I am not the problem!!!
 

My husband works for a family business. He is an addict. They have chosen to reduce his salary to almost nothing and we have been barely surviving for 2 years. We are over 50 thousand dollars in credit card debt which is mainly mine because he has no credit. They kept promising to reimburse it when the business gets better.
MY father in law called today and said we need to open the line of communication and he really needs to know how his son is doing. I told him that I had caught him using some the last few weeks. After lots of pushing from him!!! He proceeded to attack me and tell me we have no future. He asked me why I ever married his son. He said I must have low self esteem. I told him that I had no knowledge of drug use before my husband. I tried pot in college and hated it. I have never even seen anything else. I came into this marraige as a single mom after a sad divorce 5 years earlier. I am not and have never been a party person. They loved me to death when we were dating. They hoped I would change their child. They knew I was responsible and decent. Now they blame me.
I feel I am going to go bankrupt. They are extremely wealthy and try to control people with their money. They have threatened to take the kids before if I left him. Now they blame me because I did not cure him in 10 years of marraige. I have changed in this marraige. I used to be considered attractive. I was complimented alot. Now I am 50 lbs. heavier and don't recognize myself. I am alone and try to be a good Mom. I am the room mom. I go to all the field trips. I do EVERYTHING for our household. I do not feel employable now. I had 3 years of college but did not finish. Can anyone give me info on medical careers. Nursing, radiology, anything. I need to find something to support myself and the kids..... Thank you. I am so depressed.

((hoping))
No, you are not the problem. I admire your strength in trying to move forward toward a medical career. I feel a career like that will never let you down, you should be able to find work wherever you go, I know in this area there is always a shortage of nurses.
I am in similar circumstances, but my ah has been gone for 3 years, lives with agf. I'm much older than you and just can't figure out how to make it on my own. I was the Supermom as well. My reward hasn't been monetary, but I have 3 great adult kids and super grandkids. Unfortunately, that doesn't pat the bills.
I do know it is very difficult to find a path if you don't feel good about yourself. I'm going to try to get to the gym, starting next week, hoping if I get stronger physically maybe I will get stronger mentally.
I'll say a prayer for you and your family. If you need a friend, please pm me anytime.

I don't have any resources for yo as far as the medical field...but i know it's a great career. Is that what you went to school for? Maybe you could go back to school and get your degree. Federal financial aid is easy to get.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with his family, they sound like awful people.
Have they ever read about addiction? What in the world makes them think you can 'fix' him? I guess I don't have much info for you, I just want to give a hug.

Hoping, I'm so sorry that his family is putting the blame on you. I suspect they are hurt and upset and feel powerless, so putting the "blame" somewhere is their way of coping.
I'm glad you are thinking about ways to do something for you...thinking about going back to school is a great idea. My daughter looked into community colleges for medical tech training...It's so much more reasonable than private schools and the programs are great. She was able to get federal grant aid...the applications were available online. Many community colleges have their degree programs and information online...even applications. Perhaps Googling ones in your area may get you started.

You are so right, you aren't the problem...you know that in your heart; we do too, and your in laws do too, I strongly suspect. I'm glad you aren't wasting your energy trying to argue the point with them...they have to find their own recovery.

Hugs and prayers.

sorry your going thru this I sent you a PM

Why is it that in the end we seem to end up being the issue..........

tonight when I spoke to my AH from rehab he starts telling me things his counselor has said like..................you never committed to you marriage your void of emotion I'm not sure you love her and I'm not sure you ever have..............and that he the counselor was calling me tomorrow.........
AH has been really detached for the last month or more and ...........so I ask him what do you think and he says I DONT KNOW ........

maybe its me and my codependant issues coming out but I really feel like "they" are there looking at his "life" trying to find reasons for his ISSUES and now somehow I am becoming the issue...its because he doesnt love me maybe hes just been miserable or something ..........GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
The blame game sucks!

--- They hoped you would change their child--- ?!?!?

