help
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
Also even with my addiction I never got violent I never touched anyone thats just not who I am or ever was. So drugs maybe but.................. Doubt it. Hes mad hes angry that his big secret was found out and he cant do what he loves to do (coke) without u finding out and questioning him. Like I said I never laid a hand on anyone high or not high.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You are responsible for your children and they can be taken away from you and put in foster care, do you realize that?
I know some of us feel like we are being harsh, but everything is at stake here...your life, really...as in tombstone.....and your innocent children who deserve protection and safety...physically and emotionally. And you owe them that.
Please take some time to read the stickies at the tops of the forums! Please!
You also need help beyond what we can provide on the net. The best, kindest help I got was from a DV counselor and that is free. Will you call and make an appmt, if not for you, for your children?
Both of these suggestions are free things you can do and are not particularly difficult or unreasonable. What have you to lose by it?
I propose you will gain insight, strength and opportunity.
The next battle you may die. The next battle your neighbor may call 911 and you will both go to jail and your children will be taken into protective custody.
I know some of us feel like we are being harsh, but everything is at stake here...your life, really...as in tombstone.....and your innocent children who deserve protection and safety...physically and emotionally. And you owe them that.
Please take some time to read the stickies at the tops of the forums! Please!
You also need help beyond what we can provide on the net. The best, kindest help I got was from a DV counselor and that is free. Will you call and make an appmt, if not for you, for your children?
Both of these suggestions are free things you can do and are not particularly difficult or unreasonable. What have you to lose by it?
I propose you will gain insight, strength and opportunity.
The next battle you may die. The next battle your neighbor may call 911 and you will both go to jail and your children will be taken into protective custody.
President
Join Date: May 2006
Location: on our next big adventure!
Posts: 1,253
Is he an addict?
Are you codependant?
I think the latter is the better question!
As for the abuse..... you teach others how to treat you. You've taught him, by allowing him to abuse you, that it's okay for him to abuse you. You taught him that it's okay for him to degrade you. You taught him that it's okay to disrespect you.
What you should be teaching him......
You're a human being that deserves to be treated with the utmost respect. That you should be pampered not hit!
How do you do this......
By not accepting anything less in your life! Expecting people to treat you well!
He owns his behaviors and you own your behavior! Can't change his behavior, but you can change yours!
Are you codependant?
I think the latter is the better question!
As for the abuse..... you teach others how to treat you. You've taught him, by allowing him to abuse you, that it's okay for him to abuse you. You taught him that it's okay for him to degrade you. You taught him that it's okay to disrespect you.
What you should be teaching him......
You're a human being that deserves to be treated with the utmost respect. That you should be pampered not hit!
How do you do this......
By not accepting anything less in your life! Expecting people to treat you well!
He owns his behaviors and you own your behavior! Can't change his behavior, but you can change yours!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
thanks again to everyone
thank you!! i have spoken to 2 DV counselors on the phone and i am going to call tomorrow and make an appt to go see one...
my ah wasnt abusive before the drugs, but i know they are 2 seperate issues and the drugs has brought out what was already there..he has ALOT of issues to deal with.
My lawyer on wednesday will put things on the table for him...if he wants to get help as it will be the only chance to save our marriage, then he will do it. If not, then we will get divorced. its that simple...while he is getting help we have to remain seperated and during that time i can figure things out as well.
It was his father who said to me when i told him about the abuse and prior abuse that his son put his hands around my neck and he said "did he squeeze" because me and my wife have arguements and i put my arms around her..i told him he is as crazy as his son. I told him his son brought into our house with our children home, a bag of coke and he said "maybe he was just trying to show off to you, just because he brought it into the house doesnt mean he was going to use it"
I lost all respect for that man...he obviously has no respect for women. He is in his late 70's but he has all his facilities..he is also in denial, but when he says its ok for his son to put s hands around my neck as long as he didnt squeeze it---than i know that his son most have learned from him.
