update on relapse.....your gut feeling please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
update on relapse.....your gut feeling please
after seven and a half months my son relapsed. we offered him rehab. he said that he knew what to do and going back would serve no purpose. so this is what has happened so far. he walked four miles to his AA meeting. he told them what happened.....in full detail. some men took him out for a meal and offered him a place to stay and a bike to ride to work. he new job at $8.00 an hour starts today. he is 32, a college graduate, riding a bike to work.......I don't know what his new employer might think.......he might have reservations.......anyway, this is his plan. do you think this could possibly work? I thought about in a few days taking some groceries over but my husband said no........he said it's his plan, let him deal with the hardship. and by the wasy my husband says he thinks it won't work at all. he said he doesn't need supoort, he needs a psychiatrist. so can you offer any thoughts? thanks in advance..dixie
been around the block...
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Happy Universe
Posts: 32
(((Dixied)))
My son is a recovering addict as well so I know your pain. At this point in my recovery...if I was in the same situation...I'd let my son handle his plan. It seems as if he's telling you he has a plan and he knows what to do. Sometimes our plans for our kids get in the way of what our HP has in mind for them. Why don't you offer to take him out for lunch or a dinner if feel the need to "do" something. I completely understand that feeling btw!!!
When I stepped away from meddling in all of the details of what my son was doing...he was taking a bus and a train for over and hour each way to an $8 an hour job. There were days it rained, snowed etc...I thought of him and said a prayer. It wasn't easy. We did meet him for dinner about every week or two or had him come home for a home cooked meal. He seemed to like that the best.
Hang in there Dixie...IMHO, the people who know what is best for your son is his HP and him.
When I stepped away from meddling in all of the details of what my son was doing...he was taking a bus and a train for over and hour each way to an $8 an hour job. There were days it rained, snowed etc...I thought of him and said a prayer. It wasn't easy. We did meet him for dinner about every week or two or had him come home for a home cooked meal. He seemed to like that the best.
Hang in there Dixie...IMHO, the people who know what is best for your son is his HP and him.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i'm sorry, dixied. my daughter also relapsed last week again, and so i understand your fear. when they are ready, they will find recovery. meanwhile, we have to take care of ourselves and pray. i wish there was another way. but there isn't.
blessings, and my prayers are going out to our kids this morning, k
blessings, and my prayers are going out to our kids this morning, k
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Dixied,
I think he knew immediately how to get himself back on track, and that is wonderful news!
This shows an example of how wonderful the AA community is, to help him pick himself up, and give him needed encouragement.
Yes, Hands off the addict, let him figure it out.
In fact, think of it this way, what would happen to him if you were to die? He'd be left to his own resources.
Hugs,
I think he knew immediately how to get himself back on track, and that is wonderful news!
This shows an example of how wonderful the AA community is, to help him pick himself up, and give him needed encouragement.
Yes, Hands off the addict, let him figure it out.
In fact, think of it this way, what would happen to him if you were to die? He'd be left to his own resources.
Hugs,
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
As the Mother of a crack addict I feel your pain and the need to do something, anything to make it all better......however as we all know all our plans and help do nothing but keep them Dependant on someone to pick them up and this is something they must do for themselves...It is hard and goes against everything we thought we knew as parents..... as he said he knows what he needs to do and he should be allowed to either do it or not.....it is much better to allow AA people to guide him, they have walked in his shoes and better understand his needs at this time.....It is so very hard to step back and permit them to find their own path....but he is an adult and deserves the right to make his own choices...... Take care of yourself and know that we are all with you as you make your hard decisions....
Peace
Peace
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hey
sometimes i don't take my own best advice so i won't try to give you any, what i will say is that i know what helped me when i was active. i had to reduce to a lower paying job when i first got clean, but the struggle that i had trying to get back up was one to remember, so when that urge came to go get high, i remembered what it would be like to have to keep starting the struggle over. riding a bike with a degree to a lower paying job, is definately not the worse thing that could happen to a newly recovering addict who is trying to pull himself up. i think its a good thing that he is willing to do what ever he has to do for himself, what he has selfishly depended on others to do for him, it kind of add to the joy in saying that he had to do what he had to do to stay sober and get better.
