kodris

The love of my life has been a bitch with psycologicals problems since she was 14, her family are respectable people and so is she really, but she use's anything as escapism. She is smoking heroine and has been since last year and I dont know how to help her please I dont even now what I should be asking any advice would appreciated in regards to severity of prob how to help level of addiction changing her opion of herself anything ' PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

Regards Ciaran

teke

hi kodris, welcome to sr, sorry that you had to come here under these circumstances but glad you found us. there are a lot of caring people here who want to walk with you through all of this. the addict in my life is my hubby of 21 yrs, sorry to be the one to have to tell you this but there is nothing you can do for your addict outside of doing what you need to do to help yourself. addiction effect all who loves the addict and we the love ones usually needs help and recovery too.

here we recommend alanon and naranon meetings, maybe you can search your area for face to face meetings for yourself, they help a lot. read all you can here, pay attention to the little stickies at the top of the forum page and keep posting. there is also a good book, called codependant no more by melodie beady, i think thats the spelling, if not someone will be along shortly to give you better and more wise advice.

sorry that you are going through this and i'll keep you and yours in my prayers, stick around, help is on the way

BigSis

(((Ciaran)))) Teke has good advice.

You might take a read around this forum - the sticky notes at the top of the forum, most especially.

It is hard to hear there is little we can do, but the more you read, the more you can find out how to reduce YOUR pain... and that is what brought you here, isn't it?


((hugs))

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, keep posting! my daughter is an addict/alcoholic - alanon and private counseling really helps me.

blessings, k

kodris

Look thank you guys but how do you know the differrence between a big prob and someone who has not yet become a full blown addict because without getting too long winded, she looks perfect and seems in good health but my experiance of heroine is that it destroys people and I've seen it in my younger days in dublin people who apitomise the horrible term junkie?

teke

addiction is a progressive and the longer the use, the more the distruction. most addicts don't look like addicts in the beginning stages. if i had to make a suggestion, it would be to protect your finances and any valuable. my ah had been addicted since he was 12, he say, and i married him not knowing. looks are decieving, addict come in all shades and all backgrounds. it does get worse, so try to be prepared. have you read "what addicts do", located at the top of the forum page?

kodris

Yes I did read that and some of it rings true, but she is more messed up from childhood psycological trauma and I think the reason its come to light now is we all suspected and she left her diary out almost in front of me, so against my better judgment I did the obvious and found her admitting it to herself and begging herself to stop as she did not want to be a junkie, do they lie to themselves aswell?

teke

i believe that as the addiction progresses, yes, they sometimes start to believe their own lies. drugs alters the mind and their thinking becomes altered as well. its very hard though for an addict to admit that they are powerless over drugs to themselves much more to admit it to another. addiction can't hide itself forever though, it almost always began to show at some point in their actions

kodris

Teke I cant walk away from Alicia, she is wonderfull when not being an adolecesant in a womans body, what do I do? confront her about her mind set? or let her come to me? or what, I dont maen to sound arrogant but this crap wont take her from me with out a damn good fight!!!

teke

sorry kodris, i do understand how you feel, most of our addicts here are wonderful people who have been possesed by addiction. it is so hard to walk away when we know that they are so sick, so walking away would be your choice, and still after 21 yrs of my ah being active in his addiction, it is hard to walk away, but believe me it just came that time that i could not take anymore. no one is saying that you have to walk away, that is something that you'll have to decide. taking care of you first does not always mean that you have to walk away and seperating yourself from the drama don't always mean that you walk away forever if you decide to walk away. there is always hope, i'm a recovering addict myself with a few yrs clean, its up to you how long you are willing to wait and its up to her and her alone, how long it will take for her to make a decision to help herself.

why not for now, consentrate on what you can do to make yourself stronger and in a better place, then maybe you can see her and her addiction a little clearer. you don't have to make any decisions about her and her addiction today, try to focus on you for now. i'll keep praying that she finds her way really soon.,

kodris

Teke I understand fully what you mean my mother works with angels if you know what that means and she has told me something bears out what you say almost to a tee and I can understand its just so hard, she's telling me I've betrayed her by calling her mother and reading her diary yet its so obvious thats what she wanted me to do and now she wont speak to me, I am being selfish but I want my girl back, christ is that wrong of me I love her and she's hurting herself and all I wanna do is help!!!!!