Why do i have such low self esteem that i have allowed this to continue for so long?? why have i let him treat me this way? why have i allowed illegal drugs in our house and have allowed him to take so much money away from his family?? and he asks me why am i angry?? is he for real?? maybe because my ah was the first serious boyfriend i ever had i have no one to compare him to....i dont know how it is to be treated well..he never abused me before the drugs, but i was also timid and didnt "get in his face" about things until now.
thanks for getting me to see the light...for giving me strength...and for making me see that i deserve so much better..im a good person with so much to give and so much to offer...i shouldnt be treated this way---ever!!!!!
thanks!
my ah wasnt abusive before the drugs, but i know they are 2 seperate issues and the drugs has brought out what was already there..he has ALOT of issues to deal with.
My lawyer on wednesday will put things on the table for him...if he wants to get help as it will be the only chance to save our marriage, then he will do it. If not, then we will get divorced. its that simple...while he is getting help we have to remain seperated and during that time i can figure things out as well.
It was his father who said to me when i told him about the abuse and prior abuse that his son put his hands around my neck and he said "did he squeeze" because me and my wife have arguements and i put my arms around her..i told him he is as crazy as his son. I told him his son brought into our house with our children home, a bag of coke and he said "maybe he was just trying to show off to you, just because he brought it into the house doesnt mean he was going to use it"
I lost all respect for that man...he obviously has no respect for women. He is in his late 70's but he has all his facilities..he is also in denial, but when he says its ok for his son to put s hands around my neck as long as he didnt squeeze it---than i know that his son most have learned from him.
Why do i have such low self esteem that i have allowed this to continue for so long?? why have i let him treat me this way? why have i allowed illegal drugs in our house and have allowed him to take so much money away from his family?? and he asks me why am i angry?? is he for real?? maybe because my ah was the first serious boyfriend i ever had i have no one to compare him to....i dont know how it is to be treated well..he never abused me before the drugs, but i was also timid and didnt "get in his face" about things until now.
thanks for getting me to see the light...for giving me strength...and for making me see that i deserve so much better..im a good person with so much to give and so much to offer...i shouldnt be treated this way---ever!!!!!
thanks!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I think that you have to do for yourself today, nothing has to be forever, should he seek recovery down the road then maybe a knew picture can be painted, but for today...protect yourself in every which way you can....emotionally, physically and financially. I think you might be feeling like you are being disloyal to him as a wife, I know I did when I had to go to a lawyer 4 years ago, but had I not made that step and got somethings in order I would be down the tube with no roof over our heads.
This lawyer put on a Certificate of Pending Litigation on the family home...meaning if any of his creditors tried to sue and lien the house that they would be last in line....I was 1st...so if he get nothing out of the home, neither do his creditors....if he gets anything, he creditors get it. But they can't touch my part. Thank god because he has so many credit cards and gas cards maxed....cash advanced...oooohhh man.
One of the best things that happened as well is no contact....nothing. Any contact I had with him and he would get me all confused....no e-mails, no phone call, no messages. My husband would have me self doubting myself, not until he was no longer around was I able to get my thinking straight. Even after one year, I met with him....I went back to doubting, he has this control over me that can change my thoughts and views. I haven't been able to work this out within myself yet...so I know I still have to stay as far away from him as I can.
Rose
This lawyer put on a Certificate of Pending Litigation on the family home...meaning if any of his creditors tried to sue and lien the house that they would be last in line....I was 1st...so if he get nothing out of the home, neither do his creditors....if he gets anything, he creditors get it. But they can't touch my part. Thank god because he has so many credit cards and gas cards maxed....cash advanced...oooohhh man.
One of the best things that happened as well is no contact....nothing. Any contact I had with him and he would get me all confused....no e-mails, no phone call, no messages. My husband would have me self doubting myself, not until he was no longer around was I able to get my thinking straight. Even after one year, I met with him....I went back to doubting, he has this control over me that can change my thoughts and views. I haven't been able to work this out within myself yet...so I know I still have to stay as far away from him as I can.
