SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/)
-   Friends and Family of Substance Abusers (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/)
-   -   Taking other's inventory (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/126111-taking-others-inventory.html)

greeteachday 06-14-2007 08:44 PM

Taking other's inventory
 
I’ve been trying to work on not being judgmental…really focusing on it; trying to catch myself in the act and rework my thinking. Interestingly enough, when it comes to addiction and recovery, I think I have let go of most judgment and can put principles before personality more times than not.

My struggle is in the day to day world. There are just certain people who make me uncomfortable, annoy the heck out of me, try my patience or who I just think are slimy. Some I can choose to avoid and rather than judge, just accept that I don’t have to like everyone, but some I do have to work with or I’m related to them, etc. I find it hard not to start taking their inventory, even though I know it isn’t good for anyone.

Case in point today….I’m on a working group and a member brought in someone else on his staff who tends to do everything possible to take a doomsday approach to things, criticize every suggestion and to undermine teamwork. I suspect it’s because if a project fails, he doesn’t have to work…but here I am taking his inventory. He is also a person that gives me chills…just something very uncomfortable about being in his presence…It bothers me quite a bit that I was passing judgment and yet in this case, I haven’t been able to get past it. I not only thought these things, I said something to the other member. I did express it in terms of telling him he is a better person than I am for trying to work with this guy, but I don’t think my motivation for the comment was pure…I wanted him to know how I felt...I hate being manipulated but here I am manipulating another by such comments. I’m not happy with myself about that.

The only thing I have been able to do is ask HP for some guidance. I suspect he is the one who put the thought in my head to post here for some thoughts and experience.
What has helped you avoid taking other people’s inventory?

Hugs!

Live 06-14-2007 08:51 PM

I don't know ......I have to be able to trust myself and if someone gives me the creeps usually my subconcious is picking up on something.

I don't have to like everyone. Not everyone has to like me.

As long as I am not reacting to stereotypes or bigotry, then I think I have the right to my feelings about someone.

??????

best 06-14-2007 08:58 PM

Nothing
I do it all the time. Some people just take notice of every little detail and they need sort out what they take in as well. I am not that blessed but I do notice a lot.

I take what I see and refocus the output to something constructive.
Seeing a need that another may let me know where I should focus my prayer for that person.

Lord, let that person find out what soap is used for.
Lord, let that person gain a vocabulary.
Lord, let that person find peace so they won't be so negative.
Lord....

Understanding why some people do things as they do helps me understand why they do what they do. The negative person with the low selfesteem in the meetings.... A positive reply that directs things in the right direct would work.
Yes John if that happens, you would be right but if we don't try we will never know. I think we can do it and with your help it should go ok.
By letting him know he can be an important part of the success, you would be motivating him and helping him lift his selfesteem...thus over time be removing his negativism.

raerae6 06-14-2007 10:44 PM

I try to trust my instincts, because they are usually right. if someone is 'creepy' to me or I get a negative vibe, i try to stay away.
I see how i feel after being around someone- and if they drain my energy, i try to stay away.

I find that a lot of times if there is a quality in someone that I do not like-if I look at myself, I find that I have the same fault. But not always in the same extreme as the other person.
I guess maybe I'm not sure what you mean by 'taking anothers inventory'. But if i have an opinion about someone, especially in the work place, it's better kept to myself I think.
As far as being judgemental, i am sometimes, but I find that the more mistakes I have made in life-the less judgemental I am of others.

splendra 06-14-2007 11:07 PM

When someone gives me the creeps I step back from them because I think my gut is trying to tell me something.

Sometimes they are reflecting something I don't want to see in myself and a step back will allow me to see that.

Then other times my gut is protecting me....I and don't think that is taking someone else's inventory. It means my BS antenna is working...

iamunique 06-14-2007 11:34 PM

(((Greet))),
This is a great topic. I have really had some real inner struggles lately about judging my A's.

"The only thing I have been able to do is ask HP for some guidance." ~Greet

Well no coincidences, that was the only thing I have been able to do that is working.
of couse I have to recognize what I am doing first. AND (((Greet)) you did..

