dixied

friends,

I saw my counselor and told him about my son's relapse. We discussed it in depth and things he SHOULD have or COULD have done or put in place and he did not. Such as (1) tell someone, anyone, sponsor or not that you are having difficulty. He chose not to do this.....his decision.

My counselor said we offered rehab again which was the right offer on our part. Son declined in order to make his own plans. Counselor says that is not a bad thing.He will either succeed or fail by his own merits (i.e. if he succeeds he will know he did it without family help..if he fails he realizes he did not have enough rehab time (6 mos) and that maybe going back and then a halfway house might be a consideration.

Bottom line..........he is dealing with consequences for his action. He is going to HAVE to accept life on life's terms. My family and i have not given him one thin dime.....if he is hungry i still feel bad about that but then i have been told no assistance in any way. I have not called him either as i have been advised against that. But he must know he is still loved. So here is day 5 and we have given no help at all.

I guess I want him to know financial help isn't coming this time BUT Iam going to make sure my grandchild is not doing without because he is innocent in all this and no one is going to change my mind on that issue. thanks for listening...dixie
(ps....my son did start his job and he didn't get looked down on for riding a bike to work.....so he is indeed working. It's a start)

MeggieStar

Dixie,

Yes your son should have called someone before he picked up. This is true of any addict in recovery. But your counselor is right in saying it was AS's choice and now he will deal with the consequences. That is a good thing! A counselor at my AH's rehab told my AH just the other day "It was such a struggle, it was SO hard to bring my life back after relapse, but having to struggle that much was a way to remind me that I never wanted to go back to that again and I never wanted to have to struggle that much again."

We will hope that your son's struggles will make him a stronger person in his recovery. After all, he is taking the right steps today to get back on the path.

I agree with taking care of your grandbaby though. I know I would do the same thing.

Hugs!

CatsPajamas

This jumped off the page at me.... it's true of US too. We are (many of us,anyway) addicted to THEM, therefore we should reach out to someone else in recovery before we dive back in and take on responsibilities that are not ours to take.

Thanks, Meggie... and Dixie? It's sooo hard but you are doing the best thing for your son.

Cats

parentrecovers

i understand. blessings and big big BIG mom hugs, k

BigSis

They don't call someone before they pick up.... that made me smile.

Do you have any idea how many times I have come in here or called my sponsor only AFTER I've used old behavior?

They are no different than us.


But it sounds like he is on track, and so are you..... (((Dixied)))

greeteachday

Your counselor sounds like he/she understands program...so good that you have someone to help you through these tough times. I found I could only do what i was comfortable doing and when i was comfortable doing it. I am sure your son knows that he is loved and I know I would make sure an innocent child was protected as well...nothing to question yourself about there. Hugs and prayers, Dixie, you sound strong.

Wascally Wabbit

You are so strong, and such an inspiration for me. You know I struggle too, only now that my son is back in jail, I feel a sense of relief and peace. I don't have the chaos knocking at my door every day.

hope213

a job is a start,a good start.maybe he really sees you are not going to give to him.i know it is hard but it is the right thing.prayers, hope

dixied

thank you each and every one for your kindness and support which means more than I can say. Wabbit i don't know how strong i really am..... I only know my way didn't work before in helping my son. Oh, let's see. I ['d make excuses for him (not even dreaming it was drugs) I'd say it was his sleep apneas kicking in causing problems, I'd say he was always a sound sleeper...that's why he's late for work.....when he forgot my birthday AND everyone else's I 'd say it's a "guy" thing......oh, if i had only known! And sometimes I think maybe just maybe it IS an emotional problem for him that hasn't been addressed causing him pain.....and then that guiilt of what if.....what IF I caused this, what if my child-rearing skills had been better, what if I hadn't divorced his dad and we had been more cordial parenting him.........but then my dh of 27 years says no he made a choice down the road a long time ago and it has nothing to do with us........but yet there is this little nagging and that is my HARD part to try and work through.....anyway, I just want to say thank you for your prayers and genuine concern..........dixie

marle

Dixie, What you have to remember is that we all make mistakes with our parenting. We all make mistakes with our addicts. I have felt the guilt in the past and still sometimes do. I have to remember that everything that I did for my daughter was because I loved her. Maybe sometimes too much. But what I did was not done with malice in my heart. She tried drugs because she thought that they were the solution to her pain. By the time they became the problem it was too late. She was addicted. Your son was probably the same. But our children both had other choices. Mine was seeing a therapist and on anti-depressants. She just wanted that quick fix. So, no matter what you did or did not do for your son, his choices now belong to him. Step back and see where life takes him. You might be surprised. Prayers and hugs, mom. Marle

dixied

thank you marle.......your comments makes me feel better. I wonder.....did you know your daughter was in pain emotionally? My sticking point is my dh says my son just wanted to "experiment" that there was no underlying issue. I just don't know how to resolve the difference of opinion. My dh has washed his hands of him......it is very tense here........dixie

