rozied

Yesterday I recieved the 1st correspondence from my AS since he has been incarcrated about a month ago. I have a collect block on my phone so there has been no phone calls. He asked me to call this man from the half-way house to come see him to get into a 10 month rehab.
He then goes on to say " He knows Nana would buy him a tv " but she has no way to get him the money. She is 87 & doesn't drive anymore so he wants ME to get the money, buy a money order & send it to him.
I don't mind making the phone call but I don't know what to do about this tv thing. My mom evidently doesn't want to be the one to tell him no. She says she has no intention of buyng him the tv yet she then says " I have the $150 put away just in case " In case of what I felt like saying but didn't. She knows my dad & her would have a hugh fight if she told him. Before he went to jail they helped him alot & to repay them he stole $1,500...............now they both say they r done helping him. So I know my mom must still feel guilty over telling him no so she as usual is putting it on me. I swore if he used again I was done & I have told him that & I have told my mom the same thing. Yet my son is again trying to put me in the middle.
Truthfully I don't want to do it BUT there is a part of me that still feels bad for him & I know how much more bearable his life would be if he had a tv to watch the ball games. Then I think WHY should I help make his life more bearable. Let him be without a tv, he put himself there yet again & if he FINALLY has to suffer the consequences of his own actions I should let him. I KNOW that is the ONLY way he will ever decide to stop using..............if the consequences of using are more painful than using.
I know you all know where I'm coming from.
Your input is deeply appreciated.
Love,
Diane

Ann

Rozied (hug)

Step back....step wayyyyyy back....Hand off the Addict!

Sweetie, he can't put you in the middle unless you let him.

Do you really buy this story? A TV in exchange for a clean house? Shine up your codar girl, this one has "scam" written all over it.

Love you, Rozie, you know I do, and you know I have been in your shoes...that's why it's transparent to me, because I bought these stories for years.

Nope, offer your love and encouragement....and nothing more. That's more than enough for any addict trying to get clean.

Hugs

Ann

P.S, If he wants to get into a rehab, he'll get in without buying anyone anything. Salvation Army rehabs are free and all he has to do is make the call.

More Hugs

kj0975

IMHO I think u should stay out of the tv situation and let your mom deal with it. He is still finding ways to manipulate people and get what he wants while he is in jail. Its not supposed to be comfortable its not supposed to make his life easier what kind of lesson would he be learning if he is still getting everything he wants. While he is in the half way house he can get a job and buy his own TV. That is what adults have to do work and save up for things they want. He can even go buy a cheap used black and white one at the salvation army if its that important for him to have. Its obvious that your mom doesnt want to do it but doesnt know how to directly tell him NO. NO is a complete sentence. I would just write him back let him know u will make the phone calls but as far as the TV is concerned u are staying out of it thats between his grandparents and him.

teke

hey rozied, i agree that jail isn't suppose to be fun, and as for the halfway houses, most of them that i've heard of, already have a tv in a sitting area for the tenants. maybe you could just tell him that your mom don't want to be involved with his tv issue and neither do you. sorry to be so blunt but you and your mother have done more than enough. let him know that the houses already have tv's most of them do anyway.

Ann

Something I noticed after I posted is that he didn't ask you to arrange to send this man a TV, he asked you to send HIM a money order...for money.

Sorry, Rozied, my answer remains unchanged, and my prayers continue for your son and for you and your family. It's just not easy being the mom of an addict.

Hugs

hope213

ann is absolulely right.hands off the addict.he can go to the half way house without it.they have a t.v. there i am sure.he has got to learn he can not have everything he wants...NOW!! prayers for you, him & his poor grandparents.

CatsPajamas

A similar situation came up at my meeting last night. The lesson? Once again: we are each responsible for our own choices and the consequences.... and to recognize when we are being manipulated by someone else to do something s/he could and should do for themselves.

It was a great meeting!

Cats

rahsue

well, I'm abit confused, he's incarcerated right now (ya know theres a tv there)and he wants to get into a halfway house when he gets out? well there's a tv there too.
how long is he going to be incarcerated? I guess my point is if he's going to be away for awhile why does he NEED a tv now. some good advice above "take it"

good luck

rozied

Before anything I need to clarify this. He is in jail & everytime he is in he has gotten his own tv for his cell. It is a 13" black & white portable.......it cost like 120 & 30 for the cabel & thats 150, what he says he needs. It has nothing to do with after he gets out & the 10mt rehab he wrote about.
Last yr when he got out he went to an Oxford House & this is the guy who owns it or runs it I'm not sure which. I really don't know why he asked me to call. He has a counselor. Last time I asked him why the counselor didn't call he said this guy is burned out & does next to nothing.
Ann what did you mean by a tv in exchange for a clean house? Ann he didn't ask me to send this man anything he asked me to call him and to ask him to come visit him in jail. It is an Oxford House.
Thank you KJ Your advice really helped.
Teke, As usual your answer was right on!!! Thanx girlfriend.
Hope, Cats, & Rasue, Thanx!!!
Rahsue I have no idea how long he is gonna be in. I haven't had any contact with him at all until this letter.

