alyssiav

My AH has been using since before we got married 3 years ago. I feel like I have been fighting him to get this dealt with forever, even before it got this bad. We have been together since we were teenagers. We have a 15 month old son and everything we ever wanted. I am at the end of my rope. At this point the resentment has evolved into such anger and hatred. I feel like I repeat myself over and over and he promises me that this is the last time everyday is the same bs. He went to rehab about 2 months ago and then checked himself out after 9 days. I was hoping it was enough but he has only gotten worse than ever. I can't keep it together anymore, financially, physically, mentally I am losing it. I need to be here for my Son I need to be happy. A few month ago I was diagnosed with MS and I have to start taking treatments that will make me sick. I am going to need him more than ever. He has left me to deal with all the responsibilities. I work and take care of everything. I'm basically a single mother. I saw an attorney last week and I have been only thinking of how I will be able to raise my Son financially without him. He still has his job. I am having a hard time getting the strength to do this because me and my Son will have to suffer regardless. I have to give up my home and get an apartment and struggle to get by on my salary alone. If I really do this I still have to deal with him because he is the father of my child and he needs to get sober anyways to be in his life. He won't leave the house and I refuse to take my son out of his home. I have to give up the life that I worked so hard to build and it's all because of his addiction. He won't even stay out of our bed so I've resorted to sleeping on the couch in my own house. He's the addict but I'm the one suffering. He has said and done so many things I don't feel I can ever get over and I can't let him use the drugs as his excuse. At the same time I feel like I'm giving up on him and it would be my fault if he gets worse. But if I stay even if he gets help it will be an endless struggle for him to stay sober and I will always worry about relapse. I feel like there is no good option. No matter what we are going to suffer. How do I go on from this because I know it can't stay THIS WAY anymore? Any advise???

ConcernedBigSis

Hi, Welcome to SR. Glad to have you here, sorry that you have any reason to be here though. The addicts in my life are my brother and my husband. Read the stickies at the top of the forum and keep posting.
Please know that it would not be your fault if he got worse.
I'm sure others will be along shortly to welcome you.

Wascally Wabbit

Hi and welcome to SR. SO glad you found us.
I had to leave my childrens alcoholic drug addicted father. LEt me tell you , we had lots of money and a brand new house!
I left it all. The day I walked out, I never ever looked back. The years of abuse, and fear finally all added up one day.

I moved in to a cheap apartment. But, you know what? I had peace. Something I hadn't had in years. Peace. You can make it. Don't worry about a future that hasn't happened yet.
One friend told me something that has stuck with me for years.
"If you want something bad enough, YOU will MAKE it happen."
I had to do it myself if I wanted it bad enough. Eventually, I make it to college.
Life does get better after addiction.

frankly

((alyssiav))

One day at a time. You CAN do this. You can turn your life in a direction that is bearable and yes even happy. You have already taken the first step. Welcome to SR.

When I first came here I had just been diagnosed with MS. Since then my older sister got blown away with her own diagnosis. She is in the advanced stages, I am currently enjoying a remission. I am lucky, my progression of the disease has been slow. I can almost tell you when I'm in an active attack and usually why. Stress. It is your enemy. You can't eleminate stress from your life, but you can learn to manage it. Read, Read and Read some more. Educate yourself on your disease and Educate yourself on dealing with an addicted loved one. You have a child and yourself to worry about, that's enough on anyone's plate.

Try not to get discouraged. I know that is hard to do, but try. Depression will be one of the hardest things to fight. I had to make a conscious choice. I had to decide, I was going to laugh, even if it killed me. Laughter releases natural endorphines that help your disease. I'm convinced that is why I'm in a long standing remission right now. Try not to get discouraged. The science community is teetering on the edge of a breakthrough on MS. There are links with TypeI and II diabeties. They have stumbled on something that may end up being a cure for both diseases. My fingers are crossed for both of us.

Hugs and Prayers.
B

Elana

Welcome and sorry for the situation that brings you here.

You say no matter what you do you are going to suffer. You are suffering now!!!

YOu are in a tough place, but you know where you stand. You may need help, but as you work recovery, you will find you don't need anyONE person to get help. You will learn who to trust and who to ask and when. First and foremost you will be relying on you and finding peace and strength in ways you may have never thought possible.