Rose
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Originally Posted by drainedwife 
It was his father who said to me when i told him about the abuse and prior abuse that his son put his hands around my neck and he said "did he squeeze" because me and my wife have arguements and i put my arms around her..i told him he is as crazy as his son. I told him his son brought into our house with our children home, a bag of coke and he said "maybe he was just trying to show off to you, just because he brought it into the house doesnt mean he was going to use it"
I lost all respect for that man...he obviously has no respect for women. He is in his late 70's but he has all his facilities..he is also in denial, but when he says its ok for his son to put s hands around my neck as long as he didnt squeeze it---than i know that his son most have learned from him.
I lost all respect for that man...he obviously has no respect for women. He is in his late 70's but he has all his facilities..he is also in denial, but when he says its ok for his son to put s hands around my neck as long as he didnt squeeze it---than i know that his son most have learned from him.
Just wondering, you lost all respect for his father because he thought it was ok... have you lost respect for your AH as well? He obviously has the same beliefs as his father...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: state of desperation
Posts: 43
I am new to this forum and am also looking for support with my AH. I havn't left yet but it is coming. I understand how you feel about him not being a bad person or going on binges for days at a time because mine isn't like that either. He still goes to work, he's functioning user I guess. However, his addiction is still affecting us in the same ways as any other CO addict. I thinks it's harder for me becasue I know what a great person he can be and what a gentle soul he has. He would never lay a hand on me and now I am scared of how he'll react to the litttlest things. This drugs changes people in ways I never thought possible. I just need to get the guts to move on with my life for my son and myself. I hope this for you too! Good luck.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by drainedwife
he says its ok for his son to put s hands around my neck as long as he didnt squeeze it---than i know that his son most have learned from him.
Why do i have such low self esteem that i have allowed this to continue for so long?? why have i let him treat me this way?
He is an addict; you know it. No one here needs to tell you that for you to know it. He is abusive, and it doesn't matter one little bit whether he was or wasn't abusive before the drugs.
From far too many years of personal experience with addiction and abuse, I want to caution you about something. If you go into the divorce action thinking it is yet another thing that will 'change' him into what you want him to be, I fear you are setting yourself up for a very hard fall. As some others have said above me, you can't put those kind of conditions on him. Either do it or don't, but do it or don't do it because it is what YOU want.
Stop trying to make him change into what you need. Stop using all your time and energy worrying about how this or that will affect him. Just stop thinking about him at all. Start thinking about yourself and your kids. He's a grown man and he needs to make his own choices and (most importantly) take responsibility for them. Get out of God's way and let him go.
I don't mean to be harsh. I don't want to see you go through years and years more of this like I did. Your kids are 10 & 12 I believe? My oldest is 24, my middle is 19, and my youngest is 10. I am 50. I spent 25 years being abused. I spent countless hours obsessing over a man that treated me like dirt. I spent years bartering and manipulating and doing all manner of sick things trying to make my ex be a man that he just isn't. I lost myself for a very long time.
No man is worth that-losing yourself while trying to 'help' him. You can't help him.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by rose
One of the best things that happened as well is no contact....nothing. Any contact I had with him and he would get me all confused....no e-mails, no phone call, no messages. My husband would have me self doubting myself, not until he was no longer around was I able to get my thinking straight.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Hi, I can't tell you how happy I am to hear this-that you are going to see the DV counselor and I am happy that you are going to have this time with no contact with the husband so you can have the space to think about yourself and kids....!!
His dad is clueless....
Remeber when i was talking about strangulation and the change in laws here....I was looking at some documents on line for my state about this and here are some excerpts from what I found....sorry it's kind of long, but I just think it is very eye-opening and interesting. (you could print this and show it to the AH's dad.)
[QUOTE]
"“Strangulation is often one of the last abusive acts committed by a violent domestic partner before murder.”
