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the cat is out of the bag...finally

Old 06-09-2007, 10:19 PM
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the cat is out of the bag...finally

ah's dad came over looking for his son today. i told him the truth...about everything...he kept asking me questions and i was done covering up for him. Plus he needs his family and ya know what?? i need them too..ive been dealing with this by myself for too long now. My ah always said he wouldnt be able to handle it if they knew, but it is in his best interests. they will help support him. My ah has alot of respect for his parents so maybe he'll listen to his dad when he tells him he needs help... Maybe he wont, but at least the family secret is out and i feel better not having to carry this burden by myself anymore.

my ah sent me an email that said if anyone finds out he is contacting me he will go to jail...no sh*t, so stop!! he also said that someone he knows violated a restr. order for the 2nd time, got thrown in jail and was rapped by heir cell mate. of course i started feeling bad and was thinking about dropping the ro..or at least telling my lawyer that i dont want to tell the court that he has been contacting me and that we have to keep that out of court or else ill have to drop the case. i know that is not in my best interests though, but im afraid he'll go to jail. i was thinking to tell his dad that if i were to drop it that he would have to either live with them or get an apt. and that he would still have to support me and the kids and he can visit with the kids but only in their house, but not here. i dont know if that would be a good idea though because he could still manipulate me. his last email said that he was thinking that i could be right about his having an addiction...and he cant believe how strong his denial is..and if it is true than he must be mentally ill . he is so afraid of admitting to me that he has a problem, thinking that i would leave him. so its a step in the right direction..it also said he is ready to get help and go to rehab.
i know it could all be manipulation to get me to drop the RO, but i think that he was sincere in his last email to me...he was saying what if this all really is his fault, the guilt he would feel would be overwhelming.....he wants to make a plan for his recovery but feels he needs my support..i guess he doesnt yet get that he needs to do this on his own..for him............
any thoughts about the restraining order issue???
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Old 06-09-2007, 10:26 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
he also said that someone he knows violated a restr. order for the 2nd time, got thrown in jail and was rapped by heir cell mate.
I'm sorry to be so blunt but...........that's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!! OMG...........don't even entertain that thought in your head for a second. My ex spent 45 days in jail for violating the restraining order for the 2nd time and told me straight out that television makes it seem way worse than it is............especially county jail. Maybe that stuff goes on in big prisons but give me a break already.

Don't drop the RO if you know what's best for you and your children. He's done so much damage to you mentally. He's at it again I'm afraid. But you're going to do what you want to and there's nothing we can say to prevent it. Just keep your children in mind before making this sort of decision. You can protect yourself, but they need you to protect them.
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Old 06-09-2007, 10:28 PM
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You know what?

Where he is telling you all these things then he knows what could be ahead and his own choices will bring about what ever will be.
Fear of repeating my past mistakes again and the fear of the strong possiblity of going to jail if caught repeating my past mistakes had a big part of opening my eyes.
The ball is in his court and his choices will dictate what he brings or doesn't bring onto himself.
It isn't your place to get in his way at this time. You can't save him from himself.
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Old 06-09-2007, 10:33 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
any thoughts about the restraining order issue???
IMHO, don't drop it. If he chooses to violate it, that's his decision. Protect yourself, protect your kids. If you drop it, you're playing right into his hand.

I hope you're right, I hope he is ready to get some help. If he is truly ready, he will. Nothing he does need depend on what you do or don't do. That, for me, was the hardest hurdle to get over.

When I kicked him out, my ex made all manner of promises, threats, pleadings, etc. He ended up being cited for about 40 incidents of contempt of my restraining order. Nothing at all happened to him legally, but he finally got the message that no contact means no contact and he is leaving me alone.

