HKAngel24

Abf has lied to me for the last time.
Yesterday he fed me a long one about going to see his mother and when I found out the truth I just snapped.

I made a list of all the things positive and negative about staying with him- the pros and cons and the cons have outweighed the pros ten fold.

I am still unsure about the cheating part but need to accept that I may never know- the bottom line is that he chooses to lie to me and spend his time with another drug user getting high and not participating in a relationship with me in a healthy way.

I have allowed him to distort MY reality about this for too long. Yesterday when we spoke he had such an emptiness behind his eyes that it just broke my heart. I can no longer put myself through the pain of waiting and hoping this man will change. I have detached as much as I could by still being in the relationship. Now I am just standing by and not moving while he still disrespects and tries to mentally manipulate me and make me think everything is fine.

I am through.
I reread something that an SR member once asked - is HIM as he is NOW enough for me to stay? Am I willing to live the way I am now or am I willing to accept the fear and pain of being alone if it means eventually learning to be happy.

I have so much inner work to do and too much alone time. What's funny is that in breaking up- I would be alone only in labeling terms- I've been alone long before that. I am not exactly sure what or how to say any of this to him.
I must remind myself that I will not die without this man and that I have put up with far too much of his abuse and must believe I deserve more despite feeling that I do not. That is my disease talking.

Really wish there was a road map back to the self. I am hoping this is the first step in learning to love myself even though it feels so uncertain and painful.

I really hope I can tap into some inner strength today to get through this and do what needs to be done. I have already packed up all of his things that I had been actually getting some comfort from having in my apartment. As few items of clothing would guarentee a happy ending.

I KNOW the hardest part will be actually sticking by this whole thing. It will be hard because we will be at the same job but fortunately I can make it so I do not have to interact with or see him. I cannot go back on my word anymore- i disrespect myself and give him the ticket to disrespect me as well and continue to pull the wool over my eyes.

I hoping to hear from others who have gone through this - if they have any words of advice in forcing themselves to do something they know is right and good for them, but that can feel so painful and wrong.

Elana

It sounds like you have reached your bottom and are planning to move 4ward.

This is the best you have sounded since you have started posting here. Keep coming back.. keep posting.

Praying for your strength in maintaining your boundaries.

PS: Maybe you should take a look and try to find a new Avatar where the image is one that projects looking up and forward and happy, not down and sad!

It represents your new strength and your new life in every thing you do and you will find the way to who you are and all you can be!!! It takes practice but you can do it if you decide to!!!

HKAngel24

Great point Elana- I never even thought of that or noticed that!! The subconcious is extremely powerful.

teke

i agree with elana, i think you are doing good, you have a plan now and sounds like one that will eventually work for you. keep the focus and like elana said, keep posting

rahsue

I don't have any advice, my addict is my child so there's no leaving, but I can only imagine how hard it will be to be alone. The good news will be in the very near future when you come in here and type how happy you are and how you made the best move of your life, so go for it and grab all the happiness you can.

good luck

BigSis

If there was one thing I did that helped me most, it was committing to attending Alanon every single week.... and more times, if possible.

They helped me and loved me and were patient with me.

Just like here.

((hugs))

parentrecovers

be patient and kind to yourself today, hk. and get to a meeting! blessings, k

Noah812

Rome was not built in a day and you will not rebuild who you were before xabf in one day either. Take your time and keep coming here reading and posting. Think to yourself and realise its not the end of the world for you nor your love life. Also I am a firm believer that to remove the addict and addict choas from your life you must remove both, no contact. If later on down the road you are strong enough to deal with xabf due to recovery then go for it. I think being around or even talking to As while trying to seperate is the same as a person trying to quit smoking standing around holding a lit cigarette in thier hand. Another thing...you will deal with anger at some point its ok to be angry and this helped me past alot though dont hold on to it and remember you did nothing to cause this and all you could to prevent it...Addicts are like watching a train wreck in slow motion. The above advice is good too.

duet_4-8

I am a little over three months into final seperation from my husband of 25 years. Needless to say it took me a very long time to get here.

For me, being alone is way better than living with an addict, at least when you get to the point of knowing that it's either leave or go under for the last time.

At first I stayed keyed up and anxious and obsessed over him quite a bit. But I can honestly say now that things are much better. I had a friend tell me last night that she had never seen me happy before. That's because I never was happy until I let him go completely.

Wishing you luck! ((((HUGS)))

Mavis

I was with my AH for 7 year's. Had a beautiful Son and bought a home. My AH has been an addict even long before we ever met. I took what he was at the time, and imaged him "perfectly" in my mind. I thought if "I" tried hard enough for him to see what he was doing was wrong, then maybe "I" could change his life. Maybe "I" could make him be happier and show him the way it should be.

7 year's later, after battles with myself, I realized I could no longer make someone do anything, and decided to live the live "I" needed to. With-or-without-him. I packed up my belongings, my Son's belongings, and headed for the door. It wasn't a threat, It was not a plea for him to get help, I finally hit my rock bottom and could no longer stand being abused by this Man's selfish needs, want's and addictions. I left 4 month's ago. 4 month's ago, I let my "want's and needs" for that Man go to the wind and picked up my self respect, dignity and love because I had to.

The way things are for me right now are still simular to when I left him, but I still struggle with "what if" all the time. One thing I have mastered.. is the fact that "It's too darn bad that he missed the boat". I am a great catch that only comes along once in a life time, and it's too bad for him that he chooses to have his addiction mistress. I am thankfull I finally gained my self esteem back. But it only took being away from him to get it back. I deserve better. Much better...

And so do you..

raerae6

I have gone through separating with an addict and it was not so long ago (a few months) and I am still going through it because he is still calling me...but the more I don't answer the phone...the easier it gets.

I guess the things that helped me the most are for one thing, I was just so sick of the whole thing...I got so sick of being on an emotional roller coaster!

The other thing that helped me was when i read 'codependent no more. It really helped me to realsize that I have no control over the situation. I still return to it and read it over and over.

I read a lot about addiction and that helped me to understand everything better.

I read through this message board and another one that is similar on another site. i don't think we are allowed to post links here...but i can tell you what it is if you PM me...

Reading through other people's real life experiences helped me a lot because I saw all these women who had tried and tried with the addicts in their lives and they had been riding the roller coaster for years and years...this helped me to realize that there may be no end if I stayed-that he may never change. That i could find myself 20 years down the road in the same situation.


Getting advise from people on these boards who have been through the same thing.

Journaling helped me.

No contact helps so much...once i was not dealing with him regularily and had some distance, I could see everything sooo much more clearly!!!!

I hope this helps.