2004 Report, Hennepin County Domestic Fatality Review Team
The prosecutor stated, “If you look at the domestics that end in murder, almost all of them were precipitated by strangulation.” Since the majority of strangulations were previously charged as misdemeanors many people were unaware of how common strangulation is in domestic violence and how dangerous it is for victims.
Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women (MCBW) with the assistance of WATCH and its member programs, pushed for the creation of a specific felony statute for domestic strangulation during the 2005 legislative session. With the passage of this law, Minnesota became one of six states (including North Carolina, Missouri, Oklahoma, Nebraska and Idaho) that have felony strangulation laws.
A judge stated, “There is an acknowledgement that one person could kill another. People generally don’t think of domestic violence as something that can result in death. This legislation calls attention to how seriously one can hurt another.” A county attorney said, “Misdemeanor charges do not sufficiently address the seriousness of the crime.” A law enforcement officer echoed with, “When someone rises to the level of strangulation, a big part of me thinks it should be an attempted murder. I look at every domestic as the next possible homicide.”
Several of the probation officers and city attorneys interviewed said strangulation is a “red flag” for them and that they pay closer attention to these cases. [QUOTE]
My DV teacher, who was a former police officer and investigator in DV cases told us that it is very easy to strangle someone...it only takes something like 10lbs. of pressure for a short amount of time. Sorry i can't remember exactly-that class was 2 yrs. ago.
ANYWAY, I understand Drained how you feel when you wonder why you put up with these things, i have struggled with wondering these things too, and I felt mad at myself and foolish for a while, but I'm getting over that now...it is just part of the process of recovery I guess!
I want to tell you again how happy i am that you are going to DV counseling and you seem to be making decisions that are going to result in a happy healthier life for you and your kids!!!
His dad is clueless....
Remeber when i was talking about strangulation and the change in laws here....I was looking at some documents on line for my state about this and here are some excerpts from what I found....sorry it's kind of long, but I just think it is very eye-opening and interesting. (you could print this and show it to the AH's dad.)
[QUOTE]
"“Strangulation is often one of the last abusive acts committed by a violent domestic partner before murder.”
2004 Report, Hennepin County Domestic Fatality Review Team
The prosecutor stated, “If you look at the domestics that end in murder, almost all of them were precipitated by strangulation.” Since the majority of strangulations were previously charged as misdemeanors many people were unaware of how common strangulation is in domestic violence and how dangerous it is for victims.
Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women (MCBW) with the assistance of WATCH and its member programs, pushed for the creation of a specific felony statute for domestic strangulation during the 2005 legislative session. With the passage of this law, Minnesota became one of six states (including North Carolina, Missouri, Oklahoma, Nebraska and Idaho) that have felony strangulation laws.
A judge stated, “There is an acknowledgement that one person could kill another. People generally don’t think of domestic violence as something that can result in death. This legislation calls attention to how seriously one can hurt another.” A county attorney said, “Misdemeanor charges do not sufficiently address the seriousness of the crime.” A law enforcement officer echoed with, “When someone rises to the level of strangulation, a big part of me thinks it should be an attempted murder. I look at every domestic as the next possible homicide.”
Several of the probation officers and city attorneys interviewed said strangulation is a “red flag” for them and that they pay closer attention to these cases. [QUOTE]
My DV teacher, who was a former police officer and investigator in DV cases told us that it is very easy to strangle someone...it only takes something like 10lbs. of pressure for a short amount of time. Sorry i can't remember exactly-that class was 2 yrs. ago.
ANYWAY, I understand Drained how you feel when you wonder why you put up with these things, i have struggled with wondering these things too, and I felt mad at myself and foolish for a while, but I'm getting over that now...it is just part of the process of recovery I guess!
I want to tell you again how happy i am that you are going to DV counseling and you seem to be making decisions that are going to result in a happy healthier life for you and your kids!!!