kj0975

I agree with Ann NO sending money cause I have a feeling if it was for a TV he might just pawn it then what he would want someone to buy him another one. Sounds fishy to me. My sister is in jail and they have a tv room there where she can watch tv. Its not always what she wants to watch but hey its there. It doesnt cost any money for her to watch either. Maybe if u want send him some books he can read and its ALOT cheaper. Send him books about baseball or send him the sports section out of the local paper and he can catch up with that. At this point his life isnt about being bearable its about learning a lesson and taking responsibility for his actions and I am sure the jail has info on half way houses and he can do the leg work. I know the jail my sister is in they have AA meetings there and church services there and I am sure the people who run it have access to half way houses or knowledge about them and how to get into them. How do people who have no one on the outside and no family to help them get into them when they get out of jail? I am sure there is more to the story he is just pulling on your heart strings.

kj0975

Alright I just read your response does he get to take that tv with him when he leaves? I dont think its a necessary need right now its more like a want and hes in jail for doing something wrong I think it wouldnt hurt him not to have his own tv. Alot of people in jail dont have private tvs nor do they have the option. I would put that money to better use instead of making his stay in jail comfortable for him. I think it would be a waste of valuable hard earned money that your parents had to work very hard to get. once again just my opinion. I am not picking on u as I dont have kids so I dont understand what its truley like. I can see the pain in my moms face everytime she visits my sister its a pain that I never want to see on her face.

Another thing the only reason why he wrote u is to do something for him not to ask what u have been up to not to apologize not to make sure your ok or any info about how long hes there or anything. I also think he can pick up a pen and paper and write the person at the oxford house it would show that he is serious and has a plan and would really like to talk to someone about it. maybe they can mail him the info. That way your out of that whole loop and its time he take responsibilty and seek help on his own. Hes capable of doing alot of things when he really wants too and this will just prove he is serious if he takes the time to do the leg work and will also show the person at the oxford house he his serious about recovery and is willing to do whatever is needed which includes writing for information on how to get in.

parentrecovers

addicts hate "no". but in many cases, it is the only answer.

blessings, k

hopeforever

just let go and let agod
\ iknow its hard !! stay strong!1 nd sometimes tuff love is good.
iknow easy tosay hard to do!.. hugs toyou

Lobo

Rozied, I know it is so hard to say no when we think they have been doing pretty well and are being punished enough for their sins. I guess what I do is always try to focus on what put them where they are in the first place That seems to get me to where I can say no a little easier because I don't want them to fail again and if I do things their way, I could very well be helping them to fail again. I agree no money for TV. I think if it were my parents that he stole from..........I would never allow him another cent from them for anything. You sound like me and you have a soft heart. It seems we want to make things nice for them even under their not so nice circumstances. Maybe, just maybe one little thing to help them to feel better. I have all of those feelings too. That is why it is so hard for mom's like us. All I can say is stay strong and don't give in. If you give an inch........they expect a yard.

Hang tough, keeping you in prayer for guidance...........Lois

rahsue

I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your son

good luck

Here_I_Am

Great advice before me. One thing that helps me in my decisions with my addict is to think of what I want to do and honestly answer what is my motive in doing xyz. If it is because I feel bad for my addict...I stay away from that option because it usually has codiness all over it.

Wascally Wabbit

Here's the word: manipulation
I totally agree with Ann.
I refuse to send my son money. He got himself in this mess and it isn't the first time. If it were the FIRST time, I would be more lenient, but it's not. If I don't put my foot down, I will be forever paying his way and how will he ever learn?
Oh how I hate it too, because I love him so much and any parent on earth doesn't want to see their own child suffer.
Stay strong, stand your ground.

Ann

Rozie, here's what I misunderstood (bold letters are mine)....

I thought "him" was the half-way house man (I am pronoun challenged, I think)

I hope that whatever you decide, it's because it's right for you and not out of guilt or because it's just too hard to say "no".

Hugs

raerae6

From what i know about jail, they usually have a common area with a TV that everyone can watch.

$150 is a lot of $ for a little TV like that. Maybe you can call the jail and see if you can buy the TV without him getting his hands on the money?

He can also listen to games on the radio maybe or walkman...that may be a cheaper alternative.