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Just discovered her problem need advice

Old 06-13-2007, 08:12 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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p.s. welcome to S.R. there is alot to learn here.
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Old 06-13-2007, 12:43 PM
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Please dont think this arrogance I dont have a clue what some of you have been through or whats coming for me, but does'nt this seem so doom and gloom! is there no hope left is there no opptomism that this cycle can be broken and life can win over the alternative, just my opinion is that resigning to the problem is to be defeated and I am strong of will and strong of character is it not our place as LOVED ones to make the effort to stand up for our spouse's&children to help them to support them?

Please explain what is wrong with this perspective or am I just being naive?
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Old 06-13-2007, 09:48 PM
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Hi, Kodris.


My son is the addict in my life. He's 25.
There was a time when my son was injecting heroin. For 5 years.
He's been clean of H for 14 months. Has gone back to smoking pot
and keeping that addict mentality. Says it works for him.
That's why he no longer lives in my house. lol

You've come to a good place for support, prayers, and kinship.
I'm sorry for all that your dealing with. Having a loved one with an addiction is
so heartbreaking. Know that we are here with you and will walk with you on your own road to recovery. Recovery from codependence. Have a read around and get to know everyone. Keep coming back and remember the 3 c's:
1. You didn't cause it.
2. You can't control it.
3. You can't cure it.
A new friend,
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Old 06-14-2007, 02:59 AM
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Thanks bookmiser, do you mind if I ask some questions like how did his addiction first start i.e with smoking the stuff? and how long did it take to progress how did you first notice it how do you relate to them as users God theres so much I dont know! If I kill every dealer around london with my bare hands will it help? sorry I'm just getting angry but I hate these people soooo much!!!!!!!!!

Your advice would be apreciated as I dont know anyone on heroin and I dont know anyone who deals with the problem in there family, accept me now I suppose...
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Old 06-14-2007, 05:46 AM
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(((Kodris)))
Welcome to SR!!! Sorry you find yourself here. This is a painful road we travel, but it helps to have others to share, pick their brains etc...as you have been doing.

My 30 year old daughter is my addict. She was a registered nurse, hurt her back at work and spiralled down into addiction where she lost her son, her job, her home, her car and everything that meant anything to her. Does she want to be a junkie!! NO!! But that's where we are.

She was injecting for 1 year before she reached the point where she couldn't hide it anymore. In that time, she was continuing to work at a hospital and pay bills. But that all stopped.

As said before me, addicts are very manipulative, and good at hiding how bad their addiction is...including hiding from themselves the degree it's at. She tells me that she didn't really realize how bad things were. She absolutely thought her son never saw her injecting, but it turns out that he did.

My daughter looked normal for the year I was clueless. She did sleep a lot, and somehow never had enough money for bills, etc. I didn't understand how she couldn't get ahead. In retrospect....I guess there were clues, but I was clueless. I had no experience with drug addicts, and actually thought the drug problem affected other people, not anyone I knew!!

Lots of good advice above....There is a wonderful book about enabling....called...."Co-dependent No More". Most things you would do to help a normal person, actually hurt addicts, so in effect, in ignorance, we can love our addicts to death!!

We all want to save our addicts and believe me...if there was a way...none of us would be here. I would give my life for my daughter, but unfortunately....that would not stop her addiction!!!

Read lots, ask lots...this board is a life saver
NSW
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Old 06-14-2007, 05:49 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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P.S. Am enclosing 2 wonderful posts...written by 2 of our own members....




You can't make me clean

I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it - I won't be.

You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.

I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.


The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean.

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF

By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.

I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...

Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.

Passion
Recovering Addict





What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Old 06-14-2007, 01:07 PM
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IVE POSTED THIS NUMEROUS TIMES KODRIS, BUT IM DOING IT AGAIN JUST FOR YOU. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE BUT I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT MY LIFE WITH An addict. MINE IS MY 20YO SON. HES BEEN ACTIVE SINCE AROUND 15. HES CURRENTLY LIVING FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE WITH HIS 15YO AGF. HES GIVEN UP THE OPPORTUNITIES IN HIS LIFE FOR DRUGS AND THIS ADDICT GIRLFRIEND. HES BEEN IN REHAB, COUNSELING, NA, AA, JAIL ,ETC. NONE OF THESE HAVE CURED HIS ADDICTION. THE REASON IS, THERE IS NO CURE. HE WILL HAVE THIS DISEASE AND WILL LIVE WITH IT THE REST OF HIS LIFE. HE STEALS, CHEATS, LIES AND HURTS ANYONE WHO HAS EVER LOVED HIM. HES EVEN PHSYICALLY HARMED HIS LITTLE BROTHER (KNOCKED HIM UNCONSIOUS ON A CRACK RAGE). HE JUST STOLE HIS PLAYSTAION LAST WEEK AFTER BREAKING AND ENTERING. THIS IS THE LIFE OF AN ADDICT CYCLES OF DRAMA AND INSTITUTIONS. I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO WATCH THIS CHAOS BECAUSE HE IS MY SON. HOWEVER, IF HE WER'NT MY SON I WOULD MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH TO KEEP MY FAMILY AWAY FROM THIS DESTRUCTION. I WOULD MOVE TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET TO ESCAPE THIS DISEASE. HE'S MY SON, I CAN'T, MAYBE YOU CAN.
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Old 06-16-2007, 03:44 PM
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I've had a bad couple of days guys theperson i knew as Alicia has practically destroyed my self esteem today with th most horific e-mail I think I've ever recieved, I cant even get upset I feel that numb!

While I eally do understand what your saying laketime I feel like my life has been ripped apart and giving up is just not in me at the moment, I love her and its going to take time to settle in she is as messed up as she is so thank you very much for your support and dont think Im not listening I just dont know whats next i feel lost and it hurts so much its incredible. I will keep posting and I will get stronger its just gonna take time!!

Rgards Ciaran
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Old 06-17-2007, 02:03 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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(((Kodris)))

Originally Posted by kodris View Post
I've had a bad couple of days guys theperson i knew as Alicia has practically destroyed my self esteem today with th most horific e-mail I think I've ever recieved, I cant even get upset I feel that numb!
The best thing you can do right now is give her S P A C E.

You read her diary. She already knows she needs help. She already knows she is in trouble. She cannot focus on her life's problems with you distracting her with YOUR NEEDS. Check in your area for Naranon or Alanon meetings. Read this board as often as you can. Let other people who understand what is happening to you help you with YOUR NEEDS. Alicia cannot do this for you right now.

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