the others i think are right on, his hp is helping him to do for himself. his hp knows what it will take to bring him to that better place, so if you can, just pray for him and keep doing what you need to do to make you feel better. still praying for ya and him too
sometimes i don't take my own best advice so i won't try to give you any, what i will say is that i know what helped me when i was active. i had to reduce to a lower paying job when i first got clean, but the struggle that i had trying to get back up was one to remember, so when that urge came to go get high, i remembered what it would be like to have to keep starting the struggle over. riding a bike with a degree to a lower paying job, is definately not the worse thing that could happen to a newly recovering addict who is trying to pull himself up. i think its a good thing that he is willing to do what ever he has to do for himself, what he has selfishly depended on others to do for him, it kind of add to the joy in saying that he had to do what he had to do to stay sober and get better.
the others i think are right on, his hp is helping him to do for himself. his hp knows what it will take to bring him to that better place, so if you can, just pray for him and keep doing what you need to do to make you feel better. still praying for ya and him too
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 16
Dixied,
I would be proud of him. He is doing all he can with what he has to build his life. If you interfer at this point you are saying it's not good enough and taking away the dignity he is trying to rebuild. Try to be happy he is going in the right direction.
I would be proud of him. He is doing all he can with what he has to build his life. If you interfer at this point you are saying it's not good enough and taking away the dignity he is trying to rebuild. Try to be happy he is going in the right direction.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Gosh, I think what he did sounds good, too. He walked 4 miles to a meeting, talked to all the right people.
They will have a roadmap for him... he isn't he first to walk this path.
Do you attend Alanon? They have some great roadmaps, too.
((((DixieD))))
They will have a roadmap for him... he isn't he first to walk this path.
Do you attend Alanon? They have some great roadmaps, too.
((((DixieD))))
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Dixie,
I think it shows promise that your son would walk 4 miles to an AA meeting. The program is providing for him right now. Also, due to high gas prices, many many people are biking these days to and from wherever they need to go.
Your son is a grown-up and had a good amount of recovery. He can, if he chooses, find his way back and honestly it sounds like he's on a good start to it.
There is no set formula for recovery. I think the important thing is to keep trying. Regardless if your husband thinks this will work, it's up to your son either way to MAKE it work for himself. He sounds like he is doing ok, so try to sit on your hands for now and let him discover this on his own.
Hugs and more hugs!
I think it shows promise that your son would walk 4 miles to an AA meeting. The program is providing for him right now. Also, due to high gas prices, many many people are biking these days to and from wherever they need to go.
Your son is a grown-up and had a good amount of recovery. He can, if he chooses, find his way back and honestly it sounds like he's on a good start to it.
There is no set formula for recovery. I think the important thing is to keep trying. Regardless if your husband thinks this will work, it's up to your son either way to MAKE it work for himself. He sounds like he is doing ok, so try to sit on your hands for now and let him discover this on his own.
Hugs and more hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
thank you to everyone who has replied and yes, I do attend Al-Anon and consider it a lifeline..especially now. One thing that came up was someone in Al-Anon said if he were REALLy working the steps wouldn't he have called his sponsor when he was first struggling and tempted. Now that made doubt come creeping in that he is doing lipservice and NOT really doing the steps.........see, I am so, so confused now.....thanks in advance for any replies.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sorry he relapsed but it sounds like he is going to get back on track.leave hiim alone.let him pull himself back up.so he rides a bike, at least he is going.he walked to the meeting,at least he went.your husband sounds as if he has lost all faith in him.you have no control over that.hands off the addict.i have lost faith in my a.s. but i will never lose hope.prayers for you both & prayers for your son.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: QUEENS, NY
Posts: 200
Hi Dixied
I just wanted to comment on the post about really working the steps and relapse, I think it is unfair to imply that someone wasn't really working the steps if they relapsed. He absolutely should have called his sponsor first but I guess in that moment he wanted to drink more. It takes time to intergrate the steps into your life, old habits take time to break, if I have been doing the same thing over and over to numb pain it is not my immediate thought to do something different.
I have thought of relapse often when I was in the first year of recovery, sometimes I called my sponsor, sometimes I didn't, I couldn't talk about it. At other times I didn't tell anyone what I was thinking and planned the day I might drink. Thank god I didn't drink but the obssession can be consuming.
Its all part of recovery and his relapse hopefully taught him something, its positive that he went straight back to AA, and he was embraced there.
One of my AA friends was in and out for literally years, she is celebrating her 1 year b'day next week. He could be paying lip-service but the seed is planted and he will get it eventually.
AA ruins your drinking, after I went to a few meetings I was in a bar one night and what I had heard in the meetings kept running through my head, the game was up.