Then I humbly asked Him to remove my shortcoming and Let Him take care of the rest.
That's all I have to do. I've found some peace that I haven't had in a very long time.
I also believe that when I'm pointing a finger at someone else, there's 3 pointing back at me. ... I'm actually juding myself. I see something in them that I don't like about me.

And Like Live wired said we also have that God-given inner radar that warns us that certain people just not healthy or safe for us to be around. So we do have to make certain judgement calls.
I also like the suggestions Best gave, it really is so much easier to give the people that rub us the wrong right back to God.


There's a really good book about judging and forgiveness called 'Who told you you were naked.?" if you;re nterested.
Anyhow that's my Two cents worth...lolz
Your in mu thoughts and prayers

Oh and try not to beat yourself up...lest you be judging yourself.

Love and Hugs,
Iamuniwue

caughtinthemid 06-14-2007 11:48 PM

Funny, I took a training class for my day job about ethics (totally unrelated to recovery) and the teacher asked, which of these three organs are the smartest, our brain, our heart or our gut.

He said gut. I agree. If something feels off, it probably is. I don't have any words of wisdom on how to react, except to be cautious. When it comes to career behavior, all I can say is do what you think is right, CYA (cover your behind) and try to spin that team towards solutions rather than focus on the problems.

Best wishes to you, Greet! Career politics suck but those that find a way to move forward in spite of the negative contributors move up. And yes, your HP will certainly guide you in the right direction!

Ann 06-15-2007 02:37 AM

Oh Greet, you have touched on something I've given thought to lately as well. I'm dealing with a similar work situation and finding myself annoyed more than normal.

I'm guilty too, but what is funny is that I am guiltiest when someone triggers huge resentments in me...and therefore I really need to do my own inventory to deal with those resentments.

I find it hard to express my own thoughts or opinions at work when someone is waiting to find any fault they can or just throw in negative remarks that have no substance.

My thoughts are that I wouldn't let anyone get away with this in my "out of work" life, so I should be able to express my feelings appropriately at work too, perhaps by taking the person aside and just telling them how I feel.

Also. take a look around next time and I'll bet others are walking on eggshells too rather than confront or deal with this person who annoys you. Sometimes just calling the annoyer on their behaviour is enough, sometime just remembering that anyone that unpleasant may have something bothering them and that they are sick people who could use our prayers.

We don't have to allow negative people to infiltrate our positive energy. That's something I will make a point of remembering today.

Hugs

helpus 06-15-2007 04:16 AM

Greet, Wow that's some timing on this topic. I have been working hard for quite sometime to not take someone elses inventory. I have learned that I don't always know the whole story, and that alot of the things I would judge would be things that really don't matter in my world. They don't have much impact on my life, so I am learning to not give things a second thought. They are not worth my energy.

BUT the last couple weeks I have not been doing as good a job as I would like. My SIL is a very negative person, and not very motavated. I am doing a wedding shower this weekend for her daughter, so I have "had" to be in more contact with SIL than I would like. I find myself thinking why did she not do x & y ..& WHAt the heck is up with Z???? I think when I put my best effort forward and also put my heart into somthing, I might judge someone when I don't think they are not doing the same. But this is something I truley have sturggled with the last couple weeks and really need to learn when something isn't my buisness, and doesn't make a dent in my world. Thanks for the post.

Elana 06-15-2007 05:08 AM

I never took inventories on people. Really. Just never did. I take people as they are.. don't see their looks or anything.. but try to see who is inside. Always cut everyone a LOT of slack. ALWAYS.

However, I am different today. I have been hurt and as a result of that I look at people a bit differently. I go with my first impression very quickly now and if that is judgemental, I am sorry. However, I think it is a coping mechanism and it may be me protecting me from getting involved again with another loser? I make people earn my trust. Sorry.. Rambling here?

That being said, even if ppl at work annoy me or creep me out I just let it go. Can't choose my co workers, just got to deal with them. Negative ppl can't be fixed but they can think and solve problems, so if that sort of person is on a team I quickly get them doing a job.. either assign one to them if I am the leader or ask for their help if I am not. People cannot do two things at once. Get them working on something and that usually quiets the whining and whatever else they do that is unproductive.

