I Have A Problem
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I Have A Problem
I am really having a hard time saying no to my SS. He has come so far in such a short time that both my husband & I are very proud of him. Almost 2 yrs ago he threw out the woman he was living with & decided to raise his 2 sons alone. He was overwhelmed to say the least as the boys were only a yr old & 4 yrs old. My hubby & I told him to take one day at a time & we would help him. He started college & is now going part time. He is doing well. He was on unemployment untiil the end of March, so he was abel to pay all his bills. Since his unemployment stopped we have been helping him pay his monthly bills & my parents have helped also.
In May he started working part time & the job ended. He got it through a temp agncy. Thursday he started another job & it is 13 hrs a day, 15 days a month, so he should be abel to manage. I spoiled him when he was growing up. There are good reasons this happened but it is time for it to stop...........I have been saying no more & more to anything I think unecessary or unreasonable. Some of the time he gives me a hard tme. Both my hubby & myself are on a fixed income due to disabilities so there is not alot of extra money. The money I do help him with is money that we could use for many things we need and some things we want.
I am starting to really resent helping him cuz no matter how much help he gets there is always something else he thinks he needs. This is putting a strain on me & on my marriage. My hubby & I r both 60 & he wil be 34 this month
Does anyone have anything to say that could help?
Lovee,
Diane
In May he started working part time & the job ended. He got it through a temp agncy. Thursday he started another job & it is 13 hrs a day, 15 days a month, so he should be abel to manage. I spoiled him when he was growing up. There are good reasons this happened but it is time for it to stop...........I have been saying no more & more to anything I think unecessary or unreasonable. Some of the time he gives me a hard tme. Both my hubby & myself are on a fixed income due to disabilities so there is not alot of extra money. The money I do help him with is money that we could use for many things we need and some things we want.
I am starting to really resent helping him cuz no matter how much help he gets there is always something else he thinks he needs. This is putting a strain on me & on my marriage. My hubby & I r both 60 & he wil be 34 this month
Does anyone have anything to say that could help?
Lovee,
Diane
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
What would he do if both you and your husband were gone tomorrow?
He would adjust and do what he needed to do and get on with life.
When we allow others to do for themself, they grow and learn.
The saying... Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him for life.
Time that he takes hold of the fishing rod and catches his own.
A mother eagle will start pulling apart the nest when the babies get bigger. They like the nest. Sit around all day and mommy feeds us. The mother starts pulling the nest apart so it isn't so comfortable for the babies and then soon have to make a choice... fly or stay in the discomfort.
Help him grow by letting him do things for himself.
He would adjust and do what he needed to do and get on with life.
When we allow others to do for themself, they grow and learn.
The saying... Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him for life.
Time that he takes hold of the fishing rod and catches his own.
A mother eagle will start pulling apart the nest when the babies get bigger. They like the nest. Sit around all day and mommy feeds us. The mother starts pulling the nest apart so it isn't so comfortable for the babies and then soon have to make a choice... fly or stay in the discomfort.
Help him grow by letting him do things for himself.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thanx Best, Thats what I have slowly been doing. Pulling bk a little at a time so more & more he will stand on his own 2 feet. I was so sick ( physically ) for sooo long it was easier bk then to give in. Since my surgery 2 yrs ago June 8th I have slowly been getting stronger & stronger. He knows I now refuse to be intimidated & our relationship has gotten a whole lot better. BUT there are still times when he asks for more than I can do. I am also at a point in my life where I want more for me & my hubby & with helping him its just impossible.
You know we have a mother robin in our yard & the baby is now bigger than she is. I tell my husband the baby & mother remind me of our son & myself. The baby runs around chirping after her & keeps bothering her. It was funny you gave me that analogy.
I have cut my AS loose. I want to have a good relationship with this son. He is an excellent single father & doing well in most ways. I just want him to stand totally on his own 2 feet.
Thanx Again,
Love,
Diane
You know we have a mother robin in our yard & the baby is now bigger than she is. I tell my husband the baby & mother remind me of our son & myself. The baby runs around chirping after her & keeps bothering her. It was funny you gave me that analogy.
I have cut my AS loose. I want to have a good relationship with this son. He is an excellent single father & doing well in most ways. I just want him to stand totally on his own 2 feet.
Thanx Again,
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Rozied, You sound like you are doing okay with pulling back a little at a time. The problem was not created in a day. I know the feeling of resentment. I did too much for my daughter. I wanted to be loved and for her to be happy and have the things I never had. Now I get p*ssed because she expects it. But I have to remember that I created the monster. I think that if she were not an addict living with an addict that I despise, I would still be enabling to the max. So sometimes I am grateful for the way things turned out. I know that I will not enable her again. Hugs, Marle
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
You know, I understand but I think the way to look at this is that you are not withdrawing your support, your love for him, or anything else. You are behind your SS 100%.
What you have decided to do is to cease being his bank, grant institution and loan officer.
YOu need to talk to him when he is NOT asking for money and explain to him that the money pipe has been turned off. You can tell him why, but you don't have to. You can tell him you love him and the kids and you will help him on every other level you can help him on, but no more help on the financial end.
Hey.. its not EZ. ((((Diane))))
What you have decided to do is to cease being his bank, grant institution and loan officer.
YOu need to talk to him when he is NOT asking for money and explain to him that the money pipe has been turned off. You can tell him why, but you don't have to. You can tell him you love him and the kids and you will help him on every other level you can help him on, but no more help on the financial end.