The longer we are apart, the more I realize how utterly sick our relationship was and the more I cherish the peace that I am living in-for the first time in 25 years. It's priceless!
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Old 06-09-2007, 10:45 PM
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IMO, keep that restraining order in place. I think that would be best for the safety of YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. What if he finds out that you spilled to his Dad? He's most likely going to be angry, that restraining order could protect you and your kids.
One thing I'd like to know, don't mean to be harsh, why are you so affraid of him going to jail?? He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions.
I'm always following your posts, I've noticed OVER and OVER that you can tell us all how HE feels, how this affects HIM. Honey, what about YOU and YOUR CHILDREN?? How do YOU feel? What are you doing to keep you and your children safe? What would you be teaching them if you just keep dropping these restraining orders? That its o.k to be treated that way, that abuse is alright. Stop focusing on him for a moment and start focusing on you and your kids. That restraining order is in place for a reason.. keep it that way, keep your children safe. You can't keep pushing them aside to cushion your AH's fall, they need you far more then he does. He's a grown man and can take care of himself.
All said with love, not trying to be harsh.
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Old 06-09-2007, 10:48 PM
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Originally Posted by ConcernedBigSis View Post
IMO, keep that restraining order in place. I think that would be best for the safety of YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. What if he finds out that you spilled to his Dad? He's most likely going to be angry, that restraining order could protect you and your kids.

That's an excellent point and should be reason enough to keep that order of protection in place.
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Old 06-09-2007, 10:49 PM
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so he contacted you and violated the restraining order and they did nothing???
my ah got caught violating it once and they told him the next time its no bail and he goes to county jail...which is a big thing for us..its in a bad area and filled with not so great company...
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Old 06-09-2007, 10:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Lovestoomuch View Post
I'm sorry to be so blunt but...........that's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!! OMG...........don't even entertain that thought in your head for a second. My ex spent 45 days in jail for violating the restraining order for the 2nd time and told me straight out that television makes it seem way worse than it is............especially county jail. Maybe that stuff goes on in big prisons but give me a break already.
Loves is right. Rape is not common in county jail !!!

In prison it does happen, but even then, it's not quite as common as they show on TV shows like "Oz", etc. I know this from people with lots of first hand experience in prison and jail who told me.

He's trying to gain your sympathy and scare you.

What's up with that appt. he said he made?

He trying to manipulate still, and he's also moving from one form of manipulation to another. Trust me he will try several different strategies...don't fall for it!

He will do just about anything to try and come back and not face reality.

I know how it goes, I've learned from the master manipulator.

I'm glad you told his dad, now you don't have to keep secrets from everybody and deal with it on your own.
How did the dad react?

Have you told the kids Yet?

Hang in there, and don't return the emails!
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Old 06-09-2007, 10:53 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
so he contacted you and violated the restraining order and they did nothing???
my ah got caught violating it once and they told him the next time its no bail and he goes to county jail...which is a big thing for us..its in a bad area and filled with not so great company...
It doesn't matter what jail it is or where it is, they don't mix the population. They won't put him in the same area with murderers and rapists. They have what's called "PODS" and depending on the crime that's where they go. And IMO.......if you do the crime you should be punished. How is this man going to learn anything if you keep saving him. You know.........by saving him you may very well be putting your life and the lives of your children at stake.
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Old 06-09-2007, 10:55 PM
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you're so right

i was just also thinking about his parents and how they would feel and also how my kids would feel about having a dad who was in jail.

i also think that jail is not the place he needs to be..he needs to be getting help for his sickness....

i m a little scared though that lets say he does go to rehab and anger management and therapy..he goes through all of that and his behavior doesnt change because of the damage the drugs have done....they do permanent damage to the brain, dont they? especially the abuse part. before the drugs, he wasnt abusive..but maybe the drugs triggered something that now will always be there...

also he will get very angry that i told his parents, but hopefully he will also feel relieved (which i doubt)..

why arent i thinking about me and my kids more?? what is wrong with me???

Last edited by drainedwife; 06-09-2007 at 10:56 PM. Reason: need to add
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Old 06-09-2007, 10:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Lovestoomuch View Post
And IMO.......if you do the crime you should be punished. How is this man going to learn anything if you keep saving him. You know.........by saving him you may very well be putting your life and the lives of your children at stake.

My thoughts exactly.
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Old 06-09-2007, 11:01 PM
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Drugs do a certain amount of damage to the brain, but in no way have anything to do with the abuse. That was always there. It really doesn't matter one way or the other. He has to truly want help. He has to pay the consequences for his actions and man up to them.