I don't know if this makes sense or helps in any way.

cece1960 06-15-2007 05:59 AM

I am much different in my professional actions than personal.
I am an inventory specialist.
Not by trade mind you, I just catch myself investing way too much time in personal judgements than I'm comfortable with.
Its tough when you work towards goals that can make or break your own career, success, vision, and someone steps in the way.
Do you take them out...cool and clean and come out smelling like a rose, but feeling a bit smelly in the process?
I struggle with this everyday, but I know I struggle because I'm kind at heart. Not everyone is in the real world.
I do the best I can, leaving myself a window for the necessary apology. I have no problem apologizing.
I think it takes strength to do so.
And I've been trying to build bridges of trust with those around, so I don't feel quite as obligated to speak up on all occassions.
But I slip often with the mouth to others...and I don't like myself for it one bit.
I'm working on that.
Great thread ((((Greet))))
Cece

GiveLove 06-15-2007 06:45 AM

(((Greet)))

You ask such good questions. I can't guarantee I'll have good feedback, but it'll be unique to me and my odd world, so...

Being a contemplative sort of person (in fact, I earmark a section of every morning just for thinking, writing, and meditation) I found that a certain form of meditation called "metta" helps me a lot.

I'll start by sending gratitude to myself and my instincts. They are there to protect me, and they are good. They're also almost always right - there's a reason why you have the creeps, in other words. You're sensing or smelling or hearing something that is deeper than just the person's overall disgruntled state.

I'll think about what's important in the situation. For me, the work I do is truly a labor of love. I love my work and am very protective of it. Is this person's attitude interfering in your work group's ability to create the message/product/result that it wants to create? Your inventory-taking could be your inner champion, your inner Artemis, saying, "Hey, you know what, this person's attitude is damaging our best efforts." Give that some airtime. Is it time to recommend, kindly but clearly, that he no longer be involved because of the energy drain he places on the rest of the team? That's perfectly legitimate. I have fired clients who simply brought too much baggage and too much bad juju to a good and honest effort.

And the metta part -- metta is a Pali word that means, roughly, "loving kindness". You practice it, even a couple of minutes at a time, by sending out love to people -- ALL people. You start with yourself, give yourself a deep mental bow for even having the compassion to begin this conversation. Then move on to people you love. Send them a wish that they will find the guidance and peace they need to become better people. Then you can work on acquaintances, strangers, and finally, people you don't like. Send this guy some love, some optimism, some willingness to see things differently.

All of us deserve love, no matter how lousy we are being. Bad behavior comes from deep inner pain and fear....and the world can only benefit by sending more love splashing around.

Anyway.....a couple of centuries of that and I should have it down :)

And if none of that works, a direct confrontation always works. "It's not really productive or necessary to take that perspective, and it's damaging our teamwork."

Greet, you're wonderful!

GiveLove

marle 06-15-2007 09:22 AM

I don't think that judgements are always negative. I think some can protect us. We are a combination of our upbringing and experiences both positive and negative. As long as you realize that you are making a judgement and the only thing you do is what you need to protect yourself, I see nothing wrong with that. Hugs, Marle

marle 06-15-2007 09:28 AM

Greet, Just wanted to add an example from my own life. I judge my daughter's abf as a creep. But I look at the facts. He gives my daughter drugs. He abuses and controls my daughter. He ignores his own three daughters. I really don't care if he had an abusive upbringing. I really don't care if at one time he was a nice person before drugs. All I know is what I see now. I stay away from him because he gives me the creeps. I cannot or will not be around him and I will not accept what he is doing. I don't do anything to him, I just stay away. Am I making a judgement. Yes, but it there to protect me. So that is a postive in my book. Hugs, Marle

Elana 06-15-2007 09:34 AM


Originally Posted by GiveLove (Post 1372294)
(((Greet)))

You ask such good questions. I can't guarantee I'll have good feedback, but it'll be unique to me and my odd world, so...