teke

i don't really understand what you mean by your mother working with angels but if you feel that youre not so happy with reading her diary or calling her mother, then thats done, and something that you can't undo. forgive yourself and move on, sooner or later if i understand addicts, she'll want to talk to you, just give her the space she needs right now. as long as she is using, she is not the girl that you fell in love with usually, addiction takes over the mind, body and eventually the soul, and there is nothing you can do to fix that. you can learn to take care of you and to get you in a healthier place and hopefully the change in you may bring about a change in her

most of us here would love to have our love ones back the way they were before addiction, but its just not that easy. addiction is a hard habit to break and so is codependancy in my opinion, it feels like for me that i've become addicted to my addict as he becomes more addicted to his drug of choice. sorry thats just the way it seems to work. she is not the same person you fell in love with, its like she's locked away inside the body that you also feel in love with, addiction is ruling it now and she is powerless over it until she decides to fight back and thats also something that you can not do for her, she has to fight her own addiction. sure would be a lot easier if we could do it for them. it think that if that was any way possible, there wouldn't be so many people here seeking help. i think a lot of us, like you, came here to find out how we can help our addicted love ones, i know i did. only to find out that all i could do was to help myself.

even though i knew when i first came here looking for help for my ah, that i was clean because i realized that i needed to help myself and that nobody else could, i still came trying to fix what was not mine to fix in the first place. there is always hope so maybe you could take some time to figure out what you want out of your life and decide for youself how long you are willing to wait, in the meantime, while you are waiting, maybe you could focus more on what you need to make your life look like you want it to look, with or with her for now.

kodris

Your words are soothing and I want to say thank you but part of me is so angry because its like she has been taken from me, I hate this drug and its not going to ruin me, for now the best I can do is look after my self and my career so when she does come back, or should I say if she comes out of this, then I will be in good shape to help her get her life on track, thank you again Teke its so good of you to take the time to talk with a man who is bitter at the mo and lashing out abit,

KIndist Regards Ciaran O'Driscoll

teke

thank you too kofris, you have also helped me whether you know it or not, youve given me the chance to take the focus off my ah for a minute, thats what this is all about i think one love one helping another. see you sound better already, a fast learner you are, i hate addiction too. looks like tbe only thing that we can do is make sure we don't go down with them in their addiction. i figure if i can't do anything to make it better for the both of us, no sense in us struggling to stay on the same sinking ship. better if one of us can get to safety then maybe one day, they'll be ready to reach out for help. keep the focus on you while you wait. you're doing just fine.

kodris

Teke does the type of drug effect the type of addiction or addict? it may sound silly but I feel shut out and the need to know all I can and understand as much as i can is overwhelming, life is painfull at the moment and its driving me nuts not understanding my Alicia! thanks Ciaran

teke

well kodris, i think that any mind altering substance literally alters the way the brain cells work, try googling addiction cause and effects and you find all kind of helpful info. i think that a drug is a drug and the end results is basically all the same, it takes some a little longer than other to create such distruction for the addict. i don't think its silly to want to know, i think that knowledge is power and the more you know ahout what you are dealing with, the better you will be able to adjust to what you do know. we suggest here that you do learn all you can about addiction and codependancy.

addiction seems to be designed that way, to drive you nuits if you allow it, who can understand the mind of an addict. thats why its so important that you take care of you in all of this, it also effects everyone who loves the addict. its a powerful force and it will take divine intervention to break that hold that addiction has, just my opinion. ask as many questions as you need, we all do. just keep posting, youi are not alone here, we all feel or have felt what you are going through now. i'll continue to pray for you and for her, and one day at a time, you will began to feel a little better. i know it hurts like crazy but trust me, we all have been there or is there now. we are all in this thing together,.

kodris

Teke it really means so much to me IM Irish but I live in London and work in France so with out her I'm really on my own I have no one to talk with about I'm really Glad I found you!! Tell me a little about your situation as I dont wish to be selfish either this is subosed to be two way support is it not?

teke

well the addict in my life is my hubby right now, we've been together off and on for 21 yrs, more off than on. i do know where you are right now. you are not being selfish, and it really helps me to be able to share with you about your situation, the program teaches that i can't keep what i have unless i give it away, so you see, that you are helping me too. keep reading the other post around here and you will see that a lot of us are still struggling with the same struggles as you. thats how we help each other.jmho

kodris

"I can not keep what I have unless I give it away" does this relate to me giving Alicia away to want to come back if she wants help, kind of like being strong enough to let go and see if she will come to me when ready?

hope213

you are powerless.read the stickys at the top of the page.read all the post.only your g.f. can change her life.let go or be dragged.prayers for you both, hope