Last edited by raerae6; 06-11-2007 at 10:12 PM.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by drainedwife
--than i know that his son most have learned from him.
maybe because my ah was the first serious boyfriend i ever had i have no one to compare him to....i dont know how it is to be treated well..
...i shouldnt be treated this way---ever!!!!!
It sounds like you are having all kinds of new insights into the situation!
I am excited for you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I hope you call DV today, because in my county they would send an advocate to go to court with you just to bolster you up, be with you and help you emotionally.
I chose to go to my domestic battery court by myself but I made an appmt right before I went and she told me....just do not look at him, look anywhere else but do not look at him. Don't let him catch your eyes.
I followed her directions and it really helped...I know for sure because it wasn't the first time I was there for that, sadly to say!
And, yes, he did keep trying to get my attention.
My daughter was older, I took her with me. Maybe you have a friend or someone who can go with you for moral support?
live
I chose to go to my domestic battery court by myself but I made an appmt right before I went and she told me....just do not look at him, look anywhere else but do not look at him. Don't let him catch your eyes.
I followed her directions and it really helped...I know for sure because it wasn't the first time I was there for that, sadly to say!
And, yes, he did keep trying to get my attention.
My daughter was older, I took her with me. Maybe you have a friend or someone who can go with you for moral support?
live
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Maybe his father just didn't want to accept the fact that his son would do those things. Whatever the reason for his reaction I.m glad you have taken steps to protect yourself an your child. Know kid needs to live with that kind of stuff going on around them. Will keep you in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Finding Myself
Posts: 91
It sounds like you are making some strides in the right direction. It's hard, I know it is. Calling the attorney for that first appointment was one of the hardest things I had ever done. It was kind of like admitting I had failed. I couldn't save my husband and I couldn't save my marriage. But I am a perfect example of how it doesn't have to follow the road of divorce. I started the proceedings, temporarily transferred assets into my name and began other self protection actions. Not soon after my AH started his way to recovery. A few months later I called my attorney, told her to bill me for the time she had worked so far and just make a file with my name on it and wait and see. 2 years later I've never called her back. I made the steps to take care of myself and that was the most important thing I could have done. I don't know what caused my AH to really start recovery, there was no one thing or moment, it just happened. And I also know that each and every day that I live with him there is always the possibility that relapse can occur. I'm prepared this time. You can't know what will happen in the future. Maybe your husband will find his way to recovery soon, but if he doesn't at least you can find your way to independence and safety. Starting divorce proceedings and getting RO's doesn't have to be the end all to end all, but for now it is the smart and safe thing to do for you and your children. You can do this, I know you can. You are worth it. It took me a long time to realize that I was worth it, but now that I know that I am, no one can ever make me doubt it again.
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Excellent job. You sound much stronger today and that is great!
Often abusive behavior can be learned. It's important to remember that you also have children that could learn this behavior if it continues around them. It is too bad that AH's dad doesn't see the light, but many parents who are new to realizing their child is an addict have problems accepting it.
However, the more you "do" for yourself the more you will learn that when people say things like what your FIL said, it's just words, it means nothing, YOU know in your heart what is right and it becomes easier to forgive someone's ignorance.
Hugs!
Often abusive behavior can be learned. It's important to remember that you also have children that could learn this behavior if it continues around them. It is too bad that AH's dad doesn't see the light, but many parents who are new to realizing their child is an addict have problems accepting it.
However, the more you "do" for yourself the more you will learn that when people say things like what your FIL said, it's just words, it means nothing, YOU know in your heart what is right and it becomes easier to forgive someone's ignorance.
Hugs!
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Sometimes I know I seem blunt. I also know that when I saw "the light" there were a few folks being blunt with me.
One person told me I could stay where I was.. weeping and wailing and having my own pityt party, or I could get up and take care of myself.
Another person said to me, "What is your problem? He isn't your husband. He was your BF and now he is your EX! He never even committed to you!!!"
I was hurt and offended but I thought about it.. and they were (are) right. I got my stuff together and I got mad and then I got it straight.