Being a contemplative sort of person (in fact, I earmark a section of every morning just for thinking, writing, and meditation) I found that a certain form of meditation called "metta" helps me a lot.

I'll start by sending gratitude to myself and my instincts. They are there to protect me, and they are good. They're also almost always right - there's a reason why you have the creeps, in other words. You're sensing or smelling or hearing something that is deeper than just the person's overall disgruntled state.

I'll think about what's important in the situation. For me, the work I do is truly a labor of love. I love my work and am very protective of it. Is this person's attitude interfering in your work group's ability to create the message/product/result that it wants to create? Your inventory-taking could be your inner champion, your inner Artemis, saying, "Hey, you know what, this person's attitude is damaging our best efforts." Give that some airtime. Is it time to recommend, kindly but clearly, that he no longer be involved because of the energy drain he places on the rest of the team? That's perfectly legitimate. I have fired clients who simply brought too much baggage and too much bad juju to a good and honest effort.

And the metta part -- metta is a Pali word that means, roughly, "loving kindness". You practice it, even a couple of minutes at a time, by sending out love to people -- ALL people. You start with yourself, give yourself a deep mental bow for even having the compassion to begin this conversation. Then move on to people you love. Send them a wish that they will find the guidance and peace they need to become better people. Then you can work on acquaintances, strangers, and finally, people you don't like. Send this guy some love, some optimism, some willingness to see things differently.

All of us deserve love, no matter how lousy we are being. Bad behavior comes from deep inner pain and fear....and the world can only benefit by sending more love splashing around.

Anyway.....a couple of centuries of that and I should have it down :)

And if none of that works, a direct confrontation always works. "It's not really productive or necessary to take that perspective, and it's damaging our teamwork."

Greet, you're wonderful!

GiveLove

Awesome advice for any part of living! Thank you.

(and the next time the puppy goes to chew on the recliner I will tell her, "I understand your inner pain and frutrstion, but, IF YOU DON"T CHEW YOUR TOY INSTEAD OF THIS CHAIR WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM!)

mooselips 06-15-2007 02:04 PM

Oh Gosh, Greet, one of my continuing character defects.
I try SOOO hard NOT to be judgemental, but sometimes,
my thoughts just go that way.




But there's plenty of good suggestions to try here, so I'm ready, willing and able.

Thanks, Greet, just what I needed today.....

parentrecovers 06-15-2007 02:15 PM

i try to take my husband's inventory sometimes. it such a nice distraction from my own flaws :)

poor guy.

GiveLove 06-15-2007 03:00 PM


Originally Posted by Elana (Post 1372552)
Awesome advice for any part of living! Thank you.

(and the next time the puppy goes to chew on the recliner I will tell her, "I understand your inner pain and frutrstion, but, IF YOU DON"T CHEW YOUR TOY INSTEAD OF THIS CHAIR WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM!)


Wasn't it Teddy Roosevelt who said, "Speak softly, but carry a big-a$$ bottle of Bitter Apple?" We've never had furniture issues. Now, tripping over their thousand toys and kongs and nylabones and squeakies, well..... :)

greeteachday 06-15-2007 07:18 PM

This thread is a keeper for me...There's so many excellent thoughts, experiences and suggestions. I do ponder things incessantly... I've been working on the strengths of that characteristic while letting go of the weaknesses of it

Best, I read your words earlier and tried to implement that today...Seeing the need and focusing prayer in that direction. (Funny, a conversation came up today about a unique co-worker who saves money by not showering and air cleaning his clothes...I thought of your first example!)

Givelove, Your thoughts really are inspiring and I will start practicing the metta part...what a wonderful thought.

Thank you all too for letting me know that it is okay to feel that gut "creeps" and to listen to it while at the same time working on seeing the pain beyond the personality. When I do so, I can feel more compassion for his situation...Such a negative person really has no one and from what I understand, he has alienated his family too. That is sad.

hope213 06-15-2007 07:24 PM

(((greet)))some times we have to trust our instinits on certain things.maybe your are not judging this person could be your H.P. is just telling you to beware.prayers, hope


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:22 PM.