Lost762

I don't know if anyone remembers me, for I haven't been on here in awhile, but i'm back, and that can only mean that things are going bad again. I sit here at my computer writing this looking for a magic solution, and knowing that there isn't one. I guess I just can't take much more of this, and I need to talk to someone. I think I already know what's going to be said here, but hey, why not.....

Basically what's going on is.....

The last time I was talking on here my ex-fiance had gotten out of rehab, (heroin addiction), and seemed to be doing better. She was going to meetings and I thought things just might work out. Well after a little while she "lost feelings" for me, and was "Loved me, but wasn't in love with me".....BS on a silver platter. So we were apart for a couple months, and then I get the feeling that she's using again. So I talk to her about it, and after numerous denials, she finally tells me that she is. I also find out that she's now suicidal, for she feels so bad about the things she's done. She stole from her brother, parents, forged checks from her parents, pawned most eveything she owned, and God only know's what else that I don't know. So I convince her to enter a psych ward, and while she's there I find out, from her mom no less, that she was in a relationship with a guy from her group very shortly after we broke up. I dont' know about you guys here, but I think that's complete BS. COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL!!!! I asked her if nothing else after we broke up to show me the respect of not dating anyone for awhile. Mind you I was about the best BF she could have asked for, honest to God. Apparently that just wasn't good enough. Naturally she gave me some long BS story about how she didn't feel she was good enough for me, and still doesn't, so she left me and did this. Yeah, right! I should add that she had said that she wasn't going to date anyone, and that she wanted to work on things later. I realize that this is a typical line, but it hurt like hell after everything i'd done for her. I'll never understand this.

So now being the dip sh*t that I apparently am I got back together with her in hopes of working things out. She's now in rehab, with 20 or so days there under her belt, and 30 days or so of not using before. Yes, I actually know this. Well things seemed to be going good when she was going to enter rehab. She actually wanted to be there, and was playing by the rules and doing all the good stuff. Well now in these last 4 days or so she's been getting cravings really bad, and has been wanting to use. She says "my brain tells me that I should use because i'll feel better then, and i'll be able to control it. I know I shouldn't do this, but I can't get it out of my head. I just don't feel like trying anymore because I know i'm going to fail anyway, so what's the point?" Basically a total defeatist attitude. This is driving me insane. She asked me to pick her up from rehab, and naturally I told her I wouldn't. It's like she's aware of what will happen if she starts using again, but she just doesn't care, for she feels like it's inevitable.

I told her straight up that she's going to end up becoming a *****, and end up dead if she goes back. She says she realizes this and that's why it scares the hell out of her, but she just doesn't feel like she can beat this. It's driving me nuts! And it scares the **** out of me. I can't deal with the thought of this happening to her. To think of the woman I love/loved living in the streets, whoring, sleeping in the gutters or worse, in some guys bed, and being a f*cking strung out junkie!!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do they choose this!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I just feel like I want to slap her until she understands, yet I would never, and I also want to hold her close and not ever let go because then I know she will be alright. I know neither of these things will work, and everyone here is going to tell me to focus on myself and not her. If I can't get myself straightened out, then I can't help her. I'm just afraid that she is going to relapse, and then things will get bad enough to where she will kill herself, after only God knows what, and I just can't deal with that. I also found out while she was in rehab that she shared needles this last time, and now i'm wondering if I might have gotten anything from her. I don't know what all can be transmitted through needles, but we had sex (without me knowing about this naturally) after her last "time out", used protection, but i'm just wondering for one thing what I could possibably have?? She says she had an HIV test done, and will know the results this coming wednesday, so i'm scared about that too.

Where can I go to get tested for anything that might be transmittable?
What could be transmitted?


I know this is really long already, but I just have to get this out. Whoever is still reading, I thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart. I know you all have been here, and I just really need help. The other problem.....

She has no money really, so everything treatment wise that she's receiving has to be state funded. She had a blood clot also, and the state was willing to pay for the medications for that. They won't however pay for any suboxone for her, and her parents seem to not be willing to do so either. I think this is total BS, especially that her parents won't help her out here. I think the suboxone might help kill her cravings, and help her focus on the issuses at hand. She isn't getting anything to help with them now, other than counseling. Is there anyway she can get some government intervention, and get someone to help pay for these? Is there anyway around this? What can she do??

Will someone please give me some suggestions on what she might be able to do that would help her? Also, could someone who knows what she's been going through PLEASE try and help me understand all this?? Have any of you been through this? Did anything work for you in this situation? What do you all think she could possibably do to help make herself realize that this isn't hopeless, and that it's worth working on?