I agree with letting him find his way.
Love, Rose
I just wanted to comment on the post about really working the steps and relapse, I think it is unfair to imply that someone wasn't really working the steps if they relapsed. He absolutely should have called his sponsor first but I guess in that moment he wanted to drink more. It takes time to intergrate the steps into your life, old habits take time to break, if I have been doing the same thing over and over to numb pain it is not my immediate thought to do something different.
I have thought of relapse often when I was in the first year of recovery, sometimes I called my sponsor, sometimes I didn't, I couldn't talk about it. At other times I didn't tell anyone what I was thinking and planned the day I might drink. Thank god I didn't drink but the obssession can be consuming.
Its all part of recovery and his relapse hopefully taught him something, its positive that he went straight back to AA, and he was embraced there.
One of my AA friends was in and out for literally years, she is celebrating her 1 year b'day next week. He could be paying lip-service but the seed is planted and he will get it eventually.
AA ruins your drinking, after I went to a few meetings I was in a bar one night and what I had heard in the meetings kept running through my head, the game was up.
I agree with letting him find his way.
Love, Rose
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
I appreciate the replies and I am going to try very hard to mind my own business. let him do the work and I hope he is serious as it is his life on the line. Iam just so very sad....it comes over me in waves......dixie
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Originally Posted by dixied 
thank you to everyone who has replied and yes, I do attend Al-Anon and consider it a lifeline..especially now. One thing that came up was someone in Al-Anon said if he were REALLy working the steps wouldn't he have called his sponsor when he was first struggling and tempted. Now that made doubt come creeping in that he is doing lipservice and NOT really doing the steps.........see, I am so, so confused now.....thanks in advance for any replies.
And... don't forget that not everyone in Alanon is recovered, either.
(((hugs)))
been around the block...
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Happy Universe
Posts: 32
just a question...
Is talking about this "One thing that came up was someone in Al-Anon said if he were REALLy working the steps wouldn't he have called his sponsor when he was first struggling and tempted." taking his inventory? Am I taking inventory in asking that...I'm confused.
What I do know is that when I started picking apart what my son did and didn't do and why he made the choices he made...I was relapsing in my recovery. The hard part for me to wrap my brain around for a long time was that relapse is part of recovery...both for me and my son. I hope this helps and makes sense.
What I do know is that when I started picking apart what my son did and didn't do and why he made the choices he made...I was relapsing in my recovery. The hard part for me to wrap my brain around for a long time was that relapse is part of recovery...both for me and my son. I hope this helps and makes sense.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dixie, I think I would be very proud of him.
It's not how much you make an hour that determines your worth, it's the grace and dignity that you carry wherever you go. He fell down, but he got back up, walked 4 miles to a meeting and began again, surrounded by the support of his AA group.
Hands off the addict, indeed, he's doing a wonderful job all by himself here.
Hugs
It's not how much you make an hour that determines your worth, it's the grace and dignity that you carry wherever you go. He fell down, but he got back up, walked 4 miles to a meeting and began again, surrounded by the support of his AA group.
Hands off the addict, indeed, he's doing a wonderful job all by himself here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
dixied,
Imho, the first thing you should appreciate is how hard it is to go to an AA meeting and tell a room full of people you relapsed. I had to do it, after approx 3 months of being dry. Many people don't have that kind of courage. I have never had so much support from people in my life until that moment. I didn't consider myself courageous to tell, I just needed to get it off my chest. In my aa group, everyone had a turn, and I'll tell you, sitting there just waiting in agony to tell someone who will understand is so difficult!!! That's when the other members told me what courage that took. I just had my 2 year anniversary in May of no alcohol.
He sounds like a very determined person to me, I agree with Ann, I think I would be proud of him. He's trying, and hp willing, he will succeed.
Imho, the first thing you should appreciate is how hard it is to go to an AA meeting and tell a room full of people you relapsed. I had to do it, after approx 3 months of being dry. Many people don't have that kind of courage. I have never had so much support from people in my life until that moment. I didn't consider myself courageous to tell, I just needed to get it off my chest. In my aa group, everyone had a turn, and I'll tell you, sitting there just waiting in agony to tell someone who will understand is so difficult!!! That's when the other members told me what courage that took. I just had my 2 year anniversary in May of no alcohol.
He sounds like a very determined person to me, I agree with Ann, I think I would be proud of him. He's trying, and hp willing, he will succeed.
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