detaching...with love?
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 19
detaching...with love?
I understand the concept, but I'm seriously having a hard time with it. I love my ex, but I am so ANGRY with him for so much. Mainly I get angry because I see that his addiction is ruining so many positive things in his life and he won't get help for it. So I've detached, because 1) I had driven myself crazy trying to make him get well and (2) because I didn't want a front row seat to all of the madness. Now my codependency is rearing it's ugly head 'cause I'm sitting here feeling like the bad guy because I did what's right for me. In the back of my head I keep thinking that maybe it wasn't the right thing for him because maybe my detachment was out of anger or frustration. Or maybe it was out of love for myself? But then that seems selfish. HELP! How does a codie like me detach without feeling guilty or selfish?
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Not feeling selfish or guilty is an indication of my recovery and how much work I need to do on myself.
When I feel guilty for doing whats best for health and sanity, I know I need to regroup, read some recovery lit, hit a meeting, come here, or just wait.
Detaching with love to me, was only possible when I stopped even considering whether my choices were good for the addict.
Here was my train of thought..I know this is best for me and Im feeling better, but what if this is hurting him, makes him get worse, feels abandoned etc.I
I had to stop my train of thought after 'this is best for me' and add 'for today'
I dont think detaching with love is a cake walk or all of us wouldnt be here!
I know its said alot, but I try to do things for myself that make me feel good in a healthy way when I am feeling guilty. My guilt is usually based on a feeling of shame. I didnt really get through that till I did my 4th step, but until I was ready to work a program (which was not for a long time!), just taking bubble baths, getting manicures, sleeping in, gardening, etc were helpful in taking away the guilt.
When I feel guilty for doing whats best for health and sanity, I know I need to regroup, read some recovery lit, hit a meeting, come here, or just wait.
Detaching with love to me, was only possible when I stopped even considering whether my choices were good for the addict.
Here was my train of thought..I know this is best for me and Im feeling better, but what if this is hurting him, makes him get worse, feels abandoned etc.I
I had to stop my train of thought after 'this is best for me' and add 'for today'
I dont think detaching with love is a cake walk or all of us wouldnt be here!
I know its said alot, but I try to do things for myself that make me feel good in a healthy way when I am feeling guilty. My guilt is usually based on a feeling of shame. I didnt really get through that till I did my 4th step, but until I was ready to work a program (which was not for a long time!), just taking bubble baths, getting manicures, sleeping in, gardening, etc were helpful in taking away the guilt.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by elizabeth1979 
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Here was my train of thought..I know this is best for me and Im feeling better, but what if this is hurting him, makes him get worse, feels abandoned etc.
Here was my train of thought..I know this is best for me and Im feeling better, but what if this is hurting him, makes him get worse, feels abandoned etc.
Our trains run on the same track it seems! This is exactly my train of thought. Just when I start to feel good about me and the decisions that I'm making for my life, I start to wonder about how my decisions are affecting him. Yesterday was great, I'm thinking about relocating so I spent some time updating my resume and job-hunting in other cities, went to a late evening Nar-Anon meeting and stopped at a friend's house after the meeting for some fresh-out-of-the-oven brownies. Mmmmmm. It was a good day, but today all I can think about is whether he'll feel abandoned when I go.
Thanks for your advice, I'm definitely going to do some of the things that you recommend. Sometimes when things feel so heavy we forget how nice the simple things like bubble baths and gardening can be. I'm also reading Codependent No More which is REALLY helping a lot. I'm just at chapter 18 which explains the 12-steps, but after reading your post I snuck a glance at step 4. The first line says "We take our eyes off the other person and we look at ourselves." That's exactly what I need to do.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi Confused,
I tend to think we all start by detaching in anger (if we can detach) and then as we work on ourselves and have some sort of program...like coming here or Naranon, Alanon, we develop the tools we need to detach with love. I think it is certainly OKAY to detach in anger, anyway to get out of that front row seat helps...try not to let the guilt set in. It helped me to know that whatever I thought I was doing to help, was really not helping since it was delaying the time when there were real consequences that could help to get to the point where the pain of using was greater than the pain of getting clean.
I also found that learning all I could about addiction helped me to see that it is a disease and the matter of choice really goes out the window when the addict is active in the addiction. I don't mean that the fact (it is a fact in my mind anyway) that it is a disease is an excuse and we should keep enabling; rather it helped me to truly find compassion...to learn my addict wasn't doing this "to me" but was just doing what the disease makes one do. I've seen the recovery struggle too many times to believe this is just about a moral flaw or "will power." And when I could separate the disease and the anger I felt for addiction from the person I loved, that helped me move forward and detach with love.
For me, it is working a program...lots of Naranon meetings, readings and step work and coming here. Keep taking those baby steps...they all add up. Hugs and prayers.
I tend to think we all start by detaching in anger (if we can detach) and then as we work on ourselves and have some sort of program...like coming here or Naranon, Alanon, we develop the tools we need to detach with love. I think it is certainly OKAY to detach in anger, anyway to get out of that front row seat helps...try not to let the guilt set in. It helped me to know that whatever I thought I was doing to help, was really not helping since it was delaying the time when there were real consequences that could help to get to the point where the pain of using was greater than the pain of getting clean.
I also found that learning all I could about addiction helped me to see that it is a disease and the matter of choice really goes out the window when the addict is active in the addiction. I don't mean that the fact (it is a fact in my mind anyway) that it is a disease is an excuse and we should keep enabling; rather it helped me to truly find compassion...to learn my addict wasn't doing this "to me" but was just doing what the disease makes one do. I've seen the recovery struggle too many times to believe this is just about a moral flaw or "will power." And when I could separate the disease and the anger I felt for addiction from the person I loved, that helped me move forward and detach with love.
For me, it is working a program...lots of Naranon meetings, readings and step work and coming here. Keep taking those baby steps...they all add up. Hugs and prayers.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
For me, Letting go with love means I am letting go of the chaos that comes with addiction. I am strong in my boundries. I cannot be manipulated as easily as when I get caught up in it all. As Greet said, learnig about addiction helps a great deal. It is a learning process. I can hate the drugs, hate the addiction, hate the drama, but still love my daughter with all my heart.
Letting go with love also means that I understand I cannot make my daughter well. It is up to her. I leave her in Gods hands. I trust He will do what is nessesary for her to learn what she needs to move past addiction.
I am a mom, and still have moments where I doubt myself & doubt the lesson being taught, but I try to hang on, have faith, and breath.
Letting go with love also means that I understand I cannot make my daughter well. It is up to her. I leave her in Gods hands. I trust He will do what is nessesary for her to learn what she needs to move past addiction.
I am a mom, and still have moments where I doubt myself & doubt the lesson being taught, but I try to hang on, have faith, and breath.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
honey, none of this is your fault.you have nothing to feel guilty about.you detatch because there is nothing you can do to keep him clean or make him use.you do not have that power.let go & let God.you take care of yourself & that is not selfish.you tried to "fix" him & that is impossible.you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it, & you can not CURE It.saying a prayer for you & him too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 19
Wise words from everyone. Thank you. Your responses are all extremely helpful and reassuring-- I appreciate them and I appreciate each of you!
Especially, I appreciate you pointing out that maybe my anger is at the addiction, not the addict--that struck a chord. Now that the guilt trip is out of the way, I'm going to really try to redirect my energies and focus on me.
Especially, I appreciate you pointing out that maybe my anger is at the addiction, not the addict--that struck a chord. Now that the guilt trip is out of the way, I'm going to really try to redirect my energies and focus on me.
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