Why did I allow what I did for so long? Because my sense of self worth was low. Why? Certainly not because I was not successful in any jobs I did. It was because I was taught from day 1 to always please my Dad and to make him happy I had to do what he wanted. I was taught to be that way with men.
Well, today I know what I want and any guy comes along, he is going to have to come with me cuz I am not compromising what I want unless he shows me something a LOT better.
So, I am blunt. Some are offended. Some are not. If it helps one single person to heal see them selves as the wonderful, strong, intelligent and capable human being they are, then I have done a good service.
One person told me I could stay where I was.. weeping and wailing and having my own pityt party, or I could get up and take care of myself.
Another person said to me, "What is your problem? He isn't your husband. He was your BF and now he is your EX! He never even committed to you!!!"
I was hurt and offended but I thought about it.. and they were (are) right. I got my stuff together and I got mad and then I got it straight.
Why did I allow what I did for so long? Because my sense of self worth was low. Why? Certainly not because I was not successful in any jobs I did. It was because I was taught from day 1 to always please my Dad and to make him happy I had to do what he wanted. I was taught to be that way with men.
Well, today I know what I want and any guy comes along, he is going to have to come with me cuz I am not compromising what I want unless he shows me something a LOT better.
So, I am blunt. Some are offended. Some are not. If it helps one single person to heal see them selves as the wonderful, strong, intelligent and capable human being they are, then I have done a good service.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
Sometimes though u dont have to be harsh to get your point across.
Drained I really feel for u with all your struggling with u must feel like the rug was pulled out from underneath u and your world is spinning out of control. Its been turned upside down and have left u feeling lost and confused.
Just wanted to let u know I was thinking of u today and please update us on the DV meeting and whats going on. Please dont feel like we are condeming u for asking us ?'s or wanting answers. Its so hard at first especially when u have been broken down so much u feel weak and worthless and just lost and dont know which way is up. Alot of us have been where u are and some changes didnt happen overnight some of these things take time maybe we are trying to spare u some of the things we went through to learn the lesson that was there to learn.
You are an amazing woman who will do just fine alone and u will realize u are MUCH stronger than u think u are. Self discovery is amazing and u will soon discover that your a different person than u think u are your strong intelligent and a good mother. We are all just concerned about u and your kids and your safety. The kids dont have a choice on what they see or what they are around thats why we stress so much to let him go and really take control back of your life and give your children the life they deserve which is free from an unhappy household and unhappy mom and dad and the happiness that they deserve and I know u already know that. When u find your loosing focus of u and the kids and going back to focusing on him and what hes doing realize it and change it back to you and your kids. Time it will take alot of time to learn how to do this but once u do u and your kids will be alot happier.....
Drained I really feel for u with all your struggling with u must feel like the rug was pulled out from underneath u and your world is spinning out of control. Its been turned upside down and have left u feeling lost and confused.
Just wanted to let u know I was thinking of u today and please update us on the DV meeting and whats going on. Please dont feel like we are condeming u for asking us ?'s or wanting answers. Its so hard at first especially when u have been broken down so much u feel weak and worthless and just lost and dont know which way is up. Alot of us have been where u are and some changes didnt happen overnight some of these things take time maybe we are trying to spare u some of the things we went through to learn the lesson that was there to learn.
You are an amazing woman who will do just fine alone and u will realize u are MUCH stronger than u think u are. Self discovery is amazing and u will soon discover that your a different person than u think u are your strong intelligent and a good mother. We are all just concerned about u and your kids and your safety. The kids dont have a choice on what they see or what they are around thats why we stress so much to let him go and really take control back of your life and give your children the life they deserve which is free from an unhappy household and unhappy mom and dad and the happiness that they deserve and I know u already know that. When u find your loosing focus of u and the kids and going back to focusing on him and what hes doing realize it and change it back to you and your kids. Time it will take alot of time to learn how to do this but once u do u and your kids will be alot happier.....
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