You seriously need to work on letting go and letting your HP take over some of the things you have no control over............like him. That will give you more time to start thinking of yourself.............and if you refuse to try to think of yourself by God........think of the life your children are going to have with a father like that.
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Old 06-09-2007, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
how my kids would feel about having a dad who was in jail.
They'll cope. They'll learn that certain things are not ok and that there are consequences to those things. As long as you kept the line of communicating open with them, and allowed them to discuss with you how they felt, helped them deal with it... They would cope.

Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
i also think that jail is not the place he needs to be..he needs to be getting help for his sickness.....
That's not for you to decide. You can't save him, and perhaps suffering the consequences would help him to realize that he does have a problem. But it isn't your place to decide where he NEEDS to be... that's out of your hands.
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Old 06-09-2007, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
i was just also thinking about his parents and how they would feel and also how my kids would feel about having a dad who was in jail.
One more thing then I swear I'll shut up.

Let me ask you this. How are your kids going to feel if he gets angry enough and they have to bury their mother?? It can happen and does everyday. You may not think he is capable of it, but trust me.............I've came very close to it happening myself by a man I also didn't think was capable of it. All said with love.

Now I'll shut up.
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Old 06-09-2007, 11:26 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post

i also think that jail is not the place he needs to be..he needs to be getting help for his sickness....

i m a little scared though that lets say he does go to rehab and anger management and therapy..he goes through all of that and his behavior doesnt change because of the damage the drugs have done....they do permanent damage to the brain, dont they? especially the abuse part. before the drugs, he wasnt abusive..but maybe the drugs triggered something that now will always be there..
Many jails have AA meetings.

He might go through rehab and anger management and jail and still remain the same...there is a huge chance of relapse. Just be wary.
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Old 06-10-2007, 12:00 AM
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Violating a restraining order is a crime. Abuse is a crime and as a friend at the state attorneys office told me shoving, pushing or otherwise putting your hands on someone inappropriately and out of anger is Battery. Battery is a crime.

He's not thinking of you or the kids. Hes thinking only of himself.

Whya rent you thinking of yourself and the kids, because your codependant dear, welcome to our oqrld now its time to save yourself
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Old 06-10-2007, 01:13 AM
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DW... have you found some Alanon or Naranon meetings for yourself, yet?

This man is taking up all the space in your brain... all the time in your life. You deserve to live YOUR life and be a great example to the kids on how that is done.

I wish you the best.


PS... if we are voting, my is - keep the RO.


(((hugs)))
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Old 06-10-2007, 01:51 AM
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You know, if I was in your situation....................................I would print out the email making sure the date and time are on it and give it to the Court.

That email is PURE QUACKING and full of nothing but out and out MANIPULATION, and most definitely is IN VIOLATION OF THE RO.

As was said above none of us can convine you to keep the RO in place, but maybe by thinking of what is best for your children will.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-10-2007, 04:46 AM
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I agree with the others. Leave the RO in place. Make it permanent. Move on with your life and your kid's lives. Let him quack. Don't worry about the sort of company he has to keep in jail. His actions put him there.

Maybe rubbing elbows with the so called and percieved "lesser persons" in the world will help him, and everyone else, obtain a dose of HUMILITY.

Worry about you. Him and what happens to him is renting way too much space in your head still.
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Old 06-10-2007, 05:10 AM
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Seems to be a bit of awfulising going on and lots of what ifs.

If we don't do anything wrong, we don't go to jail. If bad things happen to someone in jail, how is that your fault? He's the one who takes the action that lands him there - not you. If you don't want to follow through on the order then maybe you don't really want or need it and it is a ploy to get something else you still want. I do that stuff.

Seriously - I have been in a similar situation and I tried to keep it all together and please everyone. You have two choices.

1. Protect the feelings of your in laws and keep the family pride in tact or
2. Protect your children and yourself from harm and anger and abuse

Doing choice one will lead to a sort of insanity because you will be going against the strongest instinct a human can have - protecting their children.

Sorry if this seems a bit blunt.

I know how you feel so here's a hug.
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