Hey.. its not EZ. ((((Diane))))
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Boy Oh boy, someone smack me for my thinking....
but here goes.
He is working, raising 2 small children all by himself, and attending college.
I'd say if it was my son, I would help, what I could without putting my finances at risk, but I would post it on the fridgie, and make sure he knows it's a LOAN.
Okay, I'm ready, bean me.
Hugs,
but here goes.
He is working, raising 2 small children all by himself, and attending college.
I'd say if it was my son, I would help, what I could without putting my finances at risk, but I would post it on the fridgie, and make sure he knows it's a LOAN.
Okay, I'm ready, bean me.
Hugs,
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Rozied, I had two small children, went to work and full time at school. I did it. I had that vision of the end result being worth it. I lived that vision and completed school.
I went to the food bank once a month plus got food stamps.
I got financial aid, lived in section 8 housing.
He can do it. It's hard, but he can make it. I kept reminding myself that it won't be forever.
There are so many programs for single parents.
Look to the college for answers about what opportunities there are for him.
I went to the food bank once a month plus got food stamps.
I got financial aid, lived in section 8 housing.
He can do it. It's hard, but he can make it. I kept reminding myself that it won't be forever.
There are so many programs for single parents.
Look to the college for answers about what opportunities there are for him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Elana,
Thank you. This is really good advice.
I know this sounds silly, but where did you learn that?
Lithloren
Thank you. This is really good advice.
Originally Posted by Elana 
YOu need to talk to him when he is NOT asking for money
Lithloren
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
It is basic to negotiating anything. If you try to do this when emotions are likely to be running high, the discussion falls on deaf ears. Matters not if it is money of anything that is a boundary being created by one person that will affect another.
If you try to negotiate or set a boundary when someone is emotional, it usually fails (the person either just asked for something and you said NO or they asked and you said Yes).
When you decide to do something or say something that will upset someone, leave YOUR emotions at the door. Argue facts. Listen to the other person. Stick to your boundary. If the other person gets over emotional, walk away and bring it up again some other time when they are calm. Above all, you stay calm.
Money is a huge issue in a lot of realtionships. Best to keep leave emotion out of the discussion.
If you try to negotiate or set a boundary when someone is emotional, it usually fails (the person either just asked for something and you said NO or they asked and you said Yes).
When you decide to do something or say something that will upset someone, leave YOUR emotions at the door. Argue facts. Listen to the other person. Stick to your boundary. If the other person gets over emotional, walk away and bring it up again some other time when they are calm. Above all, you stay calm.
Money is a huge issue in a lot of realtionships. Best to keep leave emotion out of the discussion.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
good sound advice ahead of me.if you help him write it down & let him know it.my kids think they do not have to pay me back.today i make sure they know it is a loan,some of the time anyway.it depends on what it is. i can relate to what u r saying.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I wrote a note & forgot to click on the thing on the bottom. I want to thank everyone for their input.
Mooselips, I am very proud of him. Elana, and everyone who suggested loaning the money, its a good way to handle it though I don't see him being abel to pay it bk in the near future. He does get food stamps & gives me some for food every mt & he is living in subsidized housing. He also applied for me to be paid for babysitting while he is in school so I get money from that also. financial Aide pays all of his school bills. Speaking when not emotional is good advice also.
Thanks everyone who was kind enough to take the time to help me.
Love,
Diane
Mooselips, I am very proud of him. Elana, and everyone who suggested loaning the money, its a good way to handle it though I don't see him being abel to pay it bk in the near future. He does get food stamps & gives me some for food every mt & he is living in subsidized housing. He also applied for me to be paid for babysitting while he is in school so I get money from that also. financial Aide pays all of his school bills. Speaking when not emotional is good advice also.
Thanks everyone who was kind enough to take the time to help me.
Love,
Diane
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry rozied, i came in late on this one, i think that you do have your answers though, sounds like he is doing better than you might think and that some of the things that he say he needs, maybe he could do without before you do without for his benefit.
sounds like he has a good thing going, i had to raise 7 kids as a single parent most of the time and without childsupport, i had section 8 housing, food stamps and sometime other public assistance. worked out pretty good once i developed some kind of system and realized that i had to make good on the little help that i was getting.\
my 19 yro Daughter moved into her own subsidized gov, appartment, bought her a car and is in her 3 yr full time college student, she is a single parent too. i help with the babysitting but she also goes to daycare part of the day, i was in no position to help put her through college so she works and along with her grants, she pays her own way. i said all of this to say that i think that you'd be suprized what your son could do for himself if you did take a back seat and allow him to do what he needs to do for himself. its your time now, you've been a very supportive mom. you have nothing to feel guilty about, the more you continue to do, the more you'll probably find that he'll say that he need you to do. still praying that all works out for him and for you
sounds like he has a good thing going, i had to raise 7 kids as a single parent most of the time and without childsupport, i had section 8 housing, food stamps and sometime other public assistance. worked out pretty good once i developed some kind of system and realized that i had to make good on the little help that i was getting.\
my 19 yro Daughter moved into her own subsidized gov, appartment, bought her a car and is in her 3 yr full time college student, she is a single parent too. i help with the babysitting but she also goes to daycare part of the day, i was in no position to help put her through college so she works and along with her grants, she pays her own way. i said all of this to say that i think that you'd be suprized what your son could do for himself if you did take a back seat and allow him to do what he needs to do for himself. its your time now, you've been a very supportive mom. you have nothing to feel guilty about, the more you continue to do, the more you'll probably find that he'll say that he need you to do. still praying that all works out for him and for you
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