I know i'm going to need to focus on myself and all that, but I could really use some suggestions on how to help her in whatever way I can right now. I will worry about myself later. I am doing this partially for myself anyway, for I can't stand the thought of what will happen is she starts using again, and I know that if she doesn't have the help she needs right now, and she gets out, that she will be back to it. I know that she just feels like it's hopeless, and i'm not sure how/what to tell her to make her think about it some. I know there must be some good advice out there. Please, any thoughts?? Please don't just tell me to focus on myself either....I will have to do that later anyway......this is the problem at hand at the moment.

Thank you everyone who have read this. I'm sorry it's such a long post, and i'm sure i'm forgetting to mention certain things still even after all this. I'm just on the edge, and can't take much more of this. I really really can't.

If I may ask, please send your prayers out to her if you would. I would really appreciate it. Her name is Renee. Thank you.

nevergivingup

Start off by not picking her up from rehab. If she doesn't have an out, she likely won't leave.

I "went through" rehab almost 6 times with my xabf. He went through this each time. Several times he "needed" to leave because of some ridiculously made up story about something or someone happening/doing something to him. But in the end, when he actually rode it out, he got it together and stayed off drugs for several years (or so I'm told).

She is where she needs to be. The best you can do is not enable her to hurt herself by going to pick her up.

As for the medical stuff.... just go to your physician. They can run the blood tests. If you don't have a regular physician, you can go to planned parenthood. HIV takes at least 6 months from the time of contact to actually show up in a blood test. So, you'll have to go this time, and then go again in 6 months. And, if you're paranoid like me, you'll continue to go every 6 months after that!

Hope that helps!
Sending hugs and prayers!

Ann

Lost, there is no magic formula that will save her. Nothing you say, do, don't say, don't do, wish for, plan, expect or insist upon will make any difference. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

What you can do is save yourself. If you haven't already been going to meetings, maybe start today. They will help you regain your balance and learn to live your life well regardless of how she is doing.

And go to your doctor for a checkup. If she has been using and sharing needles you may need the peace of mind knowing that you haven't picked up any sexually transmitted diseases or worse.

I understand your anger and frustration, but Lost, she is doing what addicts do and she's not doing it "to you" as much as it feels like that.

Stick around, do some reading here and maybe it will help you find some peace in your heart.

Hugs

marle

Lost, My daughter sounds very similar to your ex. Most addicts have similar stories. Before her addiction, my daughter had scholarships for college, could have her pick of men (she was considered one of the hottest girls in our small town) had a loving family, everything going for her. But she ended up addicted to opiates. When she got out of her first rehab, she took up with the 37 year old crack addict who lived downstairs from her. I tried for so long to figure out why. The why was money and access to drugs. Drugs have stolen whatever is left of my daughter. Drugs have such a hold on people. Your girlfriend may never leave the life behind. And yes, she may very well end up selling herself for drugs. My daughter calls it love, but that is just a justification. Before addiction she would have never even looked at this man, now he is the love of her life (and also the supplier of all her drugs). I am not telling you to turn your back on her, but until she works through the issues that made her want to use in the first place, all she will do is lie to you and manipulate you. You are just a tool for her. You can love her, but do it from a safe distance so that you don't end up being a casualty of her lifestyle. Hugs, Marle

frankly

((Lost))

Just as she is not ready to face her own truths, you are not ready to face yours. I mean to be blunt here, but I don't mean to hurt your feelings or offend you. I know what you are going through. I've been there just like so many others. I know what worked for me. It may not work for you. It want work for sure if you don't open your mind and heart to the idea. There is nothing you can do to help her except help yourself first. I know you don't want to hear that. Just like she doesn't want to hear anything you try to tell her.

When you fly in an airplane, and they do the safety instructions, they tell you that if the oxygen mask drops down, to place it on your own face before trying to help someone else get theirs on. The reason for that is obvious in the plane, without oxygen going to your own brain first, you will die trying to get oxygen to someone elses brain. It's the same thing here. You can't control the plane going down, all that you can do is save yourself. That doesn't mean you don't love her. You just can't save her. She is the only one who can save herself. And each and every time that you step up and try to catch her or "help" her, then she is not doing it for herself, you are actually hurting her. You can "help" her to her grave. In the process be digging your own as well.

I don't mean to sound harsh or blunt. You have to accept, I mean truelly accept, that there is nothing you can do for her, but everything you can do for yourself. By doing for yourself, then and only then are you really helping her.

