercy on and love for our children and for God to work this all out in ways that are best for our sons.
Here are some very (((((((((((Understanding & Compassionate Hugs))))))))))))))) from a Mother of an addict/alcoholic son to another Mother of an addict son.

greeteachday

((((((Linda))))) Just sending more hugs and many prayers for you both. my dear friend

bookmiser

Last time we heard from Linda the Bookmiser, she was kickin' herself in the a$$ and gettin' herself off to work with no thought whatsoever of the chaos that lives in the boonies.
Went to work early today. It's hot here. Real hot. Left work an hour early cause there was nothin' goin' on. As called and asked if I was gonna come out to see him.
When the gf is spending time with her kids, he wants to see me. I'm the 2nd fiddle, as they say.
I debated... uuuhhhmm, okay.
So I drove to the boonies while listening to Jim Brickman on his piano. Soothing....
He and his dad were watching the Reds game and drinking coffee outside.
Yes, I said outside. They have the tv outside and sit under the trees in lawn chairs.
Bunch 'o hillbillies. God love'em. I shouldn't say that.
Anyway, I went right from work and had a book with me about a young man who grew up in the 50's with an alcoholic mother and father. Memoir, kinda.
I love a stage. So, I turned to chapter 1 and proceeded to read aloud. lol
I concluded chapter 1 and told them they'd have to wait until next time to see what happens next. I was just goofin' off.
Then I got serious. I ask his dad if he knew about the phone call the other night.
He said no. Son proceeded to explain. Here's what happened...
He and his dad (father/son bonding) are growing 3 pot plants in the woods behind hillbilly's house. The other day, as dusted the plants with pesticide. POISON!
He then, 2 days later, tore leaves off the plants, dried them, and well, you know the rest. He called me instead of a poison control center.
I just stared at him bug-eyed.
Then I, very gently and quietly, went on to explain the idiocy behind his thought process. In other words, I called him stupid.
He said he didn't have any money for pot and thought he'd try out the new "garden" stuff they were growing. OMG!
I raised quiet he!! and dropped the subject. Had an hour long visit, and told him I hope he remembers me being there, and that I was goin' home.
See what I mean about the relationship we have. That boy will tell me anything.
I'm starting to wonder if he does it for shock value. I know it's my fault he's so open with me, but sometimes...
I don't know. I told him never to call me high again, and if I even suspect him of being high, I'd hang up and unplug the phone.
Yeah. I know. I'm allowing the behavior, so deal with it, right?
I am. One day at a time.
Thanks for reading,
Linda

Sorry for the size. I don't know how to shrink pics. This is my son a couple of weeks ago at my brother's cookout. He's about 30lbs. heavier than he was last year. I'm glad for that, anyway. He's cut his hair since then. His usual summer burr. I kinda liked this look. He was wearing a girl's barrette in it to hold it back. lol

marteen

Hugs & prayers!

From one mom to another; a "mother" hug!

I find that awfulizing and having "expectations" are my enemy. I try to stay away from them. It takes practice but it can be done! I know!!

Nina Kay

Thanks Book for sharing this picture of your son with us. He's good looking. He looks alot like one of my son's best friends. Take care of yourself. It does seem like you're handling things alot better than I am. Keep growing.
((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

marle

Linda, I know what you mean about the sharing. When my daughter was here in March, I got the full story. You know, things like how she sucks on fentanyl patches and anything she can get her hands on. How she has done sooooo many drugs. I gave her a book about a drug addicted girl and was telling her about the part where her boyfriend burned her breasts with cigarettes and guess what!! The next day my daughter came over with 3 cigarette burns on her chest. I did not react except to tell her that the burns were no accident. Anyway, I refuse to let my daughter use me as a sounding board anymore. If she refuses to clean up her sh*t then she can deal with it. Something that Outonalimb said to me just really opened my eyes. When my daughter told me that if she dies her abf will just dump her body in the woods, I felt scared. Out told me that it was pure manipulation. I never saw it as that. Now I do believe that my daughter has used a lot of things to manipulate me to keep me involved. We really do teach our children how to treat us. I want better and I am willing to wait. Hugs, Marle

lostparent

Nice pic he's a good looking guy. Will keep you an him in my prayers.

frankie_b

Linda, he's a fine looking young man. There are many things we are powerless over,
however we have 100% power over conversations WE engage in. We don't have to listen to drug sagas, endless troubles or anything else we'd rather not hear or know. Hugs and prayers Mom.

2muchlove

Many prayers for your son and you!

Love,
Jen

bookmiser

Everyone,

Just wanted to once again, say thanks for your replies.
Had to work early shift today. As called me this afternoon and asked if
I would come pick him up so he could spend the night.
I called hubby first to make sure it was okay with him.
Picked him up and chatted about nothing all the way home.
I fixed him something to eat and now he's eating my friggin' cookies and cream
ice cream. Oh well. lol I guess I can share this once.
It's nice to have him here for the night, but I feel compelled to entertain him.
I'm used to just talking to hubby or the cat. lol
I'm dropping him off in the morning to meet his dad and go to work.
Tonight I'm good.

Linda

p.s. here's another pic. I don't have alot of people to share them with, so I'll share with my sr family. Sorry for the size. Somebody tell me how to shrink these things. lol

lil516

What a nice picture...I can see a sparkle in his eyes!

I pray he begins to realize his worth and know that his life is worth fighting for...

my prayers...