marle

Dixie, My daughter was diagnosed as clinically depressed before drugs. She also had severe bulimia. She was seeing a PhD therapist and had been given tests that showed she had suicidal tendencies. She was put on an anti-depressant but started to gain weight. So instead of waiting the 8 weeks it would take she tried methadone that a friend at work had. She also tried cocaine because another co-worker told her it would help her lose weight. She did not like the cocaine, but fell in love with the opiates (oxycontin, vicodin). She told me that they gave her energy and she felt that she could conquer the world. What she was really feeling was the replacement of the dopamine that she had depleted due to her eating disorder. It became a vicious cycle for her. Opiates make food taste good. She did not want to gain weight, so she continued to binge and purge, which made her feel worse. So she did more opiates which made her feel better but caused the weight gain, and around and around she went. Then she met the man downstairs who makes a lot of money and was willing to trade sex for free drugs. Today she sits in a seedy motel and uses and eats. Has gained 30 pounds but it may be more since I have not seen her in over three months. I guess the point is that we really can't help our children. They have to want it and the only way that I can see my daughter wanting help is when what she is doing does not work for her anymore. It may take being arrested. It may take her abf dying or going to jail.
Last June she told me that she did not want to live like she was living so once again I took her to the doctor and got anti-depressants for her. She used them for 2 months and then stopped because they made her feel weird, but she was still using drugs, so I am sure the combination had something to do with it. She is not ready and I refuse to watch her die. So I leave her alone in her misery and pray. Hugs, Marle

marle

Even if your son started using to have fun, it has probably changed for him. I believe all addicts eventually use to cover the pain which is caused by the things that they do to support their habits. So it really is not important the why so much as what you and your husband do to protect yourselves. Give up the guilt. Guilt only feeds into the addict's addiction because it causes us to do too much for them. Hugs, Marle

caileesnana

Marle & Dixie,
Much of the same w/ my daughter. She was taking the antidepressants, still "self medicating" and told the psychiatrist she fooled her. She also suffers from much pain that she didn't deal with, some her fault, alot wasn't back as a child. I agree they want the quick fix, and all they do is hurt theirselves. I too have mad so many mistakes, but like ya'll, it was only out of love for her. I do feel that deep down they know that. However, until they figure out what their pain was and work through it, drugs will always help themm cope in their pitful way.

we're all in this together!
susan

Nitelite

(((Dixied)))
The thing is, I have two sons. I made mistakes with both. Big mistakes, little mistakes, dumb mistakes, mistakes I thought were smart at the time...But only one became an addict.
We take so much of their pain onto ourselves. I have even felt guilty because I probably passed on an addiction-vulnerable gene pool!
But Dixie, we really, really, really really cannot hold ourselves responsible. Easy to say, but....
In recovery, my son made amends as part of his step-work, and a huge part of that was taking the responsibility from his dad and I.
When he relapsed, i immediately wanted to grab back that responsibility! I'm learning, too...
Many Mom hugs--Nitelite

dixied

marle and cal,

my son had the best of everything. i was a stay at home mom my dh (son's step-father) is a saint.......just to give an example..........when son's real dad passed away peniless my dh paid for his funeral. he also paid for every penny of a private university education for my son. so my point is we were not some weird family. There was no abuse, no crazy drama all the time. But i am going to say what I think "might" have happened. My son was in an accident (not his fault) and at age 21 he got a large amount of money and he took it and left home and found some friends or so called "friends" and i think he started out recreationally and then i think somewhere in there gambling was introduced and a lot more.

He has in the past changed his story so many times we don't really know the truth.Sometimes we have been told it started in college, other times it was a couple of years ago. Last tale was it started and escalated when he became engaged. Also somewhere in there he says it escalated because he was afraid he couldn't take care of his family. So at some point I'd really like to know the truth....not that I'll ever get it. One thing my counselor said is that my son has not ever told the truth to us but that lying and deceit are such an ingrained part of his life that we may never know the truth. My dh is saying he wants a "list" of everything son has stolen, where he has been, the whole nine yards. And I have really tried to tell him that probably isn't going to happen. And that is the rub too.....when my biological son has done this........meaning this is not my son's child. It really does make a difference and at times my marriage has greatly suffered.......thanks for listening............dixied

washbe2

(((Dixie)))
I pray that your son will soon find a way to do what he needs to do to stay clean and for you to find the peace that you want and need so badly.

My AS has been into drugs for years. I know I've made many, many mistakes along the way, and sometimes want to blame myself. In my head I know it's not what I do or don't do. In my heart I still have to pull back from trying to "fix" everything for him.

I still have trouble grasping that concept about an addict calling someone when they want to use -especially for guys who tend to keep things to themselves and don't share much of anything with others. How I wish my son would call someone!

Prayers for you and your family.
Washbe

Lobo

Dixed, I to have made mistakes along the way of my daughters drug addictiton. Nobody ever taught me how to deal with a child on drugs. I was completely in limbo. I think I did all of the wrong things. She has been in addiction off and on for about 6 yrs. I'm better now at how I handle things. I've learned a lot. My daughter used to cover up pain. She has delt with some of the pain, but still has a long way to go. A lot of her pain comes from circumstances that she has put herself in. The problem is........WHY? Why has she put herself in bad situations?
I wish I had the answers. It would take a lot of therapy and she has to be willing to do that. I made that one of my boundries if she would decide to live with me.
Like Marle said........give up the guilt. I am trying to do that for the mistakes I have made. Whether it was right or wrong it was done out of my love for her.

Hugs.................Lo