All said with caring and concern.
Hugs and Prayers
B

just for today

Hello, I am so sorry for you and all of us that share the pain of loving an addict......it is a journey that no one should have to make...that being said, I am going to be blunt and I hope that you will take my words in the manner they are meant, with care and concern.....

You are trying to control something that is out of your control.....we all have to learn to stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.....we must learn that we don't have the right to demand love on our terms ... just to make ourselves happy.....it is not disrespectful for her to date others or to use for that matter, it is her choice.....it is also her parents choice over whether to continue to "help".....this is her life and as hard as it may be for you to understand, she has the right to live it, to make her own choices, good or bad......all of the help in the world can be offered, by you, her parents, the state, but until she is ready and wants that help, nothing will change.....

Please understand that the only help you can give is to get yourself healthy and accept the facts...it has been said many times...we cannot love them into sobriety and the kindest thing we can do for them and us is say no.....A person setting boundaries is not "turning their backs on" the addict. It takes far more strength, courage and conviction to help our addicted loved ones by refusing to help them kill themselves than it does to keep feeding the demon that is destroying them and us as well in the process.

Peace

rozied

Dear Lost, I am very sorry you are going through this with your AGF Renee.
One thing you can try to get the medication you think may help her is find out which Pharmaceutical Company makes it. Then go to their website. Most if not all supply meds for people who cannot afford them.
I know if you don't have any money & you have no income you can get a Medical Card ( some states call it Medicaid some call it the Access Card ) from The Dept of Social Services ( DSS or Welfare )........................it is my understanding that once you have it any rx from a dr is covered. Some people have a co pay & others don't. I don't know how they decide this but the people with DSS will know.
You know its my son who is an addict thats why I'm here but many yrs ago I was so very much in love with my 1st husband. He was a Compulsive Gambler. Nothing I did or said etc helped. I married him, left him 9 times in 3 yrs, divorced him, remarried him & finally divorced him for good!!!
I was 18 when I married him the 1st time & 27 when it was finally over. I was left with 2 sons to raise alone. He never pd support or visited them. I went bk to school & got a 4 yr degree & my RN. After 10yrs on my own I met & married a wonderful man & we have now been married 23 yrs this Nov. When I married again I put this all behind me & forgave him very penny he owed me. I did not see him or hear from him for 27+yrs & a month ago he called me. He went from gambling to drugs & spent his whole life in & out of jail. He is now 62 yrs old & will be clean 5 yrs this Sept. He has Hepatitis B & C from dirty needles. He said he is blessed he does not have AIDS. When I told him about our son & asked him to speak to him he said he would but he also said unless he has had enough nothing he could do or say would make a difference. Now this was said by a man who spent most of his life addicted.
I am so very glad I had enough & ended it so many yrs ago. If I had stayed with him it would have been a life of hell. I had given this man not only my heart but my soul & your soul belongs to noone but your HP. What helped end it for me was physical distance, & finally after I found out he was with another woman, I dated another man. I saw how different love was coming from someone else. Both claimed to love me but this new guy treated me & my 2 sons wonderfully. I believe when you are embroliled in a relationship with an addict you wind up losing yourself & focus all your energy on trying to help them. Eventually you lose yourself trying to change someone else. Look how hard it is to change something about yourself, how can anyone ever think they can change someone else? I sit here thinking back to when I was so in love with this guy. I'm trying to tell you how I broke my addiction to him as I was as addicted to him as he was to gambling. Maybe if you look at it like that it might help you. Her whole life revolves around using & her drug of choice. Your whole life is now revolving around her & trying to help her. She may very well care for you but for an addict to be involved with someone who is straight is just too hard for them. She took up with another guy who was also an addict as she could be herself with him. The woman my ex took up with was a topless dancer who lived the same kind of life he did & accepted him for who he was. In order for a relationship to last there must be unconditional love & acceptance. The secret is to love someone you know will never do anything you can't live with.
I hope & pray you find some peace for yourself. I will pray for you both.
Love,
Diane
As they say take what fits & leave the rest.

teke

hey lost, sorry you and her are hurting still. i've been clean awhile and i'm here to tell you how much i agree with the others. its kind of like trying to learn to walk for someone else, its just impossible. the only way that you can help her, is by not helping her. she has to have that desperate determination not to use and she and only she can make the choices that will bring her to that better place. honestly, all you or any doctor can do for her right now, will not stop her from using unless she makes a decision to stop. i will continue to keep you and her in my prayers.

btw, i haven't been around as much either, but i was wondering how things were for you and for her,

parentrecovers

hello and welcome back, lost. alanon really helps me..

blessings, and keep posting - k