Meanwhile, see if you can get to some AlAnon or NarAnon meetings. Read the stickes at the top of the board. Keep posting.

We are here for you.

guineapigjude

Hi and welcome. I could have written your letter fifteen years ago. In my case, I stuck it out til HE walked out on us this past April ~ because I wouldn't quietly put up with the drinking/drugs/abuse anymore. In my case I stayed because I thought it was best for the kids, in hind sight I stayed because i was sort of a victim of Stockholm Syndrome ~ the thing where kidnapped people learn to love their captor! It was less scary for me to stick with the situation I knew (however bad) than risk leaving and facing the unknown.
I won't pretend to be in a position to judge your situation ~ just know there's life and options out there for you. There are lots of wise people here who will give you help on your journey.

alyssiav

Thank you all for your sound advice. It really helps to hear form other people what I already know is true. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind - the addict is very manipulting. Last night after I wrote that entry my AH decided to start a fight with me at 12 pm at night because I wanted to sleep in my own bed and I made him leave the room. He started bringing up bs that happen 12 years ago. Calling me names and it even got violent. I tried to call the cops but he tackled the phone out my hands. I cannot believe that I didn't just walk out but my Son was sleeping and it was late. I am so scared to stay with him... he got physical with me but not enough to leave a mark...that probably shouldn't matter huh. He says if I call the cops they won't do anything because there's no bruises or anyting. It still terrifies me and I 'm afraid to leave because I don't know how he'll react, plus I don't want to uproot my son from his home until I have a safe home for us to live for good. I need to be in the house so I can deal with selling it and packing etc.... I hear about these women who get hurt or even killed because they tried to leave. I want him to just leave the house...how to do I get him to stay out!!!! He is so delusional and thinks he can just sorry everything away!!! I want to end this so badly but I am so scared. I need to make sure me and my SOn are protected. I really do appreciate all your support and advice.

kj0975

Sometimes no matter how hard it is u have to walk away from all that to keep your sanity. do u have family u can stay with for now? Alot of wives here have packed up and left their home and everything behind for a new beginning. U can get a new house u can get all those things back except they wont carry the sadness that u are feeling now. I know your scared but u have to protect yourself and your child what good will u be if your not around all because u didnt want to leave your home. Your home is a posession your life is not. Posessions can be replaced. Do what u can to get a restraining order do what u can to stay safe. U can go and pack the house when hes not there u dont need to live there to do that. When my mom left my dad she left everything but us 2 kids. She left her house and all her belongings. She knew those could be replaced. My childhood pics shows our living room with cinder blocks as a tv stand and one rocking chair thats it thats all we had. Now she has a nice home she and my step father built new cars and happiness. That was worth it all to her she knew it wouldnt get better if she stayed but she also knew it had to get better if she left.

kj21

I feel for you! I left my AH when my kids were very small also. It was scary. but as others have said, I finally had peace. I left behind my house, all our toys, his money. I rented a cheap apartment and loved every minute of it once the initial worries lessened. I had to turn to welfare for help for the first 6 months (I still worked also) they helped with child care and part of my rent. My exah is still the same person he was...using, promising the kids he is going to change...he is currently in jail. The best thing I ever did for myself and kids was to get out form his addictions. You can do it!!!! Be strong!! Spend lots of time with your friends and family right now. Life is better than what your living right now. I promise!

Mavis

Your Son will be o.k as long as Mom is o.k. and Mom is NOT o.k right now. Mom has MS. Mom is in an abusive relationship. Mom Is super Mom with NO help. Mom is tired and sick and sore, and Mom can't be a good Mom the way things are.

Your Son will be fine. I had the same fear when I left my AH. And you know.. my Son is fine. Doing BETTER than he was being at home.

You need to make some drastic decisions now that you have been diagnosed with MS. You are being abused by your AH, and your Son see's that. You are mentally not there for your child because of the abuse in your home. And your son see's that. You are physically and emotionally drained and your Son see's that.

Take the time to re-evaluate your situation. My advise would be to take care of YOU and never mind the Husband getting clean. Never mind waiting for your Husband to help and take care of you when you need it the most.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

kj0975

One more thing u mentioned not wanting to move your child out of his home. What kind of home is it if its filled with hate and fighting all the time. Children see and hear everything even if u think he doesnt understand whats going on he does in his own way. Its unhealthy for him to live like that. U can make a new home for him children adjust.