You know now what you did not know then. Be strong and healthy for your children.. sending (((HUGS)))

Oh ((((hoping)))) I see a bit of myself in his parents, and it makes me feel ashamed.


We are not wealthy, but we did sometimes look to our son-in-law as a "great white hope" for keeping our daughter clean. She is still clean today, but we also never gave HER much credit for that. I can see that just by reading your post... it may not make sense, but it does for me.


You are an incredible woman.... up against such odds, and still paddling to beat the band!! Yay Hope!!!!

My sis, who is 47 years old, 3 years clean and sober and totally broke has been living with my mom and taking classes at the community college. She also needs something that will earn her a decent living and get her into retirement without having to rely on someone else.

Her choice has been to study for a radiological technology degree. Because she didn't finish high school, she has spent some time getting caught up in those classes, and at the end of the year, she expects to have her AA completed. Which will be just in time to get into the Tacoma Community College radiological technician course. She is excited.

She will need to do about 3 years at TCC, but will be coming into a job field that pays about $26/hr. to start - often with a sign on bonus of a couple thousand dollars. Minimum wage around here is almost $8/hr, so she will be making 3 times minimum wage... if that helps correlate the wage to whereever you are.

She won't have to deal with body fluids, or life/death issues and though there may be some lifting, it shouldn't be beyond her ability. It is a technical field (she took some career classes and found out she excels at detail oriented stuff), without the need for in-depth communication (a place where she is still developing skills).

Sound like a choice for you? Especially if you already have high school under your belt... this is a field that is looking for candidates.

Another one is "respiratory therapy"... from what I understand, it has a similar timeline for education and similar pay.

If you are in a desperate hurry, you might check out phlebotomist... the person who draws blood at the hospital lab. This job generally pays fairly low, but can get you in the door to receiving benefits and a steady income. It also can be had with "on the job training".


I do wish you well, and pray you can live each day to the fullest. Try not to "future-trip" too much... I doubt they can't "get the kids" because YOU are a fine and upstanding parent, it is THEIR son who is the addict.

You might want to document with pictures, gather up any documentation of your hubby's arrests, job failings, reprimands and store it some place safe - maybe a file folder at your mom's. No need to make things easy on them IF (big IF) that time comes.

You are a good woman. You are a good wife. You are a wonderful mother.


THOSE are the things to hang onto.


(((hoping))))

they all sound toxic. i'm sorry you are in this situation. blessings, k

Thank You
 

Thank you for your responses. It is so nice to be able to discuss, vent and feel safe about it. So many of us have chaotic lives. Thank for the advice on the medical careers. If anyone else has any advice that would be terrific. I hope everyone has a terrific weekend. I know I find myself dreading the weekends. That is when my husband is his worse.

Speaking as a nurse....fair pay...unparallelled opportunities to travel, and you can get a job in any country, or any state...big shortages everywhere

:)


Having said that....if I had to do it again...I would open a business....less stress...lol

((((((hoping))))))

They hoped I would change their child, they could not do it, how could you? they need a program in their life, but i am sure they would never do that.you are a smart lady & i am sure there are jobs out there just waiting for you.set your goals & start prepareing yourself for a new way of life.there is nothing you can do for your husband & everything you can do for yourself & your kids.sending hugs & prayers, hope

My mom is a Rn and I started to follow in her footsteps, she talked me out of it. said like the above poster, too much stress, however good pay. I am now pursuing the legal feild, Criminal law to be exact.

You are not the problem, I am not the problem and I still feel like I am sometimes, and like you my FIL and MIL are very wealthy people and also try to control people with their money.

Like you, I too use to be very attrative, lots of compliments. I gained about 35 pounds with my 10 year marraige and with having children ect..

There is hope though, I have worked very hard to lose weight and I have succeeded. I am starting to look in the mirror now, and like what I see. I am tring to work my program everyday, and although today I am struggling with this, I still believe that there is peace and serenity at th end of this long tunnel. I pray to my HP on a daily basis and I keep repeating to myself, that my recovery works if I work it.

Many hugs and prayers to you and your family.

Love,
Jen