mkchic

ok need some advice, it always seems like I need advice from you guys. My husband has been clean for 45 days. He voluntary went to rehab 2 weeks ago. This is the first weekend that I can visit. I received a second letter yesterday stating that it is very important that I bring cigarettes for some other guy. Not even for him. It is a Christian facility that has a no tabaco policy. It is very important to me that my husband come home tabaco free. I am 6 weeks pregnant and I am struggling with quitting myself. I am doing a great job, but I know that if my husband comes home smoking, it will be very hard for me. I have expressed this to him. I am not sure why he thinks that it is so important for that other guy to have smokes. I think that this puts me in a very bad position. What if they get wind that I have brought those up there and I cant go visit him again. He will be there for at least 6 1/2 more weeks. My emotions are all over the place. If he is ugly to me when I get there, I dont know if I can take it. I really need to see him for my own selfish reasons. I am already struggling with my blood pressure this early in my pregnancy and I dont need the added stress. He can't have phone calls so I won't be able to tell him any of this before I get there. This has totally taken the joy out of my whole trip. Now, I am almost to the point where I think that it might be best to stay home. I know that addicts are selfish, but i thought that we were on a new page. This is the first selfish thing he has done in 45 days. Any thoughts?

marle

Are you sure the smokes are for the other guy or is this his way of getting them for himself. If you do not feel comfortable doing this, then tell him no. If he gets mad, that is his issue and he is in a good place to work it out. If you are pregnant and trying to quit, then he should understand. I hope it works out and congrats to you for doing something so healthy for your unborn child. Hugs, Marle

cali

hi mk-
If someone asked me to pick up a "bottle" for a friend, there is no way I would because that would put me in danger of drinking.
You have every right to protect yourself and your baby-and you can say that it may put you in jeopardy of picking one up and that's not a safe place for you to be.

*or simply say "no" because, after all, it is a complete sentence

mkchic

That is the weird part. My husband smokes, but the cigarettes that he has asked for is not the kind that he smokes.....weird huh?

MeggieStar

Don't take the cigs. It's against the rules of the center, so that's all the justification you need. "I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable doing that." End of story.

I understand that visiting the first time is very nerve-wracking. You'll probably feel much better after a little bit of visiting time. Try not to awfulize or "what if" too much. Nothing you can do to control your husband or if he stays smoke free. Concentrate on taking care of you (I know it's hard) and your little bean. Quitting for pregnancy is a great reason to quit! Have you visited to Nicotine forum here? Lots of support there too.

Good luck!

Jwife22

I have to add this.....I watch Lockdown and shows like that about prison life. In on of the most recent ones the guards were talking about how 1 pack of cigarettes can go for $400 in tobacco free prisons. The inmates break them down and make smaller (2 cigs out of 1) cigarettes out of them and sell them for $10 each. 40 cigs times 10 bucks =$400.

I'm sure that I wouldn't take them if it was me.

Elana

No is a complete sentence. You can say no and he can guess why and you can change the subject and not say. He knows they are not legal in that environment.

Don't be projecting the future.

I do recall a few times I REALLY wanted to be comforted by my xhusband or my xabf.. and every time they just could not come thru. I still wish for that.. but they are both gone and it ain't happening.. but it wasn't happening when they were around so it really does not matter.

Elana

and what JWife said..
I never thawt of that..... ppl amaze me.

MeggieStar

At the Salvation Army where my AH is, there is a woman who rolls cigarettes for her husband to sell on the inside. He sells them $14/dollar. It's not a smokeless facility however.

I won't say it's strictly by the book but no one seems to care. My AH said this guy was the breadwinner and the wife isn't working so they use this money to supplement their income!

However, I wouldn't suggest it. If the powers that be found out, he could get kicked out easily.

Cecilia

Yes that is true about the cigs. Cigs are used as currency in all prisons. They can smoke outside where Elvis s so they dont go for $400 a pack.

The probably owes this guy for something and the cigs are pay back.

mkchic

that is what i have thought about too. I just can't take the chance of him not completeing this program. It is a great opportunity and he needs that.

ncdeac

Bringing him cigarettes or not won't change whether or not he completes the program. If he wants to complete the program and make the right changes, he will...if he doesn't, he won't. Like everyone else has said, simply say no. You don't have to provide him an explanation.

MeggieStar

((Mkchic)) It's not your chance to lose honey...it's his. If he messes up it's on his own head and his choice. You don't have to aid him in bad choices, but ultimately his actions are his own.

Hugs...

GiveLove

A very good thing for all of us to learn how to say (and mean) whether or not we're dealing with an addict is:

"I'm sorry, I love you but I'm not comfortable doing that."

Most of us are IN the troubles we're in because we were never taught that it's okay to say those words.

In this case, it's not only true but it's a great opportunity for you to practice your boundaries in a safe way. He's in rehab...if he gets upset, then he's in the right place with people who can help him work through it in a healthy way.

You've got to take care of YOU and the baby first. He comes second. If you cannot do this when he's safely away in rehab, how will you handle it when he comes home and makes demands that are much worse than this? Now is the time to practice, and get good at it.

Just my opinion.

Hugs,
GiveLove